"Arabian niiiight…" Music plays in the background.
Sound of keyboard clacking.
"And there's level 19, phew." A minute of silence "Damn, how low have I sunk? Playing the vanilla version of WoW?"
"Eh, I hope that year-old guide about a community and guilds of perverts still playing vanilla wasn't lying! Plus I own Shadowlands. And with the new level squish I get access to 60-70% of all zones! At least I'll see what was in Battle for Azeroth—I never played it. Well, motivational minute over." Taking a sip from my favorite 2-liter mug of lemon tea, I lazily stretched and finally paused the Aladdin movie playing in the minimized YouTube window that was covering the chat. "What a great invention of modernity! Minimizing a playing video into a tiny window that crawls to the corner—so it's not so boring to farm mobs."
After scratching my head a bit, I lazily got up from the desk and headed to my porcelain throne. At the same time pondering that my passion for MAGIC! In this case specifically for mages, was still strong in my blood, but playing a druid was just easier and more convenient.
The exception was Shadowlands when they added that legendary neck that gives three shields at once! A mage-shield thicker than your entire HP bar—that's straight-up cheating!
No real healing though, and I don't count ice block or the food table! Truth be told, things like "balance" and a beefy shield finally reconciled me with reality—so I finally leveled a mage!
Tried some arenas, realized feral druid was still closer and more pleasant to my heart, and standing still while casting is torture! That's exactly why I never played balance druid either. The only consolation was that I at least completed the Legion class campaign—damn, mages have an awesome class hall!
But all the content and both Wisdom keepers I still cleared on druid! Flight form and moonkin starfall sped up zone traversal to truly cosmic levels! And cat invis, combined with bear tankiness and its self-healing—let me breeze through old instances like nothing!
For a moment flashbacks hit of how I started on paladin, believing in goodness and justice… but harsh reality, mass condemnation, mockery of paladins, growing up, cynicism, and Pandaria! Yeah, Pandaria spared no one! They all did their dirty work.
Plopping down on the porcelain throne and assuming the pose of the great thinker, I continued my musings, now out loud. "Eh, if only I could start everything over… not in the sense of leveling another character! But completely from scratch! Become a transmigrator or something? Knowing myself—a harem isn't in the cards, but at least I wouldn't repeat so many past mistakes! Maybe even get a childhood friend? And this time not stupidly ruin our communication! And magic, yeah."
I thought about magic and its variations. "Into Harry Potter, but definitely not as the glasses kid! Some half-blood or Muggleborn—I don't think I'd meddle with the plot! But I'd try to steal Hermione or Luna… yeah, Luna is pure kawaii concentrate!"
Cuties can be forgiven a lot! Even insanity… though girls usually call it "a highlight." In a way I'm forced to agree! A unique worldview and perception of reality really are part of her charm.
For a moment hundreds of HP fanfics flashed through my mind, and the thought of a fem-Harry—Harriette. "Ahem, or Harriet. Though then I'm afraid I'd have to dive into canon and go murder the Dursleys! Oh yeah, I can already see it—a 7–11-year-old brat storms Dursleyban and saves the princess… no, nonsense! Though killing the Dursleys alone would've made the old fart move his ass and at least dump her with the Weasleys! Good or bad, it would still count as an improvement in living conditions!"
I pondered my own statement and decided to add. "Well, living conditions… more like treatment and food! Which is already a lot! In any case I'd definitely count that as a good deed! And sleep easier."
From behind the wall came a sound like a drill.
"Damn, knocked me out of my thoughts… what was I saying? Oh yeah, transmigrators! Let's take Konosuba with Aqua! Also not a bad world—real RPG, leveling, magic! And cutie Eris/Chris…"
Sigh.
"No, on screen everything's perfect! But again a girl with 'a highlight,' in this case—kleptomania! Now, catching a goddess's avatar—of luck or whoever she is?—red-handed stealing and then thanking that same goddess for the luck! While making all sorts of lewd hints about the avatar's future fate—that would be brutal!? As a joke it would be glorious! But I'm afraid divine retribution or a reserved seat in hell would be booked instantly!" My face spread into a satisfied grin all by itself. "My sense of humor is both my gift and my curse! Shame only I can usually appreciate it. Yeah."
The drill sound intensifies and starts resembling an engine roar.
I squint and stare at the bathroom door—something tells me this isn't good. The drill option is out—it's either a car or a diesel generator? But who the hell needs a generator in a regular panel apartment building? And considering I'm on the 5th floor…
Hmm, in theory they could be working on the building wall and it's the sound from a cradle with builders—façade finishing and all. But a construction cradle with a diesel generator? Sounds like bullshit…
Eh, whatever—I already have a hunch what might be waiting beyond the door. I both believe and don't believe it—miracles and MAGIC can happen! But life has taught me—I get the middle finger, not miracles! Gathering all my courage, I open the door.
In the center of the hallway stands an ordinary Russian KamAZ truck. The hallway space begins rapidly expanding, time slows down.
With some kind of mesmerized stare I watch the doorway widen and my arm still holding the handle stretch and move away, one thought shoots through—inflated space! Holy…
The KamAZ lurches forward and rapidly approaches.
Even with my poor eyesight I manage to make out the bumper, which instead of a license plate reads—isekai! Thoughts race lightning-fast—don't want to die, but I'm ready! In the sense that I literally just wished for this! No fear, no friends or family…
For a moment the thought flashes that I don't even have much money, so nothing to lose.
As long as there's magic! Aaaand… damn, this is gonna be the most embarrassing death! With pants down on the toilet! But you can immediately tell someone really went all out! With all this expanded space, and I doubt I can somehow escape. Need to add some pathos! Come on, quick! I spread my arms wide and…
Squeaky voice of a Japanese schoolgirl. "Nani…"
Somewhere, unknown how much time later.
And where is everyone?! I've been hanging here for about an hour already! Something tells me that pathetic "Nani" at the end was unnecessary! Came out like a scared schoolgirl… damn, they're probably sitting there laughing their asses off right now! I mean the gods—who else would go to such lengths!
And I can't even twitch—no, literally—no body sensation, can't speak either… tried to look around and turn, but it's just darkness all around! So I'm not even sure I managed to turn—to look around.
There's nothing here I could fix my gaze on as a reference point! Which greatly complicates inspection and makes me wonder—am I still looking where I was looking at the very beginning? Or did I actually turn?
By feeling several hours have already passed—still darkness and no one! Thoughts start visiting that the shawarma I bought near the building was spoiled and caused hallucinations! Because of which I died from… I don't even know what. Poisoning, probably?
The thought that rescuers/police or whoever breaks into my apartment because of the strange smell—will laugh their asses off for a long time. I can already imagine what the death conclusion will say—cause of death: rectal stroke!
Deep in my soul I calm myself that I surpassed Kazuma in epicness! He only died trying to save a girl by jumping under Truck-kun, but because of the sun couldn't see it was an old tractor and died of fright! Rectal stroke is clearly more epic—I'm still waiting for the promised isekai!
Already—fuck knows how much time has passed. Maybe a week? Hard to tell. So as not to go insane and preserve my personality—I try to remember my life, it's rough going. Even in life I rarely remembered what happened a week ago—no, there were bright moments!
Like how I managed to crawl through a window on a dare or got angry and pushed a girl off a swing… that moment still torments me, and it's been 20 years! So I start recalling plots of movies, games, books.
I don't even try to count time anymore and gave up on it. The thought increasingly visits that this is purgatory or something—where the soul slowly loses memories and disappears into nowhere, or gets cleansed to the core and then sent to reincarnation.
Still frantically replaying everything I remember, but more and more often I wonder about the point of continuing this torture? Like—relax and forget everything! And that's it—you're a corpse, completely, you no longer exist! But faith in MAGIC, miracle, and reincarnation with memory preservation is still strong. I try to look at it philosophically—many fanfics had a moment with such a trial.
Unknown where and when.
I'm still here. Starting to wonder—maybe I've already been reborn and now I'm Illidan? In the sense he was also blind, chained in prison, and… hadn't seen women in 10,000 years! Though in fairness there were women, possibly even naked. Talking about the wardens. Eh, apparently I'm still not Illidan—he could at least talk! And had some kind of vision—even if magical!
And he had company! He could at least try to seduce the wardens while slowly going insane! Maybe he would've escaped. Or at least had someone to talk to—which in our similar state is already a LOT!
On the other hand—women who sit in a dungeon for 10,000 years guarding a magical prison powered by the prisoner… I can't imagine a more autistic and pointless occupation! I mean, they're simply not needed there!
Of course Legion showed various demons and other imprisoned "demon hunters" in the prison—then it might make sense. Though Illidan was under Hyjal, and that complex was near Suramar on the Broken Isles—which were flooded before that!
Meaning there were no wardens there. If you think about it—canon inconsistencies are visible. If the islands were flooded, where did the tauren kin come from? Though they lived on some mountains, and those were flooded—so they were islets, it kinda works with a stretch, and all other zones were semi-flooded. Gods justifying an MMORPG expansion, to me everything in WoW after Lich King is already forcing an owl onto a globe!
Speaking of Liches, I increasingly think I was wrong to consider necromancy and Liches trying to survive in such a crippled way—cowards. Turns out sentient… ahem, LICHes!
Basically, yes—you're dead, but you're still kinda here! Alive and able to do something! Truth is for some reason they don't try to regain flesh and start enjoying life again. Mind distortion? Undeath alters personality?
Hmm, but ghosts love possessing someone and taking bodies. Paradox. Or does the shell depend on consciousness? Because a ghost is in a sense pure consciousness—not distorted by a new body.
Unknown where and when.
For some time now I'm not thinking and just enjoying—nothing, waiting for the end? But isn't the very thought of it—an attempt to preserve consciousness?
Damn, why not hell? At least some torture! Could at least hate someone! And chat with demons.
Suddenly far away a white dot appears, slowly approaching, turning into light.
No words, only emotions! I finally waited for something! Ahem, pull yourself together—main thing now is to stay silent, don't twitch, don't swear, and try to make a good impression! Repeating this ride my consciousness… or what's left of it—definitely won't survive!
Sharp pain, light all around—I flail my arms. Holy… I have arms! And I feel something else, phantom-like, barely perceptible to consciousness… and it finally bursts into my head! Understanding comes—someone sharply slaps my ass. Oh, looks like I was born. "Waaa?"
***
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