I woke up groggy, and the first thing I saw was the white ceiling, while the noise of several people surrounded me.
Damn it, I thought—I was back in the hospital again. The last thing I remembered was being on my knees in front of Paulina and her mother holding me in her arms.
At that moment, a nurse came in with my food, left it there, and quickly walked out. Normally, all the nurses greet me and interact with me since they know me, but this time it was different: they all avoided my gaze and left the room as quickly as possible. They limited themselves to greeting me and nothing more. Did my face look that bad? I thought, touching my face.
My whole body hurt, and I kept thinking about how to apologize to my adoptive mother. She was probably thinking of leaving me without painkillers for a long time. She must be shooting lightning from how angry she is, I reflected.
Now no one could deny that Paulina inherited her bad temper and stubbornness from her mother.
"Ms. Vega, you're awake," a doctor said as he entered the room.
I noticed I wasn't alone; my beloved mother was there too, and she looked furious.
"Ms. Vega, what you did was very inconsiderate, irresponsible, and—" the doctor began.
"Stupid," my mother finished the sentence in a grave tone.
"Exactly. It could have had terrible consequences, and one of them is that your left knee is badly damaged. You'll need surgery; however—" the doctor started, but my mother interrupted him.
"Because of your stupidity, you'll have to wait another month and monitor the progress of your other fractures before we decide if we can operate," she said firmly.
"That's correct, Ms. Vega. Everything Dr. Scott has said must be done. On my part, that's all," the doctor informed me, visibly nervous.
He quickly left the room, afraid of my mother-in-law's anger.
"Excuse me, doctor, when will I be discharged?" I asked before he could walk out the door.
My dear mother-in-law shot me a murderous look, telling me to stop asking that kind of question.
"Maybe in about two more days, if she survives Dr. Scott," he replied as he left the room.
I panicked at the doctor's words and swallowed hard to face my mother-in-law.
"What were you thinking?" she shouted. "You almost died, Shanti!" she continued yelling hysterically.
"I'm sorry," I apologized, lowering my head.
Wow—my mother-in-law was terrifying. It was the first time I had ever seen her this hysterical. Not even when I started dating Paulina did she yell at me like this.
"Why didn't you tell me you were in the hospital when I called you?" she scolded me.
"I'm sorry, Mother, but when you told me what Paulina wanted, I knew that was my opportunity. So I gave her everything so she would talk to me again," I confessed.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" she paced hysterically around the room. "You left the hospital badly injured just because you thought you had a chance with my daughter. For God's sake, is stupidity transmitted through the air? To end up with two daughters this idiotic," she said, approaching me. "How could you even think of putting your life on the line for—"
She fell silent.
"I know it wasn't the best idea I've ever had, but I'm desperate. I want Paulina to forgive me, and yes, I'd risk even my life to get back together with her," I confessed.
My mother-in-law stared at me, stunned, confused, and angry.
"I won't allow it," she opposed firmly. "No, I won't allow it at the cost of your life. So I won't keep supporting you in this madness," she warned me.
"Please don't turn your back on me. It's the only thing I have left," I begged.
Still angry with me, my mother-in-law remained firm in her decision not to help me anymore with Paulina, because I was hurting myself.
Three days passed while I remained in the hospital, and not once did Paulina come to visit me. I was deeply sad, but the next day I would have to see her again to find out what else she wanted from me, since I was being discharged today.
The next day, I returned to the hospital. I went to her office and spoke with her assistant; she didn't look at me or talk to me either, other than greeting me. She simply informed Paulina that I was requesting an appointment with her. After a few seconds, her assistant asked me to wait a few minutes, which I did. I sat and waited about ten minutes until a messy, black-haired woman walked out of her office. Then, her assistant let me in.
I saw how disordered her office was: papers scattered on the floor, the desk in complete chaos, as if someone had thrown things around desperately.
"Now I understand what you told Madison," Paulina looked me up and down. "That I needed to sleep with more people. And you're absolutely right—sleeping with several people is very, very gratifying," she spoke triumphantly while I clenched my fists. "Although not as much as sleeping with your girlfriend's cousin," she added while adjusting her coat and her hair.
So Madison had told her about our conversation. It made sense—they were best friends, I thought.
"Paulina…" I said, jealous.
"For you, Doctor or Ms. Scott?" she corrected me.
"Ms. Scott," I repeated.
"I'm here to try to reach an agreement to recover my businesses," I said angrily.
"I was waiting for you. You started very well before you collapsed and fainted that day," she said, standing up and stepping in front of me with a smile.
"You can't blame me for falling to my knees in front of you, considering you've always had me on my knees," I replied, returning her smile.
She looked annoyed by my attempt to flirt with her.
"I think you've mistaken me for someone else. I'm not Valentina," she said angrily.
I grew angry at the insinuation, while she smiled triumphantly at seeing how much it bothered me.
"I know you desperately want me to give everything back to you," she said cynically.
"And you don't even deny it was you," I accused.
"Why would I deny it? My goal is for you to suffer," she confessed.
I smiled at her direct threat. There was no doubt this was going to get ugly.
"I'll make it very easy for you. I only want you to do three things, and I'll give everything back to you. Or you could skip the three and do just one," she commented.
"I choose the three," I replied immediately.
"I haven't even told you what they are, and you choose without knowing," she said, annoyed. "I just hope you don't ask me to murder anyone."
Her smile vanished and was replaced by an irritated expression.
"First, you'll please me whenever I want and wherever I want…"
"You want me to be your sex slave?" I interrupted her.
"It's good that you understand and don't make me repeat myself. Second, you'll agree to all my requests and orders without refusing any. Don't worry—those orders will only be given in bed. For example, if I want a threesome, you'll do it," she warned me with a crooked smile.
My face of horror and anger was evident, and I could see how Paulina was enjoying my obvious fury.
"You've gone crazy!" I shouted, upset.
"I'm just following your advice to live life more," she said innocently. "And third, I forbid you from interacting with any woman. If for any reason you're near Valentina or anyone else, I will have every right to punish you," she warned me.
I was in shock. What was she asking of me? She had lost her mind.
"Oh, do you prefer to just marry me and have the heir my father wants so badly? But I warn you, I will remain a free woman, while you will have to fulfill your role as a wife," she finished giving me her options as I froze.
All her options were ridiculous. How could I allow her to ask for something as absurd as a threesome? That was unthinkable. And marrying her just to bring a child into the world… Never!
"Do I have another option, perhaps?" I asked, clenching my fists.
"I gave you four excellent options, and you have—" she glanced at her watch—thirty seconds before my offer expires.
Alright, Paulina. If you want to play, I'll make you fall into your own game. You'll fall even more in love with me. That's my job, and I will never let you even think you could be with someone else. You'll only think about touching me,* I thought furiously, while she kept looking at her watch.
"The three options," I answered through gritted teeth.
"Wow, that surprises me again. I thought you'd choose to marry me, even though you wouldn't get my inheritance, obviously. Unless you think somehow you could get it through the baby," she said, intrigued.
"Mmm," I pretended to think. "Maybe… because I don't want your money, I want you. But I know you don't believe me, so I'll prove it to you," I approached her, provoking her.
I was so close to her lips that I could feel her breath, although my goal was to seduce her. What happened next I didn't see coming: she abruptly leaned in and kissed me. Her hand grabbed my hair while her other hand searched for the button of my pants. But, since she couldn't undo it, she ripped my shirt. The buttons flew everywhere, revealing the bandages holding my sore and broken ribs.
"Ms. Valentina, Dr. Scott is busy," I managed to hear.
The door flew open, showing an angry Valentina entering the office, making us quickly separate.
"You call this busy?" Valentina spoke furiously.
She looked at us while I tried to cover my torn shirt a little.
"Why do you enter without permission, Valentina?" Paulina shouted.
"I came for my future wife," she said, looking at me, leaving Mary astonished.
"Mary, leave us," Paulina ordered, and Mary quickly left, closing the door.
"Come on, darling, we need to plan a wedding," Valentina said, holding my hand, but I dodged her.
"Valentina, do you even know the madness you're saying?" I confronted her.
"Did you forget? My mother gave you that money so you would return to me later," she argued.
Paulina wanted to kill me, and she undoubtedly would have if it weren't for Valentina and Mary, who were going to witness.
"Your mother didn't give me that money to—"
"Enough!" Paulina interrupted, her voice full of fury. She stared at me and continued: "Listen carefully, Valentina. Don't ever speak to me like that again in your life. And don't worry about her," she pointed at me with disdain, "I'll give her back when I get bored of her, and then you can do whatever you want."
Her words were like a direct blow to the heart, a dagger slowly sinking into my chest.
"Who would have thought that the perfect daughter, the good girl, the one everyone admired, the one who judged me her whole life, would turn out to be a damn villain?"
"Enough, Valentina!" I shouted, interrupting her speech. "Shut up!"
"Why do you defend her? She's treating you like an object, like trash, and yet you defend her!" she reprimanded me furiously.
"You should leave."
Valentina, stubborn as always, didn't want to leave. I knew it was best for her to walk away before she completely destroyed what was left of my relationship with Paulina, although it seemed unlikely she would.
"Don't think, little cousin, that she loves you," Valentina continued, crossing her arms. "She was only with you because she wanted to sleep with a virgin."
I wanted to strangle her for revealing that, for exposing something that had been part of a dirty game between her and me. I knew I had said it at some point, but it had been at Valentina's request. I never thought those words on my own. I always said what she wanted to hear. But now, seeing it all exposed, filled me with indescribable rage.
"Remember, Shanti?" Valentina said with a satisfied smile. "Your fantasy of sleeping with a virgin turned you on too much."
That was like a punch to the stomach. My mind went blank. How had it come to this? I felt humiliated and vulnerable.
"Shut up and leave, Valentina!" I shouted, grabbing her arm to pull her out of the room.
But Paulina stopped me.
"No," she said, stopping me with a defiant look. "Stop. Continue, please, little cousin," she asked Valentina, while smiling with a twisted expression.
Valentina, pleased with the turn of the conversation, wasted no time continuing.
"Tell me what other fantasies this trash had, so I can see if I can make them real," she said maliciously, enjoying every word.
"Of course," Valentina responded, as if she had no remorse.
"Enough, Valentina, shut up already," I said in a firm voice, squeezing her arm, the one she had immobilized.
"Let her speak," Paulina replied, staring at me with hatred.
Paulina's eyes drilled into mine, demanding I stay quiet. Then, Valentina began revealing things I never imagined would come to light.
"You've tried all positions with Shanti, right? You know she loves doing it in the shower," she said with a triumphant smile, as if winning a battle.
Paulina mocked her.
"Really," Valentina continued with a sarcastic laugh. "Because I'm more than sure her favorite place is the living room. She rarely does it in the shower, and when she does, it's because she hates the damn smell of sex, neither hers nor the other person's."
The humiliation was so strong I could barely breathe. Valentina looked at me, furious, knowing that what Paulina had said was true. The worst part was that Paulina knew it, because I had told her myself. One night, I confessed that I hated the smell of sex, but with her, everything changed. The smell that disgusted me with others, with Paulina, was different. Somehow, it turned me on.
"Tell me, has she already taken you with the harness?" Valentina asked, pressing the topic.
Paulina was shocked by the revelation. Her eyes locked on me, waiting for some reaction.
"From your reaction, I see she hasn't," Valentina mocked. "Although I understand, you're just a newbie and she's very passionate."
She smiled maliciously, and I, defeated, finished pushing her out of the room, slamming the door shut.
I could see Paulina clenching her fists, so angry that she could have broken something at any moment. The atmosphere was becoming increasingly tense. Rage and disdain filled every corner of the room.
"Darling…" Paulina tried to say softly, but her reaction was instant.
"Don't call me that!" I shouted hysterically. "You've already forgotten how to address me!"
"Ms. Scott!" I corrected.
"Leave!" Paulina shouted, her hatred palpable. "Or do you want someone to drag you out?"
I left her office, feeling her disdain in every word. I walked through the hospital, noticing curious glances directed at me. Everyone was watching, probably wondering what had happened for me to appear with my shirt buttonless. Everything I had achieved with Paulina crumbled before my eyes, all because of Valentina.
When I got to my apartment, my body was exhausted. I threw myself on the bed, trying to forget the pain in my ribs, but the discomfort only grew over time. I fell asleep, hoping rest would bring some relief. However, I was awakened by the sound of an incoming call on my phone. I didn't want to answer, didn't want to hear more.
My life had changed in a single day. Everything I knew, everything I had loved, had vanished, and I found myself trapped in a whirlwind I didn't know how to escape.
"Damn you, Shanti, damn the day I met you! Not only were you with me for my money, you got the perfect idiot—virgin and with money. You're so twisted!" I shouted furiously, throwing several things to the floor.
I couldn't get Valentina's words out of my mind—who Shanti really was. How could I have not known her true face?
I called Valentina because the uncertainty was killing me; I wanted her to tell me everything, to reveal the true face of that trash.
The door opened gently, and a familiar figure appeared in the doorway. It was Valentina.
"Hello, cousin," she greeted with her characteristic tone, a smile on her face that couldn't hide the anxiety in her eyes.
"Come in," I replied dryly, barely raising my gaze. My mind was still clouded by Valentina's words, and I had no patience for delays.
Valentina crossed the threshold and walked toward the living room without saying anything else. She seemed unbothered by the tension in the air. She sat on the couch with a comfort that drove me insane.
"Alright, what do you want to know?" she said, standing firm.
"Everything. Speak," I demanded, crossing my arms, jaw tight. I didn't have a minute to lose.
She leaned back comfortably on the couch, as if the situation wasn't as tense as I felt. At first, she said nothing, but then she began speaking, as if everything that had happened to me until that moment were part of a bad dream she wanted to share.
"I met her at a club," she began with a smile, as if recalling a funny anecdote. "And that very night, we slept together. You know, cousin, it was the best experience I had that night, and I had already slept with two others before Shanti, but she… she was different. She was the last, and since that night I haven't been able to get her out of my head."
She sighed, as if immersed in her own thoughts for a moment. Yet, curiosity burned inside me. I didn't want to know, but I needed to hear it. I needed to understand what was really happening.
"But you know what was the most curious thing…" she continued, looking at me intently. "By chance, we ran into each other again."
My stomach tightened. I knew there was more to come, but I wasn't ready for it.
"I already know that," I replied, annoyed, watching Valentina smile wickedly, as if enjoying my discomfort.
She didn't seem to notice, or perhaps she didn't care. She continued speaking with an attitude of total disdain.
"Anyway, we did it every day," she said, biting her lip with a gesture that was a mix of lust and mockery. "We did everything in the catalog, every fantasy you can think of. Her hip movement with the harness… it's from another world. I loved doing it in the missionary position; she always went so deep inside me while biting my lips. It was… so exciting. By your face, cousin, I see you never did it with her," she mocked with a malicious smile. Her tone became spicier as she recalled the moments they apparently shared.
My stomach churned. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"But I also loved the fantasies she had. You know? She has an incredible imagination," she added with a mischievous tone, clearly enjoying telling me those details.
My anger grew like a wildfire in my chest. How could she talk about all that so freely? Valentina's tone was repulsive, and I felt disgusted.
"What the hell are you talking about, Valentina?" I asked, my voice tense, face hardened with anger I could no longer contain.
"She came up with so many ways to do it. First, we did it on a terrace, in full view of everyone. Then, in an elevator—it was so exciting to think that at any moment we could be caught. We also had a threesome with a harness, and that was the first whim I granted her. But what she asked for the most was to do it with a virgin; it turned her on too much. And well, who am I to deny her a little whim, right?" she said, trying to look innocent, as if she had no remorse for what she was telling me.
She looked at me with disdain.
"Oh, I don't think you know, but I'm going to quote her words," she said, mocking me. "'I want to be with a virgin because I want to feel her tremble for the first time in my hands and hear her scream my name while she tries to catch her breath.'" She repeated it as if recalling the experience with pleasure.
A shiver ran through my body, but I fought it with anger.
"You disgust me," I said, feeling deep revulsion.
"Please, Paulina, stop pretending to be pure. You're fooling no one," she replied, her tone dripping with mockery. "You know perfectly well why you called me. It's to try to repeat what you did with her. But now, what you'll be to her is simply a repetition, a déjà vu of what I already did with her," she said, smiling triumphantly.
Anger choked me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"You're sick, Valentina," I said, disturbed by every word that came out of her mouth.
"Look at the irony," she said, standing up from the couch. "You fell in love with someone like me, whom you always despised for my actions, and…"
"Your lifestyle isn't life, Valentina," I interrupted, my voice firm and full of disdain. "And I never despised you; I was just trying to make you see reason," I defended myself, feeling pressure in my chest.
"If it makes you feel better, I'll play along, Paulina," she replied with disdain, as if she had already won the conversation. "Anyway, the only reason I'm here is to tell you to stay away from Shanti. I've decided I'll be the one to give her everything back because, unlike you, I know all her faces." She finished her sentence, turning to leave.
"I won't do it," I said finally, firm in my decision.
"Excuse me!" she said incredulously, looking at me in astonishment. "You're thinking of continuing with her?" She looked at me, bewildered, unable to understand. "Paulina, with something I used first?" she tried to make me angry. "Oh, I get it," she said, as if everything made sense to her. "You just want to take revenge on her. You've always been vengeful, cousin," she reminded me with a mocking smile. "But I'm afraid I'll ruin your plans because I won't allow it, and you know why I won't allow it," she paused, looking at me seriously. "Because I don't want you touching her anymore."
She finished speaking, visibly annoyed, and walked toward the door. She slammed it shut, leaving me there, still angry, frustrated, and more disappointed than I had already been.
I needed to do something, I thought, snapping out of my paralysis. I called my lawyer and asked him to draft the contract I had prepared for Shanti. This contract would be her prison, and she wouldn't be able to get out of it easily, much less break it.
Fortunately, my lawyer had already finished drafting the contract with all the clauses and requests I had sent in advance.
In less than 30 minutes, my lawyer arrived and handed me the documents. All that was left was for the other party to arrive.
I took out my phone and called the idiot of my ex-girlfriend. I only needed to call her twice, and on the second call, she said she was on her way. I just told her to come to my apartment, and she did immediately, always driven by the lure of money.
I was waiting for her with the contract ready. She just needed to sign it, and my revenge would begin that very night.
"Good evening, Ms. Scott," she greeted, cheeks flushed, standing at the door of my apartment.
"Come in," I ordered, giving her no choice. She entered without a word.
She stood in the living room, and I handed her the documents. She took them, but I couldn't help noticing the strange look she had, as if she didn't quite understand what was happening.
"It's the contract," I commented, expression impassive. "Read it, sign it, and you'll get everything back."
I watched her from the corner of my eye as she took the papers. She was pale, and that scarf couldn't hide the fever she had. I could see her struggling to stay upright; she could barely stand. Her face reflected how unwell she felt, and despite the high fever she surely had, she was completely absorbed in the contract. It was ten pages long, and she was already on the last one.
"Do you have a pen?" she asked weakly.
I couldn't believe it. Was she really that stupid? She hadn't read a single clause of the contract. She didn't even realize what she was signing. Her desperation or fever didn't allow her to see what was happening. I think she simply read her name to sign, without even thinking about what it meant.
I handed her the pen, and she signed, returning the contract along with the pen.
"Anything else, Ms. Scott?" she asked, smiling triumphantly, completely unaware of what she had just done.
Damn her… What the hell are you planning to smile like that for, because the one who's going to suffer for signing that contract will be you.
"Take off your clothes," I ordered, and she looked confused by my request.
"You want to do it now?" she asked weakly.
"Don't make me repeat myself. Buy something you'll like," I said, smiling triumphantly.
Even with her confused expression, she didn't resist and began removing her clothes very slowly. She moved like a turtle, which made me furious at her slowness.
After a few seconds, I couldn't take it anymore. I went to remove her clothes myself, tearing her shirt again and taking off her pants, leaving her in her underwear. I approached the small table, took my phone, and snapped a photo.
"What are you doing?" she asked, frightened.
"Go to the bedroom," I ordered, and she didn't move, clearly upset.
I took her by the hand and dragged her to the bedroom, throwing her onto the bed. I saw her land on her immobilized arm—she complained in pain, but I ignored her moans. I took off my own clothes, leaving myself in underwear, and threw myself on top of her, straddling her and kissing her lips roughly.
"I swear, Shanti, you'll regret making me fall in love with you," I whispered.
"Paulina, could you be less rough?" she cried out in a small scream of pain. "Paulina, my ribs are broken," she tried to remind me.
I ignored her and continued biting her neck while my hands explored her abdomen, though the bandages kept me from feeling her skin at all.
"Paulina, please wait, it hurts so much," she kept complaining.
She tried to wriggle free from my grasp, but I held her tightly by her injured arm to keep her still.
"Paulina, you're hurting me," she kept complaining in her pained voice. "Paulina, please let me go," she begged, her voice breaking.
I refused to listen to her pleas; my rage didn't allow me to hear her cries, sobs, and begging.
My anger was growing even more, just imagining her kissing and touching Valentina. My mind went blank, and I only returned to my senses after releasing my fury on the person who broke my heart and destroyed me completely.
After finishing with her, I got up, put on a robe, gathered all her clothes, and threw them at her so she could leave.
"Get out of my house," I ordered rudely.
Shanti didn't move, just remained in a corner of the bed, inert.
"Leave!" I shouted, and she still didn't move. "Are you deaf?" I asked angrily.
She got up, staggering while holding her arm with her hand, as her immobilizer must have ended up somewhere in the room. She picked up her clothes with her head down, looking only at the floor, so I couldn't see her face. I didn't care; I just wanted her gone.
She was taking too long to put her clothes on, and my patience was running out. When she finally finished, she lifted her face to look at me. I could see her face completely red, and her expression of pain pierced my heart, filling me with indescribable sorrow.
"Paulina," she spoke in her broken, pained voice, "I understand now. I understand that you only want to hurt me. I refused to believe that you could harm me, but you have. And not just physically, emotionally too," she looked at me, tears streaming down her cheeks. "You've abused me in every possible way. And you know the worst part? I'm more at fault because I allowed it all. I let you do it. And the only reason I allowed it was because I love you. I love you so much that I allowed you to hurt me. But I cannot imagine a whole life being abused this way or any other. I love you too much, and I accept your hatred. So I accept my fate," she smiled melancholically. "I accept that you will never love me again, and I accept that you will never trust me again. Forgive me, Paulina. Forgive me for crossing your path, forgive me for hurting you, and most of all, forgive me for failing to fix the damage I caused. I just want you to know I will always regret not making you happy, not healing your heart, and not keeping my promises. You will always be my first and only love, Paulina. So I know one day you will heal from this crap I gave you and give yourself a new chance to love again. I know the person you choose will love you, and you will love them in the way you deserve. I wish you a life full of happiness, and I hope you find someone who makes you smile as beautifully as you do," she smiled with nostalgia. "But most of all, I hope you never come across someone as trashy as me again," she finished, tears in her eyes.
She went toward the bedroom door, holding her arm.
I stood in the middle of the room, frozen, tears running down my face. I wanted to follow her, but it was too late. I heard the door close, and all that was left for me was to break down crying.
................
I hit rock bottom. Paulina hates me, and I can't change that. My whole chest hurts. Was my destiny to never love anyone or be happy with someone?
After leaving Paulina's apartment, my heart hurt more than my physical wounds. I no longer cared about my ribs, my head, or my sore arm.
I went to buy a lot of alcohol to lose consciousness because all I wanted was to erase from my mind the fact that Paulina would no longer be with me, that she would move on without me. I had to start accepting that she would build a family without me, that she no longer loved me.
As I finished the first bottle, the memories kept coming back. The alcohol was supposed to make me forget, but the memories only returned stronger. As if my mind enjoyed making me suffer, it sent me the happiest moments I had shared with Paulina over and over.
Flashback
"Love," Paulina called as she came over to where I was.
"Honey," I replied, getting up to stand behind her.
"Can I ask you something?" she said anxiously, kissing my shoulder.
"Of course, love. What's wrong?" I replied, hugging her from behind.
"Do you want to have children?" she asked, and I let go to stand in front of her.
"Children?" I asked, startled.
"Yes, children," she replied nervously.
I stayed quiet, unsure how to approach the topic. Children were an important matter.
"You don't want them?" she asked sadly.
I took her hands and invited her to sit on the sofa so we could talk more comfortably.
"I've never wanted to have them," I answered honestly.
She let go of my hands, and I could see her eyes glistening with tears.
"Love, you do want them, don't you?" she asked, trying to take my hands again. "I do," she whispered. "I want to be a mother," she continued, her voice breaking. "I've always wanted a big family, but more than anything, I want to experience the whole pregnancy process. I want you to indulge all my cravings when I'm pregnant, I want you to take care of me during pregnancy, I want you to pamper me, I want to go shopping for baby clothes with you, I want to decorate the baby's room with you. But you don't want to," she said, her throat tight as tears ran down her face.
"Love, if you want, we could have them," I said, wiping her tears, "but there's something I haven't told you."
That day I had planned to tell her everything about my past, but in the end, I chickened out and only confessed the fertility issue I had.
"Love, I can't have children," I finally said.
"What?" she asked, confused.
"I have a problem with my uterus that prevents a baby from developing," I explained.
"So that's why you don't want children?"
"Partly, honey. The other reason is…" I sighed, gathering courage, "I'm afraid of being a bad mother, of repeating the cycle I had with my father, or of leaving the baby and you alone if something happens to me like it did to my mother."
"I understand your fears, love, and thank you for telling me," she said, caressing my face. "You would be an excellent mother, and I can swear you would never repeat that cycle that haunts you so much," she said, trying to reassure me.
I was grateful that she understood my fears. I had no doubts. I knew she was the right one to start a family. I felt it in my guts, deep in my soul.
"Thank you for understanding, love," I said, kissing her hands. "But I have to confess something."
I looked at her with so much love.
"Some time ago, I decided that I do want to have children, but only if it's with you," I confessed. "Love, you make me stronger, and I know that with your help, I won't do so badly."
Paulina looked at me with her eyes full of tears—but tears of happiness.
"Love, are you sure you want this?" she asked, holding my face with both hands to make me look into her eyes.
"Yes, honey, but only with you," I confirmed. "And I want at least seven," I smiled, raising an eyebrow teasingly. "You know I love you, right?"
"I know," she smiled sweetly. "I love you too," she replied, kissing me. "And guess what, love? I want nine," she smiled again before kissing me.
"Then we'll make it eight, so we don't fight," I murmured between her lips.
The kiss deepened, and our clothes began to feel in the way. That day, we decided we were going to start a family. And although she didn't know it yet, I was preparing a surprise to propose to her.
End of Flashback
I was already finishing my second bottle when, like a punch, another memory hit me. This time it was about the moment I decided to propose to Paulina.
Flashback
My mother-in-law was pressing me to know if I wanted to have children.
"I'll have up to seven children, but only if it's with Paulina, and they'll be within marriage," I said, very sure of myself.
"Wow, don't you think it's too soon for you to be thinking about marriage?" my mother-in-law replied, suspiciously.
"Mrs. Scott, but if you're asking for grandchildren, then before the children arrive, one must get married first," I emphasized.
My mother-in-law laughed because I was right, and it was a little ridiculous to think I wouldn't marry Paulina first.
"I know my family is far from functional. Everyone is crazy and, to some extent, toxic. I also can't proudly say that all their teachings were correct, because most of them gave me incorrect ideologies. However, what makes us different from all other families, what I've learned from mine and carry in my blood, is that when we love someone, it's for life. Now I understand my father a little, because his world was my mother, and now my world is Paulina. I would do anything for her, as long as she is happy," I spoke sincerely.
"I'm glad to hear that. And those words, you must say them in your vows," my mother-in-law smiled happily.
"I will," I promised. "But first I need to buy her the ring and propose to her. I also need to make sure she says yes," I said nervously.
"Do you doubt she'll say yes?" my mother-in-law asked sarcastically. "And about the ring, I know you'll choose the right one," she added, encouraging me.
End of Flashback
"Friend," Mady said, entering my apartment and hugging me.
I was grateful she hadn't taken long to arrive. When I called her, she seemed confused, but the moment I felt her embrace, I began to cry uncontrollably in her arms. An hour ago, Shanti had left here, and gone, forever. For some reason, I felt I had done something terrible. I could see it in her eyes. I don't think anyone could fake or give the look she gave me. That look completely destroyed me.
When I managed to calm down a little, between sobs, I told Maddison what had happened. Her face reflected horror, confirming that I had done something very wrong. She tried to process everything I told her until, in the end, after debating with herself, she spoke:
"Paulina, what you've done is awful, and you know it, right?" she said carefully.
"I didn't want this to happen, I didn't want to become a monster," I replied, breaking down in tears again.
"Friend, what have you done?" she looked at me, distressed. "You know exactly what you have to do, right?" she asked, staring at me, waiting for my answer.
"Turn myself in to the police?" I replied, looking at her.
"Yes, Paulina," she confirmed.
That's when I realized the terrible truth. I had abused Shanti, but I hadn't fully realized it until Maddison forced me to open my eyes.
"Oh my God," my tears streamed down my cheeks. "I abused her," I whispered, horrified.
"Paulina, I have to tell you that turning yourself in won't help, because she would never accept it or testify against you. And I know you might think it's because she could get something from you in return, but unfortunately I have to rule that out, because Shanti is deeply in love with you," Maddison said, giving me a pitying look.
"She cheated on me, Mady," I reminded her.
I don't know why those words kept coming out of my mouth, and I hated saying them. But it still hurt.
"Friend, listen to me, please," Maddison pleaded. "I'm only going to ask you this once: go to therapy. Paulina, I love you and adore you as if you were my sister, and that's why I'm asking you this," she begged, almost pleading.
I went blank for a few seconds, trying to process her request.
"Do you think I'm crazy?" I asked angrily.
"No, no," Maddison denied quickly. "Paulina, you haven't realized that you have a serious problem with jealousy," she said, staring straight into my eyes.
"What?" I asked, stunned.
"Paulina, I know you, I know how you are," she reminded me. "Paulina, you're possessive, and your possessiveness was much more evident with Shanti. Just think about it for a moment—you hated it when any woman got close to her."
"That's normal," I defended myself, annoyed.
"It is, up to a point, Paulina. But it stops being normal when you ask your partner not to go to the gym because you're dying of jealousy," she reminded me. "Paulina, right now your jealousy is controlling your life, and not the other way around, like it should," Maddison said, worried.
"Are you saying all of this is my fault?" I asked, confused.
"Hell no, Paulina!" she snapped. "I'm not saying that. Just listen to what I'm telling you and you'll understand why your jealousy is out of control. Shanti met Valentina years ago. She didn't even know you existed back then, and you felt, for the first time, an uncontrollable rage—which was clearly your jealousy. When Valentina kissed Shanti—are you following me, Paulina? It was Valentina who kissed her, not Shanti."
"Shanti later explained the whole story to you, and yes, what Valentina did to her was messed up, but she didn't cheat on you, Paulina. Valentina manipulated you so you would distrust her more and hurt her, with the sole purpose of pushing her back toward her. But Shanti didn't fall for it. She kept chasing after you like a lapdog. And in the end, the one who definitively pushed her away was you, Paulina," Mady said, trying to make me see reason.
I stayed silent, thinking about everything, and damn it… it was all true. Valentina manipulated me, and I, like an idiot, let her.
"How did I not realize it before?" I questioned myself. "Of course Valentina manipulated me, because it enraged me to think about Shanti touching her. But those thoughts were projected as if they were still together, and the things she told me… I never asked Shanti if they were true. I never asked her to tell me what really happened, because I assumed it was true because of what she did in the past."
"But what about her?" I tried to ask something, but I didn't even know what to ask anymore, because everything was starting to make sense.
"Friend, for your own good, I just want you to go to therapy. At least you're aware now that what you did was wrong," Mady said carefully.
She finished talking to me and stayed with me all night, keeping me company while I kept replaying and remembering every detail from the moment this whole damn situation started. I began questioning everything, and damn it, it was all true. What Mady told me… I was the one who made the biggest mistakes, driven by my jealousy.
Right now, my mother's words echoed louder than ever in my head:
"You are making the worst mistake of your life."
I didn't sleep all night, thinking about everything. My mind was so tangled that I didn't know what to focus on. The next day, I agreed to go to therapy, and during the first session, I realized many things and managed to release others that had been buried deep inside me, like the absence of my parents during my childhood, my inability to feel emotions, and the walls I had built around the people in my life.
Today marked three months since I started therapy. I returned to my parents' house because I had told them what was happening, and they didn't hesitate to support me.
I've had a positive evolution, although the worst day was when I realized I had allowed myself to be manipulated by my irrational jealousy, just as I already knew.
My therapist told me that, if Shanti and Valentina had slept together, Valentina blackmailed Shanti to stay with her, and Shanti took advantage of the situation. But that I had nothing to do with this story.
Shanti never cheated on me. Shanti never asked for anything in order to be with me. I know that day I was disappointed in her because she wasn't the perfect person I thought she was. And if I was so disappointed, why didn't I just walk away? Why did I want revenge?
Easy. My revenge was always a facade because I didn't want to let her go. I wanted her by my side, even if it meant destroying myself and destroying her.
I never intended to leave her; I only wanted to hurt her because I believed she had deceived me and played with me, something she never did. That same day, I realized that she loved me.
How is it that, being so smart, I didn't realize her love? She gave me her businesses just for speaking to me again. She didn't care about being on the streets, she didn't care about leaving the hospital with serious injuries, just to talk to me. She accepted my ridiculous requests and clauses just to come back to my side. She didn't care about her own well-being as long as she could be with me. She didn't care about the harm I caused her, not only physically but emotionally. Everything, just to be with me.
And, as her final act of love, she left me, so I could be happy with someone else. She wished happiness for my life, along with the hope that I would never meet anyone like her again. I made her feel so miserable that she believed she was a complete waste, something she never was. Many times, I noticed in her eyes the longing to repair something she hadn't broken, and all I did was crush that longing.
Maddison was right—everything was my fault. That was what hurt the most. That day, I cried like a child, and I wanted to run immediately to apologize to Shanti, but my mother stopped me, telling me I had to be completely free of those stupid jealousies so that nothing would get in the way between us.
I had to accept my mother's request because she was right, and since that day, I've been giving my utmost effort to recover and become a person free of those obsessive jealousies.
"Love," I heard—the voice I had longed to hear these past three months.
"Love," I replied, seeing her.
She was dressed in a white tracksuit and looked so happy to see me.
She approached where I was standing and took my hands. I couldn't hold back anymore and started crying.
"Love," I couldn't say anything, I couldn't stop crying, and she was wiping my tears.
"I've missed you so much," she said, so sweetly that it hurt. "You know I love you," she smiled at me, still wiping my tears. "Thank you for teaching me to love," she smiled again, and I returned a weak smile. "And since I am a good student, I will love you for all eternity," she kissed my hands. "Be happy, my love," she whispered, smiling with nostalgia. "Never forget that I love you," and she stood up, walking away from me.
"Love," I shouted, but she didn't turn around and kept walking.
I could see her moving away from me little by little.
"Shanti, don't leave me," I ran after her, as I was losing sight of her in that bright, blinding light.
I got up, frantic, looking everywhere for Shanti.
"It was a nightmare," I murmured, wiping the tears that had streamed down my face, which I didn't even notice arriving.
While I was wiping my tears, I heard noises coming from downstairs. I peeked out and saw my mother leaving through the door, and behind her was my father. Before my father went out, I stopped him.
"Dad, is everything okay?" I asked, worried.
"Sweetheart, are you awake?" it was more than a question; it was a statement.
I could hear my mother's car leaving.
"Sweetheart, you have to be strong," she said carefully.
"What's happening?" I asked, even more worried.
"It's Shanti, she's in the hospital," my father told me, without beating around the bush.
"What?" I asked, terrified, moving quickly toward him.
"She had a cardiac arrest. We need to go to the hospital now, sweetheart," he said, taking my hand to leave.