Bao Ji (Lia)
Waking up in the morning felt like hell.
All I wanted was to stay in bed, staring into nothing. It took every ounce of strength I had just to force myself to sit up. I went through my morning routine mechanically, like my body was moving on its own, but I didn't eat. I wasn't hungry.
My maid tried to insist, hovering around me, repeating herself over and over. In the end, I almost shouted at her. Not because I was angry, not because I had lost control—but because she wouldn't listen. She didn't understand that I needed peace. Silence. Space to breathe.
Eventually, she gave in. Thank goodness.
"Let's go for a short walk," I said suddenly.
My maid nodded immediately.
I thought a simple walk would help. That it would let me breathe.
It didn't.
The heavy feeling in my chest didn't disappear. If anything, it worsened, like something was pressing down on me, suffocating me, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't escape it.
I walked through the garden, surrounded by beautiful flowers, their colours vivid, their scent soft and pleasant. The scenery was breathtaking.
And yet, I felt nothing.
Before, I had always loved this place. It had been one of the few spots where I could genuinely relax. Now—even when I wanted to smile—I couldn't force it.
Then I bumped into Bao Si.
The universe truly hated me at this point.
"Cousin," Bao Si greeted me with a smile.
But that smile never reached her eyes.
"Cousin," I replied flatly.
"I heard you were unwell yesterday," she said.
There wasn't an ounce of real concern in her voice.
I stayed silent.
Then, suddenly, the Emperor appeared.
From where? I had no idea.
"Concubine Ji. Concubine Si," he said as he stopped beside Bao Si.
"Your Majesty," Bao Si and I said at the same time, bowing slightly.
The Emperor looked at me. "Did you come for a walk?"
"Yes," I answered shortly.
"Since we met here," Bao Si said, turning to me, "we should go for a walk together."
I wanted to disappear. Become invisible. Hide from everyone.
"I was about to return," I said calmly. "I've already finished my walk."
"I simply wished to spend some time with you," Bao Si replied, her tone overly polite.
The Emperor said nothing.
He just stood there. Watching. Listening.
And staring at me.
Not casually—no. He looked like he was analysing every inch of me, as if he was trying to read something written beneath my skin.
"Then… another time," Bao Si said after a pause.
"Concubine Si," the Emperor finally spoke, his eyes still fixed on me. "I will ask one of the other concubines to accompany you on a walk."
Both Bao Si and I froze.
Without another word, he took Bao Si with him and walked away.
Did he… just help me?
I hadn't asked for it. I hadn't hinted at it. And yet, he noticed.
He noticed that I was uncomfortable.
I hadn't expected that at all.
When I returned, I sat outside my room at the table, staring blankly ahead. My maid tried to talk to me, but it was pointless. Her words passed through me without leaving a trace.
Then she returned, saying that the Queen was sitting outside with the other concubines.
I refused at first.
But then the Queen's maid came and told me I had to attend.
I had no choice.
When I arrived, I sat at the far end of the table, silent. I barely listened. It was the same conversation as always—who was the prettiest, who wore the finest jewelry, who was the Emperor's favorite.
I couldn't understand how the Queen endured this every single day.
"Concubine Ji is very quiet today," one of the concubines commented, drawing everyone's attention to me.
"It's not as if I talk much on other days," I replied calmly, my voice completely devoid of emotion.
"Usually, concubine Ji is more lively," another concubine added. "This time, she looks… depressed."
"My cousin hasn't been feeling well these days," Bao Si said smoothly. "Please be understanding."
I glanced at the Queen, then rolled my eyes.
"I thank my cousin for speaking on my behalf," I said evenly, "but I don't believe I owe explanations to anyone except His Majesty and Her Highness."
Normally, I would have snapped. Today, I didn't even have the energy to argue.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed movement.
The Emperor was walking past.
He glanced in my direction for a brief second. Our eyes met.
He didn't look angry. He didn't look annoyed.
He looked calm.
And that terrified me.
Inside me, chaos was raging, and I had no idea how to quiet it. Every time I saw him, I was reminded that I held the greatest power over him—and that thought alone was enough to make my chest tighten.
Everything felt frightening now.
Eventually, the concubines left.
I stayed where I was.
The Queen approached me quietly. "How are you feeling?"
Her genuine concern warmed me slightly—and yet, the loneliness remained.
"I'll live," I replied.
"I heard you haven't been eating much," she said.
"I eat just enough so my stomach isn't empty," I answered.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked gently.
I stayed silent.
It wasn't that I didn't want to talk. I trusted her. But I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling.
"It just… terrifies me," I admitted.
"I know," she said softly. "But you keep forgetting—I'm here. I will help you no matter what."
"What if I—"
She cut me off. "I don't want to hear 'what if.' You're clever. A great responsibility has fallen on you—but you won't walk this path alone."
She pulled me up gently. "Now, let's go get your medicine."
I blinked. "Medicine?"
She smiled. "Alcohol. I have an excellent wine you should try."
Thinking about it, I really did need a drink.
Why hadn't I thought of that earlier?