The Guild Master had ushered Sai Ji out of his office with the harried urgency of a man disposing of a lit firework, shoving the Unranked black card into his hand. "Go. Pick a quest. Something benign. Something that won't trigger regional deity alarms or require me to fill out another catastrophic incident report."
Sai Ji muttered under his breath, "I'm level one. How much trouble could I possibly get into?"
Behind him, Fen and Lura exchanged a look of profound, veteran concern.
In his mind, Sal Vera made a soft, choking sound that was unmistakably a stifled laugh. My King… statistically speaking? Given your historical precedent? The answer is 'all of it.'
He chose to ignore her. Mostly.
At the Quest Board
The area around the guild's main quest board was a riot of elbows and shouted negotiations.
"Any herb-gathering left? I'm desperate for copper!"
"Who took the last sewer rat extermination?I saw it this morning!"
"Move over,I need a slime hunt for my novice certification!"
Sai Ji shouldered his way politely to the front, his gaze scanning the pinned parchments for the holy grail: sheer, unadulterated boredom.
Gather 5 Moonbuds in the Safe Glade — Difficulty: Easy.
Escort Elderly Merchant Tobo to the Northgate Bakery — Difficulty: Trivial.
Cull the Young Wolf Population in Gloomy Forest — Difficulty: Easy.
Clean Slime Accumulation in Guild Back Alley — Difficulty: Pathetic. Reward: 5 Silver.
Perfect.
His hand reached for the slime-cleaning notice.
Another hand slammed flat against the board beside his, making the wood tremble. It was the elite party leader, the woman with the scar bisecting her lip, her face a mask of competitive fury. "We said we wouldn't fight you," she hissed. "We never said we wouldn't out-bid you for quests."
Then her eyes fully focused on him—on the devastating, moonlit-handsome disguise he wore. Her fury melted, replaced by a look of such profound, existential defeat that it was almost artistic. She slowly retracted her hand. "…On second thought. It's yours. The slimes… deserve you."
Sai Ji plucked the quest paper. It glowed with a soft blue light as it registered to his new, ominous black card.
[QUEST ACCEPTED: GUILD BACK ALLEY SLIME CLEANUP]
Objective: Remove excess gelatinous organisms from the designated area.
Reward: 5 Silver Pieces.
Note: Do not agitate the slimes. They are easily startled.
Finally, he thought, a wave of relief washing over him. Finally, something simple, straightforward, and—
"Master," Fen whispered, leaning in with deadly seriousness. "We should formulate a battle plan."
Sai Ji blinked. "…It's slimes. Jiggly, mindless, barely-motile slimes."
"Precisely," Lura nodded, her expression grave. "One can never be too prepared. We must consider their… unpredictable jiggle physics."
Sai Ji simply groaned and led the way to the alley.
The guild's back alley was a narrow canyon of stained stone, shadowed by overhanging balconies and smelling of damp moss and old vegetables. And there, amidst the scattered trash bins, were the slimes.
Dozens of them. Small, translucent blobs in various pastel hues—pinks, blues, greens—wobbling aimlessly, bumping into each other and the walls with soft plops.
Sai Ji cracked his knuckles, a purely psychological gesture. "Alright. Let's get this over with. I'll just… gently shoo them toward the sewer grate or—"
Every single slime in the alley stopped mid-wobble.
As one, their simplistic ocular organs (or the magical equivalent thereof) swiveled toward him.
Then, in a wave of gelatinous terror, they flattened.
PLOP. PLOP-PLOP-PLOP.
Dozens of slimes pancaked themselves against the cobblestones, their bodies quivering in abject, worshipful terror. A few of the green ones began rolling in frantic, dizzy circles. One particularly anxious blue slime tried to become two-dimensional, squeezing itself into a crack in the wall.
Sal Vera's delighted laughter echoed like wind chimes in his skull. Oh, my~ Even the simplest forms of life retain a cellular memory of the chain of being. They recognize their apex. Their Sovereign.
Sai Ji's left eye began to twitch violently. "No. No, no, no. Get up. Stop that. DO NOT PROSTRATE YOURSELVES. YOU'RE MAKING THIS WEIRD!"
His panicked shouting only made them tremble harder. One of the pink slimes made a pathetic, squeaking sound and tried to burrow under a rotten cabbage.
His bodyguard, Fern, observed the scene with solemn reverence. "They acknowledge your natural supremacy, my liege. A touching, if sticky, display of fealty."
"I AM TRYING TO COMPLETE A BASIC, MUNDANE, IDIOT-PROOF QUEST!" Sai Ji roared to the uncaring heavens.
He took a single, frustrated step forward.
The result was instantaneous. The sea of prostrate slimes scattered in a rainbow-hued panic, flowing up walls, rolling under bins, and zipping out into the main street with a speed belying their simple biology. In three seconds, the alley was completely, utterly slime-free.
A soft chime sounded.
[QUEST UPDATED: SLIME CLEANUP]
Slimes Removed: 47/5
STATUS: OVERWHELMING SUCCESS
Reward: 5 Silver Pieces.
Bonus Reward: +1 Guild Reputation (Slimes Fear You)
[New Title Earned: Slime Sovereign]
Effect: Non-hostile slimes will now flee from your presence. Hostile slimes have a 5% chance to spontaneously surrender.
Sai Ji stared at the notification, a deadened look in his too-pretty eyes. "…Why?"
Fen bowed slightly. "Congratulations, Master. Your domain now officially includes semi-sentient gelatinous cubes. A historic moment."
"I. HATE. THIS. TITLE."
The Noble Interruption
As Sai Ji stepped out of the alley, brushing imaginary slime residue from his sleeves, he found his path blocked.
Not by the elite party. By a different kind of obstacle entirely.
A young noblewoman stood regally before him, flanked by four knights in polished, ornate armor. She was clad in impractical but beautiful pale blue silks reinforced with silver filigree, her long blonde hair arranged in an intricate braid. Her eyes, a sharp, intelligent blue, were fixed on him with an intensity that felt like a physical scan.
She stared. For a beat too long. Then she stepped forward and offered a precise, courtly bow that was just a shade too deep for a random guild encounter.
"Pardon my forwardness," she began, her voice clear and carrying. "But are you, by chance, a scion of the lost Northern Moon Dynasty? A hidden prince walking incognito among the common folk?"
Sai Ji froze mid-step. "…The what?"
Her eyes lit up, mistaking his bewildered horror for confirmation of a secret identity.
"It is you! The bearing, the aura of concealed majesty… it all fits!"
"It is NOT me!" he managed to choke out.
Undeterred, she closed the distance and grasped his wrist with a firm, gloved hand. "I am Lady Aeliana of House Nightblossom. I would be honored to form a provisional adventuring party with Lord… Moonborn, was it?"
"I'm not moon-anything! My name is Sai!"
"You shattered the Guild Classification Crystal."
"That was a system error!"
"You carry an Unranked black card."
"It's a…clerical mistake!"
"You just cleared a nest of fifty slimes in under ten seconds without drawing a weapon."
"THEY RAN AWAY! THEY WERE STARTLED!"
One of her knights chose that moment to drop to a knee, fist over his heart. "We pledge our service to you, my lord! Our blades are yours!"
Sai Ji dragged his hands down his face, a groan of pure anguish escaping him. "OH, FOR THE LOVE OF— CAN ONE PERSON IN THIS CITY JUST LET ME BE A NORMAL, BORING, FORGETTABLE ADVENTURER?!"
From behind him, his bodyguards offered sympathetic, utterly unhelpful nods.
"Thisis your version of normal, Master," Fen stated.
"Quite subdued,actually," Lura agreed. "Last time, you were declared a public nuisance by three city-states before the morning bell."
Sal Vera's laughter was a warm, merry ribbon in his mind. This is your fate, my King. To be a lodestone for chaos and devotion. Embrace the narrative.
"Nope," Sai Ji declared, turning on his heel. "I'm done. I'm going back to the dungeon. At least the giant wolf sleeping down there doesn't try to recruit me."
Lady Aeliana was not so easily dismissed. She hurried after him, her silks rustling. "Wait, my lord! Please! Consider the strategic advantage!"
The Guild Master bellowed from the main doors, "NIGHTBLOSSOM! STOP HARASSING THE NEW RECRUITS!"
From a nearby table, the elite party watched, their jealousy now tinged with awe. "Is he being scouted by a High House? On his first day?"
"Unfair! His cheekbones have more pull than our entire trophy collection!"
Aeliana caught the edge of Sai Ji's cloak. "Lord Moonblossom—"
"THAT IS EVEN WORSE!"
He broke into a brisk walk, then a jog, weaving through the crowded guild hall toward the exit, a beautiful noblewoman and her clanking knightly entourage in determined pursuit.
"WHY IS MY LIFE LIKE THIS?!" he cried out to no one in particular.
Because you are a story waiting to happen, Sal Vera replied, her tone fond. And stories are never quiet.
The Testing Hall Debacle
Sai Ji did not make it to the exit. Aeliana, with the relentless grace of a predator, intercepted him at the mouth of a side corridor marked "Combat Proficiency & Party Compatibility."
"You're clearly masking your true capabilities," she stated, not a question. "As a future pillar of Silvermarch's adventuring community, I, Lady Aeliana Nightblossom, vow to uncover and protect your secret!"
Sai Ji turned his head toward her with the slow, creaking motion of a doomed man. "My secret… is that I want to be left alone."
"Nonsense!" She gestured grandly to the hall. "True talent must be evaluated! For the good of the party!"
From across the guild, the Master's voice carried, frayed with desperation. "FOR THE LAST TIME, LADY NIGHTBLOSSOM, NOT EVERY ATTRACTIVE NEWCOMER IS A DISGUISED NATIONAL TREASURY!"
Ignoring him, Aeliana marched into the testing hall, pulling a thoroughly resigned Sai Ji along. Her knights formed a solemn honor guard. Fen and Lura followed, their expressions those of veterans watching a rookie arm a grenade in a china shop.
The hall was long, lined with glowing runes that pulsed with diagnostic magic. At the far end stood a row of training dummies—hulking things of scarred oak and iron bindings.
Sai Ji pointed a trembling finger at them. "No. Absolutely not. I am not hitting that. Nothing good, noble, or structurally sound has ever happened when I hit something."
Aeliana's smile was radiant and utterly impervious to reason. "It's perfectly safe! Standard-issue guild training dummies. They withstand up to a Tier 3 crushing blow."
"It is objectively not safe," Lura whispered to her, leaning in conspiratorially. "For the dummy, the floor beneath it, and the structural integrity of this wing."
Aeliana blinked. "I beg your pardon?"
"He's exaggerating," Sai Ji said quickly, shooting a glare at Lura. "He thinks he's funny."
Fen leaned in on her other side, his voice a grave murmur. "It is not humor. It is hazard assessment. We have schedules for this."
Aeliana looked between the two devastatingly serious faces, then at Sai Ji's pleading expression. She paled slightly but rallied her noble resolve. "Fine! We'll start small!"
She snapped her fingers. One of her knights wheeled forward a different dummy—a petite, knee-high thing used for novice accuracy drills.
Sai Ji stared at it. "That thing will cease to exist."
"It is magically reinforced for beginners!"
"It is a death trap wearing wood stain."
She rolled her eyes, the picture of aristocratic impatience. "Just tap it. A love tap. Show me your form."
Sai Ji sighed, the sound of a man accepting his tragic destiny. "Fine. A tap. The gentlest of touches. Like… like poking a soap bubble."
He raised a single finger, focusing all his will on restraint, on containing the ocean of power that slept behind the amulet's glamour.
The bodyguards both took a synchronized step back.
My King, perhaps a focused thought of— Sal Vera began.
BOOM.
Sai Ji's fingertip made contact with the dummy's head.
The dummy did not crack, splinter, or fall over. It disintegrated. One second it was a small training tool, the next it was an expanding cloud of ultra-fine oak dust, billowing out to coat the first ten feet of the hall in a fine, tan powder.
Aeliana did not move. She did not breathe. She stood like a statue of Shock, finely carved from noble lineage and sheer disbelief.
Her knights were frozen mid-action, one still holding the now-empty dolly.
Sai Ji waved a hand through the settling dust cloud and sighed, a long, soul-deep exhalation. "I told you."
Aeliana's head turned mechanically from the pile of dust that was once a dummy, to Sai Ji, and back again. "You…" she began, her voice hollow. "You are not level one."
"I am LITERALLY level one! The system says so! The black card says so! My entire, miserable existence screams 'level one'!"
"But—" she flailed a hand at the dust— "people don't reduce reinforced training aids to their base molecules with a tap!"
Sai Ji held up the offending finger. "It was a gentle tap. I was envisioning butterflies."
"MASTER," Fen intoned quietly, "your conceptualization of 'gentle' has historically been linked to seismic events and the spontaneous formation of canyons."
"I WAS TRYING TO BE NORMAL!"
Aeliana stepped closer, the dust settling in her hair like bizarre pollen. Her eyes were no longer shocked; they were gleaming with the fervent light of discovery. "You're a hidden weapon. A royal asset sealed in a mortal form. A sleeper agent for a forgotten kingdom."
"I'm a guy who wants to clean slimes for silver!"
"You're cursed! Cursed with unimaginable, reality-warping strength!"
"No—"
"You're the mortal vessel of a wrathful god!"
His bodyguards, in unison: "Warmer."
Sai Ji:"WILL YOU TWO PLEASE STOP—"
Aeliana ignored them, clasping his dusty hands in her own with terrifying sincerity. "Lord Moonblossom—"
"THAT IS NOT MY NAME AND I WILL FIGHT YOU FOR IT."
"—I will not abandon you to this confusing,destructive power! I hereby pledge myself to your party! To guide you! To… to channel this miracle!"
"I DO NOT HAVE A PARTY!"
"You do now!It's called 'The Miraculous Catastrophe and Her Noble Patron'! I'm workshopping the name!"
The door to the hall slammed open. The Guild Master stood there, chest heaving, a vein throbbing in his temple. "WHO AUTHORIZED— LADY NIGHTBLOSSOM, BY ALL THAT IS HOLY AND PAPERWORK-FREE, LEAVE THE WALKING NATURAL DISASTER ALONE!"
Aeliana shot him a brilliant, unrepentant smile. "I am recruiting a prodigy!"
"He is LEVEL ONE!"
"He is a MIRACLE!"
"He OBLITERATED a novice dummy!"
"PRECISELY!THAT'S WHAT MAKES HIM A MIRACLE!"
The Guild Master simply put his head in his hands. "I'm too old for this. I should have been a gardener. Roses don't explode when you look at them funny."
In the background, unnoticed by the principals, Fen and Lura had begun a low-argument.
Fern: "I am clearly the more aesthetically suited to be the 'Pretty' one in this dynamic. My bone structure alone causes minor traffic disruptions."
Lura:"You? You have the resting expression of a disappointed gargoyle. I am the Pretty. My lethality is a graceful accessory."
Sal Vera's voice cut between them,amused and final: You are both exceptionally pretty murder-blossoms. Now cease your preening and watch your King. He's about to have an aneurysm.
Sai Ji, in the center of the room, slowly raised his dust-covered face to the ceiling, a single, perfect tear of frustration tracing a clean line through the grime on his cheek.
Aeliana beamed at him, radiant with noble purpose. "See? Even your despair is poetically tragic. It's perfect. Cursed heroes have the best ballads, you know. And the most dedicated followings."
Sai Ji did not scream. He had transcended screaming. He had achieved a state of silent, cosmic resignation.
Sal, he thought, the mental voice flat as stone.
Yes, my King?she replied, sweetness personified.
This isn't charm. This isn't a story.
Then what is it?
He closed his eyes,the image of the vaporized dummy, the bowing slimes, and Aeliana's fervent face burning behind his lids.
It's a system error. And I'm the bug.