I hated Woo Seung-geon for growling at me in anger.
Was this why he had been contacting me so incessantly and acting so recklessly?
My own pent-up emotions burst forth, and I spat out sharp words.
"Do you know what? The way you talk is so obnoxious."
Normally, when you say something like that, a person should be hurt, but Woo Seung-geon wasn't.
"I know! It's true I'm obnoxious!"
What could I say?
This was the part of him that I found so difficult to handle.
He was realistic and pragmatic, so he was good at viewing himself objectively.
No matter what others cursed him for, if that was his true self, he was the type of person to say, 'I guess that is a part of me worth cursing. So what?'
That confidence was built on his perfect appearance, talent, and skill, so it was more than enough to fluster his opponent.
"Modesty is a virtue."
"Says who? I'm going to live my whole life boasting. I'm allowed to!"
I felt it at times like this.
This person and I were truly polar opposites.
I swallowed a sigh.
"This is why it won't work between us."
"What are you talking about?"
"Because you're too perfect, Senior, and I'm not."
It wasn't self-deprecation.
It was the truth.
We were so different that it would be hard to even be friends; our views of the world, our attitudes toward our experiences, and our ways of expressing emotion were all different.
So I spoke even more coolly.
"I just want to hold onto my respect for you. Any feelings of affection will only end up hurting us both."
I thought that if I went this far, Woo Seung-geon would finally stop.
"You don't know because we haven't tried yet."
He said it through gritted teeth.
"Try it, and if it doesn't work, then we stop. If it's that, then even I can accept it."
At this point, I wondered if he was just being stubborn with me.
"Senior, just stop…"
"Was sleeping with me that bad for you?"
"…Excuse me?"
"Our compatibility wasn't bad, either. You were crazy for it too, clinging to me…"
"No, what on earth are you saying!"
Woo Seung-geon's protest was even louder than my horrified shout.
"Then there's no problem! You like me too, and I even got lovesick in America because of you!"
I, too, retorted, overwhelmed with emotion.
"Stop using me as an excuse! You're not lonely or whatever because of me!"
"That's a huge part of the reason!"
"No, why are you making such a big deal out of one accidental night…!"
"Accident? For me, from the start, it was because it was you…!"
He clamped his lips shut, as if stopping himself from saying more.
As if he was ashamed of himself for going this far, he gripped the steering wheel and tried to calm his ragged breathing.
Only my mind grew more complicated.
'From the start, it was because it was me…?'
Did he know I was lying about being a college student from the beginning?
Then who was that person he supposedly liked…
My mind went blank at this new information.
I now had no idea what Woo Seung-geon was thinking.
Whether he knew of my confusion or not, Woo Seung-geon lowered his raised voice and calmly explained.
"I'm a much stronger person than you think, and I can take care of myself. The kind of situation you're worried about won't happen. If you just make up your mind… If you just say you're okay with it, I'm confident I can do well."
What in the world was I, for him to go this far?
Shame and embarrassment welled up at the completely incomprehensible situation.
My face turned bright red at his heart, which was crashing into me with such honesty.
I pressed my palms against my face, trying to cool the heat somehow.
Seeing me like this, Woo Seung-geon, who had been spitting out words without hesitation, pressed his lips firmly together.
I had no idea what to do in this difficult situation.
'The person I like is pushing this hard because he likes me back…'
I was on the verge of cognitive dissonance.
Was it right for me to be happy that Woo Seung-geon liked me?
He was telling me that all my worries were useless, so maybe it was better to just accept what he wanted and move forward, rather than ruining our relationship with my anxieties.
No, but still.
Me, in a relationship with Woo Seung-geon?
It wasn't some kind of fairy-tale ending…
Woo Seung-geon, who had been watching me quietly in my confusion, spoke.
"See? You're about to smile, hearing me say that."
I hastily covered my mouth with my hand.
I cleared my throat.
"When did I smile?"
At my reaction, Woo Seung-geon's fuming expression softened.
"Look at you, being dishonest. You were the same that day, just hiding everything. You haven't changed."
"..."
"You like me too. I can see it all. So why do you keep saying such harsh things you don't even mean? They don't have any effect on me, you know."
I resented him for seeing right through me.
He relentlessly picked at the very parts he could have just pretended not to see.
"You like it, Seong-ha. Stop pushing me away, hmm?"
But I honestly didn't understand his attitude.
To him, I was just a kid he ran into while drunk over a year ago.
We'd been swept up in the mood and slept together, but it was just a one-time thing, something to be laughed off and forgotten.
Did it make sense for such a person to go to America, get "lovesick," and then return to Korea because he was "lonely"?
He, who called himself "perfect," should know better than anyone that he had no need to be like this over me. His inability to give up must be for a reason I didn't know.
I wanted to ask what that reason was, but I didn't have the confidence to hear it.
I was already having trouble handling this situation. If I heard the hidden story, I was afraid I would truly be unable to escape from the man named Woo Seung-geon.
Seeing my tightly sealed lips, Woo Seung-geon asked again, his expression anxious.
"Why is this something to agonize over, huh? We both like each other."
Woo Seung-geon called my name, his voice a little firmer.
"Seong-ha."
Even his angry face looked beautiful.
"I know, too. I know I'm being pathetic."
Pathetic.
The man in front of me was the person in the world to whom that expression least applied.
Even without discussing his facial features, which were in perfect harmony and balance.
Even without praising his noble physique, honed over decades.
Even without marveling at his talent, which proved his skill and value by greeting a new prime every year.
Even without explaining his inner fortitude, his confident tone and shameless smile.
He was a perfect person who needed no other modifier.
Such a person, "pathetic"?
It was something I simply couldn't understand.
"You are my idol, Senior."
The car stopped at a red light.
Woo Seung-geon was listening to me quietly. Now, it was my turn to be honest.
"You're like a dream to me. That's why I don't want to tarnish you."
"What are you talking about? Why would you tarnish me?"
"If we date, the world will definitely find out, and that will be a flaw on your career, Senior."
He raised his voice, overcome with emotion.
"It won't be a flaw on my career."
"It will."
"Why are you worried about my career?"
"How can the 'Nation's Pitcher' say something so irresponsible?"
"You have to separate private life from skill!"
"That's in a normal case. You, Senior, are an abnormal case, watched by the entire nation."
"It's the same."
"It's not the same. If you make one bad pitch in a game, the announcers, and even the fans watching, will all bring up your private life."
"That won't happen."
"You know what people who watch sports are like. They'll blabber on about how everything from what the player is thinking to what they ate the day before affects their performance. So a relationship? Every single move you make will be dissected. Can you handle that?"
"Yeah. I can."
"I can't. If it gets out that your partner is me, I'll probably have to retire."
Woo Seung-geon's open mouth snapped shut.
He was silent for a long time.
'Woo Seung-geon should be dating someone on his own level. He has absolutely nothing to gain from dating me.'
I decided to forget the fleeting moment of happiness I'd felt when he said he liked me.
Me being in a relationship with Woo Seung-geon was just as ridiculous as me suddenly becoming our team's starting pitcher.
I had to know my place and my limits.
If I got too greedy, I might lose everything I'd built up until now.
I reached for my seatbelt, intending to unbuckle it.
As I tried to open the car door and get out before the crosswalk light turned red, Woo Seung-geon immediately grabbed my hand.
"Seong-ha."
His face was contorted in a way I had never seen before.
And then, he spat out words I had never expected.
"I love you."
He said it with so much pain, I wasn't even sure if it was the word 'love' that I knew.
"I'm serious. I love you, Shin Seong-ha."
But why.
Why me, of all people, Senior.
There's nothing between us except that one night, and that can't be the reason for love.
Even if you knew me from before, and even if that's why you slept with me, we never had a connection that would make those feelings sprout.
The question that had been rising in my throat finally burst out.
"Why…"
But before the sentence could even become whole,
Hooooooooooonk!
From the opposite lane, a large freight truck slammed into the back of the cars that were stopped at the light.
The massive vehicle, unable to handle the wet road, skidded sideways, shoving all the surrounding cars out of the way.
3 seconds.
The stopped cars were pushed out at once, skidding and crossing the center line.
2 seconds.
One car, flipping and rolling like a kicked stone, flew toward us.
1 second.
Woo Seung-geon vanished from my sight.
Craaaaaaaash!
A massive noise, and a white airbag exploded in front of my face.
My breath was knocked out of me by the seatbelt cutting across my chest.
The acrid stench of burst oil filled the air.
By the time I barely regained my senses, my head was spinning from the smell of burning oil.
A cough burst out, whether from the acrid smoke or the pain in my ribs, which were crushed by the seatbelt.
"Kuluk!"
In that brief moment of the accident, I saw a hand that must have reached out to press against my chest.
My heart felt like it plummeted when I saw that hand, covered in blood, lying limply on my thigh.
I reached for the driver's seat.
"Senior!"
The driver's side, like mine, was enveloped by an airbag.
But it must have been torn by the car that flew into it. The limp, white sheet covered Woo Seung-geon's body like a shroud, his face even paler.
Thump.
At the sound of my pounding heart, I, too, was not in my right mind.
I carefully reached out a trembling hand.
Watching the blood trickle down from his broken forehead, I slowly placed my hand on his neck.
The artery that should have been beating hotly was completely still.
"Seung-geon Senior…?"
Not his neck, but his nose, his lips.
My blood-stained hand fumbled, touching the man's body all over.
His closed eyelids wouldn't open.
When I grabbed his shoulders and shook, his head just lolled to the side.
I don't remember much after that.
"Seung-geon Se, Senior! Woo Seung-geon! Hey, Woo Seung-geon!"
I screamed his name, a desperate wail.
"Get out! Hurry!"
"The car's on fire!"
"Fire extinguisher, over here!"
People who had crowded around broke the side window and dragged me out.
"Aaargh! Woo Seung-geon!"
No matter how much I screamed, the people were busy pulling me away.
Woo Seung-geon remained still beneath the burst airbag, his head turned to the side.
Wee-woo, wee-woo!
The sirens of police cars and ambulances blared from all directions.
Amidst that sharp sound, which felt like it was tearing my eardrums, I sobbed for the first time in my life.
It was a moment where I couldn't believe anything.
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