"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion."
—Albert Camus
--𝕽𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖗𝖙--
Kiyotaka woke up early the next morning. He hadn't stayed up late, which surprised him. He imagined he'd be spending more time deciding what to do next.
After all, having knowledge of the future, or at the very least, a preview of it should be reality-breaking. Common sense dictated so.
But apparently, even three years' worth of new memories wasn't enough to disrupt a routine conditioned for over a decade.
So, he got up. Quietly, but quickly.
He tied back the curtains.
Gazing at the pre-morning sky, watching its hues shifting from bruised purple to a tentative grey, had become a habit over the past year. It didn't have any special meaning for him, but it was a nice reminder... that he was now in the real world.
Back then, the skies were just pictures. He only knew they existed, but couldn't see them.
Pouring and emptying a glass of water, Kiyotaka stood in the middle of the room.
Then, he began his warm-up.
Stretch. Count. Hold. Reset.
This had always helped him think.
If he had to describe what he was doing, it was cataloging. Names, events, triggers. The people who would become relevant in the months ahead. The people who didn't matter— it was important to note them too.
Then, the questions.
What events does he have to plan for?
Would he approach some of these people earlier than usual?
Does he already need to plan now?
Kiyotaka rolled his neck and sighed.
He'd just be going over a loop at this point.
There was no benefit in staying faithful to the future, even if it'd turned out to be completely accurate. Doing so would just mean he was letting something else control his decisions.
He came to Advanced Nurturing High School precisely to escape that cycle.
Besides, the fact that he was given these memories was already a sign of change.
He repeated a previous thought: there was no point overthinking it.
After all, he wasn't a sentimental person, so some changes wouldn't make him bat an eye.
Kiyotaka's stretch paused mid-hold, and added a realization: neither was his future self.
He didn't develop in that sense. Now that... that was an unfortunate thought.
There were, admittedly, cold comforts in this bleak reflection. It was easy for him to understand the decisions made by his future self... if only because the rationalization were, fundamentally, his own.
And that meant he understood why, why he didn't develop: somewhere in between, his goals—to taste true freedom, perhaps even to become someone— were sidelined.
His fa... no, that man, Kiyotaka reminded himself, kept interfering with his life, and so, he had to prioritize his own survival instead.
Kiyotaka sighed. That didn't have to happen.
Because even then, he'd known his father wasn't omnipotent. That man's reach had limits.
But despite that knowledge, the moment he sensed vulnerability, he found himself defaulting to what he knew best: Utilize every resource. Control every variable. Win, at all costs.
It didn't matter if a few people got hurt along the way. So long as he won in the end.
That was the only thing that mattered.
There was nothing wrong with that mentality, he convinced himself.
But, there was a more optimal outcome that his future self didn't consider. One that he should have pursued more.
Kiyotaka breathed.
In. Out. In. Out.
That was his warm-up done.
He grabbed a towel and wiped his sweat away. Then, he changed into the school's PE attire, pulled on a jacket, and laced up his shoes.
He decided to spend the early morning jogging.
There wasn't a particular reason to jog. But if he did the exact same thing as before, there'd be no point in waking up with these memories at all.
--𝕽𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖗𝖙--
Morning went as expected.
Jogging aside, Kiyotaka saw no need to do anything off-script just yet. He remembered the first week of class being largely inconsequential.
Just normal lessons, further clique building, the normal High School experience. Everyone still believed Advanced Nurturing High School to be paradise. Students from Class D, at least.
Eventually, the lunch bell rang.
Kiyotaka stretched his legs, eyes drifting from the doorway then to the already formed friend groups. There were already a few of them formed, but his eyes were trained on one group in particular.
He nodded to himself. It was time.
In a few minutes, Ayanokōji Kiyotaka would make a massive leap...
And there was no Horikita to give snide remarks.
Because just as in his memories, Horikita rushed to exit the homeroom after the bell. She was still shaken at having seen her older brother for the first time in years.
"Well then..." Kiyotaka murmured, rising from his seat.
A few steps, then a pause.
He was forming words in his head, but he didn't have to.
"Ayanokōji-kun!" Hirata waved at him.
Leave it to Hirata Yōsuke to be quick at noticing a classmate.
Turning his gaze to the dark brown-haired boy, Kiyotaka noted how he was still crowded by the same crowd. That tracked. And it stayed that way for quite a while too.
Kiyotaka nodded at him. "Hirata," he curtly said.
Hirata smiled at him. "Are you headed to the cafeteria? Why not join us?"
Then, he paused, looking a little thoughtful. "Only if you're not eating with someone else, of course."
"No... I'm not with anyone," Kiyotaka replied.
Hirata beamed. "Then, would you like to join us?"
Kiyotaka saw victory in sight. But he didn't want to accept right away, it'd make him look overly eager.
All the conversations with Karuizawa Kei in his memories made him aware of how girls would perceive such behavior. So he had to play it cool.
He looked contemplative for a moment, then the right words came.
"You're sure they won't mind?" he asked, glancing at the girls.
Hirata turned to them, hands clasped together almost pleadingly. "Can Ayanokōji-kun join us?"
They quickly agreed. Of course, they couldn't say no to Hirata.
Kiyotaka muttered a small thanks to the girls. He didn't have to, but it was the polite thing to do.
"All right then. Let's go!"
At Hirata's command, they headed to the cafeteria.
Without prompt, the group fell into line. Hirata led the way, with Karuizawa walking close beside him, arm occasionally brushing against his sleeve. Matsushita and Satō followed just behind, chatting. Mori and Wang, the quieter ones, trailed a few steps back.
Meanwhile, Kiyotaka stayed at the rear.
For now, this would suffice. He was new to the group, after all. He didn't belong just yet.
If he had to make an analogy, he was a stray dog that Hirata, ever the angel, had adopted.
...Not that he minded. There were worse roles to play. Like being a sidekick to Yamauchi and Ike.
His thoughts soured a little at the memory of Operation Delta. Not that he felt strongly about it—but given the choice, he'd rather not be involved if it happened again.
Although, that was impossible. Only he could have done something about it. And Karuizawa too, it seemed. They worked together on that one.
Then, his thoughts drifted.
In his memories, Hirata was actually looking to invite him for lunch as early as the second day of class. Hirata noticed him raising his hand when he asked the class who'd like to go with him for lunch.
But Karuizawa's insistence pulled his attention away.
So Kiyotaka concluded: Hirata's invitation was always bound to happen—if he reached for it.
This time, he did.
And that was change. That satisfied him.
--𝕽𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖗𝖙--
Two days had passed since Kiyotaka had lunch with Hirata and his clique.
Nothing major truly happened.
Well... aside from him gaining Hirata's contact information and being added in another group chat. That was worth something.
As for the girls, Kiyotaka didn't think they liked him just yet. But they seem to tolerate him.
Matsushita Chiaki and Satō Maya would talk to him for a bit, although that was more courtesy than genuine interest. Still, Kiyotaka appreciated the effort.
Meanwhile, Mori Nene and Wang Mei-Yu were too shy to initiate conversations with him...and he hadn't found a good time to start one himself.
Although, Wang did ask him to call her Mii-chan. But that was because she didn't like being called Wang. Good thing his future self had practice with that.
Meanwhile, the same tolerance could not be said about Karuizawa. She remained distrustful of him.
He understood why, so he didn't really mind. At least, she wasn't openly hostile. He had Hirata to thank for that.
All things considered, he was having a better start to his high school life compared to his memories. And he did so while maintaining a normal, high school boy persona too. That was worth celebrating.
Although, it probably wouldn't last for long.
Kiyotaka stared at the sight in front of him.
He sighed.
Of all the people he could see asleep on a bench...
Morishita Ai, his seatmate—well, technically, the girl who sat behind him—in his future self's third year. A chaotic, but pleasant girl who wormed her way into future Kiyotaka's inner circle.
She was positioned exactly the same way when he first found her in his memories. Although, that encounter happened much, much later.
Did going against the script cause this encounter? He hadn't met Morishita until his second year.
No... that wasn't it, Kiyotaka concluded.
The fantasy element ended at the sudden influx of memories. The slight deviations, like being seen as Hirata's friend and being able to call Wang as 'Mii-chan,' were logical outcomes of an alternate action. That was his rationalization.
This was simply because he never walked in this route before.
And that, too, was a conscious deviation from the script. Kiyotaka had decided to explore more of the campus early on, taking different paths each day.
It was a stark contrast to his memories, where he mostly spent his free time in his room, doing nothing interesting.
He probably didn't bother because he'd already toured the campus a month before school started.
Yeah. That seemed more like it, he tried to convince himself.
It failed. There was no excuse.
For such a curious person, his future self's actions were anything but that, Kiyotaka thought.
Eventually, he shifted his thoughts elsewhere. That was enough reflection over a life he technically hadn't lived.
Now with a clearer mind, Kiyotaka began to contemplate what to do with Morishita.
He could walk over. Say something. Or toss a crumpled paper at her, maybe—that'd be one way to break the ice. He didn't have paper, unfortunately.
Then, a third option entered his mind. That made things easier.
He nodded to himself.
...He left.
--𝕽𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖗𝖙--
A few seconds after Kiyotaka left, Morishita stirred slightly.
She opened one eye, barely a slit—just enough to catch a blur of motion.
By the time she opened it fully, whatever—or whoever—it was had already vanished.
She blinked, once.
Then closed her eye again. Sleep reclaimed her easily.
Kiyotaka didn't approach her. And she never knew he planned to.
--𝕽𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖗𝖙--
Eventually, the weekends arrived. Kiyotaka woke up early, as he always did.
It was a Saturday, so there was no class to attend. And that meant that after he was through with his morning routine, he didn't have anything to do. He didn't have actual plans.
But there was a simple plan: to stay in his room.
And stay, he did.
After heating a convenience store bento and eating in silence, Kiyotaka sat near the window, eyes drifting to the clouds. Their slow passage over the sky provided the only movement in his day.
Kiyotaka could have opened his phone, but it was still charging.
He forgot to charge it last night—or rather, the thought never came. He was busy reading the books he borrowed from the library yesterday.
That was another off-script action. But like the others, it was largely inconsequential. The future wouldn't change all that much from him borrowing a few more books.
He did see someone who his future self befriended, though.
Shiina Hiyori.
But he didn't approach her. She was busy reading Sayers.
Re-reading, Kiyotaka corrected himself.
That was the only explanation why Shiina had five books stacked. And his knowledge of the future... of course. She told him— his future self, that was— that she already finished the series in middle school.
Then, an idea flashed in Kiyotaka's mind. He didn't have to gaze at the clouds for hours.
Kiyotaka stood up and walked over to the small cabinet near his bed, where he'd placed the books the day before. He opened it, took out the three paperbacks, and carried them to his study desk.
All three were Chandler works: The Big Sleep, Farewell, My Lovely, and The High Window.
He stacked them neatly, one over the other.
Then, he walked over the fridge and got himself a glass of orange juice. He bought a few sachets of them last night.
Returning to his seat, Kiyotaka picked up the first book and opened to the first page.
And eventually finished the book within an hour. Like his future self, he found out that reading was more fun when done in much, much more colorful spaces.
The austere white walls of his childhood came to mind. Then, he erased them.
--𝕽𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖗𝖙--
By noon, Kiyotaka had finished re-reading all three books. It would have taken the normal person at least 10 hours to do the same thing.
He really did try to slow down his reading speed, though.
But what was the point in doing so when the degree of retention was the same regardless of speed?
So after the first few chapters of The Big Sleep, he settled into a steady 1000 words per minute. Not his maximum, but more comfortable than pretending to read slower.
And now, Kiyotaka was back to square one. He had nothing else to do.
But at least he had his phone with him now, fully charged.
Unlocking the phone, he figured it was time to check on the two group chats that he was in: the one Ike created, and the one Hirata made for their circle. Kiyotaka resolved not to call it a clique anymore, because "clique" sounded like he wasn't part of it.
"Ah... they're already asking for money," he muttered as he scrolled through Ike and Yamauchi's messages in the "All Boys" group chat.
Then, he concluded that even chat messages were word-for-word similar to those in his memories. Even their typos.
Kiyotaka sighed. He already came to terms with his situation, but he couldn't help being surprised whenever things unfolded as they did in his memories.
Then again, it could just be his nature. He was the type of person that always considered the possibility of a third option. He never confined himself to black and white. In this case, Kiyotaka still hadn't ruled out the possibility of a "timeline divergence."
What this "timeline divergence" constituted were events that (1) never happened in the original timeline; and (2) weren't triggered by Kiyotaka himself. Therefore, divergence like him being a part of Hirata's circle wasn't one of these "timeline divergences."
A "timeline divergence," for example, would be... him being targeted early.
He hoped that wouldn't be the case, but there was no harm in planning ahead.
Taking his mind off more serious matters, Kiyotaka checked the other group chat.
Karuizawa and the others had asked Hirata to accompany them to the mall, but unfortunately, he had a scheduled try-out for the football club.
Unfortunate—not because Hirata couldn't go, but because he immediately redirected their attention to someone else.
Him.
[12:08:40 Hirata] @Ayanokōji_Kiyotaka, how about you accompany them to the mall? It'd be fun, I promise.
[12:08:48 Satō] Oh right! I almost forgot he was in this group chat...
[12:08:53 Wang] (Replying to Satō) That's a little rude :((
[12:08:55 Matsushita] (Replying to Satō) You're lucky @Ayanokōji_Kiyotaka wouldn't be offended by that
[12:09:04 Satō] Hey... I didn't mean it like that, okay?
[12:09:12 Satō] You really should chat more, @Ayanokōji_Kiyotaka! They're bullying me T_T
[12:09:15 Karuizawa] (Replying to Hirata) It's fine. We can just have it after your try-out!
[12:09:20 Hirata] Is that okay?
[12:09:22 Karuizawa] Yeah! Don't worry about it ^_^
Karuizawa didn't want to include him, that much was obvious. She was pretty distrustful of boys early on.
Kiyotaka figured now was as good a time as any to say something.
[12:09:25] Ouch.
No emojis. Just that one word.
And he knew what would happen next.
[12:09:30 Satō] Oh no...
[12:09:33 Matsushita] (Replying to Kiyotaka) T_T I'm sure @Karuizawa_Kei didn't mean it like that. Right?
[12:09:39 Karuizawa] (Replying to Matshushita) Well, obviously 🙄
Wang—Mii-chan—began typing, then stopped. Whatever she wanted to say never left the draft box. To her, the tension was a little too much.
[12:09:43 Karuizawa] Why would I make him think he wasn't welcome?
Just as he had expected, Karuizawa took a defensive stance. He could stop making her worry and admit right away he was just joking, but it was more fun to keep the game going.
Because at this point, she wasn't actually trying to smooth things over. She just didn't want Hirata getting the wrong idea.
[12:09:45] (Replying to Karuizawa) If you say so.
Kiyotaka found a sliver of amusement at Karuizawa alternating between typing and halting. She was probably praying for Hirata to take a look at the group chat again, perhaps play mediator.
Not that he would need to. Kiyotaka knew what he was doing.
[12:09:57 Karuizawa] I don't have a problem with you. It's just that I asked out Hirata-kun specifically.
The chat went silent for a while.
The others must have thought Karuizawa's chat came across as a bit passive-aggressive. Or, in the case of Mori, she was probably typing out an essay.
She's been typing for half a minute now, Kiyotaka noted.
[12:10:05 Mori] I'd be fine with him accompanying us. But would you be comfortable about it, @Ayanokōji_Kiyotaka?
Or— she was spending all that time weighing in the proper words to use.
Kiyotaka decided that was enough. He didn't want to be seen as a downer.
[12:10:12] (Replying to Mori) Only if you girls are fine with me. But I'd also prefer if Hirata was with us. I'm not really used to this.
[12:10:16 Karuizawa] Huh... guess you're alright.
[12:10:17] Also, I wasn't offended. I was trying to crack a joke.
[12:10:18 Satō] T_T T_T T_T T_T
[12:10:23 Matsushita] You should put emojis next to your chat next time. I almost had a heart attack, you know?
[12:10:24 Karuizawa] @Ayanokōji_Kiyotaka you do know it's hard to tell with you, right?
Kiyotaka paused mid-typing.
'That's the point,' he thought.
[12:10:30] My bad. I'll make sure to use emotes next time.
In other words, he would continue to chat without using emotes.
[12:10:32 Hirata] Wait, what happened here?
[12:10:37 Satō] (Replying to Hirata) Ayanokōji-kun happened
[12:10:48 Hirata] You girls should have known Ayanokōji-kun was just joking all this time T_T
[12:10:50 Matsushita] Wait, you can tell?
[12:10:54 Hirata] Of course. He's our friend.
[12:10:56] (Replying to Matsushita) I should be offended that you can't tell.
[12:10:58 Matsushita] (Replying to Kiyotaka) Stoooop T_T
Kiyotaka replied with a thumbs-up emoji, then locked his phone. That was enough chatting for now. He could understand why people spent hours in these apps—there was something oddly addictive about it.
Rising from his seat, he poured himself another glass of orange juice. Then, glass in hand, he stood by the window and watched the clouds drift across the sky.
Hirata's last message flashed in his mind. And it lingered... longer than it should have.
He didn't know how to feel about being called a friend this soon.
It wasn't a foreign word. In fact, he did make some in his memories, Hirata being one of them. But he hadn't lived those moments. He only remembered them.
And memory wasn't the same as feeling.
Eventually, he decided it didn't sound bad... being called a friend.
End of Chapter
Closing Note: The design for this chapter is to walk people through how Kiyotaka is spending his restart. As you all can see, he's taking it slow. But it's not like he's doing nothing. He's actually changing things little by little.
Eventually, the ripples will bring Kiyotaka to where he's meant to be.