FEW things before we go in, This fic is UNHINGED. Not crack… but unhinged. There's a difference. You'll see.
The gacha system? Completely, absolutely, disrespectfully RANDOM. I'm talking separate wheels by tier, pure RNG, no mercy, no rerolls, no plot armor
Also, ONLY ONE STAND. No swapping, no Pokémon collection, no Stand harem. One Stand, one evolution path, JoJo rules only.
Prepare for chaos.
And prepare for canon to be derailed until it's unrecognizable.
*****
Wolfgang Doofenshmirtz was walking down the streets of New York on his phone, completely absorbed in watching the peak of entertainment, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure.
"ORA!""ORA!""ORA!""ORA!""ORA!""ORA!""ORA!""ORA!""ORA!""ORA!""ORA!""ORA!"
"MUDA!""MUDA!""MUDA!""MUDA!""MUDA!""MUDA!""MUDA!""MUDA!""MUDA!"
Part 3, to be exact. His friend had finally convinced him to watch the anime. Wolfgang had always thought it was a waste of time. "Why watch something you've already read multiple times?" he had said over and over.
But wow… he regretted the heresy that had slipped from his mouth after he reached Part 2. It was just beautiful, seeing Joseph be Joseph in animated glory was… mouthwatering… no homo tho.
And don't even get him started on the intros. The way the music hit, the dramatic poses, the sheer style… it was almost criminal how good it was.
He could barely contain his excitement for Part 4, seeing Josuke's impossibly styled hair brought to life was going to be a masterpiece. And now, with Steel Ball Run finally confirmed to be animated, Wolfgang could only think: "MAN, WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE, BABY!"
Reaching a crosswalk, he looked up from his phone to check the light, only to see…
A truck.
Right in front of him.
No driver in the seat.
Just sitting there.
Completely stationary.
Wolfgang raised an eyebrow. Why was a random truck parked in the middle of a crosswalk? In New York, sure, people did stupid things, but this was a bit much.
Wolfgang raised an eyebrow. Before he could even form a second thought, the truck's headlights flicked on, blasting him with high beams.
"AH-! Dude, what the hell!? My retinas!"
And then he heard it.
A sound no man should ever hear from an empty vehicle.
A deep, mechanical growl.
Like an engine waking up… on its own.
Then,
CLANK. CLUNK. CH-CH-CH-CHK.
"Wait… no shot-"
The truck stood up.
Panels shifted. Pistons extended. Tires folded into armor plating. The engine compartment split open like a ribcage revealing glowing neon parts. The entire body twisted and unfolded with the exact same sound effect from Transformers, loud, dramatic, and definitely illegal without copyright permission.
After its transformation.
A 18 foot tall humanoid robot rose over him, metal gleaming under the city lights.
Wolfgang stared up, jaw dropping.
"BRO-WHAT-THIS ISN'T EVEN THE RIGHT FRANCHISE!!"
Then Wolfgang felt it
The air grew heavy.
The atmosphere thickened.
"ゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴ"
This truck…no
This thing…
It was TERRIFYING.
Wolfgang, seeing the towering metal monstrosity crouch forward with glowing red eyes, didn't even hesitate. Instinct overtook logic. Muscle memory kicked in.
He immediately activated the ancient, time-honored Joestar family technique,
OF RUNNING AWAY!
He spun on his heel
but before he could even take a single step, the world blurred.
FWIP.
The truck-robot flash-stepped in front of him.
A full-on anime teleport.
Wolfgang skidded to a stop so hard his shoes squeaked.
"AH HELL NAH YOUR ASS IS TWEAKING TRUCK-KU-"
Before he could finish that sentence
The robot leaned in slowly, metallic faceplate shifting into something that could only be described as a smirk. Its eyes glowed an even deeper, more evil red.
Then…
It inhaled.
And bellowed,
"MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA!!"
Before Wolfgang could even process it, a barrage of metal fists slammed into him.
Followed by more.
And more.
"MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA!"
Wolfgang's whole world shook as the blows came faster than his brain could register,
"MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA!
MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA!
MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDA! MUDAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
With the final punch, a blow that sounded like a meteor slamming into Earth, Wolfgang's body twisted in midair like a ragdoll.
CRACK-WHAM!!
He was launched straight through the air and into the side of a nearby building.
BOOOOOOM!!
Concrete split. Windows shattered. A cloud of dust and debris erupted like an explosion scene from an action movie. Blood splattered across the cracked wall, dripping down in messy streaks.
Wolfgang's phone clattered to the ground, JoJo still playing faintly from the shattered screen,
"Yare yare daze…"
Smoke lingered.
Silence.
Then,
SHWING!
The robot-truck slid one foot forward.
Placed its metal hands on its hips.
Tilted its head at a perfect 45-degree angle. And struck a pose so FABULOUS, so DIVINE, so impossibly JOJO-LICIOUS, that even the universe itself seemed to add sparkles around it. Its engine revved like a victory cry. In glowing neon letters behind it appeared the word,
『POSE! ! ! ! ! !』
While Truck-kun celebrated his dramatic triumph, Wolfgang's mangled body lay half-buried in the rubble of the building, dust settling over him like snow.
Everything hurt.
Everything was broken.
And all he could think was
'Damn… this is really how I go? Death by ten-page Truck MUDA?'
His vision blurred, darkness creeping in around the edges.
He coughed, blood trickling from his lips as a final, pitiful thought floated through his fading consciousness,
'Damn you… Tuck… Kun…'
The world dimmed.
His eyes closed.
And Wolfgang Doofenshmirtz died.