The following day seemed a lot heavier than it usually did.
I couldn't stop thinking about Akira's letter while I was going to the training ground. Each and every step was so slow—as if the earth itself was dragging me down. Breathing, walking and acting like I knew nothing, I kept telling myself over and over again.
However, now... I did know.
And knowing changed everything.
He wasn't waiting for me, he was already there.
Kento was in the middle of the field, giving loud and clear instructions to some soldiers. His voice was full of assurance, vigour and power. The same nonchalant smile was spread over his lips— the one which had been irritating me for the last few days.
Nevertheless, today I perceived him in a different way.
His posture was so upright while he was giving the orders. His glance was covering the whole field, alert and caring. His jaw was clenched when someone made a mistake—
Akira.
Not identical, but similar enough for my chest to hurt.
My fingers were tightly curled and my thumbs pressed against the palms of my hands.
He's his brother, your brain whispered to you.
After a moment, my heart turned soft.
Then it was invaded by rage.
How did he manage to smile?
How did he manage to laugh?
How did he manage to stand there as if the world hadn't lost the most important person?
I turned away and started my workout, pretending that I didn't see him like I always do. Only, this time, it hurt more.
He couldn't take his eyes off me.
Well, minutes went by and then somebody's footsteps could be heard.
"Morning, Amane," Kento uttered in a light tone. "Again you are coming early. Is it that you want to beat yesterday's record?"
I kept silent.
He didn't get an answer from me, but he still kept waiting. I was not going to speak.
He removed a small portion of the hair from the back of his neck with his hand. "Alright... I must say that the silence today is very intense."
I kept practicing with my sword.
Then abruptly his tone shifted.
"Could I ask you a question?"
I ceased my activity.
I didn't look at him.
"...What?"
There was a break in the conversation. A very rare one.
"Were you..." he hesitated, "...Akira's girlfriend?"
Everything around seemed to stop.
Too quiet.
I turned to look at him slowly, my chest was on fire and my view was unsteady.
"Yes!" I shot back.
The word came out very distinctly. It was fragmented. It was angry.
"Yes, I was! And I don't understand you!" I yelled without any control. "How can you be so indifferent to your brother's death? I am barely able to breathe each day! I sob every night because of him! Pearl hasn't moved on at all and you are here as if nothing has happened!"
The utterances were like sharp and small blades that dropped from her mouth.
At the very moment, they were met with regret from deep within her soul.
Kento did not smile.
He didn't make a joke.
He didn't even move a bit.
For a long time, he just looked at me.
After that, he spoke very softly—
"Because I am a soldier," he said.
His tone was very firm, but still it had a deep and serious undertone.
"If I were to break down in tears before everyone… if I were to lose it, then these warriors will lose their hope." He looked at the training ground where the soldiers were watching him and said, "Pain, doesn't go away just because you put a smile on your face. It stays with you."
He looked straight into my eyes.
"But it is not always necessary to show one's pain," he said lightly. "There are times when it becomes necessary to carry it along."
I almost lost my breath.
What he said gradually, painfully, sunk deep into me.
It was then that I recognized the fatigue hidden behind his eyes. The heaviness of the burden that he was silently carrying. The sorrow that he was masking by noise.
He wasn't doing okay.
He was just surviving.
My rage turned into remorse.
"I—" my voice broke "I was not—"
However, the dam inside me had already burst.
Tears came out of my eyes rapidly and I couldn't control them.
"I miss him," I said. "I miss him so terribly. Every breath without him is painful. Every place feels lifeless. He was the one who promised me the future, yet here I am standing in it all alone."
My legs gave way.
Before I could fall, someone held me.
Kento did not hesitate in pulling me close to his chest.
"It's alright," he comforted. "You don't have to be strong now."
I wept into his uniform, holding it as if it were the only thing that was supporting me. My cries were so loud and strong that they shook my whole body.
"He was my world," I mumbled. "My world."
Kento was holding me even more tightly now.
The touch of his hand on my back was… like a long-lost friend.
Too much like a long-lost friend, actually.
The heat.
The steady heartbeat.
The way his arms were wrapping me so that no one else could see but him.
It was like Akira.
Not quite the same—but close enough for my heart to hurt all over again.
And for the first time since the war…
I didn't hesitate to show my weakness to someone else.