(Ellion's POV)
"You want that, huh?" I told Ashara, "Is that so?"
Ashara grabbed my hands, "I have my feelings as a woman, Ellion." She said, "I know that....well, you are a complicated one. And I know that you have a reputation. But I know.....well, it feels like I know the real you."
"And what may that be?" I asked her
"You are a good man." She said, her eyes looking at me, "You have a gentle heart, one that won't change so easily."
"Is that what you truly think of me?" I asked her, pulling away from her grasp, "Lady Ashara....you speak too highly of me."
"But is that not the true?" She asked me
I sighed and turned to the side, "I have to admit something." I said, placing my hand on the handle of my sword, "Aye, I won't commit atrocities to innocents or to anyone else, without warning. Aye, I won't deny anyone aide, should they deserve it. But for me to be a good man? I highly doubt that."
"Why is that?" Ashara asked me
I looked at her, "You witnessed it." I said, "My true nature. I am debauchery, My Lady. I didn't care if you were watching when I took Elia. And I will do something like that without a second thought should I am given the opportunity, even if the possibility of being discovered is there."
"Well..." She looked down, almost as if she agreed with me, "That..."
"I have contradicted myself many times when it comes to bedding women who are not promised to me." I said with a sigh, "And sometimes, I doubt my own promises. But I do try to make sure that I keep them, Ashara. I truly do."
"I know...." She said
"If you are to be my wife, what would you do about my past? My nature?" I asked her
"I...." She said, gulping slightly, "I would endure. I won't.....well, I do not mind. As I've stated."
"Hm." I said, "Malora says the same. The two of you don't mind sharing, huh? But for you, you don't want me to be with Elia. For your own reason, hm...."
"I mean." She said, "It is quite complicated."
"I understand." I said, "But know something, My Lady. If you think you can be okay with what I am, then I must be honest with you. I have many women....that much is true. And I am starting to think I should be honest with all of them, as I am being honest with you. If you wish to become one of them."
"One of them?" She asked
"You told me you wanted me for yourself, Ashara. And that you wouldn't mind sharing, so long as I look at you first." I told her, facing her completely, "And I am okay with that. Now, I don't know what the deal with Elia is, but worry not....I have not forsake you. Things....well, recently, I have made a discovery....and I need to ignore all of that...."
"How many?" She asked me, "How many do you have?"
I closed my eyes, "With you and Malora?" I asked, "Excluding Elia and the women at the brothel. I have.....well, around 4 more."
"I see...." She said
I opened my eyes, "Hm...."
She looked down, "I wish to dwell on this." She said, "If that is okay with you. You have more than I expected, Ser...."
"I know." I said, "But know this, I won't forsake you."
She sighed, "If that is the case..." she said, "Then take me the night I make my decision. But for tonight, I shall think of our future...."
"I mean it."
**********************
I sighed, "Fuck...." I said, rubbing my face, "I can't let myself be distraught by this...."
Having sex with Elia for around an hour, which wasn't much time, was not enough to distract me from everything else. Not even Malora was enough for that and I had her thoroughly, leaving her so spent that she shut up before going to sleep.
All of this shit on my mind, I don't know how to deal with it. I can't let myself be distraught by it. I had to compose myself and stay true to my goal, to what I wanted all of this time.
I wanted to be free.
I truly wanted to be free.
I was just legitimized, for fuck's sake. This is a step closer to that goal.
But what does it mean? What does it mean to be free?
In this world, one that is bound by the wretchedness of men. What does it mean to be free? To be above the laws? To be above the Crown? To be above the Gods?
Even if that is the case, would I be truly be free from my actions?
I fucked my own mother and sisters, for crying out loud.
The Targaryens fucked their sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews. Incest is in their nature, that much is true. I won't sit here and deny that it is...unorthodox and all, but that is the norm for them. Valyrian culture is as such, I can't do much about that.
But I'm not Valyrian, for crying out loud. And even if I was, the Targaryens didn't fuck their mothers.
Or did they?
I don't know. I really didn't.
And to add more fuel to that disastrous fire, it isn't just me having sex with my mother and sisters that makes everything so confusing.
It is what that woman told me.
I was conceived without a Father.
I still find that hard to believe. That Goddess, is she the one behind this? I haven't interacted with her in so long, the one responsible for my existence in this world.
"Ugh...." I said, "Fuck all of this...."
And Ashara.
Things are starting to get a bit more serious than I expected.
She didn't seem to like the fact that I fucked Elia Martell in front of her. She was envious, but not for the reason that I thought.
There is something more going on with them, I have to understand what.
Whatever it is, they are good at keeping up with appearances.
I sighed, "I'm going to my chambers...." I said,
"I need a fucking drink."