The night is cold enough to sting your nose, your breath seeps from your mouth like a viscous cloud under the streetlight. The breeze pushes against you ever so softly as to remind you of where you are. You can hear the crashing of the waves more vividly as you grow closer to the origin of the sound step by step and as you creep upon the noise you pick your drooping head up and are enthralled by the landscape born before you as vast as the eye can see. The wind picks up and swirls by your head, the cold specks of water in your hair splash against your face as you listen to the beautiful call of the ocean, the beautiful artistic waves singing to you a melody that could never be sung again. And ever so vividly you can hear her voice once again sing to you a song that would forever be held in your heart. You fall to your knees in anguish of what you have forsaken, what you have loved and who you have lost, forever chasing after her memories as the moon chases the sun encapsulated by its ever glowing radiance.
Your voice begins to fill the air as you call for her one last time, just one last time to see her face, to tell her what you should have said, to be the man she needed you to be, to love her the way she deserved to be loved.
"AAAARRRRGHHHHHH" the noise floods your head and you can no longer hear the serenade of the waves, only the sound of your own torment.
Your eyes shoot open to be caressed so softly by the sun's morning kiss. Your eyes slowly drag across the room looking around at once joy filled ruins that are your memories screen across the wall. Posters, clothes… photos, it's become a prison of my own creation, of my own mistakes. You make your way out of bed, your joints and ligaments feel like they're turning over as you begin making your way to your bedroom door. Turning the door handle you swing open the door to be greeted by the hallway, you make your way downstairs and a familiar face greets you.
The sun fills the room, a bright light flooded your eyes, a strong smell of grease and sweet delights filled the air and the consistent clanking and clattering of dishware and metal clashing ringing through your head. A man who looked to be around 6,3 his skin was soft but certain areas were rough like sandpaper. It was your dad. A lightly skinned black man called out in a stern, light hearted, annoyed voice "come down and help me" . You rush down the stairs to see him cooking food. Your dad is standing there in front of a hot stove cooking for your entire family of 7 including parents. He sounds annoyed and like a coach, he asks you in a hurry to start getting all the food in order.
Once the food is passed out everyone goes to sit down at the coach, you pass by your three sisters, and your brother and sit by your parents. Your father begins to ask everyone how the pancakes tasted and to be honest, they were the best pancakes ive ever tasted. Fluffy yet crispy, perfectly golden and savory but sweet, in all honesty it felt like he put his whole heart into this. But before eating we always prayed to Jesus it was perfect. My dad waited patiently to hear everyone else in the room answer and we all said they tasted delicious, he always thought that he could make them even better though. And although your family lives so far away you all still make time to share in moments of bliss like this.
That feeling when the sun drifts through the sky like a feather, and as you begin to drift into a moment of bliss your vision gets blurry and as you close your eyes you reopen them only to be invited by an impending blue and listless atmosphere that haunts your home. Your mother a white woman shorter in stature, begins to look over to you.
She greets you as you walk closer and she says "It's late, how are you holding up?"
You reply that you're fine and make your way to the frontdoor, your mothers voice rings out "stay safe".
You say goodbye and leave walking through the street, the navy blue sky hangs low above your head as you keep in pace making your way down to the beach, the loose sand crunching beneath your feet.
And as you make your way through the sand there it is, the glistening water that flows so gracefully filling every crevice of the sand like the world was its oyster, bodies of water leaping over and hugging each other, and as the sun sits softly upon the horizon, the sun is covered by a mellowed grey and deeply blue cloudy skies with strips of a vibrant orange bursting through the silent colors.
As you approach the seaside you move towards the rockbed that sits so peacefully like a solemn kingless castle. You sit upon one of the boulders that don't have razor sharp mussels aligning it.
While you look upon your phone in glee you can't help but notice the sounds of the waves as they twirl only to crash and sizzle out. The waves sound like a symphony of calming retributions.
And as you listen to this beautiful rendition of sound you can't help but drift away into a sea of thought.
Nothing, it feels like nothing as you drift through memories as corroded as time forever reliving ordeals that change someone. you begin to ponder, what it would be like to fall in love, to be so overly involved with someone that, being without them hurt so deeply that you would lose sense of who you were. You begin to ponder what changes your life would have had if you were able to be with someone like her.
To be enveloped in a warmth my body would forever crave, to feel that soft smooth skin and stare so deeply into her forever tranquilizing eyes. To be a part of moments with her that would etch into your heart once more what it means to change. For someone to be able to give you strength that could give you just one more day as long as you got to see her face every night. The will to live just for her, to breathe her air and taste the sweetly bitter wine that is created from moments that you two shall forever share.
And as you continue to drift you find that the light that emanates through your eyelids has faded and it was just you and the empty world that god had painted to give us room for creation. And although you would love to stay forever in this moment the tide rises upon this once great castle of stone and leaves it reborn once again with life from the sea.
You pace your speed while walking to give room in your life for the simple beauty of the world that still amasses around you. And watch as the stars burn so brightly so as to try to guide your path along a ruined cliffside leading you to your home, a place where though we speak it still feels as though all of our hearts just can't seem to work right anymore as though they forgot what it felt like to.
You open the door to your home looking around to see nobody, an empty shell of what once was. But you just know that it's okay and everyone's going to be fine at the end of the day though you may not feel as though you know each other and though you don't know how to properly communicate with each other, at the final click of the last light in your house you find a little bit of solace in knowing that everyone is still there. And yet even in meager condition or confusion, a familial love will always feel like a long overdue embrace, one so cherished that those who have not known of it seek it in anything and anyone they find.
Your shadow lurks into your room bearing over your bed, black pillowy sheets welcome you and wrap around you like a sweet affirmation and you begin to drift away, to a land yet to be capitalized by man.
Its dark hints of a deep blue shine through as you swim your way to the top making your way to what looks like a picturesque painting of the sky. You emerge from beneath the water opening your eyes onto a scene as if you were a camera to what looks like you sitting there, looking into a glass room and for the first and last time screaming in a way that will forever haunt you.
The lights go out and you're left with nothing but that eerie silence and nothingness but no matter how you tried to scream no matter how you tried to break free, you just kept sinking in the tar that wrapped around your mouth, suffocating your voice, killing what once was your freedom.
Anything, anything you can do to stop it, you punch, kick, scream, but when that wasn't enough you resort to something unbecoming of your honor and you try to claw and bite and scream and tear yourself away from that void reaching for something just out of view, as if it were your everything. That beautiful light that once was yours, that light that encapsulates your mind, it is so far away yet when you stretch out your binded arm you find the light filling your world as it cracks through the darkness in a horizon.
You spring awake, eyes darting across the room as if looking for something. It's bright as the sun shines through precariously upon your room. Your room reeks of a nose curdling, barn house smell, but you don't notice because of how used to it you are. As if someone attached an anvil to your head you rotate it to the door, making your way and inevitably leaving your quiet space.
The sun shines through empty halls and echoed whispers can be heard from televisions and music. You make your way to the kitchen where you're greeted by your mother.
You two begin to chat as you begin making breakfast
"How are you dear?" she asks.
You respond in a groggy voice "I'm good, just tired and my head's been stinging a little."
Your mother begins to say "Well make sure to eat and drink tons of water, if you're going to leave the house make sure to stay safe it seems like it'll be dark soon, i love you".
And as you make your way to the door toast in hand, you say something "i love you mom, ill see you later"
As you pace yourself walking along the road eating your crispy toast you make your way to a familiar place on the ocean side. A humble rocky abode.
As you take a seat upon a once abandoned throne a smell begins to creep its way around, filling the entire area with a vulgar nose curdling pungent aroma. But the origins of the aroma comes from you, the fog of smoke covers your face and dissipates into the haze of the sea. And as the waves crash you begin to sing to your long lost lover and when you get just high enough and sing just long enough, like the abyss that you stare into so shall it view into you. A beautiful angelic voice can be heard among the waves as if it were floating along, crashing, turning and pouring more and more beautiful melodies that play at your heart strings.
And simply being able to listen to this symphony was enough. But how long would that last?
And as the waves crash, she speaks telling you of how much you used to shine, telling you of how amazing you were, before all of this happened, before your dad died, before you began taking drugs, before you were imperfect.
And you proclaimed "if I changed, if I did everything right and if I was the man that you dreamed of me being at least once, could I see you at least once?"
The waves crash but there is no answer.
But once again you shout "if I were to give it all up, please i just want to see you, to hold your hand, kiss your neck and be with the only woman that i have ever loved, please. My heart may belong to another in time but it will always yearn for your song. Would you give me that right? That honour to be at your side? It's the only thing that I pray for anymore".
But there was no response, no melody, only the silence that followed.
All that's left is you and the sea but was there ever anything more?
As you make your way home, you can barely lift your feet, you're tired, tired of being without her. She made you feel something, something you hadn't felt in so long, that warmth that enveloped you, that song that taught you how to be better. If there was even a sliver of a chance that you could see her. That you could heal in her presence, you would take it. You reach into your pocket taking a glass pipe and smashing it into the ground and just like before you drag your feet slowly, making your way back home.
You return to your home absent minded, you head upstairs to rest. Opening your door to your room you make your way to your bed falling onto it. And as you begin to get comfortable in bed you slowly drift off into a world of your creation.
You fall asleep and open your eyes to see your room, the same as usual your curtains flow gracefully and a bright light shines through the shades. And as you lay there staring at the window you can hear her voice calling you enticing you to be at her side.
Her voice is so sweet, so sultry, and so very relaxing you lift your arm feeling the warmth of the sunlight grow as you reach closer only to wake up. The sunlight shines as precariously as usual and there is a silence that not even the scratching of a mouse dares ruin.
But the moment only lasts so long as the birds break the silence with a chirp. The world stands still for nobody so should you sit still in bed for the world to change. You spring up and make your way downstairs greeting your mother sweetly "good morning mom how are you."
She replies "im alright just tired from work, my nails are getting longer though, have you seen the clippers?"
You respond "yeah, they're in my drawer ill get them for you".
You rush up the stairs, swing open your door and pull the drawer of your desk to see the nail clippers, a few miscellaneous items and a small pouch, you already know what it contains. But you dare not touch it.
Running downstairs you see your mother bringing her the nail clippers and make your way to the front door.
As you are about to leave your mother yells "love you, bye"
And of course you respond the same
As you begin walking down the road you begin to think why your family always says i love you before they leave. There's many reasons why but at the end of the day your reason is clear to you, it's because nobody should leave a conversation without knowing that they are loved and that it's best to say it in case you don't end up seeing them again.
You make your way to the same old ruins you call paradise and you lay along the rockbed humming a tune and listening to the sound of the waves.
But your thoughts won't leave you alone, you keep thinking about how much better the moment would be if you could smoke, you think about how much more relaxed you would be, you think since its not a priority i can just smoke again, but since i said i wouldn't then i wont as long as i can see her today. But as time goes on and as you sing for her hoping that her voice would echo back, you find that the only sound is that of the sea and that of passerby.
It's lonely, but as long as you don't smoke you can still see her, if only just once. It's dark out you've been singing all day and throughout the night but still there's no song that greets you.
Returning home you trudge along returning to your bed but when you look to your side you see your drawer, as if it were highlighted. Standing up you walk over to the drawer, opening it you see the bag.
Your mother begins to smell something pungent from downstairs and already knows what you're doing, she returns to her own business and pays you no mind.
All you can think about is how long it's been since you've smoked, since you've heard her voice, since you've felt alive like when she sang for you.
A tear begins to roll down your cheek as you lay there, knowing that you couldn't fulfill your promise to your one true love.
Holding your hand out you drop a bag into the trash can and begin making your way to the door.
Removing yourself from the premises you continue down the path you've walked for days, for months, years even, walking to the same opera of her song. It's been so long since I've heard her voice, my beautiful addiction.
And yet there's nothing, no matter how long you wait no matter how much you sing for her there's nothing.
An onslaught of misery washes over you, anger from the fact that you feel led on, worry for what would you be without her grace, and depression knowing that you never got to see her.
You rush home in a blur running as if the world could catch you if you made even one mistake. Swinging open the front door and closing it promptly, ignoring your surroundings, ignoring your feelings, ignoring any proper judgement you could find in your heart.
A feeling began to rise in your chest like you've never felt before, it hurts so bad, it's uncomfortable and it feels like it has been laid bare before the world to see the misfortune that has befallen your soul.
Your bedroom door remains open as you lay on your stomach on your bed idly reminiscing about everything she's told you. When will I see her return?
You throw yourself onto your back staring at the ceiling, your chest is burning, cramping almost. And a piercing pain is shot through your heart, your head hurts, it's foggy and you can't think straight as a soaring headache develops encapsulating your every thought besides one, her.
But there's something that you know can make the pain go away, there's something that you know can make you feel better, it may not be her but how can a love that was never fully realized be better than a love who's been there for you, right?
You sit up and move to a bin next to your desk, rummaging through it you find something that can take all of your pain away. And as you sit there staring blankly at something that could take your attention like she did you can feel yourself reaching for a bag in the trash bin.
As smoke fills your lungs you feel a sense of euphoria rush over you, your eyes grow increasingly red as you take one puff after another, masking your feelings so that you won't have to experience them. But how long will you hide from the pain that was meant to help you grow.
You knew, you knew what you had done, and as you got up moving yourself to a door across from yours you opened it to see a mirror. And looking into it you realize how far you have fallen and how long you have run, all you see in the mirror is a coward of a once proud man. To be gifted with the face of your father and to disgrace it so. You know that even if you had met her, you wouldn't have been able to look her in the eyes.
How long would you smoke to dream of her, how long would you trap yourself in a cage just so that you might be able to see her just once.
Or would you say just one more time like always. Always just once more, just one more try, just one more.
Your eyelids feel heavy as you lift one weighted leg after another to your bed.
Passing out as soon as you fall. Just as always, never being comprehensive enough to watch as you fall from grace.
Days went by, nights were the worst. Because you needed her to do even the simple things, it hurt to be alive without her. Time may heal old wounds, people say, but in reality all that's left are scars that, if done right, can become a beautiful garden that grew from the soil.
You pass out, unbecoming of the once proud man you were, you lay in your pillow infested mattress drifting solemnly thinking about your life passing you by, like sand the more you tried to hold it together the more the cracks and crevices would show. So why try at all?
You don't dream that night, it's peaceful once again and yet so lonely. The only thing you can see when you close your eyes now is the darkness that was there from the beginning.
You can smell the dust in the air, how long has it been since you last opened your window? The blinds are draped shut and your room is hidden from the sun, hidden from everything that could see your exposed heart.
Your room has a comforting tint of blue filling every corner and crevice. You watch as the blue light slowly fades away leaving you alone with your thoughts. You decide to stand up, moving towards the window you open it to feel a cool welcoming breeze, the drapes sway slowly in the wind and you find yourself lost in thought.
You head downstairs to see your mother making breakfast. She overhears you coming downstairs and says "good morning sweetheart."
You reply "good morning" in a monotone voice
Your mother notices this and questions your tone "are you okay honey?"
You respond raising your pitch slightly so as to sound happier "im okay, just stressed i guess"
Your mother replies "with what?"
"Well there's this girl I really liked but, I didn't get her name and I really wish that I could see her, but I can't find her anymore" you respond.
In a softer tone your mother says "well, sometimes it doesn't work out and sometimes we don't always get what we want, however when you set your sights on the tree you forget the forest"
"And that means what? That im supposed to just go find another" you sigh
"No, but im sure youll understand in time" she replies
Noticing you staring down at the table as she turns around to plate the food she says "why dont you go down to the shoreline, I know that's what always made you feel better".
You stand up and make your way to the door while saying "actually, thats a good idea, I love you ill see you later"
She responds in kind as you walk through the door.
As per usual your shoes crunch the gravel beneath your sole, it's bright out. Looking around you finally notice the stores, markets, restaurants and homes lining the path. Trees guide you and streetlights assist them.
People walking by unaffected by your presence, dogs being walked on leashes and shops hustling and bustling as per usual.
The road guides you as intended and you find yourself face to face with the sea once again. Boats cruise by, seagulls fly overhead scouring for their next meal, and the shore washes up to you sizzling away as it approaches.
You begin making your way down the shoreline. Up ahead you notice a hill of rocks waiting for you. It's a place with nothing to offer but a seat and a view. And yet it's one of your favorites, a place of solitude, refreshing yet still as if everything stayed stagnant when you were there.
And for the first time in a long time, you walk past the castle leaving behind an empire built of stone and moss.
It's the first time in a long time, since you crossed the boundaries that you made for yourself. Its the first time in a long time that you've thought to yourself "why, why does nothing change?"
But little do you know that everything changes all the time. The sand blows in the wind, the water carries new discoveries to the curious. And you grow, and change from the man you were the day before.
You pace yourself once again, walking along the shore. Feeling the mist of the waves sprits your face. Hearing the thundering crash of your surroundings. Smelling the salt in the mist as it fills your lungs and begins forming in your saliva. And finally, the view. An overgrown castle disappearing after each step, a pier standing proudly among the ensnaring sea as businesses line its walkway.
As you approach the structure you begin to realize the scale of this pier as it stretches into a misty fog, blocking any further details. The end of the pier hangs hazily in your memory. times when you were a child fishing and casting nets into the water, only to catch nothing. Time spent so sweetly with your family, with your father. Your steps line the sand creating a path to you as it vanishes with each wave.
You make your way to the pier's entrance and an archway invites you in as it reads, "welcome, to the place of beginnings".
You remember this sign when it was used as the first pier restaurants sign. The restaurant was beautiful, it was at least before the wooden interior caught fire. Burning everything and everyone who couldn't make it out. And now remnants of the fire remain etched forever as a memory filled with pain and regret for all who changed that day.
But no matter how long you haunt yourself of the past, nothing will change it, not even your guilt. A feeling of remorse washes over you as claw at your own skin. You continue walking down the pier noticing the joy washing over the faces of many as they happily walk along the wooden flooring. You make your way to the halfway point of the pier, still unable to see the end you lean along the side railing. The railing is made of wood and steel, sturdy and aesthetically pleasing to the eye. Looking out into the distance fog continues to roll through as it begins to cover the town in a hazy mist. Looking down you see the ocean as it crashes into the pillars of wood that have been dug deep into the earth sea life covering them, trying to survive, trying to do the only thing they know how to.
You continue down the pier, itching from the inside. Feeling as though it might have been too much for you, feeling as though you went far enough.
You begin to turn around as someone begins to emerge from the fog heavily covering the end of the pier. It's a familiar face, one that you haven't seen in years.
Her name was Lily, she had smooth, milky, white skin. Her hair sat perfectly on her shoulders as it glistened even in the fog, it was like silk and as white as the snow covering your cold, cold heart.
She approached you, eyes lighting up as a smile grew on her face. As she made her way closer, you couldn't even look her in the eyes, ashamed at who you became over the years of heartache.
She stood before you, towering like a giant looking at an ant. You felt miniscule in front of her.
You watched her as she spoke from her cherry red lips "oh my gosh hey kane, I haven't seen you since the fire"
You looked down in anticipation and pain at what she was about to say reminding you of the past.
Her smile faded away as she remembered what happened, flustered at what she had just said lily said "sorry, I forgot I know it must be hard for you to be here, especially after the accident"
Your eyes dragging to match her gaze you reply "yeah it's hard to be here but, I can't avoid it forever, can I?"
She responds "exactly, how about you join me at the end of the pier i was just about to return after grabbing my bag from my car, ill meet you there"
You answer "sounds good, ill see you there then"
You two cross paths as she makes her way to the beginning of the pier and you make your way to the end.
The fog covers your path yet you continue one step at a time toward your destination. It's hard to see but you finally find a seating area that is located at the edge. Staring not far out into the distance you can hear the wailing of fog horns, soon after a bright light begins shining through the fog, bright enough that any ship can find its way home.
A familiar voice can be heard as well, it's lily as she walks towards you, you call for her so that she can find her way. Docking herself right next to you as she approaches. As she sits down next to you she begins to lean in closer.
Flustered you say "I don't think you should be sitting so close to me, i smell especially my breath"
She smiles gleefully "i dont care about that, i spend my time here usually and it smells like rotten fish"
She once again speaks "look out there, isn't it beautiful?"
You respond by questioning her idea of beauty "what do you mean? You can't see anything in this fog though"
Lily answers "exactly even the fog is beautiful when your by the sea, just try to see it from a different perspective"
You sit there looking out into the particles of water being carried by the gentle breeze. And you think to yourself maybe the fog isn't so bad after all.
You two sit in silence as the fog begins to lift and dissipate from the pier and the scene that unfolds before you is unlike anything you've ever seen.
The horizon meets the two of your eyes covering your faces with a hue of brilliant light. You don't notice the sun because you're too busy staring at her. And as she takes her attention away from the beauty that encapsulates the heart of many, she begins to look at you.
Staring into each others eyes, you say "you know, I missed when it was just us when we used to hangout over here all the time"
She responds softly "I do too, now shut up and enjoy the view" as she takes your chin to turn your head towards the second most beautiful view around.
Clouds line the sky overlapping one another as the unimaginable color of pinkish orange fills the sky. the sun slowly lowering itself out of view along the horizon, sparkling as it falls just like icarus, beautiful. As the sun falls a light blue followed by a deep navy blue fills the sky from behind you both.
The sun finally sets just as the moon finally begins to rise from the ashes. Light poles lining the pier begin to turn on and you both sit there empty minded, taking in the radiant beauty of the sea.
Stars begin to shine brighter than ever before, even more than when you sat in your solemn kingdom of stone.
They sparkle like the jewels of a crown on a queen, who just so happens to be sitting next to you. Her smile is like the most beautiful pearl necklace. And her eyes, her eyes are a deep green like that of the forest, the deeper you go the more lost you find yourself, entranced.
Hypnotized by her radiance you find yourself staring at her. And as you're unable to look away she says "so are you gonna put your arm around me or what?"
While you're too flustered to react, she takes your arm and wraps it around herself leaning closer than before. You can feel your heart pounding out of your chest it thumps so hard that even she can feel it, but you can feel hers too. And as you too sit there, even if it's just for a moment, like many others have said before time begins to slow down as your mind records the most important moment of your life.
As your hearts begin to beat in rhythm with one another you ask "is it okay if i kiss you right now?"
She retorts annoyed "your not supposed to ask that"
You lean in closer, slowly approaching her lips the color of roses. And finally you kissed her, her lips were as soft as pillows and as tasty and sweet as wine, a wine that you could savor and enjoy for the rest of your life, drinking it slowly and passionately.
You finally disconnect yourself from her. As you both open your eyes you're unable to look away, they sparkle more than the most beautiful emeralds like a deep greenish blue sea she washes over your every thought. And you find yourself once again lost. No, a better term would be that you're hypnotized, unable to think for yourself. As if the fog filled your brain leaving you incapable of anything but loving her.
A smirk begins to grow on Lily's face as her cheeks redden. And she proclaims proudly "perfect, now you belong to me, and me and alone"
You survey "and would that mean that I can see you again?"
Lily laughs "no duh, you dummy obviously you get to see me again"
Commenting back you say "then nothing, would make me happier than to see you again"
You both smile, cheeks red and warm, noses stinging and cold, eyes fluttering and darting at what one another shall say next. But sadly all things shall come to an end.
She stands up brushing herself off and grabbing her bag while saying well really demanding "ill be seeing you here tomorrow"
And you in a entranced voice say "ill be here before the sun sets"
She retorts "no you'll be here as the sun rises"
In a comforting voice you say "I love a woman who always demands what she wants, and that's fine by me my queen"
You walk Lily back to her car and you both exchange contact information before inevitably, parting ways. As you watch her get in her and drive away you realize that nobody has said your name in a long time, it felt good.