CUT TO: INT. PADDY'S PUB — THE NEXT DAY
MAC is holding a document they recovered from the McPoyle basement.
MAC
I don't know, Charlie! It's like Chinese or Japanese or something it's all... it's all symbols! It looks like a bunch of houses and sticks! If this is the "Milk Deed," we can't prove anything!
CHARLIE(snatching it)
Move. Let me see that.
Charlie squints, tracing the characters with a single grimy finger.
CHARLIE
Okay, yeah. This says "Danger." This says "Man with a Big Hat." And this one here... this is a "Small Room for Pooping."
MAC (pauses, stunned)
...How? How are you doing that? You can't even read the 'Closed' sign on the front door!
CHARLIE
Alphabet's hard, Mac! It's too many lines! But this? This is basically pictures. And I know what a picture looks like! I'm an artist! I'm looking at the picture and I'm saying the word!
MAC (screaming, veins popping)
THAT'S WHAT READING IS! THAT'S LITERALLY THE DEFINITION OF READING! YOU'RE JUST DOING IT IN A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE!
CHARLIE(shrugging)
Agree to disagree, man. I'm just looking at the sticks and the houses.
CUT TO: INT. FRANK'S OFFICE – LATER THAT DAY
The office is dirty as always. Frank and Charlie sit next to one another in foldout chairs. Frank is holding a plastic bag full of milk. Dennis is leaning in the doorway.
DENNIS
Well, this is definitely one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen and that's saying something for you Frank.
Frank rolls his eyes.
FRANK
It ain't mine kid, it's the McPoyle's: Charlie found it in their basement.
CHARLIE (bad Canadian accent)
Bag of milk, eh?
FRANK(smiling)
Yeah. Yeah, you did good, kid. But this McPoyle deed-
His smile fades and he shakes his head.
FRANK
-was a forgery. They wrote it in dry milk. It melted as soon as I put it under the desk lamp.
Frank's face freezes in horror as he has a sudden realization:
FRANK (looking toward the bar)
Wait. Where's the safe?
They move out into the bar.
FRANK
THE SAFE! THEY TOOK ALL OUR FUCKING MONEY!
CHARLIE
AHHHHH! THE BEER IS GONE TOO!
Dennis starts hyperventilating.
DENNIS (pulling at his hair)
They took the safe?
Literally rips a clump of hair out.
DENNIS
THEY TOOK THE UMBILICAL CORD TO MY SECURITY, FRANK! WE ARE VULNERABLE!
Dennis looks at the hair in his hand.
Charlie looks at it.
Frank looks: touches his own bald head.
Dennis and Charlie scream.
CUT TO: EXT. ALLEY — NIGHT
The bar is a tomb. The only light comes from the streetlamp outside, filtering through the dust-clogged hole in Wall Maria. The shelves behind the bar are skeletal, stripped of everything of value.
The Gang is slumped around a single table. They are covered in dried milk, gray dust, and the shame of a total defeat.
FADE OUT.
CUT TO: INT. PADDY'S PUB — NIGHT CONT.
DEE(staring into the darkness) So... that's it. We have no safe, no beer, no customers, and a literal gaping wound in the side of the building.
MAC
We have the land, Dee. We're landowners. That's... that's what the pioneers had.
DENNIS
The pioneers had cattle and purpose, Mac. We have a hole that's currently letting in a draft of pure alley-stink.
CHARLIE (frowning)
If only I found the treasure...
Mac blinks, then stares at Charlie.
MAC
The- the treasure? Charlie. That was an an-
He stops himself: looking directly at Dennis, who is staring at him directly in his soul.
MAC
Annotated map of public restrooms in downtown.
Mac nods, agreeing with himself.
DENNIS
I don't want to know why, nor do I care, why you had a map of disgusting holes in Philly.
Charlie opens his mouth, as if he is going to explain exactly that.
Dennis puts his finger up.
FRANK(thumping a green bottle onto the table)
Stop whining. I found a survivor.
CHARLIE(squinting at the label)
Is that gin?
FRANK
It's Jäger. Found it behind the radiator in the office. It was wedged against a dead pigeon. It's warm, it's thick, and it's mostly licorice.
DENNIS(disgusted)
Jäger? That's not a drink, Frank. That's a punishment for people who didn't get into better colleges.
MAC(taking the bottle, staring at the name)
Jäger... wait. Jäger. Like... Yeager?
The Gang stills for a half-second.
DENNIS(narrowing his eyes) W
hat are you talking about?
MAC
You know... the hero. The guy who broke the sound barrier? Chuck Yeager? I feel like we're like him. We're pioneers of... of structural integrity.
DENNIS(snatching the bottle back, taking a swig and grimacing)
It's a brand of German digestive, you idiots. It's not a title. It tastes like a cough drop dipped in a sewer.
DEE
Well, it's all we've got. Pass the Yeager, or whatever it is. I need emotional calories.
CHARLIE
Grief bacon.
They all turn to him except Frank, who is furiously swiping at his phone with his greasy fingers, scrolling through contacts.
DEE
Where do you get grief bacon?
CHARLIE
Funerals.
Dee nods as if that makes perfect sense..
CHARLIE
Probably.
Frank ignores her, swiping at his phone with greasy fingers, his face illuminated by the harsh blue light of the screen. He stops scrolling. The name on the screen is FRENCHIE.
DENNIS
So, what's the plan, Frank?
FRANK(eyes cold)
Forget the wall. Forget the milk. I'm calling a guy I used to run with back in the eighties. Fast hands. Red jacket. Knows how to get into places that don't want him there.
DENNIS
A ringer?
FRANK
The best.
CHARLIE
Is he a wizard?
FRANK
He's a thief, Charlie. A professional.
DENNIS(leaning back, a slow, predatory smile returning)
Good. Because the McPoyles took the umbilical cord to my security... and I want to see them bleed for it.
CHARLIE (disgusted)
Please stop saying that, dude.
FRANK
He'll be here by morning.
FRANK (eyes lowered)
We're gonna get our shit back.
CUT TO BLACK. ROLL CREDITS.