chapter 5 - secrets drarry

Chapter Five

"I think you're ready," Draco said on Sunday.

Harry swallowed heavily. "I hope so," he muttered. He was incredibly nervous, despite knowing that he was far ahead of where he'd ever been in the past in regards to learning Occlumency. Snape had completely skipped the step Harry had just been working on almost non-stop for five days.

"Are you ready for this?" Draco asked, getting his wand out and contradicting his last statement.

Harry eyed Draco's wand apprehensively. "No," he said, but nodded his head anyway.

"Clear your mind," Draco demanded.

Harry closed his eyes, appreciating the fact that he was actually given a chance to clear his mind first. Picturing the image of a shimmering defensive shield, he mentally placed it at the forefront of his mind, imagining all of his memories, thoughts and emotions being firmly tucked behind the shield. His mind was left clear and calm in front of that shimmering shield, no matter how much things were twisting behind it. Slowly he opened his eyes and nodded, trying to keep the shimmering shield in place.

"Legilimens," Draco said firmly.

Harry stared hard and concentrated on his shield, but after just a couple seconds he could feel it fall and Draco slipped into his mind.

Malfoy pushing him up against the wall outside the Potions classroom . . . In Snape's office with the man towering over him and yelling . . . Feeling of rage when meeting Dumbledore's eyes briefly before disappearing with the Portkey . . . the door at the end of the hallway . . . the veil inside the maze of rooms . . . Sirius falling . . .

Harry shoved at the presence in his mind, and returned to reality, gasping for breath. His head was already throbbing unmercifully. Draco watched him with cool detachment, not helping, not hindering.

After a couple of minutes, Harry concentrated on erecting his shield again, clearing his mind. He looked at Draco and gave a slight nod. He was able to keep it in place for a few seconds before it fell, allowing Draco access again.

Flashes of the two books of the Half-Blood Prince . . . Working in the Potions classroom . . . Drinking with Slughorn and Hagrid in Hagrid's hut . . .

Harry shoved hard, and landed on his hands and knees as if he'd been pushing his whole body forward, not just trying to push Draco out of his mind. Again he was left gasping for breath and his head was pounding, but now he also felt physically ill. He swallowed heavily, tasting the bile that was threatening to rise.

He heard Draco sit down on the edge of the bed and knew that they were done for the moment.

"Is there a pattern to the images?" Draco asked evenly.

"Yes," Harry choked out, slowly sitting back on his heels.

Draco gazed at him steadily and Harry didn't have a clue what was going on behind that calm mask.

"Why do I always feel so sick afterwards?" Harry moaned.

"Because it's invasive," Draco answered. "Mind and body are rejecting the presence that doesn't belong there."

"Oh," Harry said. "Makes sense, I suppose."

"It also has a lot to do with the fact that you are consciously trying to reject the presence," Draco went on in lecture mode.

Harry gave him an odd look. He recognized lecture mode because of Hermione, but he wasn't used to hearing it from Draco. At least, not until the last few days.

"If you weren't trying to actually fight it, your body wouldn't be protesting so vehemently," Draco added.

"Lovely," Harry said sarcastically. "So the sicker I am, the more successful I was at fighting it?"

"Something like that," Draco smirked. "You actually aren't doing half bad. Plenty of room for improvement, though." He hesitated. "Are you ready to go again? It'll only get easier and better with practice."

Determined to finally learn Occlumency, Harry pushed aside his feelings of being ill and closed his eyes, beginning to erect his shield again.

* * * * *

Over the course of another week, Harry was actually in much better shape than he'd been in for a long while. With the meditation techniques, he was finding it easier to get to sleep and get away from his constantly revolving thoughts. He still had nightmares, but the insomnia had eased dramatically, so overall he was sleeping more.

He was improving. He could hold the shield in place for longer and longer periods of time. Then Draco started pushing harder, applying more force to try to break through. Harry began working on building up the strength of his shield as well as its duration. He was also learning to erect it faster. It wasn't automatic yet, but he was beginning to believe that he would reach that point. He practised constantly, with the single-minded attention he usually only applied to things like Quidditch.

Draco commented very little on the flashes of images he saw in Harry's mind and Harry was continually grateful that Draco didn't question him. He wasn't sure what exactly was holding Draco in restraint, considering that normally he would've been taunting Harry with all the little pieces of information he'd learned.

They were getting along far better than they ever had in the past, though, Harry was forced to admit. He didn't completely trust Draco, but he knew that for whatever reason, he wasn't concerned about the other boy revealing anything he might've learned.

Friendly banter was mixed in with their arguments more than ever. Time was spent with Victoria and with Harry's Occlumency lessons, but they also spent time just talking. Harry had to wonder about his sanity, but he found himself beginning to look forward to Draco's visits.

Mid-week, Harry finally decided to broach a topic he'd been wondering about. "How are you getting out of the house every day to come here?" he asked.

Draco tensed. "My mum thinks I'm off visiting my friends. She doesn't like it, but she allows it because it at least gets me out of my room for awhile," he said.

"Malfoy, who are your friends?" Harry asked warily.

Draco was quiet for a long time, and Harry had about given up on the idea that he would answer. "Crabbe and Goyle were lackeys," he said abruptly. "Pansy was about image. Millicent was an attachment to Pansy. I used them. They weren't friends."

"What about Zabini?" Harry asked hesitantly, knowing Draco was angry, but not quite sure who or what Draco was angry about.

Draco's eyes closed for a few moments. "Blaise used to be my friend," he said, his voice tight.

"He's not now?" Harry asked.

"Potter, I don't want to talk about this," Draco snapped.

"Why isn't he your friend any more?" Harry persisted. "Is it because of you being here now? Or did something happen before?"

"Blaise isn't politically-inclined," Draco said angrily. "I had a task to complete, extremely politically-oriented. I got rid of him."

Harry blinked, trying to understand. "You got rid of him," he said flatly.

"I pushed him away, Potter," Draco said impatiently. "He was my friend and I didn't want him getting involved and I didn't want him interfering."

"Would he have interfered?" Harry asked.

Draco seemed to deflate a little. "I don't know," he admitted.

"You miss him," Harry stated.

Draco looked away, not answering.

Harry spent far more time than he probably should have over the next couple days thinking about that conversation. He knew he needed to be getting back to the Horcrux issue, especially now that he was finally becoming much more proficient in Occlumency.

He still found himself wondering about Draco and Blaise, though. He found it a little disturbing when he wondered if Draco wanted to consider Blaise as more than a friend, and he tried hard not to think about that. Instead, he focused on the fact that Draco didn't seem to have any friends.

He hadn't missed the fact that Draco seemed happier when he arrived at the Dursleys than we he left. He didn't think it was all because of Victoria, either. Harry was simply the only company Draco had besides his mother most of the time and that bothered Harry's Gryffindor sensibilities.

Of course, he ignored the fact that other than Victoria and Winky, a baby and a house-elf, Draco was pretty much his only company. He knew he had friends waiting for him who would welcome him with open arms. Draco appeared to be awfully alone.

So, when Harry found himself writing to his friends Friday afternoon, in a response to another one of Hermione's letters, he ended up painstakingly writing a letter to Blaise Zabini as well.

He hesitated before sending it, wondering if he was being an idiot. Technically he didn't even know where Draco's loyalties lay. It didn't exactly make sense to be trying to sort out another Slytherin's loyalties. For what purpose? Because he felt sorry for Draco? Because talking to Blaise might give him more information about Draco?

Telling himself it wouldn't hurt to try to drum up some more information and try to feel out another possible ally, Harry went ahead and sent the letter.

* * * * *

"Where's Snape?" Harry asked.

Draco gave him a sharp look. "Why?"

"Because I want to know," Harry retorted.

"Potter, I can't tell you that," Draco snapped. "And I think you know that and that's why you haven't asked me until now."

"You're living with him," Harry said. "Or he's living with you," he amended.

Draco's eyes narrowed. "He's the one helping to keep me and my mother alive."

Harry nodded. He'd pretty much come to that conclusion, even though he didn't understand it all. "Why is Snape so interested in protecting you and your mother?"

Draco dropped his gaze to the baby he was holding, and appeared to be debating his answer. "He's my godfather," he finally admitted.

Harry blinked in surprise. He hadn't been expecting that, but now he realized it made a lot of sense. Snape was doing what he could to protect his own family, even if said family were on the wrong side of the war.

Groaning, Harry realized that he and Snape were likely both on the Light side while trying to protect a family on the Dark side—the same family. Then he thought of something else and looked at Draco sharply.

"I know you haven't switched sides because you're trying to protect your family," he said, watching Draco closely. "Does this mean you won't switch sides because of Snape—because he's actually a part of your family?"

Draco sighed heavily, looking like he really didn't want to answer, but he did anyway. "I don't have any hope that he'll ever switch sides," he said flatly. "I think my mother may be willing to go into hiding, but there are just so many things to take into consideration."

Harry was reminded of the fact that Draco needed options and Harry had yet to actually present him with a viable option. They'd been existing in limbo while Harry had learned Occlumency, but now it was time for things to change.

Draco didn't look at all comfortable with the way the conversation was going and Harry let it drop. With renewed determination, though, Harry silently vowed that he would somehow come up with a viable option for Draco—he would figure out a safe place for Draco and his family to get away from Voldemort.

It would be up to Draco then to make the choice.

* * * * *

When Draco arrived the next morning, Harry was ready to go.

"How long can you stay today?" Harry asked.

"Until lunchtime, the same as I've been doing all week," Draco said pointedly. "Why?"

"Because I've got things to do this morning, and I'm going to need Winky," Harry answered. "You'll be on your own here with Victoria most of the morning. It's Sunday, so even my relatives are out of town. It'll be just you two here. Can you handle that?"

Draco looked a little nervous, and maybe even a little disappointed. "Where are you going?" he asked.

Harry shook his head. "I can't tell you," he said. "I just need to start getting things done. I've been here for a little over a month already, but I can't stay here forever. I've got leads that I have to start following up on."

Draco was staring at Victoria, looking a little lost and nervous still. This would be the first time he'd ever truly be by himself with his daughter. Harry hastened to reassure him by instructing Winky to respond if Draco called at all that morning for help.

Harry left for Grimmauld Place, feeling nervous himself. He wasn't worried about Draco, but he was worried about what he'd find at the old house.

Harry slipped into the dreary house, hating the fact that this was where he planned on living. He planned on summoning Winky and seeing what she could do to help make the place at least halfway liveable for him and Victoria—and hopefully Draco. But first he wanted to check if there were any more odd messages left for him in the kitchen. The room always had been the main meeting place in the house.

"Expelliarmus!"

As soon as he pushed open the door to the kitchen, his wand went flying from his pocket. Eyes darting about wildly, Harry spotted Snape glaring at him with his wand aimed directly at Harry's chest.

"Bloody hell!" Harry yelled. "What was that for?"

"You are no more cautious than you have ever been, Potter," Snape said coldly.

"Yeah, well, this place is safe," Harry muttered, moving towards the table and flopping down in one of the dusty chairs. He was trying to be casual, but he still watched Snape warily. He was very conscious of the fact that if he was wrong about Snape's loyalties, then he was already in a world of trouble.

Snape's eyes narrowed dangerously. "And what makes you believe this place is safe?"

"Well, from what I can determine, only you and I even have access to this house at the moment," Harry answered.

Snape snorted disparagingly. "You believe you are safe with me?" he asked, not denying that they were the only two able to cross the wards on the residence.

Harry took a deep breath but then lifted his head to meet Snape's gaze steadily. "I think so," he said, proud of keeping his tone calm and even.

He was extremely satisfied with his efforts when a flash of surprise crossed Snape's features. Of course, Snape was immediately back to sneering at him, but Harry expected that.

"You didn't believe yourself so safe with me the last time we met," Snape said.

"Of course not! You'd just killed Dumbledore!" Harry shouted, his anger getting the best of him. "What was I supposed to believe?"

"And what has so drastically changed your opinion?" Snape sneered, eyes narrowed suspiciously.

Harry snapped his mouth shut on the retort that sprung to his lips. He turned away from Snape. That was a damned good question. He was still feeling conflicted regarding that situation, but here he was, seemingly willing to put his trust in Snape.

Harry believed what Draco had told him regarding Snape. Draco hadn't been trying to convince him that Snape was a good guy. In fact, just the opposite. The information from Draco, combined with what Harry knew, led to Snape still being a spy for the Light side. Not that he could tell Snape any of that, though.

He heaved a shuddering breath. "Dumbledore said you could be trusted," Harry said.

"As you've already stated, I killed him, Potter," Snape said stiffly. "Clearly Dumbledore placed his trust where he shouldn't have."

Harry stared at the man blankly, trying to process what he'd just heard. "He would've died anyway," he said slowly. "Dumbledore was helping to save all of us when he pleaded with you to kill him. He certainly wasn't pleading with you to spare his life."

He shook his head absently, continuing to voice his thoughts and his reasoning out loud. "He trusted you to protect us. I think he might have actually been making a final plea for you to help me. I think he was helping to protect you and your spy status."

He met Snape's gaze. "He was dying anyway, but you would still be able to help in the war if your cover wasn't broken—which meant he pleaded with you to kill him under the circumstances."

Snape returned Harry's gaze with a steady expression but his eyes were glittering with some emotion Harry couldn't interpret.

Harry looked away again. "I contributed to his death as much as you did," he stated, his voice only catching slightly. "I don't think either of us wanted to do it, but we both did exactly as he wanted," he said, the bitterness leaking into his voice, replacing the pain. "The irony is that you wouldn't have likely been placed in that position if Dumbledore and I hadn't been doing what we did that night."

"Potter, you do not know the entire story of the events that night," Snape said harshly.

"Neither do you," Harry retorted. "And I know enough," he added. He knew that both of them were avoiding mention of Draco and his involvement.

"You know nothing," Snape sneered.

"I know you're a bastard, no matter which side you're on," Harry snapped irritably.

He was startled when Snape chuckled darkly. "Then I stand corrected. You do know one thing."

Harry dropped his head into his hands and laughed, a little hysterically, but he laughed. He was surprised when Snape cast a spell to clean off one of the other chairs before sitting down across from him.

"You believe we are on the same side," Snape said contemptuously.

"Yes," Harry answered warily, aware that it hadn't actually been a question.

Snape nodded curtly. "Then that will make this a little easier." His grimace belied how easy he thought it was. "I need you as a liaison."

"What?!" Harry exclaimed incredulously.

"A liaison, Potter," Snape sneered in contempt. "I need you as a means to pass information to the Order."

Harry stared at him blankly.

Snape snorted impatiently. "I am unable to connect with the Order myself. You can pass on necessary information that will help the Order to fight this war."

Harry understood what Snape was saying, but was having trouble comprehending that Snape was actually going to pass on the Death Eater plans to him. "You don't really think the Order is going to believe me if I try to pass on information, do you?"

"Potter," Snape said coldly. "You are able to pass off information as visions. There are those who know that will believe you without question."

Harry nodded slowly, working through that in his mind. "Who all knows I've had visions?" He was pretty sure Snape would know the answer, when ironically he himself had no idea.

"McGonagall and Lupin primarily," Snape said curtly. "The other members of the Order are aware there is some type of connection, but do not understand precisely how you are linked with the Dark Lord. Dumbledore did not believe they needed to know any more than that."

"Why don't you go to either of them yourself?" Harry asked.

"I killed their leader," Snape said, his voice harsh. "I am believed to be a traitor. I was not trusted before. None would believe me now."

"But you thought I'd believe you?" Harry asked incredulously.

Snape eyed him contemplatively. "You appear to," he said simply.

Harry blinked. He couldn't really argue with that. "Well, there surely has to be others who would believe you are still on the right side," Harry argued a different point. "Why not McGonagall or Lupin?"

"You are privy to more information," Snape explained, sounding more like Harry's professor at the moment. "I am aware that Dumbledore presented information to you that he presented to no one else. You may not know as much as I would prefer you to, but I believe you are aware of what it will actually take to end this war," he admitted.

Harry stared in astonishment as Snape continued. "The Order does not understand the internal workings of this war. The crux of the matter is that you are central to ending it."

Harry flinched at Snape's choice of wording and the man looked at him sharply. "Surely you know that you are at the heart of this war," he sneered.

Harry swallowed heavily. "Yes, I know," he muttered.

"Do you have any understanding of what you have to do?" Snape asked sharply.

"I know what I have to do, I've just got to figure out how to bloody do it," Harry answered bitterly.

"I suggest you figure it out soon," Snape said curtly.

"Of course," Harry said sarcastically, but thankful Snape wasn't actually questioning what he knew. Instead, Snape switched his line of questioning.

"Have you been practising?" he asked.

Harry groaned, knowing Snape was referring to his Occlumency and immediately closed his eyes and worked to erect his mental shield. "Yes," he answered. He wasn't surprised when a second later he felt Snape's probing presence.

Keeping his eyes squeezed tightly shut, Harry focused all his energy on keeping his shield in place. Snape let up after twenty seconds and Harry warily opened his eyes.

"Not acceptable yet," Snape said, but he was glaring at Harry suspiciously.

"I'm working on it!" Harry exclaimed.

Snape only nodded curtly before abruptly rising to his feet. "You will meet me here at eleven o'clock on Tuesday morning. Unfortunately, I have other plans tomorrow."

Harry heaved a sigh, not sure he wanted to know what other types of plans Snape had. "Yes, sir," he said bleakly. He had no idea how he was going to work things out with Victoria. "Sir?" he suddenly burst out.

Snape lifted a brow in question.

"Is it possible to bring other people in here with me?" Harry asked. "Will the wards allow that?"

"Dumbledore adjusted the wards to allow only you and myself, obviously predicting the need for a safe meeting place," Snape said harshly.

"I've figured that out," Harry snapped. "But I need to know how others could be brought in here."

"I'm not dealing with your little friends," Snape sneered contemptuously.

"Don't worry! I wasn't planning on subjecting them to have to deal with you," Harry sneered back.

Snape's nostrils flared even as his eyes narrowed dangerously. "Then who are you wanting to bring here?" he questioned.

Harry looked away, biting his lip. He wasn't sure how to explain Victoria and he didn't think it was a good idea to mention Draco yet.

"Hermione was wanting to check through the library here," Harry said, not technically answering the question, but making a truthful statement.

"I've already told you, Potter," Snape said coldly. "You will not be bringing them into this residence. I had thought you understood the risks for once."

"I do understand," Harry snapped. "Fine, I got the message."

"You will not be able to bring anyone else into this residence," Snape said, his voice low and dangerously threatening.

Harry narrowed his eyes. "If I ever chose to bring anyone here, I would make damned sure that it was someone that we could both trust."

"Just who do you want to bring here?" Snape asked. "I know there is someone."

Harry glared at him defiantly. "A baby! An innocent little baby that's just a victim of this war. She doesn't have a clue who I am, let alone who you are. I think she can be trusted," he said sarcastically.

Snape blinked once in surprise. "Where did you get a baby, and why isn't she with someone who could care for her properly?"

"It doesn't matter!" Harry shouted angrily. "She's just a victim and I don't want anyone knowing or they'll take her away from me!"

"You can't just claim a baby and you are too ignorant to know how to take care of one properly," Snape said disparagingly.

"It's none of your business and I wasn't asking for your permission!" Harry yelled. "I just wanted to know how to bring her in here so I could keep her safe!"

"Bloody idiot Gryffindors saving the damsel in distress," Snape sneered in disgust.

"If that's the way you want to see it, then yes," Harry snapped.

Snape leaned over, glaring. "Take her to the proper authorities, Potter." Then he stood straight, tossed Harry's wand onto the table and swept from the room. Seconds later Harry heard the front door close.

Harry groaned in frustration. He wanted to laugh hysterically at the irony that Snape would be doing what he could to protect Victoria if he understood just whose child she was.

"Winky," he said wearily.

She popped into the room almost instantly. He knew she'd been waiting for him to call for her. "Yes, Master Harry?"

Then she caught sight of the room and shrieked in horror. "Master Harry, this is not fitting for you or Mistress Victoria."

"I know," Harry sighed. He hated doing this, because it seemed awful to place all this work on anyone, but he would do it anyway. "Winky, I need you to try to make the kitchen and one of the bedrooms habitable for us. You'll need to clean someplace for yourself as well." He looked around the filthy kitchen. "I reckon the basement here is the best place to start."

Her head was bobbing furiously. "Yes, Master Harry. Winky will start right away."

"I'm sorry I've had to ask this of you, but we need this," he said.

"Winky will take care of everything," she said firmly. "Would Master Harry like Winky to get food as well?"

Harry frowned. "You can do that?" he asked. He'd never put much thought into it. He knew house-elves did all the cooking, but had no idea who did the shopping.

Winky was nodding enthusiastically. To Harry's amazement, she explained to him about the markets that were designed especially for house-elves. Many house-elves were expected to do the mundane shopping for a household. When he questioned her about the money, she described a process that reminded Harry a little of a credit card exchange. He didn't quite understand it, but somehow her magical signature was linked with his own, and anytime she purchased anything, some paperwork would be sent to Gringott's and the money taken from his account.

It seemed a little dodgy to Harry, but she politely informed him that all families with house-elves were used to this type of transaction. Being bound to him, she couldn't make purchases for anyone else and she would never purchase anything unnecessary.

"Well, how do we get the goblins to take the money from my Black vault and not my Potter vault?" Harry asked curiously.

"Master Harry will have to tell the goblins," Winky said primly.

Harry groaned. "Lovely," he muttered. It seemed Winky could take care of a lot of the shopping for necessities for the household, but he had to initially inform the goblins of the binding. She assured him that it was a quick and easy process, but somehow Harry had to wonder. Nothing ever seemed to be quick and easy.

Harry took Winky and they snuck into Gringott's. Or rather, Harry snuck into Gringott's and Winky popped up beside him again, right inside the main doors. He was thankful that there weren't the extremely long lines like the summer before.

He was pleasantly surprised when it was as simple as Winky had said. A little bit of paperwork, a couple of magical signature checks on both of them and they were pretty much set. Harry was even more thankful when he didn't see anyone he recognized. He sent Winky back to Grimmauld Place to work on making it liveable for them, while he Apparated back to Privet Drive.