Marcus Chen, 22, died exactly as he lived: like a complete idiot.
To be fair, the vending machine had eaten his dollar. And yes, technically the warning label DID say "Do Not Shake or Tilt." But Marcus had always believed that warning labels were merely suggestions written by cowards who had never truly wanted a Snickers bar.
The vending machine disagreed.
So did gravity.
So did his skull.
[SYSTEM INITIALIZING...]
[CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE DIED IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE!]
[ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: "DARWINISM IN ACTION"]
Marcus opened his eyes to find himself floating in an endless white void. In front of him hovered a translucent blue screen that looked like it had been designed by someone who had only seen video game interfaces described to them by a drunk person.
"What the—"
[WELCOME, HOST, TO THE OBLIVIOUS SYSTEM!]
[YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED FOR REINCARNATION DUE TO YOUR... UNIQUE... MENTAL QUALITIES.]
Marcus squinted at the screen. "Is this a compliment?"
[NO.]
[THE OBLIVIOUS SYSTEM REWARDS THE HOST FOR ACTS OF PROFOUND STUPIDITY, SOCIAL OBLIVIOUSNESS, AND GENERAL LACK OF AWARENESS.]
[THE MORE STUPID THE ACTION, THE GREATER THE REWARD!]
[CATEGORIES INCLUDE:]
[- SAYING SOMETHING DUMB: +1-10 STAT POINTS]
[- DOING SOMETHING STUPID: +5-50 STAT POINTS]
[- BEING COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO DANGER: +10-100 STAT POINTS]
[- ACCIDENTALLY INSULTING SOMEONE POWERFUL: +25-200 STAT POINTS]
[- ASKING A STUPID QUESTION AT THE WORST TIME: +15-75 STAT POINTS]
Marcus stared at the screen for a long moment.
"So... I get stronger by being dumb?"
[...YES. THAT IS LITERALLY WHAT I JUST SAID.]
"Oh cool. So I just need to be smart about being dumb?"
[...THE SYSTEM IS ALREADY REGRETTING THIS DECISION.]
"Wait, can I see my stats?"
[CERTAINLY, HOST.]
[MARCUS CHEN]
[POWER LEVEL: 5 (AVERAGE HUMAN)]
[STRENGTH: 5]
[SPEED: 5]
[DURABILITY: 4]
[INTELLIGENCE: ... ]
[OBLIVIOUSNESS: MAXIMUM]
"Why is Intelligence blank?"
[THE SYSTEM ENCOUNTERED AN ERROR TRYING TO QUANTIFY A NEGATIVE NUMBER.]
"That seems mean."
[TRUTH HURTS, HOST.]
[NOW THEN, YOU WILL BE REINCARNATED INTO THE DRAGON BALL UNIVERSE, AGE 749, ONE YEAR BEFORE THE BEGINNING OF THE MAIN STORYLINE.]
[GOOD LUCK. YOU WILL NEED IT.]
[ACTUALLY, WITH YOUR LUCK, YOU'LL PROBABLY STUMBLE INTO VICTORY. THE SYSTEM HAS SEEN YOUR TYPE BEFORE.]
Before Marcus could ask any more questions—like "What's Dragon Ball?" because he had somehow never watched it despite owning three anime body pillows—the void collapsed around him.
Marcus woke up face-down in dirt.
This was not unusual for him. Many of his mornings had started this way, usually after trying to prove that he could definitely do a backflip.
He pushed himself up and looked around. He was in some kind of wilderness—mountains in the distance, forests everywhere, and a river nearby. The air smelled clean and fresh, completely unlike his apartment, which smelled like regret and three-day-old pizza.
"Okay," he said to himself, brushing off his clothes—which were now some kind of simple martial arts gi, blue with a white belt. "New world. Magic system that rewards stupidity. I can work with this."
He paused.
"Wait. How do I know if I'm being stupid? Wouldn't I have to be smart enough to know I'm being dumb? Isn't that a paradox? If I try to be stupid on purpose, is that actually smart, which means I wouldn't get points, but if I don't try then I'm being naturally stupid which—"
[DING!]
[HOST HAS HURT HIMSELF IN HIS CONFUSION!]
[+15 STAT POINTS FOR OVERTHINKING SIMPLICITY!]
[POWER LEVEL: 5 → 20]
Marcus blinked. "Oh. I guess it just... happens naturally."
[THE SYSTEM WEEPS FOR YOUR FUTURE.]
A rustling in the bushes nearby caught his attention. Marcus, demonstrating the survival instincts of a lemming with a death wish, immediately walked toward the sound.
"Hello? Is someone there? I'm new here and I'm pretty lost. Also, do you know where I can get a Snickers bar? I never did get that Snickers bar."
The bushes exploded.
A massive tiger—easily the size of a car—lunged out with its jaws wide open, clearly intent on making Marcus its lunch.
Marcus looked at the tiger.
The tiger looked at Marcus.
"Oh cool, a big kitty!" Marcus said with genuine delight. "Here, kitty kitty!"
[DING!]
[HOST HAS DISPLAYED COMPLETE OBLIVIOUSNESS TO MORTAL DANGER!]
[+75 STAT POINTS!]
[POWER LEVEL: 20 → 95]
The tiger's claws raked across Marcus's chest.
They shattered.
The tiger stared at its broken claws. Marcus stared at the tiger. The System, somewhere in the metaphysical background, facepalmed.
"Aw, kitty, you broke your nails!" Marcus reached out and patted the tiger on the head. "You should really be more careful. Here, let me see—"
He grabbed the tiger's paw with genuine concern, not realizing that his grip strength was now roughly equivalent to an industrial vice.
The tiger whimpered.
"There, there," Marcus said, completely misinterpreting the sound of terror as appreciation. "Good kitty."
He gave the tiger a hug.
The tiger, recognizing that it was now at the bottom of the food chain, went limp in acceptance of its fate.
"You know what? I'm gonna call you Mr. Whiskers. We're friends now."
[DING!]
[HOST HAS BEFRIENDED A DANGEROUS PREDATOR THROUGH SHEER OBLIVIOUSNESS!]
[+30 STAT POINTS!]
[POWER LEVEL: 95 → 125]
[NOTE: THIS IS ALREADY HIGHER THAN THE AVERAGE TRAINED HUMAN SOLDIER. THE SYSTEM IS CONCERNED.]
Mr. Whiskers, former apex predator of the East Mountain Region, nuzzled against Marcus's leg and purred submissively. It had made peace with its new role as emotional support animal.
Marcus wandered through the forest for about an hour, chatting amiably with Mr. Whiskers about various topics including the weather, his thoughts on whether hot dogs were sandwiches (yes, obviously, there's bread involved), and his complete lack of understanding about where he was.
"You know, Mr. Whiskers, this place reminds me of that one anime my roommate was always watching. The one with the screaming and the hair?"
Mr. Whiskers chuffed noncommittally.
"Yeah, I never paid attention to it. Seemed kinda silly. People flying around shooting lasers out of their hands? That's not realistic at all."
[DING!]
[HOST HAS DISMISSED THE REALITY HE NOW INHABITS AS "UNREALISTIC."]
[+20 STAT POINTS FOR DRAMATIC IRONY!]
[POWER LEVEL: 125 → 145]
They emerged from the forest into a clearing, and Marcus stopped dead.
Before him stood a tall, green figure with pointed ears, wearing a white cape and turban. The figure was in the middle of what appeared to be intense meditation, floating about three feet off the ground, a visible aura of energy surrounding him.
It was Piccolo.
Not that Marcus knew that.
"Oh!" Marcus said loudly, completely disrupting what had been six hours of focused concentration. "Hey there, green guy! Are you okay? You look constipated. My uncle used to look like that when he was constipated. Do you need fiber? I read somewhere that fiber helps."
Piccolo's eye twitched.
He slowly opened his eyes, fixing Marcus with a glare that had made battle-hardened warriors wet themselves.
Marcus waved cheerfully.
[DING!]
[HOST HAS INTERRUPTED THE MEDITATION OF A POWERFUL WARRIOR AND COMPARED HIM TO A CONSTIPATED RELATIVE!]
[+100 STAT POINTS FOR ACCIDENTALLY INSULTING SOMEONE POWERFUL!]
[POWER LEVEL: 145 → 245]
"Who," Piccolo said through gritted teeth, "are you, and why shouldn't I blast you into atoms?"
Marcus considered this question.
"Well, I'm Marcus. This is Mr. Whiskers." He gestured to the tiger, who was hiding behind his legs. "And you probably shouldn't blast me because... um... I don't think that's very nice?"
Piccolo's antennae twitched as he felt out Marcus's power level. His eyes widened slightly. The human's energy was unusually high for someone who looked like a complete idiot. But it was still nothing compared to his own.
"You have some strength," Piccolo admitted grudgingly. "Surprising, for a human. But you're still far below me. Leave now, before I lose my patience."
Marcus tilted his head. "Below you? What do you mean? We're at the same height right now." He pointed. "Well, actually, you're floating, so technically you're above me. Is that what you meant? That's not really a power thing, that's just... you know... vertical positioning."
[DING!]
[HOST HAS COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD A THREAT!]
[+40 STAT POINTS!]
[POWER LEVEL: 245 → 285]
Piccolo felt the human's power level suddenly jump and his eyes narrowed. What was going on? Was this some kind of technique?
"I'm warning you—"
"Oh, you're warning me about something? Is there danger nearby?" Marcus looked around with concern. "Mr. Whiskers, we should be careful. The green man says there's danger."
Mr. Whiskers whimpered.
"What? No, YOU'RE the—" Piccolo stopped himself, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I am the danger. I am warning you about ME."
Marcus looked at Piccolo. Then he looked at Piccolo's outfit. Then he looked at Piccolo's face.
"I think you need a hug," Marcus declared.
"What."
"A hug. You seem really tense and angry, and I read that hugs release oxytocin which helps with stress. My therapist used to say that I should offer hugs to people who seem upset." Marcus paused. "Of course, she also said I should 'read social cues' and 'understand that not everyone wants physical contact,' but I never really got what she meant by that."
[DING!]
[HOST HAS DISPLAYED ABSOLUTELY ZERO UNDERSTANDING OF SOCIAL BOUNDARIES!]
[+25 STAT POINTS!]
[POWER LEVEL: 285 → 310]
Piccolo, the Demon King's son, the terror of Earth, the warrior who had once held the planet hostage, took an involuntary step back.
"Stay away from me."
"But you look like you really need it."
Marcus took a step forward.
Piccolo took a step back.
"I am the reincarnation of the Demon King Piccolo," Piccolo growled. "I have destroyed cities. I have—"
"Oh, so you're royalty? That's cool! I've never met a king before. Well, there was this one guy at a Burger King who said he was the king, but I think he was just an employee. He gave me extra fries though, which was nice of him."
[DING!]
[HOST HAS COMPARED THE DEMON KING'S LEGACY TO A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT!]
[+150 STAT POINTS!]
[POWER LEVEL: 310 → 460]
Piccolo felt the power surge again. This was wrong. This was very wrong. This idiot's power was climbing at an absurd rate, and he wasn't even doing anything. Was it connected to... no. Surely not. Surely this fool wasn't getting stronger every time he said something stupid.
That would be the most broken ability in the universe.
"What are you?" Piccolo demanded.
Marcus thought about it. "Human, I think? Although I did die and get reincarnated, so maybe I'm a zombie? Do zombies look like this? I've never been a zombie before, so I'm not sure of the protocol."
"Reincarnated?"
"Yeah, I got killed by a vending machine. Long story. Anyway, I have this system thing now that—"
[WARNING! WARNING!]
[HOST IS ABOUT TO EXPLAIN THE SYSTEM!]
[THIS IS USUALLY A BAD IDEA!]
[...ACTUALLY, KNOWING YOU, IT MIGHT BE FINE. YOU'LL PROBABLY EXPLAIN IT WRONG ANYWAY.]
"—that does stuff. I'm not really sure what. It's got a lot of words and I don't like reading."
[THE SYSTEM IS OFFENDED BUT ALSO NOT SURPRISED.]
Piccolo stared at the human before him. Against his better judgment, he found himself intrigued. This Marcus was an idiot, clearly, but there was something about him that defied logic.
Also, his power level was now approaching Raditz-level, which was concerning.
"How long have you been training?" Piccolo asked.
"Training? Like, exercise?"
"Yes. Martial arts training. Combat experience."
Marcus scratched his head. "Well, I took a karate class when I was seven, but I quit because the instructor yelled too much and I didn't like the yelling. Then I tried yoga once, but I fell asleep during corpse pose and they asked me to leave. Does that count?"
[DING!]
[HOST HAS REVEALED HIS COMPLETE LACK OF TRAINING TO A POTENTIAL ENEMY!]
[+35 STAT POINTS!]
[POWER LEVEL: 460 → 495]
"That's it? You have a power level of nearly 500 and you've never trained?"
"Is 500 good?"
Piccolo's eye twitched again. "It's... above average."
"Oh cool! I'm above average at something! Wait, what is a power level? Is it like a video game thing?"
[DING!]
[HOST HAS ASKED A STUPID QUESTION IN A POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS SITUATION!]
[+20 STAT POINTS!]
[POWER LEVEL: 495 → 515]
Piccolo watched the human's energy climb again. This was definitely connected to his stupidity. The Namekian's strategic mind began to turn. An ability that got stronger based on foolishness... in the hands of someone this idiotic...
This person could theoretically become the strongest being in the universe.
The thought was terrifying.
"You," Piccolo said slowly, "are going to be a problem."
Marcus beamed. "Aw, thanks! People usually say I'm annoying, not a problem. 'Problem' sounds more important. Like I matter."
[DING!]
[HOST HAS INTERPRETED A THREAT AS A COMPLIMENT!]
[+50 STAT POINTS!]
[POWER LEVEL: 515 → 565]
Piccolo made a decision. This human was too dangerous to let wander around freely. His power was climbing at a rate that defied reason, and it seemed like every word out of his mouth made him stronger.
The logical thing to do would be to kill him now, before he became unstoppable.
Piccolo raised his hand, energy crackling at his fingertips.
"Hey, your hand is glowing," Marcus observed. "That's pretty. Is it a glow stick? I love glow sticks. At raves, I would always—"
Piccolo fired a concentrated energy beam directly at Marcus's face.
Marcus, displaying reflexes he didn't know he had, sneezed.
The resulting force of air from his sneeze deflected the beam off course, sending it spiraling into the sky where it eventually detonated somewhere above the clouds.
"Sorry," Marcus said, rubbing his nose. "Allergies. Anyway, you were saying something about glow sticks?"
Piccolo's hand was still raised. His mouth was slightly open.
[DING!]
[HOST HAS ACCIDENTALLY DEFLECTED A LETHAL ATTACK!]
[+200 STAT POINTS!]
[POWER LEVEL: 565 → 765]
[NOTE: HOST NOW EXCEEDS THE POWER OF MOST EARTHLING MARTIAL ARTISTS. THE SYSTEM IS BEGINNING TO FIND THIS AMUSING.]
"Did... did you just sneeze my attack away?"
"I guess? Was that your attack? I thought it was a glow stick. Wait, you attacked me? Why would you do that? I thought we were having a conversation. That seems rude."
Marcus looked genuinely hurt.
Piccolo, despite himself, felt a tiny twinge of... something. Not guilt, exactly. The Demon King's son didn't feel guilt. But perhaps something adjacent to it.
"You're an idiot," Piccolo said flatly.
"Yeah, probably," Marcus agreed cheerfully. "My teachers used to say that a lot. And my parents. And my friends. And strangers. And that one bird that kept coming to my window—I think it was judging me."
[DING!]
[HOST HAS PROUDLY ADMITTED TO HIS STUPIDITY!]
[+15 STAT POINTS!]
[POWER LEVEL: 765 → 780]
Piccolo lowered his hand. Killing this human clearly wasn't going to work—not through conventional means, anyway. And trying to fight him seemed counterproductive, since he apparently got stronger from being dumb, and combat would certainly provide opportunities for more stupidity.
"I'm leaving," Piccolo announced.
"Oh, okay! It was nice meeting you, Mr. Green! Good luck with your constipation!"
Piccolo's eye twitched so hard his whole face spasmed. He shot into the sky without another word, flying as fast as he could away from the walking catastrophe below.
[DING!]
[HOST HAS SUCCESSFULLY DRIVEN AWAY A POWERFUL ENEMY THROUGH SHEER ANNOYANCE!]
[+80 STAT POINTS!]
[POWER LEVEL: 780 → 860]
[HIDDEN ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: "TACTICAL RETREAT (THEIRS, NOT YOURS)"]
[+50 BONUS STAT POINTS!]
[POWER LEVEL: 860 → 910]
Marcus watched the green figure disappear into the distance.
"Huh. He seemed stressed. I hope he finds some fiber."
Mr. Whiskers made a sound that, in tiger, roughly translated to "What the hell just happened?"
"I don't know either, buddy," Marcus said, patting his head. "But I feel like that went pretty well. I made a new friend!"
[THE SYSTEM WOULD LIKE TO NOTE THAT PICCOLO IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.]
"He will be," Marcus said confidently. "Everyone becomes my friend eventually. Except for that one guy at the DMV. He was mean."
He started walking in a random direction, Mr. Whiskers following reluctantly behind.
"You know, Mr. Whiskers, I have a good feeling about this world. I think we're going to do great things here."
[THE SYSTEM HAS MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT THIS.]
"Like, I don't really know what's going on, or where I am, or what I'm supposed to do, or why that green guy could fly, or what a power level is, or why you can understand me even though you're a tiger, or—"
[DING!]
[HOST HAS LISTED MULTIPLE THINGS HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND!]
[+5 STAT POINTS PER ITEM!]
[+35 STAT POINTS TOTAL!]
[POWER LEVEL: 910 → 945]
"—but I'm sure it'll work out! It usually does. Well, except for that time with the vending machine. That didn't work out. But besides that!"
As Marcus walked off into the sunset, completely unaware of the destiny that awaited him, completely ignorant of the battles to come, and completely oblivious to the fact that he was now one of the strongest humans on Earth after less than two hours in this world, the System displayed one final message:
[CHAPTER 1 COMPLETE]
[FINAL POWER LEVEL: 945]
[TOTAL STUPID ACTIONS: 17]
[TOTAL POINTS EARNED: 940]
[INTELLIGENCE: STILL NEGATIVE]
[SYSTEM PROGNOSIS: CATASTROPHE (IN A GOOD WAY?) (MAYBE?) (THE SYSTEM IS HONESTLY NOT SURE ANYMORE)]
[NEXT CHAPTER PREVIEW: MARCUS MEETS GOKU, ASKS WHY HIS HAIR IS SO SPIKY, AND ACCIDENTALLY STARTS A TRAINING MONTAGE]
END OF CHAPTER 1