Elara Vance woke up to the sound of seagulls. This was concerning, primarily because New Seattle was floating in a vacuum of infinite violet static where birds did not exist.
She rolled out of bed, grabbed her rolling pin (she really needed to fix that baguette), and marched up the stairs to the roof of the Meow & Bow.
She opened the door and was immediately blinded by a sun that was 20% brighter and 50% more yellow than a real sun.
"Cut!" a voice screamed. "Elara, darling! Where is the joy? Where is the effervescence?"
Barry "The Buzz" Bannington was sitting in a director's chair, wearing a floral shirt and holding a megaphone.
"The roof," Elara stammered, shielding her eyes. "What did you do to the roof?"
The gravel roof of the cafe was gone. In its place was a pristine, white sand beach. There were palm trees (plastic). There were beach umbrellas (branded). There was a swimming pool filled with sparkling blue water that defied the laws of structural engineering.
"It's the Beach Episode!" Barry cheered. "Every season needs one! It's crucial for character bonding and boosting the toy sales!"
He pointed to the rest of the team, who were already in position.
Aldren Vance was standing under an umbrella, looking miserable. He was not wearing swim trunks. He was wearing a full-body, black-and-white striped bathing costume from the 1920s.
"I feel ridiculous," Aldren hissed, clutching a parasol. "This fabric itches. And I am a creature of the night! This much UV radiation is insulting!"
Li Wusheng was standing by the pool. He was wearing a full deep-sea diving suit, complete with a brass helmet and oxygen tanks.
"Safety is paramount," Li's voice echoed from inside the helmet. "One never knows when a tsunami might strike."
Ignis was lying on a towel. He was wearing a Speedo. Just a Speedo. And sunglasses.
"I am tanning," Ignis announced, slapping his own belly. "The camera adds ten pounds, but the sun adds vitamin D. Also, Barry promised me a crab buffet."
"Alright, people!" Barry clapped his hands. "Positions! Elara, get into Wardrobe! We need you in the 'Reluctant Summer Fun' outfit!"
A swarm of Media Golems descended on Elara. They shoved her into a changing tent. Three minutes later, she emerged wearing a rash guard and board shorts.
"Modest," Barry frowned. "The demographic wanted a bikini, but legal said we need to keep the rating PG-13. Fine. Action!"
Scene 1: The Product Placement
"Okay, team!" Barry yelled. "We need to integrate the sponsor. Void-Fizz Energy Drink. It's radioactive, it's purple, and it paid for the sand! Action!"
The Camera-Heads zoomed in.
Aldren held up a can of glowing purple sludge. He looked at it with deep suspicion.
"Ah," Aldren read from the teleprompter drone. "Nothing beats the... refreshing taste of... Void-Fizz. It makes me feel... alive?"
He took a sip. He gagged.
"It tastes like static!" Aldren choked. "And... blueberries?"
"Cut!" Barry yelled. "Aldren, smile! You love the static! It's electrolytic! Li, you try!"
Li Wusheng clanked forward in his diving suit. He unscrewed his helmet faceplate. He poured the drink into the suit.
"I am absorbing the electrolytes via osmosis!" Li shouted. "My Qi is buzzing! I can see sounds!"
"Great energy!" Barry cheered. "Ignis, chug it!"
Ignis grabbed the can. He ate the can.
CRUNCH.
"Spicy," Ignis burped. A purple cloud drifted out of his mouth.
"Print it!" Barry said. "Moving on! Scene 2: Beach Volleyball!"
The Game
They set up a net in the middle of the sand.
"Okay," Barry directed. "This is the 'Team Bonding' montage. I want high fives. I want slow-motion diving. I want sexual tension between the leads!"
"Who are the leads?" Jen asked. She was wearing a lifeguard uniform and sitting in a high chair, blowing a whistle for no reason.
"Elara and Aldren, obviously," Barry said. "Vex, you're on the opposing team. Be seductive at the ball."
Vex (wearing a bikini made of black tape) saluted. "I will intimidate the sphere."
The game began.
It was a disaster.
Li Wusheng served the ball. "Iron Palm Serve!"
WHAM.
The ball exploded.
"Cut!" Barry screamed. "Li! Less power! We only have three beach balls!"
"I cannot suppress my power!" Li argued. "The ball was weak!"
"Reset!"
Take 2. Aldren served. He tossed the ball gently into the air.
"Fly, my spherical friend!" Aldren whispered.
The ball floated over the net. Ignis saw it coming. His dragon instincts kicked in.
"PREY!" Ignis roared.
He leaped. He caught the ball in his mouth.
POP.
"Ignis!" Elara yelled. "Stop eating the props!"
"It looked like a melon," Ignis mumbled, spitting out plastic.
"We're losing the light!" Barry panicked. "Skip the game! Go to the Water Scene! Elara, get in the pool! Aldren, get in the pool! Splash each other playfully!"
"I do not splash," Aldren stated. "I brood near bodies of water."
"Just get in!"
Elara waded into the pool. The water was cold. And... thick.
"Barry," Elara called out. "Where did you get this water?"
"Oh, we pumped it in from the Void Ocean," Barry said, checking his phone. "Filtered it, mostly."
"Mostly?"
Suddenly, the water began to bubble.
"I sense a disturbance," Li said, his helmet fogging up.
A shape rose from the deep end. It wasn't a rubber duck.
It was a Tentacle. A giant, green, slimy tentacle.
And then another. And another.
Rising from the pool was a monster. It had a squid head, bat wings, and a very confused expression.
The Public Domain Kraken.
(Legally distinct from Cthulhu, but close enough to make you uncomfortable).
"It's a guest star!" Barry screamed. "Keep rolling! This is the plot twist!"
"You invited a Kraken?" Jen blew her whistle. "That is a capacity violation! The pool is rated for six people, not an Elder God!"
"ROAAAAR!" The Kraken bellowed. Its voice sounded like a distorted tuba.
It lashed out. A tentacle grabbed Aldren.
"Unhand me!" Aldren shrieked, flailing his parasol. "This wool suit is heavy when wet! I am sinking!"
"Save him!" Barry yelled at Elara. "Save your love interest! This is the climax!"
"He's not my love interest!" Elara yelled, wading through the thick water. "He's my headache!"
She grabbed her rolling pin. She swung at the tentacle.
THWACK.
The Kraken didn't flinch. It looked at Elara.
"I HAVE RIGHTS!" The Kraken shouted. "I AM PUBLIC DOMAIN! I CAN BE HERE!"
"Not in my pool!" Elara yelled.
"Li! Assist!"
Li Wusheng activated his oxygen tanks. "Hydro-Dynamic Boost!"
He turned the valves. A jet of air shot him across the pool like a torpedo.
He rammed the Kraken in the stomach (or where a stomach would be).
"Oof!" The Kraken grunted. It dropped Aldren.
Aldren splashed into the water. He didn't swim. He sank like a stone.
"I... cannot... swim..." bubbles floated up.
"Elara! The CPR moment!" Barry screamed into his megaphone. "This is it! The kiss! The ratings!"
Elara dove. She grabbed Aldren by his striped collar. She dragged him to the surface.
She hauled him onto the sand.
Aldren coughed up purple Void-water. "I saw... the light... it was... fluorescent."
"Kiss him!" Barry chanted. "Kiss him! Kiss him!"
Elara looked at Aldren. He looked like a wet rat in a prisoner costume.
She looked at Barry.
She raised her hand.
SLAP.
She slapped Aldren.
"Wake up!" Elara shouted.
"Ow!" Aldren blinked. "That was bracing. Thank you."
"CUT!" Barry threw his hat on the ground. "Where is the romance? Where is the longing? You just slapped the male lead!"
"It's a 'Tsundere' slap!" Vex improvised, posing for the camera. "She hits him because she loves him! It's a trope!"
Barry paused. He looked at the monitor.
[COMMENTS: "LOL SHE SLAPPED HIM." "SHIP IT." "QUEEN."]
"They love it," Barry whispered. "They love the violence. Okay! Pivot! It's a 'Love-Hate' dynamic!"
The Kraken, meanwhile, was climbing out of the pool.
"I AM STILL HERE!" The Kraken roared. "I DEMAND A SAG CARD!"
"Ignis!" Elara pointed. "Deal with the guest!"
Ignis (still in his Speedo) cracked his knuckles.
"I am the King of the Beach!" Ignis roared.
He didn't breathe fire. He did a cannonball.
He ran. He jumped. He tucked his knees.
SPLAT.
He hit the pool. The displacement was massive. A tidal wave of Void-water rose up and washed the Kraken out of the pool, across the sand, and over the edge of the roof.
"I REGRET NOTHINGGGG!" The Kraken screamed as it fell into the void.
"That's a wrap!" Barry yelled.
The Post-Credits Scene
The sun was setting (Barry had dimmed the lights). The team sat on the sand, exhausted, wet, and sticky from spilled Void-Fizz.
"We survived," Jen said, counting the money Barry had transferred. "And we made rent."
"I have sand in places that defy geometry," Li complained, trying to take off his helmet.
"I enjoyed the crab buffet," Ignis said, picking a shell out of his teeth.
Aldren was wringing out his cape (which he had put back on immediately). "I feel... objectified. The camera lingered on my ankles."
"It's show business," Vex said, checking her phone. "Look! We're trending! #BeachEpisode is number one on the Interdimensional Twitter."
Elara sat looking at the fake horizon. Barry walked over.
"Great work, kid," Barry said, lighting a cigar. "You got spark. You got moxie."
"I hate you," Elara said.
"That's the spirit," Barry grinned. "Save that anger. You're going to need it."
"Why?"
"Because," Barry blew a smoke ring. "The network loved the monster fight. They want more action. More stakes."
"What does that mean?"
"It means next week isn't a slice-of-life episode," Barry said. "We're doing a Crossover."
"With who?"
Barry smiled. A predatory, corporate smile.
"We're crossing over with 'The Gritty Detective Hour'. It's a noir procedural. Lots of rain. Lots of monologues. And the lead detective... hates magic."
Elara groaned. "I have to deal with a brooding detective?"
"You have to solve a murder," Barry said. "Or get cancelled."
He walked away, fading out as the credits rolled.
[PRODUCED BY BARRY BANNINGTON][BASED ON A DELETED DRAFT]