Saturday, May 5, 5:40 am
I woke up in the same place where I lost consciousness, still holding phone in my right hand. By checking what's in there, I realised I have four missed calls from Riven. What did I tell him?
As I was trying to collect myself and migrate to bed, I heard the main door open. Clearly, it is Miss Rita, as no one else could come by the dawn and stroll from the hallway to the kitchen, as sluggish as a snail. Rita saw me, and I saw Rita; we were both looking at each other as we were busted by the police while trying to sell drugs. The truth is, Rita was the one in charge in this situation, and I was the seller.
"Charlotte, what happened here! Why are you looking half dead? Talk to me, for God's sake!"
She was trying her best to move my boozed-up body from the bar chair, without knowing what she would do with me next. Our body masses are almost identical, so she struggles yet she wanted to help.
"What did you do to yourself? Are you dragged up?"
Rita noticed an empty bottle on the kitchen island in the horizontal position, the same bottle that was almost full this evening.
"Did you do that?! Did you shove it all down by yourself!? I told you just have a little as an aperitif! What have you done?!"
"Rita, I don't know how this happened...I just...I was desperate to mute my brain." I mumbled back to her, when in reality it sounded like gibberish.
"Okay, enough! You are going to sleep, and later I will order you a burger with fries to sober up!"
"Not burger, please..! I will throw up now!"
My body's defensive system thought that the word "burger" was a red code to release vomit, which I did on both Rita and myself.
"Fine, I am definitely ordering that burger for you, as it seems to be helping you just by its word! You can't balance things out; you only seem to choose extremes!"
"Rita, Riven called me four times..!"
"For God's sake, forget about him for a moment! You are covered in vomit after finishing an entire bottle of wine without any prior experience! At least you should have called me!"
Rita dragged my body to the shower, turned on the freezing water, and told me to sober up. It was a cold turkey method, but shortly after, I started coming back to life. I turned my head around and saw traces of what my intoxicated body released after consuming that wine. I slowly stood up and undressed myself.
Rita walked into the bathroom and passed me a bathrobe and a head towel, as well as a mug of hot green tea with lemon, which she set on the stand near the makeup mirror.
Even now, I had no panic, anxious, regretful thoughts. I was sobering up, but my thoughts were not. I managed to let them fall drunk without a chance to be resuscitated. Despite realising what I did was bad, I was relieved that my brain is clean. What if I threw up those worries and regrets with my wine vomit...? That would be great to know, which would mean I'll stick to a few glasses of wine per week.
Saturday, May 5, 3:00 pm
In the afternoon, I had no crime scene marks on me, as I was reasonably rested, fully sober, and ready to talk with Rita about what she had seen earlier this morning. We are both having a late lunch on the balcony in our fluffy robes, while eating delicious fatty burgers with a view.
"Do you mind sharing with me what the fuck was that?"
Rita was slightly devastated, yet she remained kind to me, and I saw how the corners of her mouth went up as she asked me this question. Clearly, what she said was funny to her, as her innocent Charlotte went "completely committed" to an adult world.
"I came back after a spa date, where I had good sex. And by good, I mean I had a threesome, where Alexander was physically with me, actually IN me, and Riven was in my mind, mentally present."
"Okay, so you decided to give a try as for what? To celebrate your first good threesome? With the same wine that you almost bit my arm off when I suggested trying it with me before? Just a couple hours earlier?!"
Rita was trying hard to hold back her laugh from absurdity, without giving my slightly glitching brain a chance to finish the sentence.
"No, I felt that it was wrong, very wrong to feel that. I felt many things that night, like I cheated on Riven, cheated on myself, and I was about to end it all, I was thinking of quitting...But you and me, we both know I will not do that, I am getting more money than I could ever imagine, so I decided to mute myself."
"And you chose wine as the only option?"
"Can you believe that yes, I did! I liked the feeling of its effect it gave me, I was so relaxed...I had jazz music playing in my brain."
"Oh, so you drank to the point of having a jazz concert playing in your brain?! I can officially congratulate you on your first "waste session"! You are a horse that is hard to tame. I don't think it is bad, just don't let yourself try new things without my presence...except sex, ha-ha."
"Do you even care what I said earlier? I said I enjoyed sex with the person I should never have enjoyed in the first place. I feel like I opened a hole to dig, or a casket for my relationship with Riven! It is all because I want him and can't do shit with it!"
"You can't just dive into a young guy, or any guy, as you meet in life! You don't know whether he can provide for you, or even provide for himself! Alexander is your job, think about it first! It is your priority now! You can't be broke and in love with a guy , trust me on that! Get your goal achieved first, the money is your tool and freedom, not the Riven's heart!"
I was looking at Rita as I ate my hangover meal and soaked up all the words she was saying. She is correct, I guess, but I can multitask. I had nothing for 18 years of my life, so I can't risk losing anything I like or even love. Rita kept progressing with her speech,
"You are in the prime time for wealthy men; they all love freshly legal girls. Just get your bag first, then settle your romantic life. I won't let you down into the shitty romantic trap that the media and books are telling us about! Not in my charge!"
I stood up from the comfiest chair and went to hug Rita. She is the best psychologist for me. She is lifting me up when I seem to be falling, struggling to balance in my fast-changing life.
"Rita, I promise I will get my life settled first. And speaking of wine, I won't be touching that again, I promise this to you."
"Haha, sure thing! But still, I need to restock my wine, actually. I am a little jealous you got so wasted. I wish I could, too."
"I never saw you drunk before..?'
"I used to drink with Phil, but he is not really into me now, so I kind of recovered from the previous amounts that I consumed. But it was fun though!"
That is all nice and sweet, but I still have one urgent thing to do: check my phone notifications. Of course, the phone battery has to be dead from last night to test my patience while it's charging.
While the phone is charging and about to turn on any minute, I have to think about my upcoming week, which will have final school exams. This is what I was going crazy about for the last few years, this was the reason why I would spend days in the library and, most importantly, why I left home for better living conditions. Sounds ridiculous, right?
What's done is done about leaving home, but putting my goals on the dark, dusty shelf was never in my life plans. What is even scarier is that I started to lose a sense of responsibility to do my best for the upcoming finals.
My brain started to look like a candy floss, where, in the depths of fluffy, airy sugar strands, I have: Riven, Alexander, sex, money, and my new potential interest: wine. Does this list look like it belongs to someone who wants to study history and get as far as possible from her mother's path? No, but it didn't push me back onto track. The fun is just about to begin, as my phone was charged and ready for inspection.
I checked the messages from last night between me and Riven, which disclosed the dirty, confessional truth: I want Riven. That is only one part of the truth that I didn't wish he knew so soon, because my sugar-baby secret life, I am planning to bury with myself forever.
The chat had no more messages after my last one that screamed, "I am a whore, Riven!". No wonder he made a few calls after that; this didn't look like the Charlotte he'd spent a date with.
I was about to dial his number and explain the "misunderstanding" when, under wine influence, I saw zero misses and only understanding. In my drunk opinion, I had only one message that would hit him directly.
But what will I tell him now? There is no such truth that he will accept, unless I....lie. He doesn't know much about me, so any minor lies at this stage of the relationship won't harm, ignoring the major crack in the foundation called "I sleep with a fifty-something-year-old man". I just have to be smart, just like when I am with Alexander, and make up a great story.
I called Riven, but my call went through without any response, forcing my heartbeat to increase. What if he is already disappointed in me? I chose to text him instead, as plan B hadn't died yet.
-Riven, I want to explain what happened last night. I was having a girls' night with my older sister, and she got drunk. While I was already asleep, she sent spam messages to almost every phone number in my contacts that she wants them. I feel disgraced about that, and I hope you will understand.
Sounds just about right. I sent him that long text and called it a resolved issue, as my lie could easily be the truth if this ever happened with Rita. I chose not to tell her about my lie, as this conversation would be very doubtful to occur between Riven and Rita. Nevertheless, I had no plan to introduce them yet.
A few hours later, I got an incoming call from...him. Riven called me, and this time, I picked up the call as fast as I could, as my sober state allowed me to fast react to things.
The call wasn't short, nor was it long, as he was telling me that he sensed it was not my message, but he couldn't prove it, so his best option was to call instead. I joked it off by repeating that I was asleep at that hour, and he didn't seem to question my story. His voice sounded very sincere to me, if it makes any sense, as he didn't seem to lose his spark towards me after this event. He believed me and apologized for not replying sooner, as he is always packed with work, even on weekends.
Knowing his schedule is a relief to me, as I learn he is not free every single day and hour, which means I can continue my arrangement with Alexander without cancelling numerous dates with Riven.
Speaking of which, Riven ended our call on an invitational note to a date! This young man wants to see me in the cinema after my exam week, as he values my time and wants me to pass everything well without blurring my brain beforehand with movies and...his kisses. I accepted his invitation with a pride in my voice, while jumping around the bedroom like a kangaroo. The call went beyond being just good; my lie gave me more than relief. I am indeed unfolding my secret superpower...
Everyone knows that next week is critical for my future, as Alexander gave me a week off, Rita promised not to disturb me much, and Riven mentioned a cinema date, which will be right after completing finals.
Good girl Charlotte would be sitting now in a pile of books, with an open Google search bar on a stationary computer in her rental apartment, drinking lots of sugary, sweet coffee, and motivating herself toward great success. But this Charlotte is dead from the day she met Rita and went up to her trashy apartment. That Charlotte was shot in the vital organs after she signed her contract with Mr.Montrose , who later became her first man in sexual life. She, the Good Charlotte, was put underground without any casket or flower bouquet the last night, when she tried her mom's favourite thing, alcohol.
Then what about the new Charlotte? Who is she? What is the proper adjective that best describes her? She is dissolute. New Charlotte is corrupted, tainted, and depraved. She is coming to a deal with her new life, accepting that earning money by having sex is frankly an easy way to live. She is also consenting to the terms of eventually breaking it off, as she desires to get a genuinely innocent guy in her web of lies. Today was also a day when Charlotte, and I am talking about myself, began to distance herself slowly from sharing everything with Rita. Yes, she is a good friend, but the less she lectures and instructs the better... My week is about to be a hell of a challenge, I thought to myself, while dreaming of the new version of the future I envisioned.
May 11, 4:50 pm
The exam week went by in a blurry state, as I followed the same routine daily:
-wake up
-head to school using John's service
-being dropped off near a school, as I remained discreet about my life
-write an exam while thinking about Riven
-do a test while thinking about how much money I made so far
-head back home with a stop at a luxury grocery store to get some food and wine
-ask John to buy it for me, covering it up with the excuse that Rita needs it
-go home with bags full of food and one bottle of wine
-hide the wine in my bedroom
-eat the food
-chat with Riven over text message
-procrastinate to study for the next exam
-research Kama Sutra and try to repeat the positions with Rita
-laugh really hard
-lock the door after Rita leaves to meet a client
-count money in the closet over again
-lock the bedroom door
-open the wine
-drink one-third of the bottle
-flush the rest in the toilet
-overthink
-fall asleep
Today was the last exam, wrapping up my week, which is supposed to define my future...if I were an old Charlotte. The end of the week feels normal now, as I keep Alexander's promise to fund my degree in mind and, in case things go poorly, he will speak with the college representative to "squeeze me in".
The evolution of my mind's flow has to be studied at whichever college I will attend, as I am the best example of acclimatization to a new habitat.
Apart from congratulatory words from Rita, she prepared a small cake for us to eat after I got back from school. She almost saw a grocery bag with wine in it, so I had to quickly hide it in my backpack before she suspected weird behaviour.
I was ashamed to admit to her that I am "playing a wine taster" in my bedroom and flushing the majority of it in the toilet because my body is demanding more. She is of legal age to buy and consume spirits, so I have no complaints about her little habit of cleaning out a glass of wine before heading to her night shift. So even Rita wouldn't judge my "one small glass after a long day"; I was the judge, and I chose not to disclose my nasty, newly discovered hobby.
"Look who is back! Can you believe you are back just in time for me to finish making a cake for you!"
Rita handed me a petite cake with a single candle, standing reclined like the Tower of Pisa.
"This is so nice of you! Thank you!"
"Blow a candle like how you would blow to Riven...!"
"We kissed only once, what do you mean!?"
We both started laughing while I was thinking about what I wish for now, as I am about to extinguish the small candle flame.
"Wish a good college, Charlotte!" hinted Rita, as she remembered how I would spend hours in a monologue about how I want to become a historian, for which I need a high-end college to make an outstanding CV.
But this dream seemed to grow duller each day, as I became lost in my life, relying on Alexander's promise and the unwritten future with Riven's.
I blew out the candle and, in my mind, pronounced, "Don't let them all find out what they shouldn't."
Today's evening agenda is two dates: a quick meeting at the hotel with Mr. Montrose and a movie date with Riven, both of which fit tightly into the schedule. I should finish my first date without seeming to rush to a next one, while my next date should not suspect anything.
Before leaving the apartment to see my "work date," Rita asked me to have a quick talk with her, giving me a paranoid thought that she had seen my empty wine bottles under the bed.
"I think my sex worker career hit a brick wall. When I finally chose to start being financially smart, no one seemed to cheer my choices! They all seem to be gone!"
"Why?" I couldn't ask or say anything more as idea of Rita knowing about my bottles took over my brain.
"Because I am not attractive to men who are passing the red light area anymore! They are picking girls with big boobs and butts, or those whose features are unrealistic!"
"Rita, why are you even coming back there? Don't you have a somewhat relationship with Phil again? Where is he now? And by the way, it is you who taught me to value myself and choose the right crowd to be in, remember?! Why are you doing the complete opposite of yourself?"
I felt bad for her. She was trying so hard to get her life together, but men are not praising that or her presence in the sex industry. Her main sponsor, Phillip, seems to have disappeared, leaving her without a reliable income.
"Phillip is texting me only when his dick is releasing steam! After that night when I got back with a huge amount of cash, he went insensitive to me, and I never got more than that amount overall for the last few weeks!'
"Okay...now it is my turn to teach you. How many years have you been working like that?"
"Almost four."
"And was it always sunshine and money rain for you?"
"No, but I head-started this sugarbaby route with him; he was my only man for years! After we broke up, this part I never told you before, I fucked his close friends...they are the ones who told me to stay at the red light, because this is where wealthy men pass by. Those men, in fact, are only looking for a one-night stand, which is what I want, just get the deal done and get money, but recently the earnings have been declining...."
"Rita! Calm down! Do you want me to help you now? I can ask Alexander for a friend, perhaps? Or you take a break for a few weeks or even a month, and I can support us both for a moment. Just don't think low of yourself."
"I will get back to it, of course. I just don't feel like pretending to be a high-level escort, when in reality I am a call girl or a hopeless prostitute. Charlotte, I am really proud of how your life is going....I can't stop reminiscing about my golden times."
She hugged me tightly, so tightly that it almost cracked my ribcage.
I think both Rita and I knew she needed a little break from selling her soul to a random man. With each day, I understood Rita more; her silliness is what saves her from going insane in this industry. No one knows how she would live now if Phillip hadn't broken up with her. My "sugar-baby roulette" pointed right at me, while Rita's changed arrow pointed away from her.
I found this moment of soul-sharing conversation to be the perfect time to offer a glass of Rita's favorite wine. I was looking for this moment myself, likely for me, Rita gave it the proper excuse to mention alcohol.
"Rita, just take a break first. But as for now..." I catwalked to the fridge and took out the wine bottle that Rita barely touched this week, "...It is a time for you to relax! For you and me!"
Rita smiled with her teeth. She had no second thoughts about my developing problem, as the whole conversation was about her only. Good to be a dummy...
"You are absolutely right! I will never tell a lie to you about good ways to relax! And also, you need to have it too, don't you have two dates tonight?"
"Absolutely correct. I have no right to mess it up, as I want to leave my "boss" satisfied and myself romantically fulfilled! So a little destress is a must!" I said while finishing pouring wine into glasses and passing one to Rita.
"I thought you would deny the wine." Rita gave me a face that showed a complete understanding of my rapid evolution to a "proper" sex worker, with an additional smirk as she is proud of me.
"Yeah, but I think I can give it a try one more time, not like I did last week in the kitchen!"
We both cheered for the best times of our lives, and moved on with our evenings. Rita detected no lies from me, while I felt a demonic dignity for being such a trustworthy girl.