A faint buzz. A ringing in my ears. The cough of my next door neighbour. Apart from this, the world is silent - the background noises make the quietness feel louder...
There is a feeling of emptiness - sadness that has not been let loose - settling. It etches into my brain, searches deeply for the most sensitive parts of my mind, engraving the words 'D.I.E'.
There is a feeling of emptiness. One that tears can't get rid of. The warmth of the water trickling down my cheek - the saltiness touching the edge of my lips - only makes me feel colder. The layers of clothing, the turned on radiator; they all feel like an illusion.
Sitting on my chair, I contemplate...
I contemplate a death, but without the pain. Pain without the death. Noise without the quiet.
Hearing a car drive past, I imagine myself in front of it. It would beep at me; I would see the sheer panic on the driver's face. His eyes would be open wide in fear - not fear that he would end my life, but that I would ruin his life. Would I feel panic? Would I feel joy? Relaxation? Comfort? If I were close to death, at death? If I forced my death?
The buzzing continues to ring in my ear. There is a brief hesitation as I feel the cold metal's touch. Then, I try again, stabbing at my skin with the measly compass point, wishing I had the courage to stab my heart. But how could I, when I barely have the courage to muster this?