Falling through a portal is disorienting. Falling through a portal sponsored by a cable network is also loud.
Elara Vance hit the ground hard. It was sand. She coughed, waving away a cloud of dust.
"Welcome," a voice boomed, "to the Truth."
Elara looked up. She was in the Colosseum. But it wasn't the ruin she knew from postcards. It was pristine, gleaming with white marble.
However, floating above the arena was not the Italian sun. It was a massive, spinning UFO. And the Emperor's box was occupied by a panel of judges wearing tin-foil togas.
"Where are we?" Li Wusheng asked, standing up and brushing sand off his... tunic?
"We are in Rome," Aldren Vance gasped, horrified. He looked down at his own outfit. He was wearing a toga. Just a toga. And sandals.
"My calves!" Aldren shrieked, trying to pull the hem down. "They are exposed! This is undignified! I am a creature of velvet and layers! This is basically nudity!"
"It's breezy," Ignis noted. The dragon-man was also in a toga, but he had fashioned a laurel wreath out of leftover pizza crusts he found in his pocket. "I feel like a salad."
A man walked into the center of the arena. He had hair that defied gravity—it stood up in a wild, vertical explosion that suggested he had recently been electrocuted by a toaster. He wore a tweed jacket over a toga.
"I am Theorist Giorgio," the man announced, holding his hands up in a gesture that screamed aliens. "And you are here to prove the undeniable connection between the Roman Empire and... Extraterrestrials!"
"Aliens?" Elara asked, standing up. "We're in Rome. The Romans built this."
"Did they?" Giorgio leaned in, his eyes wide. "Or... was it ancient astronauts using anti-gravity lasers to cut the stone? Is it possible? The answer is... YES."
"No, it isn't," Aldren snapped. "The Romans used concrete, slave labor, and very efficient aqueducts. I know. My great-uncle was eaten by a lion here in 402 AD. It was a Tuesday."
"Cut!" Giorgio yelled. "You are ruining the narrative! We don't want facts! We want Mysteries!"
He pointed to a camera crew that was filming from the safety of a force field.
"This is 'Ancient Mysteries: The Reality Show'! To win your freedom, you must complete the Historical Reenactments! But with the real technology!"
"Real technology?" Li asked.
"Yes! The alien tech they hid from the history books!"
Challenge 1: The Pyramid Scheme
The floor of the Colosseum opened up. Rising from the sand was a pile of massive stone blocks and a blueprint for a Pyramid.
"Your task!" Giorgio shouted. "Build a Pyramid in under ten minutes! Using only... Psychic Levitation!"
"Psychic what?" Li looked at the blocks. They weighed five tons each.
"The ancients didn't use ropes!" Giorgio insisted. "They used their minds! Channel the cosmic frequency!"
Li Wusheng walked up to a block. He placed his hand on it.
"I am a Monk," Li said. "I channel Qi. Not... aliens."
"Same thing!" Giorgio waved his hand. "Qi is just alien Wi-Fi! Connect to the server!"
Li sighed. He looked at the block. He looked at the camera.
"I cannot levitate this," Li said. "Physics still applies, even on cable TV."
"Boring!" Giorgio yelled. "The ratings are dropping! Someone do something supernatural!"
"I got this," Ignis said.
The dragon-man waddled over. He didn't use psychic powers. He didn't use alien tech.
He used Dragon Strength.
"Hrrnnngh!" Ignis grunted, lifting the block. His biceps (which he had cultivated in the gym bro arc) bulged.
"Look!" Giorgio screamed. "He is using the anti-gravity nanobots in his blood! Proof of reptilian overlords!"
"I am not a reptilian overlord!" Ignis shouted, stacking the block. "I am a line cook! And this rock is heavy!"
"Reptilians confirmed!" Giorgio cheered. "Next block! Li, help him! Use your sonic screwdriver!"
"I do not have a sonic screwdriver!" Li yelled. "I have a trowel!"
Li used his trowel to apply mortar.
"Look at that precision!" Giorgio narrated. "Impossible for human hands! It must be laser-guided masonry!"
"It is called craftsmanship!" Li argued. "I went to trade school!"
In ten minutes, they built a small, lopsided pyramid.
"Magnificent," Giorgio wiped a tear from his eye. "Undeniable proof that Egyptians were actually Martians on vacation. Round 1 passed!"
Challenge 2: The Great Debate
"For the next round," Giorgio announced, "We will explore philosophy! We have summoned a great philosopher from the stars!"
A beam of light shot down from the UFO.
A figure descended. It was a classic Grey Alien. Big head, black eyes, skinny limbs. It wore a toga.
"This is Xorp," Giorgio introduced. "He taught Plato everything he knew."
"Greetings," Xorp beeped. "Take me to your leader. I desire... humus."
"Aldren!" Giorgio pointed to the vampire. "Debate him! Prove that human consciousness is a gift from the Sky People!"
Aldren adjusted his toga. He stepped forward.
"I refuse," Aldren sniffed. "This creature is clearly a puppet. I can see the zipper on his neck."
"It is a bio-suit!" Giorgio yelled. "Debate him!"
Xorp stepped forward. "Beep boop. Humans are primitive. Your architecture is square. Circles are superior. Beep."
Aldren's eye twitched.
"Square architecture is practical!" Aldren shouted. "Have you ever tried to put furniture in a round room? It is a nightmare! There are gaps everywhere!"
"Circles represent the cosmos," Xorp droned. "Triangles represent the power. Squares represent... squares."
"You are a philistine!" Aldren accused. "And your toga is polyester! The Romans used wool! If you were truly ancient, you would be itching right now!"
"I... uh..." Xorp stammered. "My skin is... silicone based?"
"Aha!" Aldren pointed a pale finger. "Silicone! You admit it! You are a prop!"
Aldren lunged. He grabbed Xorp's head.
YANK.
The alien mask popped off. Underneath was a sweaty intern named Steve.
"Ow!" Steve yelled. "I'm just an actor! I needed the credits for my SAG card!"
The audience (a hologram of Romans) gasped.
"Steve?" Giorgio gasped. "You... you were an alien five minutes ago! Did you shapeshift? Is this... INTERDIMENSIONAL SHAPESHIFTING?"
"No!" Aldren threw the mask down. "It is a costume! There are no aliens! The Romans were just people! They built things because they were bored and had a lot of rocks!"
"Lies!" Giorgio covered his ears. "The hair doesn't lie! Look at the hair!"
Challenge 3: The Cryptid Cage Match
"Enough talk!" Giorgio yelled. "The audience demands action! Bring out the Beast!"
A gate opened.
Out walked Bigfoot.
He was eight feet tall, covered in fur, and blurry. He literally vibrated so that he always looked out of focus.
"It is the Missing Link!" Giorgio screamed. "The Sasquatch! The Guardian of the Forest! Ignis! Fight him!"
Ignis looked at Bigfoot.
"Is he... meat?" Ignis asked.
"He is a mystery!" Giorgio said. "Defeat the mystery!"
Bigfoot roared. It sounded like a bear gargling a trombone.
Ignis sighed. "I am tired of fighting fake monsters."
He walked up to Bigfoot.
Bigfoot swiped a massive claw. Ignis caught it.
"You smell like..." Ignis sniffed. "...Old Spice?"
Bigfoot froze.
"And..." Ignis sniffed again. "...latex adhesive."
Ignis leaned in close. "Are you Steve's brother?"
Bigfoot stopped vibrating. "Uh. Yeah. I'm Dave."
"Dave," Ignis said. "This suit looks hot."
"It is," Dave/Bigfoot whispered. "I'm sweating like crazy in here. And the zipper is stuck."
Ignis turned to the camera.
"This is not a monster," Ignis announced. "This is Dave. He is dehydrated. Someone get this Sasquatch a Gatorade."
"No!" Giorgio screamed. "Don't humanize the cryptid! You're ruining the mystique!"
"The mystique smells like body odor!" Ignis roared. He grabbed the zipper on Bigfoot's chest.
ZZZZIP.
Ignis peeled the suit open. Dave stumbled out, wearing shorts and a tank top.
"Freedom!" Dave gasped. "Thank you, lizard man!"
"You're welcome," Ignis said. "Now, where is the catering?"
The Cancellation
The Colosseum fell silent.
The Pyramid was just rocks and mortar. The Alien was Steve. Bigfoot was Dave.
The illusion was shattered.
"You..." Giorgio fell to his knees, his hair deflating slightly. "You ruined it. You brought... logic... into the History Channel."
"History is logical," Elara said, stepping forward. "It's messy, and weird, and human. It doesn't need aliens to be interesting."
"But the ratings!" Giorgio wept. "Who will watch if there are no aliens? Who will buy the box sets?"
Suddenly, the sky turned red. A giant holographic message appeared above the UFO.
[SHOW CANCELLED][REASON: EDUCATIONAL INACCURACY][VIEWER RETENTION: 0%]
"Cancelled?" Giorgio gasped. "By the network? But... I have tenure!"
A beam of light shot down—not from the UFO, but from the Syndication Network.
Barry Bannington's face appeared on the jumbotron.
"Pull them out!" Barry yelled. "This show is a disaster! The demographic hates facts! They want sensation! We're pivoting!"
"Pivoting to what?" Elara shouted at the screen.
"We need drama!" Barry said. "We need high stakes! We need... Malpractice!"
"Malpractice?"
"Pack your bags, team!" Barry grinned. "You're going to Seattle Grace-Mercy-Doom Hospital!"
"A medical drama?" Aldren gasped. "I cannot be a doctor! I have cold hands!"
"You're not the doctor," Barry said. "You're the patient with the mysterious illness! And Elara... you're the overworked intern!"
A trapdoor opened beneath their feet (again).
"Wait!" Li yelled. "I haven't finished my pyramid!"
"Leave it!" Barry commanded. "We have surgery to perform!"
They fell into the darkness.
Behind them, Giorgio sat in the sand, weeping over a fake alien mask.
"It was aliens," he whispered to no one. "I know it was aliens."