widespread, several metallurgists and chymists were all experimenting
with it.
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 535SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 535 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
536 • SenLinYu
The question caught Helena off guard; she'd expected inquiries about
Kaine.
"Good. We've finished synthesising the chelating agent using the
samples I took from Ferron. If any of our combatants are injured by it,
hopefully it will be able to capture and remove the traces of metal in the
blood."
The shrapnel samples Helena had retrieved could not make a sturdy
weapon, but the alloy wasn't supposed to. The fusion was intentionally
unstable; it shattered on impact and the shards tended to deteriorate
quickly when exposed to blood, dissolving like a poison blade targeting
resonance. Helena and Shiseo had been instructed to pursue potential
treatment methods.
Because metal toxicity could happen frequently in certain fields of
alchemy, chelators were already commonplace.
Ilva nodded. "What does Shiseo think?"
"He doesn't think that true alchemy suppression is possible with the
method they're using. While it does prevent healing and alchemical
surgery, it's of limited use for combat, but that could change if they re-
configure the ratio and composition."
Ilva's eyes narrowed. "Is there an alternative method that you and
Shiseo have in mind?"
Helena swallowed, trying not to squirm. "We have an idea, but it's
purely theoretical. We don't have enough nullium to test it."
"And it is . . ."
Helena's stomach knotted. She hated these kinds of conversations.
"Given the alloy's behaviour and how resonance is used, making it
into a weapon or injecting nullium into the blood is less effective than
simply targeting the limbs with it. If that kind of interference was fo-
cused near the hands, it would be almost impossible for an alchemist to
accurately sense their resonance. Shiseo thinks that if the alloy were
paired with something that has a high, sharp resonance point—like
copper processed with a high level of lumithium emanations—that
could create a type of interference that would suppress most kinds of
resonance regardless of the alchemist's repertoire."
"How would we counter that?" Ilva leaned forward with interest.
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 536SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 536 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 537
"Well, any good metallurgist could, if they were comfortable work-
ing without resonance. But that's not something most Paladian metal-
lurgists have ever had to worry about."
"Fortunate, then, that you fished those shards out of Ferron," Ilva
said, although the sentiment was hardly reflected by her tone.
Helena gave a tight nod. "Here's his report," she said, pushing the
envelope across the table.
Ilva plucked it up and dropped it into a drawer.
"And I—" Helena hesitated, heat rising to her hairline and the tips
of her ears. "He gave me a set of daggers as a solstice gift, using the
titanium- nickel alloy."
She pulled out the oilcloth and opened it on the desk for Ilva's in-
spection. Ilva raised an eyebrow, glancing for a moment before flicking
the cloth to cover them as if she found the mere sight distasteful.
Helena's stomach dropped and she wrapped them up quickly, wish-
ing she hadn't shown them without being asked. "It's a good sign, isn't
it?"
Ilva tilted her, studying Helena for a moment. "Ferron's climbing
rank," she said as she reached into a drawer and pulled out a file, drop-
ping it onto the desk. "Did you know?"
Helena's heart stalled. She had noticed his uniform was darker.
"It seems he's already surpassed everything he'd ever achieved prior
to that injury of his. He controls several extremely valuable districts.
Recently he's taken over the factory Outpost where you've been visiting
him, consolidating power at a remarkable speed. It seems all our recent
successes have benefitted him greatly."
Ilva tapped a fingernail on the desk, looking up at Helena with a
cold smile.
"I didn't know," Helena said.
Ilva shook her head. "No, I didn't imagine so. I'm beginning to worry
whether you remember what he is."
Helena's breath caught, but Ilva continued, flipping through page
after page in the file before her.
"There have been rumours for months that Morrough has a new
weapon. We thought it was a chimaera, like the one that nearly killed
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 537SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 537 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
538 • SenLinYu
Lila, or the nullium, but no. It's neither of those things, is it?" Ilva folded
her hands, looking squarely at Helena. "How is it that he's still alive?"
"Crowther told me to do what I could."
Ilva's eyes flicked down from Helena's face to her neck, where the
chain of her necklace was barely visible beneath her collar. Helena went
very still.
"You know, Ferron's not our only spy," Ilva said, "We have a number
of informants. Based on their reports, following the recovery of the
ports, he was punished. Extensively. He was dying. I was assured of that."
"You knew?" Helena asked, her voice shook. "You knew what they
did to him, and you—you didn't tell me?"
Ilva stared piercingly at her. "Why would we have told you?"
Helena could hardly speak. "Is that why the attack was so elaborate
and used so much of the intelligence? Because you expected he'd be
killed for it. Because you wanted him killed for it."
Ilva said nothing, but now Kaine's resentment and disbelief when
Helena kept coming back began to made sense.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Helena's voice trembled with rage.
Ilva's lips pursed, her eyes flicking across Helena's face. "You've al-
ways been— remarkably forthright." A smile stretched across her lips.
"That's why Luc trusts you so much. If we'd told you the plan, do you
really think you could have gone, knowing, without giving any sign to
Ferron?"
Helena begun to tremble. She gripped the arms of her chair as the
room blurred.
"We assumed you'd realise it," Ilva added. "When it became clear
that you hadn't—that you felt some sort of obligation to him—we
agreed to let you try to heal him in the hope that once you realised the
futility of it, you'd be able to bring his talisman back."
Ilva cleared her throat. "So you can imagine our surprise that he has
not only survived but become more dangerous than ever before, that
treacherous spy of ours. How did you do it?"
Helena swallowed hard. "We were losing, and it was only because of
him that we could retake the ports. He did that for us. You didn't see
him the day I went back. He knew he'd be punished; he expected to
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 538SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 538 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 539
die." She gave a panicked breath. "If you wanted him dead, you should
have told me. Crowther said to do what I could."
"What did you do?" Ilva had become impossibly more tense. "Did
you— " Her lips thinned, her eyes flickering to the chain around Hele-
na's neck once more. "Did you use something to manage it?"
Helena squeezed her hand into a fist. "I assumed that if you had to
choose between the two of us, you'd want him."
Ilva's face went white.
"So I used the amulet you gave me, I thought it—"
"You gave the amulet to him?" The question was almost a shriek.
Helena had never heard Ilva raise her voice. "No, I—"
"Do you still have it or not?"
Helena's stomach twisted into a tight knot as she reached up, pulling
the chain over her head. "I have the amulet, but the sunstone is gone."
Ilva snatched it from her so quickly, the chain ripped open Helena's
kidskin glove. Ilva pressed her thumb against the centre where the stone
was missing, staring in horror before looking at her. "What did you do?"
Helena swallowed nervously. "It broke and this—substance came
out. Like quicksilver, and— it— it fused with Ferron."
There was a ghastly silence. Ilva looked so stunned she said nothing,
just looked at the amulet again, as if the stone could magically remate-
rialise. Finally, Helena couldn't bear it anymore.
"If you didn't want him healed, you should have told me."
Ilva didn't reply, just stared at the amulet in her hand. "Do you know
the story of the Stone of the Heavens?" she finally said, still running her
thumb over the empty setting.
Dread swept through Helena like a tidal wave.
"No," she said, shaking her head. "It's a myth. Everyone knows that
was a misinterpretation. Luc said it wasn't real."
"Every choice I have made was to protect Luc," Ilva said. She wasn't
talking to Helena so much as speaking aloud or perhaps to the amulet
in her hand. "I was never trained to be a steward, to bear the weight of
this legacy. I was happy with my role, but Luc was too young for all this.
I've tried to make the best choices I could."
Ilva looked up at Helena. "When your—vivimancy made its appear-
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 539SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 539 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
540 • SenLinYu
ance, I thought I'd been given my way forward. That Sol had provided a
fail-safe so that I could protect him. Of course there was still the poli-
tics of it to contend with. Matias did not make it easy. With all the
concessions he demanded, I was concerned about the Toll taking you
too prematurely. That amulet had been locked away for centuries, lying
idle as generations of Holdfasts protected it. I'd hoped this war might
rouse it to do something."
"What was it?" Helena asked.
Ilva stood, seizing her cane so tightly that her swollen knuckles
showed white as she walked past Helena to look out the window, look-
ing out towards the Alchemy Tower.
"My family built this Institute and this city to ensure that necro-
mancy would never come to power again. They gave their lives to that
cause and kept countless secrets to that end."
Ilva fell silent for a long time. Helena didn't dare speak.
"Have you heard the stories of Rivertide?"
Rivertide was the name of Paladia back before the first Necromancy
War. It had been wiped out by a plague, and when the Necromancer
found it, he'd used the corpses for his army.
"There was no plague," Ilva said, still not looking back. "Orion called
it a plague because it was kinder than immortalising what truly hap-
pened to them all." She pressed her hand, still clutching the amulet
against her chest. "The Necromancer realised the alchemical potential
of the area and came to Rivertide specifically because of the people liv-
ing here."
"He killed them?" Helena couldn't understand the purpose of that
secret. That the Necromancer massacred Rivertide was even more be-
lievable than a story of finding a convenient town of corpses.
Ilva shook her head. "No, they're still alive, to this day."
Helena stared at her, not understanding.
"The Necromancer was a vivimancer, just like you, but the ability was
even more mythical back then. He came to Rivertide performing mira-
cles. They thought he was a god. They built him a temple on the plateau,
gave him everything he asked for, and he promised them immortality if
they only had the faith for it. Then one day, he brought them all to-
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 540SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 540 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 541
gether in a great assembly, in a secret place he'd carved underground,
and declared that if they trusted him fully, utterly, he could make them
live forever. I'm not sure of the process; but afterwards, his temple was
full of corpses, and their souls were bound together, synthesised into
this— substance. He used it, the power, to reanimate them all."
Ilva began to pace, her steps jerky, her cane trembling in her hand;
she was too agitated to be still. "When Orion fought the Necromancer,
the souls were still conscious, aware of the betrayal exacted upon them—
that the gift of 'immortality' came at the price of eternal enslavement.
During the battle, the Necromancer's control slipped, and the Stone
turned on him. There was a light as bright as the sun. It filled the valley,
destroying the Necromancer and all the necrothralls in a wave of fire.
When it was over, Orion and his followers were all that remained." Ilva
shook her head. "If the truth of the Stone's nature were known, Orion
feared that others might be inspired to rediscover the methods, and so,
when those who'd witnessed the battle called the Stone a gift from Sol,
Orion had no choice but to let them believe it."
Ilva paused, her expression mournful.
"It's all a lie?"
Ilva whirled on her, looking furious. "What else could he do?"
Helena stood up, ready to ignite. "Tell the truth! You don't get to
make up history to suit your preferences. Do you realise what you've
done? Luc thinks he's supposed to be earning a miracle. That the reason
he hasn't already won this war is because he hasn't suffered or been
enough like Orion to earn it, and that's his fault. But there will never be
a miracle that will save us. You're torturing him to death on a lie."
"That's why I am making him miracles," Ilva snapped back. She
looked equally incensed, as if Helena were the traitor. "You think I want
him to suffer? I want to tell him, but when is there time for that?" She
swept her arm out. "Apollo should have been the one to tell him—when
he was old enough, and ready for it all. There's a process to it, but all that
was destroyed when Ferron murdered Apollo and brought this war
upon us. All I can do is try to make that faith real and keep him from
losing hope."
The whole city, the Principate, the Faith, the history, every mural,
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 541SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 541 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
542 • SenLinYu
every amulet. All lies.
"You have to tell Luc the truth. You can't keep doing this to him."
"And what do you think would happen if he knows that no help is
coming? What will he have then?" Ilva glared at her. "That is too great
a risk, but now thanks to you, I am left with nothing but terrible choices."
Helena set her jaw, too angry to accept the fault. "Why would you
give me something like that without explaining what it was?"
Ilva's eyes flashed. "Because I was trying to save you, spare you. I
thought maybe the damned thing could manage that much, and it
seemed that it did. But when Ferron made his offer, Crowther said it
was the only chance we had left. I considered taking it back that night.
I could have, after what you'd said before the Council, but I remem-
bered your face when I first put it on you. I thought you treasured it
enough to have sense. You stupid, stupid girl." All the strength seemed
to suddenly leave Ilva, and she nearly collapsed into a seat.
"You don't get to lie to me and then get angry when I make the mis-
take of believing you," Helena said. "If the Stone's that special, why not
let Luc use it."
Ilva's expression twisted bitterly. "It doesn't serve the Holdfasts." She
looked away from Helena, jaw set. "Even in Orion's own hands, it was
hard and cold, never bestowing its power or favour upon anyone of the
Holdfast line. There have been a few whom it would warm to, but it
always went cold eventually. And you of all people had it. You could
have done anything, and you healed Ferron with it."
"So sorry I wasn't the puppet you wanted," Helena said bitterly,
standing. She felt as if the entire world had dropped out from beneath
her feet; she had no idea how to navigate this newfound reality. After so
much time being maligned for her lack of faith, it was all an invention.
She wasn't sure what was real. Even being given to Kaine had been an
elaborate con.
It had never been about securing Kaine's loyalty, but simply about
giving the earnest appearance that she was trying to.
And Luc. Her heart ached. What would he do if he learned the
truth?
Could she tell him this? After all she'd omitted over the years, was
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 542SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 542 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 543
she going to come clean by destroying everything he believed in?
She couldn't. There was too much at stake, and Ilva knew that.
Helena paused as she reached the door. "In the future, perhaps tell
me what you want instead of expecting me to fail where it's convenient
to you. Maybe then we'll both end up less disappointed in each other."
"You want honesty?" Ilva's voice was viperous. "I want you to kill
Kaine Ferron."
Helena froze, turning slowly back.
Ilva met her eyes. She was composed again, chilly as a lake. "He was
always going to die, but I want you to do it. You created this new threat
to Luc, so you will put an end to it."
"He hasn't done anything to betray us."
"He murdered my nephew." Ilva's voice cracked like a whip, and
Helena saw the fury and hatred that the woman kept so carefully con-
cealed. It rose like a beast from inside her. "You want to what? To wait
and see who he'll kill next? Whose life are you prepared to gamble on
that?"
Her chest clenched. "You can't ask me to betray—"
"Why not? What has he done for you, Marino, except play you like
the fool you are? Are a few trinkets all your loyalty costs?" Ilva's eyes
flicked derisively to the oilcloth still clutched in Helena's hand. "If Fer-
ron wanted you, he would have taken you by now. You're just a toy; he
winds you up and watches you spin."
"No. I'm making progress. A little more time and I'll have him just
the way Crowther wants him."
Ilva gave a disbelieving laugh. "Crowther was delusional, thinking to
use you to tame Ferron. You cannot bring a mad dog to heel." She shook
her head. "But very well, you're welcome to refuse; it doesn't matter, we
have more than enough evidence of his treachery. Jan has been assem-
bling a comprehensive package. It would be a trivial matter to send
along to the Undying. I suppose you could say the case is ironclad. Do
you prefer that? Do you think they'll kill him this time?"
Helena's chest felt as if it had been punched through. "You can't do
that to him."
Ilva was unmoved. "Why not? It would be fitting, no? After every-
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 543SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 543 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
544 • SenLinYu
thing he's done. I'd say he more than deserves it."
Helena realised then what she should have realised long before, that
Ilva had always wanted revenge. Crowther looked at the civil war and
saw all the political machinations of the surrounding countries; Ilva's
game of war was equally intricate, but hers was wholly personal. It was
about Luc, it was about her family's legacy, and it was about revenge.
Crowther had been the ambitious one who'd wanted Helena to
make Kaine loyal, something utilised in the long term. That had never
been Ilva's goal.
"We need him, though. We've only come this far because of him. If
we lose him, if things start falling apart again, people will blame Luc for
that."
Ilva gave a thin smile. "Fortunately for us, Ferron has made himself
quite the integral figure among the Undying in recent months. With
him suddenly gone, the destabilisation will be widespread."
"You can't do this," Helena said.
"I am trying to save everyone, Marino." Her voice crackled with in-
tensity. "That includes you. No matter how you've romanticised him,
Kaine Ferron is not a person. He is a monster." Ilva pressed her hand
over her heart, a gesture many people made when alluding to Apollo.
"He and his family should have been dealt with long ago, but Pol wor-
ried about how the guilds might react. He let that boy attend the Insti-
tute despite the suspicions surrounding his birth, and look how that
kindness was repaid. I will not make that mistake with Luc."
"Please, Ilva, I can make him loyal. I just need more time."
Ilva stared at her. "Are you choosing Ferron over Luc? Over all the
vows you made?"
The question stopped her cold.
"No," Helena said quickly. "No," she said again, her voice breaking. "I
am loyal. But"—her throat worked several times—"if I had proof that
he was loyal, that he'd do whatever you wanted, would you let him live?
I swear, if I can't, I will—I will kill him. But, if he was loyal, he could be
useful."
"Please, Ilva." Her voice shook.
Ilva gave a small sigh and looked tired. "If you can present Ferron on
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 544SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 544 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 545
his knees, crawling, willing to do anything, within a month, I'll let you
keep him." Then she shook her head. "But be honest with yourself.
There's no such thing as loyalty in his kind. The Ferrons are as corrupt-
ible as the iron they hold so dear."
There was pressure in her throat like a stone, but Helena forced her-
self to speak. "I'll do it. One way or another. I'll finish it. Don't let
Crowther send what he has."
Ilva had leaned forward on her desk, the chain from the empty amu-
let dangling between her fingers. "One month, Marino."
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 545SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 545 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
CHAPTER 46
Decembris 1786
A month. The days felt branded into her bones. Helena
couldn't sleep that night. The future haunted her. There was an Ember
Service before first light as Falcon Matias consecrated the coming year
to Sol's guidance, and then Helena began her hospital shift.
She felt cornered, as if the world were closing in, and there was no
escape. No one to turn to.
She tried to push her dread down using animancy, but it consumed
her utterly; every thought led to the same despair.
When her shift was over, she went to the desk to see if she could
perhaps stay on for the next one. Surely someone would rather celebrate
solstice, and Helena could keep busy.
Purnell was on duty at the hospital desk, wearing a pin with sofia p
etched into it. Helena tensed at the sight of her, and before she could
speak, Purnell held out a slip of paper.
"The steward said to give you this when your shift was over."
Helena hesitated a moment before reading it.
There were only a few words. As thanks for all her hard work, Ilva
had ensured Helena could have a few hours off to attend the solstice
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 546SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 546 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 547
celebrations at Solis Splendour. Luc would be present and happy to see
her. Rhea was expecting her.
Helena stared dully at the obvious manipulation.
Ilva was losing her touch. Or perhaps Helena was finally getting
wise to her.
She put on the green wool that Rhea had gifted her over her uni-
form and made her way to Solis Splendour. It was already dark, the year
and the sun both preparing for rebirth.
In four weeks, Kaine would be dead.
She barely knocked on the door, but it swung immediately open, and
warmth and light, music and laughter all spilled out. She squinted,
dazed. Had she knocked at the wrong house?
"Marino? I didn't know you were coming." It was Alister, one of the
boys from Luc's unit. He held the door for her. "Come in. We've got
loads of food."
Helena entered, feeling as if she'd somehow stepped out of reality
into a dreamlike version of Solis Splendour. The house was lively, deco-
rated with tinsel and streamers and bits of evergreen, and the children
ran through like a pack of feral puppies.
She knew the faces, recognised people, but everything felt different.
Wrong.
Why was everyone so happy?
There was music from a gramophone and drunken laughter filling
the next room. A mug of mulled wine was shoved into her hands before
she'd gotten across the room, and she sipped it on instinct. It was warm
and sweet, instead of sour and watery from being stretched.
The signs of their access to the ports and river trade were every-
where, but all she could think was Kaine did this, remembering the
wounds lacerating his back, the dead tissue rotting and poisoning him.
He'd been gaunt and grey, paper-thin, and he'd just wanted to know if
it worked.
The room blurred. She wandered in a daze until she caught sight of
Titus Bayard sitting cross-legged on the floor, peeling oranges. They
must have come all way the from the southern coast. There was a small
mountain of peeled fruit on the table beside him.
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 547SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 547 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
548 • SenLinYu
Helena searched for other familiar faces.
Lila was sitting crammed in an armchair with Soren, who was wear-
ing the expression of a beleaguered cat.
Ever since her injury, Soren let her get away with anything. Lila had
made a complete, and stunningly rapid, recovery and acted as if the
entire thing had been overblown. When she'd learned about Luc's at-
tempts to disregard orders, they'd had an explosive argument. Helena
had only heard gossip, but it had been bad enough that the entire unit
had been held on reserve for several weeks until things simmered down.
Things seemed better now but Helena couldn't help but feel that
somehow Soren was the one most irrevocably damaged by the attack.
One of the unavoidable bits of Bayard lore that Helena had heard
many times over the years was the fact that Soren was older than Lila.
Twenty minutes the elder twin. The disparity of age was treated as
gravely significant in matters of hierarchy in times past.
It was mostly a joke, but Helena suspected that Soren took it more
seriously than he let on. Paladin primary or not, Lila wasn't only his
twin, she was his younger sister.
Luc was playing cards with a group of convalescent soldiers, and Lila
and Soren both watched him, Lila's leg swinging back and forth, the
gears making a soft click, click, click.
Helena knelt down next to Titus, trying to complete her list of obli-
gations quickly so she could leave. The mood of the house was so dis-
sonant it made her feel ill.
"Hello, Titus," Helena said, following the script she always did. "Do
you mind if I look inside your head a little bit?"
He didn't react. She slipped a glove off, touching the scar along his
temple. She closed her eyes as she reached with her resonance, and it
was all the same except Helena was not the same. Her techniques and
understanding of the mind had changed in a year. There were patterns
of energy that she had not understood the intricacies of before.
Now she could sense where her errors lay. She had transmuted tissue
without knowing how to follow the currents of energy that carried the
mind through the brain matter.
Of course Titus was often unresponsive, his mind limited; she'd
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 548SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 548 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 549
hemmed him inside his own consciousness.
The connection between them snapped as Titus suddenly shoved her
hand away. His face was contorted, the orange in his hand crushed into
pulp. He shook his head several times as if trying to clear it.
Helena stared at him, her eyes searching as he scooted away from
her, his expression unsettled. She pulled her glove back on automati-
cally.
Was it possible that she could cure him? She was almost afraid to
think it. She had to be certain before she brought the possibility to
Rhea. She couldn't break her heart again.
She was startled from her thoughts at a burst of laughter.
She slipped into another room that was quieter and less crowded,
trying to collect herself in a window alcove that was cooler, the drapes
creating a barrier from all the noise.
"Helena."
She looked up to see Penny Fabien slipping into the alcove with her.
"I thought it was you slipping in here," Penny said. "Are you all right?
You looked upset."
Penny was a year older. She'd been the dorm monitor for Helena's
room during their Institute days.
"Just a bit close in there," Helena said, looking away. "Did something
happen?"
Penny looked at her. "What do you mean?"
"Why is everyone so happy?"
Penny blinked with surprise. "We're happy because the war's almost
over."
Helena stared at her in bewilderment.
The war wasn't almost over. They didn't even have a plan to win. Six
years of fighting for survival while waiting for a miracle that would
never come.
"Weren't you at the Ember Service?" Penny asked. "Falcon Matias
was talking about the stages of transmutation, how each one correlates
to a period in the war, and how we're nearly to the final transformation
where the soul becomes truly purified. Think about it. A year ago, we
were hemmed in around Headquarters, no supplies, barely enough ra-
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 549SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 549 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
550 • SenLinYu
tions to keep fighting, and now we've retaken the entire East Island. The
ports. All because we had faith."
Helena had not paid any attention to Matias during the service. All
she'd heard was Ilva's voice in her ears, saying a month over and over.
"What?" Helena's voice came out strangled.
A look of sympathy swept across Penny's face. "I guess you're not
really out there at the front, are you? You must not have any idea. Things
have been going so well this year." Penny's face was alight. "It's because
we passed the test. We held firm and didn't let our fears corrupt us, and
now Sol is bestowing his favour. We can't lose now."
Helena flinched as if she'd been struck and stared at Penny in such
abject shock that Penny's smile faded, and a look of comprehension and
discomfort suddenly swept across her face.
"Oh, right . . ." Penny said, wringing her hands. "I heard about what
happened with you and the Council. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply
anything about your soul—"
Helena's jaw started trembling uncontrollably, and then it spread
until her whole body was shaking.
Penny stepped towards her, stroking her arm. "Don't feel bad. I'm
sure you—meant well. We've all hit points when we think anything
would be worth it to make it all stop. Just think of how much things
turned around after that. Maybe you were—a final test for us."
Helena was going insane. She was about to start screaming right
there in the alcove. She had never imagined this possibility.
They thought the war was being won because her proposal of necro-
mancy had been so sharply reprimanded that the Resistance passed
some final spiritual test, and all the success of the last year was a reward
for it?
Without even realising it, she'd proven their mythos. No matter
what happened now, no one would ever listen to her. She was cast for-
ever into the role of doubter, of tempter. Standing there, she suddenly
remembered the odd expression in Ilva's and Crowther's eyes as she was
censured and dismissed. What a perfect opportunity she'd given them
in that moment.
No wonder Ilva had told her the truth about Orion. She knew that
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 550SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 550 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 551
no one would ever believe Helena's claims.
Now Ilva wanted one last trick.
Kill Kaine. Bury the evidence, the true means of their success. Create
one more miracle.
Helena forced herself to breathe. It came out as choking gasp. Penny
pulled her suddenly into a tight hug.
"It's all right," Penny was saying, as if Helena were a child who
needed soothing. "We all make mistakes. Don't feel bad, it's all right
now." Penny patted her back. "You know what, the real trouble is that
you're too isolated. With everyone at the front and you always in the
hospital, you never get to see how it really is."
"I guess so," Helena said dully. "That must be it."
Penny was nodding as she stepped back. "It's all right. You just stay
with me. I'll make sure no one bothers you."
Helena was too dazed to resist as Penny pulled her out of the alcove
into another room where Alister was currently playing the piano. Soren
was now playing a card game in the corner, and Lila had disappeared.
Several people, including Luc, were crowded around the piano singing.
Penny installed Helena on a sofa and then, after trying to coax her into
joining, went over to the piano, too.
Helena sat tense, waiting for Penny to grow distracted so she could
slip away, but before she could, Luc caught sight of her and immediately
left the group.
He dropped onto the seat next to her. "I'm glad you're still here. I was
afraid you'd snuck out already."
She gave a mute shake of her head.
"You all right?" he asked.
"Tired is all."
He leaned forward. "Your trainees not pulling their weight?"
"No, they're fine. Just—always seems to be something new to do."
"I don't know, I think you like being busy." There was a teasing note
in his voice.
Helena's stomach clenched into a hard knot. "Maybe so," she man-
aged to say.
Soren slunk over and slid over the arm of the sofa into the space on
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 551SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 551 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
552 • SenLinYu
the other side of Helena. "You two have to hide me. Someone told
Mum we were gambling."
"You're dead," Luc said with a laugh. "Did you manage to win at
least?"
Soren shook his head mournfully. "Fuck me, why's Lila coming over
here?"
"Language in your mother's house," Luc tsked, "and as your precious
sister approaches."
"Fuck off."
Lila was headed in their direction with a large, intricate box hanging
from her neck. She stopped in front of them. "Mum has me on photo
duty." She tapped the contraption.
Soren groaned.
"Sit up and hold still. This thing is finicky." Lila was peering into the
apparatus, adjusting lenses, shifting back and forth. "Soren, don't you
have a spine somewhere? How do you manage to slouch in armour.
You're folded up behind Helena like a wet noodle. Luc, poke him, would
you?"
Luc reached behind Helena and obliged.
"Much better." Lila grinned, and Luc instantly did, too. "Right. No
serious faces, it's solstice. Be cheery."
They stared at the contraption, and just before the click, Luc's arm
wrapped around Helena's shoulders, squeezing tight. Helena tried to
force the corners of her mouth up as the camera flashed.
Luc moaned, shielding his eyes. "Sol's light, I think I'm going blind."
"Soren, Mum wants a picture of you and Dad." Lila peeled a reluc-
tant Soren off the sofa and dragged him into the next room.
Helena watched them go and felt as though her chest were being
crushed. Her hands were clenched into fists so tight, the leather bit at
her knuckles.
"Are you thinking about your father?" Luc asked quietly.
She hadn't been, but perhaps that was what was wrong with her. She
should think more about all the people who were dead, whose common
trait was the way their life had overlapped with hers.
Whether or not vivimancy was a curse, she was becoming quite sure
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 552SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 552 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 553
that she was one.
"Hel, what's wrong?" Luc touched her arm.
She looked at him and realised that she was being forced to choose.
Luc or Kaine? She could only save one. She had to choose Luc, but it
was going to kill her to do it.
"I have to go." She started to stand.
"No, you don't." He wrapped his fingers around her hand. "You al-
ways say that, but I'm not letting up this time. Stay with us."
He gave a teasing, pleading smile.
He'd always had a terrible talent for persistence. From the very start
when he'd found her crying after her first class because the lecturer's
Northern dialect was thick and spoken so quickly.
He'd coaxed the whole thing out of her in a dusty corner of the li-
brary. The next week, the lecturer had talked slower and wrote all the
key terms on the board so Helena could copy them down and look
them up. Having Luc in her life had always felt like magic.
There'd been no reason for him to go out of his way for her, but he
had, and then he kept doing it. He'd just picked her out on that first day
and decided she was the friend he wanted. And if that required sitting
for hours in the library while she did homework, even though he hated
homework, that was what he'd do.
She couldn't imagine her time at the Institute without him. It was
like imagining the world without the sun in it.
"Come on now, what's wrong?" he asked, leaning in so their heads
were together.
Everything. Everything was wrong and it was going to be wrong
forever, and it wasn't their fault but they were paying for it. She couldn't
tell him that; it would be too cruel to rip everything away, to expose the
lie that was his whole life when it was all he had.
"Everyone seems so happy," she finally said. "It makes me afraid."
He nodded slowly, his worry clearing. "I know, it's hard to believe it
might be over soon. Doesn't feel real." He nudged her with his shoulder.
"That's why it's so important to have people that ground you." He
glanced towards the next room where Lila and Soren were kneeling
beside their father as Rhea snapped a photo. "When it doesn't seem
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 553SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 553 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
554 • SenLinYu
possible, it helps to think about everything I'm waiting for."
Helena's chest clenched, wondering what fantasy Luc had spun for
himself to get up each day.
When she said nothing, he gave her a sidelong grin. "We'll finally go
on our trip. Once everything's over and settled, Ilva can manage a bit
longer. It won't be the big trip like we said, but if we wait for the Abey-
ance, we could take a fast ship to Etras and spend at least a week there
before the tides come back. I've always wanted to see the lost cities. I've
still got your map on the wall."
"That's not going to happen, Luc," she said, her voice low. Even if he
had to believe in this lie, she couldn't be a part of it. She couldn't live as
a prop in this deceit.
"What?"
She looked down at her gloved hands, as emptiness hollowed her
lungs.
She swallowed hard. "When this is all over, I don't want you to think
of us as friends anymore. I think it will be better that way for both of
us."
"Why?" He looked horrified.
"Because I'm not your friend anymore. Your friend Helena Marino
died in a field hospital six years ago. She doesn't exist anymore. I need
you to let her go."
He didn't though. Luc caught her hand again. His face was stricken,
and he was so beautiful.
Even in the depth of winter, he looked limned in sunlight. Divine or
not, the Holdfasts had a look as if they were born to be immortalised in
marble. Like the sun, born for eternity.
Helena was not a planet or any celestial thing. She was just a human
bound tight to the present, to the brevity of existence, and she could feel
time running out.
"No. I won't let you go," he said, "I can't. Hel, just tell me what's
wrong, and I'll fix it. You and me, we're friends forever."
She pulled away from him, shaking her head.
All Luc knew was Paladia, alchemy, and the Eternal Flame, with
their ideals about the refinement of fire, of trials and sacrifice, the purity
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 554SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 554 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 555
of suffering. That it would be worthwhile eventually, in the next life if
not this one.
Maybe if Helena were at the front, she could believe in all that, too.
But she'd spent every day of the last six years watching people die. She
lived in the aftermath of every battle, breathed in the devastation until
she was drowning in it. Nothing and no one would ever convince her
that anything noble or purifying could come from this scale of suffering.
That any rewards could ever be worth it.
To trick people into embracing it was cruelty. But how could she tell
Luc that? That none of it had ever meant anything. That the miracles he
believed in were mere sleights of hand, bought and paid for with be-
trayal. She couldn't.
"If I was ever your friend, let me go now." She jerked her hand free
and fled the house.
Her heart was beating so hard, it hurt. The blood pounded in her ears
until she could barely hear the wind, the cold slicing across her cheeks.
Snowflakes fell, spiralling onto the street.
She paused and looked up at the sky.
It was supposed to be good luck, snow on the solstice. A brightening
of the longest night.
She stood watching it fall until her hands and feet were numb with
cold. She wanted to stay there and freeze to death. She'd read it was a
gentle way to go, like falling asleep.
The beacon of the Eternal Flame burned overhead. She turned, put-
ting her back to it, wandering without destination. There was nowhere
to go. Her life was so small. Beyond the gates of the Institute, she was
homeless.
She followed the only route she knew by heart.
It was eerily still on the Outpost. The snow-heavy clouds had a dim
silver glow from the moons. She'd always found the Outpost so ugly
next to the elegant, natural lines of the island's architecture, but now she
found the brutality of the towering steel, concrete walls, and jutting
smokestacks fitting. She didn't want to be somewhere beautiful.
There was no pretence on the Outpost, no ornamentation to distract
the eye; it didn't hide what it was. Which was more than she could say
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 555SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 555 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
556 • SenLinYu
about the city or Institute.
A lie. All of it a lie, the celestial emblems that decorated the island,
all those murals and paintings of the Holdfasts, the sun always rising
with them. All lies.
Her face grew numb, but she couldn't bring herself to turn back. She
went towards the tenement.
The door unlocked easily even though her fingers were stiff. The
wind rattled the windows.
She sat at the table, resting her head on the edge, and closed her eyes.
The door banged open.
Her head shot up, and she stared in astonishment at the sight of
Kaine in the doorway.
There was ice flecking his hair, lashes, and eyebrows, as if he'd come
through a blizzard.
His eyes found her instantly, scanning her from head to toe. She
stared back at him, a feeling like hunger rising inside her.
"What is it?" he asked as the door closed behind him. "Did some-
thing happen?"
"How did you know I was here?"
He levelled her with a hard stare. "I keep an eye on this place."
Of course. Just because she hadn't seen necrothralls didn't mean they
hadn't seen her.
"Why are you here?" he asked again, scanning her from head to toe
once more. "And unarmed, I might add."
She'd hidden the knives in the lab. It would raise more questions
than she could possibly answer if anyone saw them, and after Ilva's reac-
tion, they felt too personal to let anyone see them.
"I—didn't know I was coming here. I didn't have anywhere else to
go."
"If it wasn't on Resistance business, you shouldn't have come here."
She nodded jerkily. Of course he was right. She should have just
gone to the bridge.
And jumped.
No. She blinked the thought away. The whole reason Ilva and
Crowther had lied to her for so long was because they knew Kaine
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 556SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 556 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 557
would see straight through her. Her feelings were always stamped right
on her face.
"You're right. Sorry," she said, her voice so hoarse it was barely more
than a whisper. "I'll go."
She moved slowly, careful not to look at him, but as she passed, his
fingers hooked around her arm, swinging her around. Her back was
against the wall as he stared her square in the face.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing." She looked down quickly. His gaze was like a brand on
the top of her head. "I just came because I was—worried about you."
He scoffed. "Since when have you worried about me?"
She looked up without thinking.
His expression was hard. Defensive. The ice in his hair had melted
into tiny droplets of water that trembled, glittering like stars on his face.
"I don't know," she confessed. The habit had crept up on her without
her realising.
He scoffed. "And now, what? You suddenly can't help yourself ?"
"I came because I wanted to see you." She realised only as she said it
that it was the truth. That was why she'd come.
His throat dipped. "Why?"
Her chest tightened. "I'm afraid that someday I'll come, and you—
you won't be here."
He went still, his eyes darting across her face. His expression wa-
vered, something she couldn't decipher flickering in his eyes. He gave a
low laugh. "Is this goodbye then, Marino?"
The question jolted through her, and she reached out, grabbing hold
of him. "No! No."
A month.
She swallowed hard. "I got worried, and I—didn't have anywhere
else to go."
She'd said that already. She felt so stupid, so blindly trusting. And
she was too late, too slow; there wasn't enough time left.
His right hand rested on her shoulder, heat seeping through her. She
bit down on her lip, swallowing hard.
"You always have to come back," she said. "All right? Don't die.
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 557SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 557 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
558 • SenLinYu
Promise— "
Her voice failed.
"Marino, what's wrong?" He tried to step back, but she wouldn't let
go.
"Nothing! I just spent a lot of time making that medical kit for you,
and I did spend an hour teaching you how t-to use it, so— I think it
would be really ungrateful if you—d- died."
He gave a hollow laugh and stepped closer so that his chin grazed
the top of her head. He gave a sigh that was almost despairing.
"All right . . ." he said, "but only because you asked."
The words ran through her like a knife through the chest.
She'd thought for so long that she could do anything. For the war.
For Luc. That she had it within her to pay any price. Now she'd found
her limit.
Kaine wasn't innocent, but he wouldn't deserve what would happen
to him if he were caught. Even if she could rip out his talisman and take
it back with her, he wouldn't be dead. He'd just be in some cursed limbo
inside Morrough.
His hand slipped away from her shoulder. He stepped back, and
there was a strained look in his eyes.
"You shouldn't have come here," he said. "I thought there was an
emergency. If you show up like this for no reason, you risk my cover. I
have to guess whether or not I need to respond."
It wasn't until he told her about Blackthorne that she'd even begun
to consider the magnitude of the risk Kaine was taking. Crowther and
Ilva had kept her so focused on the danger that Kaine represented to
them, she'd never considered the threat they were to him.
The blood drained from her head. She'd always thought of him as so
much safer than her, that she was the one taking all the risks, venturing
out into enemy territory, mortal as could be. That wasn't an accurate way
to view it at all. The Resistance spies and scouts often carried cyanide
pills to escape interrogation if their capture was inevitable. That wasn't
an option for him.
Even if he ran, hid, it wouldn't matter, because Morrough had the
phylactery. He'd be far safer if he only ever sent the necrothralls, but he
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 558SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 558 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 559
was here right now. He'd come because she had.
Why couldn't Ilva see the significance of that?
"I'm sorry," she said. "I won't do it again."
He looked doubtful.
"I swear," she said. "If I ever come back, it'll be legitimate."
He gave a sharp nod. "You've given your word. I'll trust you to keep
it."
Her stomach clenched. Don't trust me. Don't trust the Eternal Flame.
We're all liars.
She gave a small nod.
When he was gone, Helena stood alone. The windows were rattled
by the wind, but she lingered, growing cold and colder, wondering what
to do.
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 559SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 559 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
CHAPTER 47
Janua 1787
When Helena returned to the Outpost the next week,
the room was covered in some kind of thick drop cloth that padded the
floor and bunched up around the door when she tried to push it open.
Ferron was already there, his cloak and coat stripped off, dressed
down, and his shirt sleeves were rolled past the elbows. She froze.
Northerners were all so pale that they nearly glowed in the winter-
time, while Helena turned sallow and sickly looking without sunlight.
She missed the warm southern sun so much, sometimes her skin ached
for it.
"I'm not training you for a battlefield," Kaine said. "The point of all
this is to ensure you have the skills to get away. At this point, you should
be fine around necrothralls as long there aren't too many, but if you run
into one of the Undying, they will pursue, and you'll be lucky if they
only kill you."
She gave a stiff nod.
"Your reflexes are passable now, but an actual fight is different. There
are no rules; it's close and dirty. Every second it takes you to attack or to
get into position is a point against you. Time will never be on your side.
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 560SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 560 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 561
Your sole advantage is that they'll underestimate you, but you'll only get
that advantage once."
Why was it that every time he uttered anything vaguely complimen-
tary, he had to couch it with six criticisms?
"Right."
He looked at her sidelong. "You're hardly built for combat or par-
ticularly strong, but you can use that to your advantage. Looking at you,
no one will see you as a threat. They're likely to send thralls after you
first, but if they see your abilities, you'll be in real danger." He gave her
a once-over. "I don't particularly fancy being extensively stabbed today,
so we'll be using practice daggers."
He picked up a set from the table, tossing them.
Helena fumbled and caught them. They were light, about the same
size and weight as her set, but wooden. She squeezed. It was strange,
not having any resonance.
"Your goal is to either escape and knock on the wall three times—
we'll count that as getting away—or else contact enough to form a res-
onance channel. We'll consider that a hit. You know what to do after
that."
It sounded overly simple, but it was the first time they were properly
sparring. He probably wanted to start easy.
"Now, imagine you're out in that bog you're so partial to. The terrain
is terrible, and while you were up to your knees in mud gathering frogs
or something, a few necrothralls spotted you. Since you don't have a
combat partner to cover you, while you were dealing with them, you
didn't notice the Undying approaching. He's seen you're a vivimancer,
and his guard's up, but he knows he'll be rewarded for getting you alive."
He stepped towards her until their bodies were touching. "What would
you do now?"
Helena went for his chest, but rather than dodge or parry, the flat
side of his hand struck her wrist. The blow was so sudden that her grip
failed, and the wooden knife plummeted towards the floor. He caught
it in midair.
Helena tried to jump back and regroup into a better defensive posi-
tion, but the cloths on the floor slowed her. Bad terrain. Kaine's empty
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 561SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 561 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
562 • SenLinYu
hand closed around her wrist, jerking her back.
The knife, now in his hand, sliced through the air towards her throat.
She managed to block it with her second knife, but he caught the tip of
the handguard, ripping it from her fingers.
It thumped to the floor.
"Five seconds and you've already lost both knives." He pulled her
closer until she could feel his breath on her skin.
She tried to shove at him. A resonance touch, that was all she needed.
Forget the knives.
His left hand, which she'd sworn had a knife in it a split second prior,
was suddenly empty, and it closed around her wrist before she could lay
a finger on him. She tried to wrench herself free, but his grip was iron.
"Now I have both hands captured," he narrated as if she hadn't no-
ticed.
She threw herself backwards, trying to wrench free.
"A word of advice," he said conversationally, not even swaying as she
used all her strength and weight trying to break his grip. "Don't leave
your wrists open. Once I have you by the wrists, I can do practically
anything to you. This is much easier for me to maintain than for you to
escape from. That rule also applies to feet. Be careful kicking above the
knee. If I get you by the ankle, you'll be on the ground in seconds. Most
of the Undying are guild; they weigh twice what you do. Even if you
manage to kill them, you'll be trapped. Stomping or kneeing is much
better than kicking. Stomping uses your weight, rather than relying on
your momentum. Stomp hard and go for the ankles or the sides of the
knees. Disabling is key; dislocating the knee will take longer for them
to regenerate than a stab wound. A knee to the groin works, too." He
grinned. "Even the liches hate that."
Helena promptly tried to knee him, but he effortlessly sidestepped.
"See? It's dangerous to lose your arms."
His lecture was getting annoying.
Helena stomped on his foot and kicked him in the shin.
He grunted. "Better, but if I were trying to capture you, I would have
already drowned you in the marsh until you passed out. Or taken you by
the neck and rammed your head into my knee. You need to fight dirty.
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 562SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 562 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 563
Forget every word you've ever heard about honour in combat. The hon-
our is surviving."
He let go, and she stumbled back, winded already.
He watched her, his gaze was as intent as a predator. A shiver ran
down her spine.
"If you're ever attacked, you will be outnumbered, and even if you
aren't outnumbered, you will never be as strong or resilient as the Undy-
ing. We don't tire. We can keep fighting for hours, and any injury you
inflict, we will recover from in minutes if not seconds. If they hurt you
enough to slow you, you're worse than dead."
"I know," she said, her voice hollow.
"Do whatever you have to to get away."
Helena nodded.
"Be devious. When your opponent is stronger than you, it's crucial to
use that against them. They will underestimate you, and they'll be angry
if you manage to injure or evade them. There's risk and advantage to
that. If they're angry, they will try harder to hurt you, but they'll also
stop thinking clearly, that'll make their attacks predictable. In combat,
there's no difference between an angry person and a stupid one."
He let her pick up her knife and pulled the other from his pocket,
tossing it back to her.
He attacked her again. And again. And again. Winning every time.
Despite that, he was in a bizarrely good mood. She couldn't for the life
of her figure out why, because usually he treated her mistakes like they
were personal insults.
All she needed to do to "win" a round was to get stable contact once.
Anywhere. One touch. Or else reach a wall with a few seconds before
he caught her.
Both were impossible. Kaine could disarm her without effort, rip-
ping the knives out of her hands, tripping her, dodging her blows, and
sidestepping. Then she'd make a mistake, leave herself open for an in-
stant, and that was all he needed. He wasn't armed or using his reso-
nance. He didn't need to. He'd get her by one arm and twist it up behind
her back or into some other helpless position, all while relentlessly crit-
icising her, telling her all the ways she was doing things wrong, all the
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 563SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 563 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
564 • SenLinYu
advantages her incompetence gave him.
Helena grew progressively more and more enraged, which he also
noticed and seemed amused by.
"You should be using your resonance," he said as he attacked her the
twentieth time, knocking her off balance by dodging a blow.
With a quick sweep of his boot, he sent her to the floor. She tried to
jump back to her feet, but he caught her by the ankle, dragging her
along. When she tried to stab him, he managed to catch both her wrists
in one hand.
He pinned her wrists over her head, forcing her knives to fall from
her fingers, and then he proceeded to sit on her hips.
"If I were Blackthorne, I'd slit you open and eat your organs while
your heart was still beating," he said, leaning over her. His weight had
her wrists so firmly pinned down, she could feel the tile beneath all the
fabric on the floor. His fingers ghosted across her stomach.
A shiver ran through her gut, heat rolling through her like a wave.
"You're terrible at hand-to-hand combat. I thought your stance-
work was awful, but you're even worse at this," he said, but his eyes were
following his fingers.
"Well, I've never done this before," Helena said mutinously as she
tried to wriggle free. Her heart was pounding. "I thought we'd both be
fighting with weapons."
He laughed. "Why would I need a weapon? You can't even beat me
when I'm empty-handed."
She frowned at him. "Why are you in such a good mood?"
He quirked an eyebrow and stood, extending a hand to help her up.
"Do you prefer me angry?"
She ignored the question but watched him warily. He still seemed
bizarrely cheerful, despite the endless criticisms and warnings about all
the ways she could be killed.
It should have come as a relief—she'd grown so used to his anger—
but instead she felt on the verge of a breakdown just looking at him. She
was running out of time.
Even if she could manipulate him to some degree, by taking advan-
tage of how contrary he was, it wouldn't be reliable. That wouldn't meet
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 564SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 564 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 565
Ilva's demands.
She picked up the knives. There was a throbbing pressure inside her
skull. She'd barely slept for the last week. She kept dreaming of him
going mad, ripping himself apart like Basilius did but then consuming
it all, eating himself endlessly like the dragon in the Ferron crest.
His voice broke her from her thoughts. "Don't be afraid to use your
elbows. When you're fending off a close-range attack, elbows work well.
You're more likely to break something with your elbow than your fist."
He lunged at her.
Rather than bolt, she moved towards him, sidestepping at the last
minute. He pivoted, but she'd already gotten him in the leg with one of
her knives. With a real knife, she would have severed the tendon and
artery, enough to hobble him for a minute.
She tried to leap back for the next attack, but he used his remaining
leg as leverage to tackle her, dragging her to the ground. She tried to roll
but his weight trapped her. Helena kicked and snarled as she tried to
fight free, but his grip was relentless, blocking her hand.
"If this were a real fight, I'd be very angry by now," he said, his voice
low as he slithered up her body, pinning her wrists to the floor, his torso
moulded against hers. His mouth reached the base of her neck, breath
running hot across her skin.
She kept twisting and bucking her hips to try to break free. Kaine
abruptly let go of her, shoving himself off.
The muscle in his jaw rippled, and his eyes were dark as he stood up,
breathing heavily, a low flush in his cheeks.
"If you're ever pinned down like that, I would not recommend trying
to escape that way," he said in a tight voice, turning as if catching his
breath.
Helena was so tired, she lay there on the floor a moment longer.
"How should I do it?"
"Like I said," he said without turning, "elbows. Target the nose and
eye sockets. Or go limp long enough that they get careless and let go of
your wrists. Once you have a hand free, do whatever you want, liquefy
their brain. Just don't—squirm."
She was following now.
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 565SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 565 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
566 • SenLinYu
She immediately sat up. "Noted."
"Again." He'd turned back and attacked her before she'd gotten her
knives back.
When she left the Outpost, her whole body was aching. She paused
on the bridge to heal the bruises so that she could walk normally before
reaching a checkpoint.
She found a few books on hand-to-hand combat in the library and
read them diligently. She reviewed all her notes about Kaine, their in-
teractions, his words, his tells, the things he said and all the things he
didn't, trying to understand him. All the time she'd spent with Crowther,
dissecting his behaviour, and yet she still had no idea what any of it
meant. What could Kaine possibly want that could ever be worth this
much risk? She didn't see the ambition or hunger for power that
Crowther and Ilva were so convinced he possessed, but she had no al-
ternative explanation for his choices.
Everyone who'd returned to Headquarters for solstice had gone
again, the heroes off to reclaim more of their city. There was no one to
notice the strange hours Helena spent flitting between the hospital and
the lab like a ghost.
Each time she went back to the Outpost, they continued with hand-
to-hand combat, her armed and him empty-handed, as he demon-
strated technique after technique for disabling and killing the Undying.
She wished he'd stop.
"Is there any point in training you if you aren't even paying atten-
tion?" he said, irritated at last after he'd disarmed her for the tenth time
without effort.
Helena retrieved the wooden knife from the floor automatically. "I
just don't see the point, if I'm being honest. If I'm attacked by one of the
Undying, I doubt I'll survive it. If I do, I'll probably be so badly injured
there won't be any point in it."
He shifted his stance, eyes narrowing. "What's wrong?"
"I'm tired," she said, staring at the floor. "I'm tired of this war. I'm
tired of trying to save people and watching them die anyway, or saving
them only to watch them die later—in a worse way. It's the same cycle,
over and over. I don't know how to get out, and I don't know how to
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 566SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 566 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 567
keep going, either."
"I thought you'd do anything for Holdfast." He was pacing the room.
"The price keeps getting higher," she said quietly. "I don't know if I
can keep paying it."
He stilled. "I suppose even martyrs have limits."
She glanced up, glimpsing for a moment the intent way that he
watched her when she wasn't looking.
She wasn't imagining it. It was there, just below the surface. There
was a want in him that practically shone in his eyes. But he refused to
give in. Whenever she tried to beckon, to tempt him across the line he'd
drawn, his malice surfaced, vicious as a serrated blade.
He was always cruellest when he was vulnerable.
Lately he'd hardly been cruel at all, which told her everything about
her chances now.
Perhaps if she'd been more dogged, she would have found a way to
push through the pain, but he always seemed to know how to hurt her
most.
She had to do this though.
She drew a deep breath, shaking her head, trying to focus. "Just an
off day," she said. "I'm fine now."
She retrieved her knife, and he lunged without warning. She side-
stepped, using her free hand to try shoving him past her, but he easily
evaded her. With lightning speed his hand caught her wrist. Her first
knife dropped. She pulled out the second, managing to elbow him in
the ribs, and wrench herself free.
She snatched the larger knife up off the ground as she got back into
a defensive position, ready as he closed in again. He grabbed her by the
arm when she stabbed at him, ripping the larger knife out of her grip
again. She attempted to hook her foot behind his ankle, but he swept
back and dodged, getting her arm twisted behind her back. He liked
that trick, it was almost predictable, and his hold always just marginally
loosened as his grip rotated.
She lunged, breaking free, experiencing a flash of triumph before
realising he'd let her go.
Using the momentum of her escape, he spun her, caught her ankle
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 567SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 567 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
568 • SenLinYu
with his boot, and slammed her to the floor. The wind was knocked
from her lungs, and she lay gasping.
He knelt over her. "You're still trying to win by being quick rather
than clever. Use that brain of yours. Again."
Helena was tiring, but she managed to last longer. She could tell she
was getting the hang of it; starting to see the patterns, the openings, to
begin spotting weaknesses and opportunities. She wasn't fast enough to
exploit them, but with time, she could get there.
She managed to knock him down twice, but he always evaded. He
tried to pin her down, and she spun to the side, using his momentum.
They fell, tumbling across the floor until he hit the wall, and she pinned
him there. His left hand was wrapped around her throat, but she had a
knife against his, and her other palm was pressed flat across his chest,
her resonance humming through him.
She could feel his heartbeat as though it were cradled in her palm.
She gave a startled laugh as they both went still. Their faces were so
close, they were almost touching.
"Just like that," he said, panting. "Just push in. It's right there."
She looked up sharply. He was watching her, making no move to
stop her. Waiting.
Her smile fell, and she stared at him in horror.
That bitterness in his eyes—she finally understood it. He had been
waiting for her betrayal.
This was what held him back.
He'd known from the beginning, before the possibility had ever oc-
curred to her, and he'd trained her anyway.
She didn't need a book or Crowther to tell her what the expression
on his face meant. She could feel it; it was heat in her abdomen, a catch
in her chest, a thrum in her veins.
His hand was warm against her throat, and his thumb ran slowly
along the scar below her jaw.
She leaned closer, her hand sliding up from his chest to his shoulder
to pull him forward and kiss him.
It was not a slow, sweet kiss. It was not a kiss caused by alcohol or
insecurity.
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 568SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 568 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 569
It was born of rage, despair, and desire so hot, it threatened to burn
her into oblivion.
It was possibly a kiss goodbye.
She wanted him to know. It was real. For her, it had always been real.
He froze when their lips met. She felt his hand on her shoulder and
braced herself to be pushed away even as she deepened the kiss, grip-
ping the fabric of his shirt tighter, her lips frantic.
He wavered a moment and then something broke inside him, like a
dam bursting, and Helena was drowning in him.
He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her savagely.
The heat was like wildfire.
The tension, the waiting. Months of expectations. After being told
this was what she was sent for, why she was wanted. All a ruse. A feint
to conceal his true motive. Demanding her had been the same trick of
misdirection he taught her to use to protect her memories.
A lie, until it wasn't.
Somehow she'd shifted in his estimation, manipulated her way into
becoming the very obsession he'd pretended she was. His palm pressed
against the side of her neck before he slid his fingers up under the braids
and anchored her in place as he kissed her, twisting so that she was
under him on the floor.
Her fingers slipped beneath the collar of his shirt, following the dip
of his collarbones, the curve of his neck.
She ran her fingers through his hair, wanting to lose herself com-
pletely in the nearness. Her fingernails bit into his shoulders. She could
feel the scars on his back, the thrum of energy inside them.
Despite how cold he often was, a dragon was an apt sigil for the Fer-
rons. He kept walls of ice around himself, but there was fire in his heart.
Her shirt ripped as he tore it out of the way. She pulled him close,
tight against her body until she could feel his skin against hers. She bit
him without thinking. There was a hunger inside her that she couldn't
explain, a pit of want to taste and feel and hold and not be always, al-
ways empty. She wanted to curl up so tight against him that she van-
ished.
Her clothes were slipping out of the way as he ran his hands along
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 569SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 569 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
570 • SenLinYu
her ribs and waist, kissing across her breasts, body pressed between her
legs. Her skirts sliding up as his hand trailed up her thigh.
It happened so fast. She'd never thought it would be something soft
or slow, but it was more like a collision, like breaking across each other.
The rush of skin and teeth as she let herself be consumed.
He sank into her, and her heart stopped, eyes going wide. She bit
down on her tongue so hard she tasted blood, her eyes squeezed shut.
He paused and kissed her, his lips so searing she felt it in her bones, and
she nuzzled her face against his, but it hurt.
She'd known it might hurt if not done slowly, but she was glad it did.
Certain things were meant to hurt. She'd seduced Kaine when it was
abundantly clear that this was a line he had no desire to cross. She had
pushed and persisted and done it anyway, because she was desperate.
That should hurt.
His frame practically enveloped her, his lips nipping at her hairline.
His arms wrapped around her shoulders, holding her tight against him-
self. She forced her eyes open, wanting a glimpse of what he felt in that
moment.
Even now, his jaw was tense. His expression guarded. His mouth
held in that hard, flat line.
But his eyes . . .
She could tell—
He was hers.
The realisation broke her heart.
Kaine dropped his head against her shoulder, moaning against her
skin, pulling her closer, and then suddenly, it wasn't merely a pleasure he
was taking in her. Heat came to life inside her, her sense of control un-
tethering as it threatened to engulf her. But shame and guilt rose equally
quick, cold and bitter as seawater, until she was on the verge of sunder-
ing.
His body shook. He gave a low moan, slumping, arms still around
her. His breath dragged across her skin as he panted, pressing a kiss on
her bare shoulder.
Helena lay still, the weight of his body against her, suddenly aware
of the cold radiating from the floor. The dirt and gravel and rough cloths
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 570SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 570 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 571
that bit against her skin, rubbing it raw.
The only thing she could think of was how relieved she was that it
was over before anything else had happened.
Even whores were not so low as to find pleasure in their work the
way she nearly had.
She tried to lie still and not tremble. Kaine's body and breath were
the only warmth in that cold place. Then he went rigid and shoved him-
self away. His expression was drawn, and he didn't even look at her as he
scrambled off, pulling his clothes back on.
Helena slowly sat up, watching him because she didn't know what
else she was supposed to do.
He was growing paler and paler as he redressed. His expression dis-
believing.
"Fuck—" he muttered, dragging a hand through his hair before he
pulled his shirt back on.
His breathing was growing unsteady. When his shirt was on, he
fumbled for the buttons, and when he found some missing, he seemed
blindsided.
He clamped a hand over his mouth as if he were about to be sick.
His throat dipped, and he closed his eyes. He drew a deep breath before
he turned to face her, his expression cold. He only looked at her face for
an instant before his eyes dropped down, and the little colour remaining
in his face vanished.
"You— were you a virgin?"
Helena looked down. There was blood smeared at the top of her
inner thigh. No wonder it had hurt.
She pressed her knees together instantly and shoved her skirts fur-
ther. "It was assumed that was how you'd want me," she said, trying not
to think about everything the question insinuated.
For a respectable girl to lose her virginity was to give up everything,
a career, education, alchemy. Only virgins were given Lumithia's grace.
If Helena were somebody of note, Kaine would be expected to marry
her now. An indiscretion like this was the reason for his parents' mar-
riage after all.
Clearly he'd never considered her as belonging in that category. Her
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 571SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 571 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
572 • SenLinYu
lungs shrivelled inside her chest.
"I—" His voice failed him. "I—I would have been gentler—if I'd
known."
She drew her legs closer, as if being smaller would shield her from
being so seen.
"I didn't really want you to be," she said quietly. Her hands shook as
she tried to get her clothes back on.
His mouth closed then, and the room went still. She could feel the
change in the air between them. But she didn't understand why it mat-
tered, why this was the line he'd drawn.
The array must be part of it. Just after he was healed and fully inter-
nalising its effects, he'd kissed her. Wanted her. It had created a cross-
roads for him; that was why he'd stayed away for so long after that.
Perhaps giving in, even once, was enough to tip the scales. Perhaps he
couldn't change course now; he'd made his choice.
Obsessive and possessive.
She had him. If she was smart enough to leverage it.
On his knees, ready to do anything, Ilva had said.
She still didn't know how to do that though. It was as if Ilva or
Crowther would see any significance in the fact Kaine had finally slept
with her; that was what they'd expected him to do from the start.
She was torn between the desire to laugh and cry, her mouth twist-
ing in a grimacing smile.
"Well, you seem pleased," he said in a bitter voice, his lip curling, "to
have finally whored yourself."
Her fingers went still, and the room went out of focus.
"That was my job," she said quietly. "You had to have known it was
my mission."
"Of course," he said tonelessly, looking around the room as if he
couldn't quite believe he was there. His arms were hanging limp at his
sides. "I just—I never thought you'd actually succeed."
There was a pause while Helena finished dressing.
"I wasn't going to betray the Resistance," he finally said. "I was never
going to. You were already losing when I made the offer, and you're
probably still going to lose now, but I never cared. I just wanted to
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 572SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 572 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 573
avenge my mother."
He pressed his lips into a tight line and looked down at the floor.
"Unfortunately, by the time I had an opportunity to offer my services,
she'd been dead too long and there was the coroner's report saying she'd
died of natural causes. What could I possibly have to avenge?" The bit-
terness in his voice and on his face was unadulterated. "I knew Crowther
well enough to know he'd only consider me as valuable as the strings he
could pull, so I thought I'd give him a dead end to dig himself into."
Then his expression turned vicious and disdainful. "I tried to think
what could I possibly want from the Eternal Flame. A pardon, because
it was as ridiculous as it was obvious. But the Resistance was losing,
everyone knew you were losing. I knew I'd need a contact, someone who
could retrieve messages for me and come when called. I didn't want
Crowther choosing one of his rats, and I thought demanding someone
specific would play into—what they expected of me."
He swallowed. "But the Eternal Flame's noble families are too pre-
cious, I had to want someone they'd consider disposable, and Crowther
was standing there, waiting for an answer. I had to come up with some-
thing. I remembered your name, on the exam lists. When I said Helena
Marino, Crowther got this look in his eyes, and I knew he'd taken the
bait."
He sneered. "As if I would betray the High Necromancer for you. I
knew they'd send you with instructions to try to play up the obsession I
was supposed to have—to ensure I wouldn't get bored or change my
mind— but I wasn't worried. You were no one, just an awkward shadow
behind Holdfast, following him like a dog. I thought it would be funny,
watching you try."
He looked away from her then, his face twisting. "But you—you— "
He shook his head. "It doesn't really matter. You outmanoeuvred me. Or
maybe I'm just too tired and grieving to keep pushing you away. You
won." He met her eyes for a moment, his expression bitter and derisive.
"Well done."
Then he went and leaned against the wall, shutting his eyes.
Helena watched him sceptically. She wasn't sure what angle he was
trying to play with this confession.
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 573SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 573 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
574 • SenLinYu
What he said about her was believable enough. It aligned with their
inconsistent interactions, but to claim that avenging his mother was his
true impetus? Avenging her for what?
"You switched sides because your mother died of a heart attack?" She
gave a loud scoff, standing up, hiding a wince. "Her death wasn't any-
one's fault, and even if it was, did you murder Principate Apollo by rip-
ping out his heart by accident? Ran off with it and joined the Undying
for three years, saw her die, kept going, and then what? You got so
melancholy because you can't get drunk that you decided to turn spy?"
She was baiting him. She knew it would enrage him. She hoped that
if she goaded him enough, he'd finally tell the truth.
His eyes snapped open. They'd turned silver, and two splotches of
colour flushed in the hollows of his cheeks. "Fuck you."
She flinched but spat back, "You already did."
Her back felt bruised, the skin rubbed raw from the floor, and her
lower abdomen ached as if she'd been punched low in the pelvis. She'd
never felt so cold as she did then, standing there, but she was so angry,
and finally it was all out in the open. No more of this game.
"You are a monster," she said, crossing her arms. "Do you expect me
to forget what you've done? To think you became so high ranking be-
cause of that delightful personality of yours? You think invoking your
mother's death can erase all that? Everyone has lost someone, and most
of them, more than you ever could. If you want to blame her death on
Morrough, then maybe you shouldn't have spent all that extra time sup-
porting him after she was gone. After you started this war. And chose to
become Undying."
He was so angry that she could feel his resonance humming in the
air, pushing at her skin. He would probably flay her if she didn't use her
own resonance to push back.
"Do you want to know why I'm like this?" he asked slowly, his teeth
flashing like fangs. "You asked once if it was a punishment, and I was
honest when I said it wasn't. It was the bargain I made."
He walked towards her, rage radiating off him until she could feel
the room warp.
"After my father's failure, after he revealed Morrough's plans, do you
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 574SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 574 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 575
think the High Necromancer was understanding?"
Helena stared at him, frozen in place.
"I was still at the Institute finishing up the year. Who do you imag-
ine was alone with him when word came that my father had been
caught and confessed to treason?" Kaine's expression contorted with
grief. "He had my mother in a cage when I got home. He'd been tortur-
ing her for weeks."
His breathing grew ragged and uneven. "You sold yourself to save
the person you care about. Well, so did I. What was I supposed to do,
fail to kill Principate Apollo knowing I wouldn't be the one who'd suffer
for it? This"— he gestured towards himself—"this was how I proved I'd
be loyal, how I got him t—" His breath caught. "—to stop hurting her."
Helena's head had grown light. "We— I didn't know."
His lip curled up in a snarl, but then he turned away and his voice
grew thick. "She never recovered. Morrough and Bennet were short on
subjects at the time. They liked to experiment together. I'd hear her
screaming for hours sometimes. They'd do things to her and then re-
verse them, so there were no traces after."
He shoved his hair away from his face, his throat working. "The
whole summer. I couldn't—do anything but tell her I was sorry. That I'd
do it and come back for her. That I wouldn't fail."
He braced against the wall as if he were about to fall. The words, so
furious at first, were turning into a tidal wave of grief that seemed to
pour from him.
"When the Principate was dead and I brought the heart back, the
High Necromancer let her out and made us leave with him before the
Eternal Flame came for me. Even before that, my mother—she was
never very strong. When she was pregnant, she wouldn't listen when the
doctors warned her what I'd cost her. She was always fragile after that.
My father always said I had to take care of her. That I was—responsible.
He used to make me swear again and again, growing up, that I'd always
take care of her. I tried to make her flee. I got it all arranged but—she
wouldn't go. Not without me. Said she couldn't leave me here."
He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. "I was trying to
figure out if there was a way, and there were these parties they'd hold,
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 575SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 575 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
576 • SenLinYu
the Undying. She said I should go, thought if I had friends, I'd be—
protected. But that wasn't why I'd been invited. They thought it would
be interesting to find ways to make an injury that would last on one of
us, and I was the youngest. Automatic short straw . . ." He blinked as if
he wasn't seeing the room anymore. "I thought she'd be in bed when I
got back, but she'd waited up for me. She was by the door, and when she
saw me, she started screaming. I kept trying to tell her that it would
heal, but she kept saying it was all her fault, and her heart stopped, and
I— couldn't— "
His voice broke and he slid down the wall, shuddering as if he were
about to split open. When he spoke again, his voice had deadened.
"After she died, I was being watched. Morrough knew I'd joined for
her. I had to earn back trust before I could risk doing anything. I'm not
one of your fucking idiots who thinks one moment of self-sacrifice can
change everything. If I wanted my betrayal to matter, he couldn't see it
coming."
Helena stood frozen in horror. How had no one known this?
"I am so sorry." She felt faint with shock.
"I don't need your false sympathy, Marino," he snarled, but his voice
was shaking.
He'd probably never told anyone what happened. His mother's death
had been dismissed by everyone. Why would a heart attack matter,
when people were dying in battle.
But Helena knew the kind of torture a vivimancer could perform
and fix without leaving a trace. She could imagine what that would do
to a heart over time. Kaine had been carrying that guilt for years, trying
to make amends as best he could, trying to exact some form of revenge
for her, knowing the indescribable punishment that awaited him.
"I'm not lying," she said. "I'm sorry. I am truly sorry for what hap-
pened to her."
She drew closer to him. He looked so utterly broken, as if he were
about to collapse into himself.
She placed a tentative hand on his arm, half expecting him to fling
her across the room, but his shoulders trembled and he dropped his
head on her shoulder. She pulled him into her arms; he gripped her
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 576SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 576 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 577
close and sobbed.
"I can't— I can't—" he kept saying over and over.
Helena didn't know what to do. She ran her fingers through his hair
and just held him.
"I can't— I can't do this again—" he finally gasped out. "I can't care
for someone again. I can't take it."
She blindly found his face, pressing her hand against his cheek, felt
tears slide against her palm and down her wrist.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Kaine." She said it again and again.
She was apologising for everything.
For the first time, Kaine Ferron was fully human to her. She'd slipped
through his walls and peeled away the defensive layers of malice and
cruelty, and found that there he carried a broken heart.
She could use that.
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 577SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 577 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
CHAPTER 48
Janua 1787
When Kaine stopped crying, Helena sat back, studying
him soberly.
His expression turned guarded and embittered, as if he'd wept out all
his softness and once again only his venom remained.
She had him, she could feel it. She'd followed orders, done what
she'd been instructed to do, but she still didn't know how to prove that.
The right way to leverage it into demonstrable loyalty.
Ilva would not lend any credence to a feeling Helena had. Caring
about Helena didn't make Kaine a dog she could command.
"If you really want the Eternal Flame to win, why keep climbing
rank? What are you doing?" she asked.
His eyes shone like mirrors. She could almost see herself in their
reflection. His mouth twisted into a mocking smile. If his face weren't
still wet, she'd never have known he'd been crying.
"It was obvious that my offer was only accepted out of desperation.
The Eternal Flame may claim to be honourable, but Crowther is a
snake. Ilva Holdfast can promise whatever she wants; she's only a stew-
ard, and a Lapse at that. She knows full well that if they win, the Eternal
SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 578SenL_9780593972700_all_1p_r1.indd 578 3/31/25 2:22 PM3/31/25 2:22 PM
Alchemised • 579
Flame will pick and choose which of her actions were legitimate. Any-
thing Holdfast doesn't like will vanish like smoke. I assumed that once
I'd outlived my usefulness, you'd blow my cover to take advantage of the
instability it would cause. So." His teeth flashed. "I tried to position
myself to maximise that fallout."
Helena furrowed her eyebrows, studying him. That seemed a bit too
selfless for him. He might want to avenge his mother, but he had no
fondness for the Eternal Flame. They were merely a means to an end.
"Why kiss me?" he abruptly asked. "What was the point—in all
this?"
She looked down, not sure she had an answer. "I didn't know you
were supposed to die after we retook the ports. Apparently it was obvi-
ous, but I didn't realise."