There is this interstice between dreaming and waking up where your brain clouds up and you can't discern between dream and reality. Sometimes you open your eyes and are disappointed when you realise the joy that you experienced within that dream wasn't real; other times, you are afraid to open your eyes, afraid to think that you will open your eyes and have to face the consequences of all that you did in the dream. Reality slips away from your mind, and you begin to believe the dream is the reality, losing all ability to notice the obvious discrepancies. I always dread thinking of this when I lay in bed.
In the last few days, I dream of being someone I am not. Each time it's an entirely different world, an entirely different me, but one thing they all have in common: the way they leave my heart aching when I wake up. The way it fills me with a dread that I never felt before. Fear that makes me wish my eyes to be stitched shut, wish I never had to open my eyes again. And yet I do. I do and see the cold and harsh fiction be swept away by the light of reality—a life that shines so brightly that it almost feels fake, a reality so ideal that it makes the nightmare feel more authentic.
I pull my torso up and get myself to a sitting position on top of my bed. I feel the cold and scant sunlight, realising it's not quite morning yet. Even in the cold, I feel beads of sweat falling down my neck, and with it comes the aching of the heart—a pain which I have no way to find the reason behind. As the dream gives way to reality, what used to feel so real moments ago ends up disappearing into oblivion. I no longer recall the dream; all that it leaves behind is the ache in my heart.
A weight over my heart so great that it makes me want to scream out in pain, a feeling so terrible that it makes me wish I didn't exist.
I looked down to see Eileen sleeping beside me. Her dainty figure looked so delicate that it made me afraid to touch her, but I felt I needed to. I needed the warmth of another person to let my heart know that everything was all right... Since when had I become so weak?
I couldn't bear with it anymore and embraced Eileen's petite figure. I held onto her as if I never wanted us to part. Eileen, of course, was jolted awake from my unrestrained force, but didn't pull away. She simply caressed my hair, and in her quiet voice, she said, "It's ok, I will always be there by your side."
"Huh?" I couldn't describe the emotion these words evoked. I have spent only a few days with Eileen, but I knew for certain that I needed her. Tears slid down my cheeks, unaware of what despair caused this and unaware of what happiness I am feeling. I simply clung onto Eileen's chest as if it's the safest place in the world.
My mind became a blur. The self that I am and the self that I no longer am began to bleed together, leading my body in a movement I could not comprehend.
I pushed Eileen and got on top of her. I saw her emerald eyes gazing at me with an affection I never knew before. I pressed my lips onto her pink flesh as our saliva mingled together.
I felt relief, I felt my fear being eroded away by the warmth in her lips, but there was something else... The taste of betraying Yura... again.