Part One: Goodbye
For as long as I could remember, I had carried my pebble with me. As the grief corroded and hit like match and oil, erupting in burning flames, I had not even noticed the loss of my symbol of hope over the loss of the person I loved most. Maybe losing the pebble hurt less because it was quieter — easier to ignore.
I stayed trapped in my room for weeks, letting time smear together until even hunger felt like an illusion. This all had happened during the summer.
I had always hated the Summer. Warm, glistening heat. Building sweat. My body, aching and hunching. The sound of cicadas hitting my ear. Being forced to play outside because it was 'healthy'. The thought had never occurred that there was a feeling worse than summer.
"Feeling better today?" Leon asked, patting my shoulder.
I laugh dimly, slumping my head down slightly. "Not really, better than last week, though." He nods before settling his arm on my shoulder and leaning closer to me playfully. But, I was not better than last week, and I knew that. But maybe if I say it enough times, it will come true.
"Look, she wasn't your forever. But — that doesn't mean it didn't matter," I nod. We had been buddies since grade school so we knew each other well. We had always been there for each other during breakups and understood how to cheer each other up. But grief doesn't care about logic — it only knows the shape of what's missing. In the middle of thought, I reach into my pocket to remember the loss of my pebble. "Seems like someone has a double loss," Leon says, watching me seek for my pebble. He didn't get how important it was to me. No one ever did. And that's what I didn't like about him. He doesn't ever get what someone has to cover not to seem weak.
I groan in response. "Shut it, man." I push him with my arm. He pushes me onto my back and I relax, my mind spiralling as grief finds its way back to me about Molly, her lemon ice cream addiction, what she meant to me, and how irreversible she is in my mind.
"You should go out. C'mon man, you can't just stay in your room grieving forever."
"Is this why you came over?" I ask.
"Psh… what? Are you accusing me of something?" He ruffles his hair, causing me to smile. "Well, I'm going to take that as a yes."
"Fine, whatever…" I mumble before sitting back up on the couch. I was ready to move on once and for all.
—
I blinked, and the concrete under my feet changed. The flowers bloomed as the sun hit my eyes.
"Catch me if you can!" Molly flashed in my mind. I was 14 again and so was Molly. We had been on a cornfield for a picnic on our year anniversary.
"You wanna challenge me?!" I yell playfully. I ran after her and tackled her, landing on my back with her in my arms to stop her from collision. The pebble flew out of my pocket.
"Not fair. You're just too bulky and fast." She grunts. Standing up and brushing her sweater off. Her platinum blond strands rustled in the wind and her skin glowed.
"That seems more like a compliment than an insult." I stand up and tuck a stand of hair behind her ear. "How about we cheer that pretty face up with some ice cream?"
She turns to me, "lemon!?"
"You want me to drive that far?" I laugh. After giving me puppy dog eyes, I was convinced enough to drive 30 minutes to get her ice cream. I kiss her on the cheek. "Fine. I'll drive there." Her face lights up as she is sprinting to the car. "Wait, let me get my pebble first!" I ran over to grab my pebble on the ground before returning to the car.
"I love you, Molly." I tell her, as true as it always had been.
She smiles. "Love you too, Noah. Always will."
—
My world turned gray again, it had been for a while. It was summer again and we were outside. Molly, Molly, Molly… I repeated in my mind. Why'd you have to do that to me… Why? I loved you… But I knew she wouldn't last forever. Nothing good ever does.
"Snap out of it. Are you thinking of her again?" He waves his hand in my face. I come back to my senses. "Y'know, if she did something like that to you, you shouldn't try to like her!"
"I get it, dang it…" I mumble, rubbing my temples. "She wasn't a good person. Bla, bla, bla…" The picture of her echoed in my mind. The picture that would never change. But I didn't want it to. We continued to walk on the concrete. The summer heat pressed down on my shoulders. My back hunched and I felt the sweat linger on my neck. Eventually, Leon had gotten us to the local supermarket.
"Get some ice cream or something. Just, I want you to stay outside." Leon reached into his pocket. Feeling around for his wallet. He grabbed it and took it out, counting his change. The lemon ice cream stood out and I was stuck there like it would attack me. Would it?
—
The color faded back. We were on a road trip in Oklahoma. The snowflakes glided through the air, free and prosperous like our love onto the hood of my motorcycle, piling up. Molly had let the motorcycle tip and fall, leaving a visible bump on the rear.
"Don't worry about my bike, it's okay." I patted her back. Her tears soaked my shirt.
"I'm… I'm so sorry…!" She sniffled. My arms wrapped around her. "I know how much you loved it… I never should have asked to ride it!"
"You aren't hurt, right?" I ask, checking her face for any wounds.
"My arm hurts…" I take a look at her arm and exhale a sigh of relief. She hadn't hurt herself too bad.
"Just a scratch… That's good." I check for any infection. But nothing could be found.
"Thank you, Noah… You care too much sometimes and it makes me feel bad." She smiles dimly. I hug her softly.
"Molly, I could never care too much when it comes to you." I state because I knew it was true. She smiles. "Well, we probably should follow the rules more, or else we may end up more wrecked than this bike." I comment. She laughed and her cheeks were still visibly puffy from all her crying.
—
"Here, we are home now. Happy?" Leon says. I give him a thumbs up. "Wanna play on your Gaming Station?"
"Not in the mood." I rub my temples. He sighs but gives me a quick nod. We head to the couch and rest our heads. The fan wires and the faint hum fills the room. The sweat runs down my face and I lie restlessly in agony. We both are left waiting for something to happen.
"Do you want me to leave you alone?" He asks, sitting up. I turn around, facing him.
"I guess that wouldn't be the worst idea. I need to take a shower and stuff anyways." I mutter. He nods.
—
The last semester of 9th grade flashed before my eyes. I spot Molly and immediately tap her shoulder. She tenses up. "You've been avoiding me." I state. She freezes and her eyes don't meet mine.
"I haven't tried to," she says. I stand there, my eyes look at the ground like it'll distract me.
"Do you even care anymore? About our relationship?" I ask. My fists roll up and my voice seems faint in concern.
"I do. I really do, Noah. Why would you ask that?"
"You don't smile when I am around anymore!" I speak out immediately. Her eyes finally lock with mine like it'll change something. I don't know if it does. She hugs me before leaving.
—
I lay on my bed, staring at the stars. The air presses down on my shoulders, heavy and still. Grief doesn't care about the bad times. I know that because after everything she's done to me and my heart, I still wish I could hold her in my arms again. Maybe that's wrong. Maybe people would call it foolish. But I just need that tiny flicker of hope to get through the night.
The pebble remains gone, lost like the last remaining pieces of my heart. The cast of heartbreak struck again, sharp like a knife, enough to make anyone scream. But I don't, I can't. I am stronger than that. I felt the weight of what I'd let slip through my fingers. My hope, my strength.
—
My world changed for gold for one of the last times. The warm cast of summer lingered as the school bell rang for one of the last times this season.
"Hey, man," Leon started, his words tightened in his throat as if he was trying to gather the words. "Your girl's been talking bad about you. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but —"
"What…?" I cut him short. The pieces fell into place, and my cheeks grew hot and my saliva was trapped in my throat. I knew something was going on, it all made sense. I should go to Molly, ask her. But all I saw were lies and lies and lies… Words failed me. I couldn't stop the sting in my chest, my vision blurred, my heart stung.
The world revolved as usual for the rest of the day, oblivious to my inner turmoil. How could such a horrible moment happen to me with no reaction from anyone else?
—
"Wake up, wake up," someone says, "we get you are tired on your first day back at school but this is 10th grade! You can't be sleeping in class, we are in the prime of highschool!" I snap back into reality. Leon was waving his palm in my face.
"Okay, okay. I get it. Don't need to be so annoying…" I sigh, spinning my pencil in my hand. My teacher, introduced to us as Ms. P, was muted over the sound of over contemplation.
"It has been 10 weeks. You aren't over her?" He asks. I shake my head. He nods. "That's alright. Y'know, you don't need to think of someone like that. She talked bad about her own boyfriend." I nod. But, although I try, she was the center of attention in my life and she is unforgettable to me.
—
Before summer had ended the school year, I ignored Molly. I wanted her to feel what I felt. She started leaving notes in my locker and trying to catch me in the halls. I walk away, distance myself, throw away the notes. She had never loved me. She had used me. She was never my lover.
I decided to call her after 5 weeks, it was the last day of school. "Molly?" i start
"Oh, I'm so hap?py you called." She says, using the same voice that used to give me hope.
"You don't have to lie."
"Wha-"
I cut her off, "I want to break up with you." And just like that, I hang up. Why did it have to end this way…? I ask myself, but I didn't get a response. I never will. I wait for relief, a sign of joy. But I felt a sting in my chest. Why?
—
My memories had met an abrupt pause. I was back in the present. I had no more to rely on. I was stuck with the sound of squeaking sneakers, cheap cologne, showerless nights, chalk on a chalkboard, and the sound of laughter. But none of it felt real anymore. I had memories that I knew I could never forget and those were real.
I had been paired up with one of Molly's good friends. We had met up at her house to complete the project.
"What happened with you and Molly? Y'know, she was really sad when you broke up with her like that. And the fact that I am mad at you and am still asking you about this makes me a nice person, so just know that!" She yells. I think about what to say. I don't know why she wouldn't know.
"She was talking bad about me, the whole relationship. Wouldn't you know? You are her friend. She tells you everything." I responded. She pauses, thinks. I am left wondering what she could possibly be thinking about it.
"Noah, you don't understand. She would never do something like that to you. She really liked you. Who even told you that?" She responds. My confusion is replaced with even more confusion.
"Leon. I got it from Leon. He wouldn't lie to me. We are homies." She mutters something under her breath, covering her face, embarrassed for me.
"This is what's wrong with guys. You trust too easily! Do you even know your girlfriend of two years? She loves you so much." I nod, I should've asked her straight up. Why didn't I? Dang it, Noah… I say in my head.
"I think I have to go." I say, I feel my stomach rise again. Like the same way I 'found out' Molly had been talking bad about me. She nods and waves me goodbye, she understood what had to be done. There was no focus on anything around me. I had to talk to Leon.
I showed up at Leon's basketball practice. He spots me and walks up to me.
"What's up, my man?" He tries to fist-bump me. I don't comply.
"Don't 'man' me. I know what you did."
"'What I did'? I've done a lot of things."
"Don't play dumb. I won't fall for that any more!" I exhale before continuing. "You lied to me. You told me she was talking bad about me."
"Oh, yeah. That. I just thought it'd be fun." He chuckled.
"You ruined my relationship? For fun? I thought you were my friend! After all this?!"
"Look, I'm sorry for that or whatever. But that wasn't my fault."
"'Wasn't your fault'? You're exactly why I broke up with her."
"Take a chill pill, see you when you calm down." He laughs it off like it was all a joke. I wanted to hit him, to curse at him and yell at him. But my lips remain stuck together, unable to move.
My head heats up and my heart rate speeds. I needed to talk to Molly, to explain, to tell her I didn't mean it. To tell her I still loved her, To tell her she has always been the center of my world.
But as the doorbell rang, silence lingered, I realized– she wasn't always home. So I set off home, determined to ring that doorbell. But little did I know, it was too late.
"15 year old Molly Travez died last night after a mishap involving underage driving and misread road signs." the radio continued. She didn't make it home that night.
Part 2: Goodbye Molly
Her grave aged with her. It's funny what three years can do to something. The cemetery was calm today. A sort of calm that carries dead petals away like a habit. Molly's picture lay still, untouched by everyone but nature. That fall I hadn't attended her funeral. I hadn't intended to. I didn't deserve to. And I knew it the second the radio sounded her name for the last time.
I replaced the flowers, cleaned the leaves off her grave, and sat next to her like she was there. The silence broke as I felt the tap of my shoulder.
"Hey, sorry to bother you but… do I know you by any chance?" I turn around.
A girl stood there, hands glued to her jean pockets.
"I'm Arielle. I'm in Calculus 1." She introduces herself.
"Hi. Noah." I introduce myself before shaking her hand back. She nods. "I haven't seen you before but you have the right guy."
"Noah's a cool name. It means 'rest' or 'comfort'. A Hebrew root."
"English major?" I ask. She chuckles.
"You caught me." She raises her hands in the air as if she surrendered to my revelation. "Well, is this young man interested in ice cream?"
"Are you asking me out?" I ask. I shake my head. "Not looking for that right now." Molly was still alive, in my heart even after all these years. She would want me to move on but I just can't.
"Oh, no problem then. We can just go out as friends if that's fine."
"I actually… don't do ice cream." I responded. I feel haunted by Molly as if she is watching me whenever ice cream is mentioned.
"Allergic?"
"No, personal reasons." I responded. She nods. The silence fills the space between us. My fists clench.
"Does it have to do with that girl's grave you have been staring at for the past hour?" She asks, trying to fill the silence quickly. My throat tightens.
"No." I lied. "I'm just not over my last relationship. I don't wanna do that to someone else."
"Y'know, if someone wants to date you. They want to date you. And no one wants someone perfect."
"No, I mean, I just don't think I'd want to date someone while not being over my last relationship." I corrected her. "But anyways, I'll take you up on that hang out." I feel watched again. I'm sorry, Molly… I say in my mind like ice cream did something wrong.
"Thought you'd never." She smiles, but she doesn't see past my eyes.
The sun peered through the window as if it was trying to target my ice cream.
"You gonna eat that?" She asks. I look up. Lemon ice cream drips down the sides of my cone, reaching my hand as if it was pleading for me to eat it. I don't respond.
"You sure you don't know me?" I ask. She looks up.
"No, of course I don't. I've only seen you around campus and you sit three rows in front of me in Calculus." She continues eating her ice cream. I end up not touching the ice cream.
After a few minutes of silence she finishes her ice cream. "I'm gonna start heading out. See you on campus maybe?" She turns to leave.
"Wait." I ask. She swivels her head around. "Why were you at that cemetery?"
"My mom. She died when I was twelve…" She pauses, a hurt expression crosses her face. She knew what it was like to lose someone special, just like me.
The air hugged my body. But, I still felt free. The scent of untouched lemon ice cream lingered on my hand. Is this what Molly felt during her last moments? Free? But, I remember. She wasn't free. She was hurt by the person she needed most.
The air flew, my mind focused. My music sounded echoing through my ears, the city lights blurred in the dark night sky.
I saw her in class the next day. Sitting a couple rows behind me. We waved at each other in between classes.
Everyone I talk to doesn't know who she is. But no one knows anyone. It is a big school, so you can't blame anyone.
Time passed into the summer again. I had started distancing and focusing on studies. I wasn't sure about being a doctor. I was halfway through and I loved it. But – my job could never be fully enjoyable without Molly.
"Noah, it's been a while. Do you want to meet up?" She asks through text.
"I can do something. What are you thinking?" I ask, responding.
"I feel like seeing the stars tonight."
"Do you want me to pick you up?" I ask
"Sure, I want to go to a specific place if that is fine though."
"I'm fine with that. I'll pick you up." I reply. She sends me a thumbs up.
The night passes slowly as I pick her up. She was in a blue dress. Not fancy, but not minimalist. Her hair was tied in a tight bun. Her freckles were more visible at night; they suited her. After getting to the pond, she hands me my pebble. My eyes widen but she doesn't turn to me so I don't say anything. I hold it in my hands and let out a deep sigh.
I was starting to feel that Molly was less of a loss and more as a memory. I was about to drop my coin into the pond but I grabbed my pebble instead.
"Goodbye, Molly…" I say out loud for the first time, but that feeling was strong and real as I tossed the pebble in the water. A weight got lifted off my chest as the pebble skipped across the pond. I feel Arielle smile in the corner of my eye but when I turn to where she once stood, no one was there. I realize now that, letting go didn't mean forgetting — it meant surviving.