Chapter 43: The Lieutenant-Colonel of Foodies and Baby's Gender
When Bruce and Joey stepped out of Miramax it was already noon; in three days Joey would have to come back for a screen test with the other chosen actors and to sign his contract. Of course, this screen test was really just a formality—nobody would be cut.
After they got back, Joey invited Bruce to his apartment to order pizza.
Just as they were about to open the door, the one across the hall swung open; Bruce turned and saw Monica.
Monica said, "I heard your voices and came to check. Where have you two been?"
Bruce answered, "I went with Joey to his audition—Joey's going to be in Quentin's Inglourious Basterds!"
Monica turned to Joey. "Congratulations, Joey!"
Joey grinned. "Thanks, Mon—but congratulate Bruce too. I'm starring in a movie Bruce wrote! Yeah, Bruce's script is being made into a film!"
Monica exclaimed, "Wow, congrats to you too, Bruce! That's amazing! By the way, have you guys eaten lunch yet?"
Bruce said, "We were just about to order pizza."
Monica quickly replied, "Perfect, perfect—don't order out. I've got lunch for you right here!"
Bruce and Joey followed her inside. Monica pointed to a stack of baking dishes on the counter. "I'm giving each of you a pan of freshly baked lasagna!"
Joey asked, "Monica, why did you make so much lasagna?"
Monica sighed. "I baked twelve pans for my Aunt Sybil, but she forgot to mention she wanted them vegetarian, so now I've got to give away all these meat lasagnas today."
Joey peeled off his jacket, loosened the top button of his shirt, and sat down at the table. "Well then, what are we waiting for? Let Major Joey take on two pans!"
"Major? So when it comes to eating you've already reached the rank of Major?" Bruce asked with a laugh.
Joey grinned. "After I finish these two pans today, I'll be promoted to Lieutenant-Colonel!"
Monica slipped on oven mitts, set two pans in front of Joey, then placed one in front of Bruce. Bruce waved his hands. "No, no—I can't even finish half of that. Give me a plate and I'll just serve myself."
As Monica turned to get a plate, Bruce noticed the stack was already down to fewer than twelve pans. "Have you already given some away?"
Monica came back with the plate. "Yep. I gave one to Mr. Treeger from building maintenance and two to other tenants. Ross went with Carol to her prenatal appointment an hour ago, so I sent one with him for Carol. Later I'll take some to my coworkers at the restaurant; we can finish the rest here."
She added, "I'd better run these over to my colleagues while it's still lunch break. If you guys head out later, just lock up. Bruce, can I borrow your car? It's tough to carry pans and catch a cab."
Bruce's mouth was full of lasagna; he quickly fished out his keys and handed them over. After swallowing he asked, "Want me to come along? I can help carry."
Monica said, "Thanks, Bruce, but I can manage. You guys enjoy your lunch!"
After Monica left with several pans, Bruce shut the door and returned to the table. His own portion was already half gone; he finished it off and settled in to watch Joey tackle two full pans.
"Bruce, watch closely—I'm officially launching the 'Lasagna Annihilation Campaign.'" Joey grinned, squinting his left eye with the left corner of his mouth quirked up.
"Roger that, Major Joey. Allow me to serve as your chief of staff and logistics officer!" Bruce saluted, stood up, opened Monica's fridge, and poured Joey a glass of orange juice.
Bruce raised a fork toward the two pans. "Major, observe: two fortified enemy positions constructed of lasagna—'Bolognese Ridge' and 'Cheese Fortress.'"
"Ah, my dear Chief of Staff Bruce, in your professional opinion how do we win this battle?" Joey slipped into character instantly.
"Major," Bruce said, pointing his fork at Bolognese Ridge, "intelligence reports the Ridge is heavily fortified: sticky meat-sauce trenches, thick cheese defenses, intricate pasta barriers. A frontal assault would be costly. I recommend a blitzkrieg: concentrate overwhelming force—this fork—while the enemy is still off-guard, punch through their lines, and seize the first position before reinforcements of 'fullness' arrive!"
"Understood, Chief of Staff Bruce!" Major Joey's eyes sharpened; he straightened his "uniform" (unbuttoning one more button). "Assault team, follow me!" The fork flashed like a bayonet and charged at Bolognese Ridge.
The battle erupted instantly! Major Joey's fork was like precision artillery, blasting gap after gap in the "Ridge"; his movements were swift and relentless, like a rolling tank assault!
Meat sauce splattered like dirt from mortar fire, cheese stretched like barbed wire from destroyed fortifications, and his chewing sounded like rapid machine-gun fire.
Major Joey made quick early progress, the defenses of "Bolognese Ridge" collapsing rapidly.
But as the battle wore on, the "fullness land mines" of Bolognese Ridge began detonating left and right; Major Joey's assault visibly slowed down, his advance rate dropped, and the fight remained locked in a stalemate for half an hour.
As logistics support, Bruce kept refilling Joey's glass with orange juice: "Hold the line, Major—we've got unlimited juice artillery support!"
"Stay strong—victory is within reach!"
Major Joey gritted his teeth, called up the last of his stomach's "reserves," and launched them in a final charge against the Ridge's remaining stronghold. After a storm of "covering fire" (fork whirling), Bolognese Ridge finally fell—the pan wiped clean!
"Chief of Staff Bruce, Bolognese Ridge has been secured." Joey thumped the dining table twice in triumph.
"Congratulations, Major Joey. After a brief rest and refit, you'll proceed to assault 'Cheese Fortress.'" Bruce pointed at the other pan of lasagna.
Joey hesitated; his enthusiasm faded. "Our casualty rate's too high... pushing forward will completely wipe us out." Then he broke character: "I never realized one pan held so much. Another pan and Major Joey will heroically explode before he ever makes Lieutenant-Colonel Joey!"
Bruce stood, cleared his throat, and declared: "Major Joey, although you've only taken Bolognese Ridge, your bravery must not be forgotten; your actions are an example to every soldier. Therefore, on behalf of Army High Command, I'm still promoting you to Lieutenant-Colonel. Congratulations, Lieutenant-Colonel Joey—you may celebrate!"
"Whoo-hoo—long live the Lieutenant-Colonel!" Joey jumped up from his seat, snapped a salute at the empty pan, then began a victory lap around the table, patting his belly like a drum.
Suddenly he stopped. "Hey, Chief of Staff Bruce—are you just going to announce it? Aren't you celebrating with me?"
Bruce hesitated. "Ah, what the hell!" He linked arms with Joey and the two hopped around the living room, their cheers nearly lifting the roof.
Just then the apartment door swung open; Ross and Monica walked in. The dancing froze. Ross stared, stunned. "What are you guys doing?"
"I'm a Lieutenant-Colonel now, Ross!" Joey beamed.
But Ross didn't pursue it; he slumped onto the couch, eyes fixed blankly on nothing.
"What happened, Ross?" Bruce asked, walking over.
"At the hospital just now, the doctor told Carol the baby's sex," Monica answered for him.
"Wait, I thought you were delivering lasagna to a coworker—when did you get to the hospital?" Bruce asked Monica.
"I just got back from the restaurant and ran into Ross downstairs," Monica explained.
"So what is it?" Joey asked.
"I don't know," Ross said. "I didn't want to find out."
"Then why do you look so bummed out?" Bruce asked.
Ross started to answer, but the phone rang. Monica picked it up. "Hello?"
"Hi Carol... yeah, no problem—actually you and Susan did me a huge favor; I had no idea what to do with all that lasagna... Oh, really? Okay, okay—if Ross wants to know I'll tell him! Bye!"
Monica had barely hung up when Ross asked, "What did Carol say? What were you talking about regarding me?"
"She called to thank me for the lasagna, and... she happened to mention the baby's sex," Monica said.
"What—why would she tell you?" Ross yelped like a kicked puppy.
"So, boy or girl?" Joey asked Monica.
Monica whispered in Joey's ear. Ross threw up his hands. "Great—now one more person knows. Am I going to be the only one left in the dark?"
"Ross, why don't you want to know?" Bruce asked.
"I want a little surprise for when the baby's born—can't I have that?"
"Of course you can. But is that the only reason? Because if it were, you wouldn't mind other people knowing, right?"
Ross started to retort, then snapped his mouth shut.
"Ross, want to talk to us about it?" Bruce said, sitting down beside him on the couch.
"No, I don't want to talk about it—you wouldn't understand anyway," Ross muttered, shaking his head.
"Even if you think we won't understand, talking might still make you feel better, right?"
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