Bro. BRO. I wake up choking on asphalt and the smell of burnt takoyaki. My head's ringing like I just took a crowbar to the face (which, fair, I have done on purpose before).
Last thing I remember is some weeb in a truck of peace yelling "ISEKAI THIS, BITCH" while flooring it into me outside a 7-11.
Next thing I know, I'm face-down in the middle of some Japanese city that looks like Gotham and Times Square had a baby, and that baby is currently on fire.
There's screaming. Explosions. Giant billboards of a dude who looks like a patriotic banana with teeth. And floating in the sky like the world's most depressed pinata is… holy shit, that's All Might. Skinny All Might. The Symbol of Peace looking like he hasn't eaten since 2008 and is one cough away from turning into dust.
I sit up. My spine makes a wet pop. Healing factor go brrrrr. A chunk of rebar is currently wearing my liver like a kebab. I pull it out, wave it around like a conductor's baton.
"Evening, folks! Anyone order a merc with a mouth? No? Cool, I'll leave a five-star Yelp review anyway."
Some random civilian screams and runs. Rude.
I'm literally the friendliest mass murderer you'll ever meet.
Then I hear it. The wet crunch. The sound of a neck that was never meant to bend that way. All for One just went full Mortal Kombat on All Might, spine snapped, blood fountain, the whole combo. The camera drones are catching it in 4K.
Japan's about to have a collective stroke.
The big bad himself is monologuing, because of course he is. Darth Vader looking motherfucker with a breathing kink and more holes in his head than my moral compass.
"Today, the world sees that even the Symbol of Peace bleeds.... "
I raise my hand like I'm in class. "Question! Does the Symbol of Peace bleed maple syrup? Because that would explain the pancakes thing. Also, hi, huge fan of your work. Love the whole life support helmet aesthetic. Very cyberpunk."
All for One actually stops. The entire battlefield freezes. Even the fires pause like they're buffering.
He tilts his head. "Who are you?"
"Deadpool, Wade Wilson, Merc with a Mouth, Also Merc with Two Katanas, Several Guns, and a Dream. You just killed Captain America if he was obsessed with hair gel. That was metal as fuck, dude. 10/10. No notes."
All Might coughs blood. "Young… man… run…"
"Run? Sweetie, I don't run unless something's chasing me and it's on fire. Preferably both." I hop to my feet, dusting off my suit.
"Also, pretty sure your neck just did a 180. That's gonna be a rough chiropractor visit."
The Nomu things start growling. One of them has, like, six arms and a bird beak. Another looks like the lovechild of the Thing and a rejected Pokémon.
All for One waves a hand. "Eliminate the insect."
The bird-beak Nomu charges. I pull both katanas faster than you can say "childhood trauma."
"Hi, I'm Deadpool! You're about to be Dead-Nomu!"
We go at it. Blades vs claws. Blood vs more blood. I'm laughing the entire time because this is the most fun I've had since that time I replaced Wolverine's bones with vibranium dildos (long story).
I slice, dice, julienne fry this ugly bastard. One of his arms hits a building. Another hits a car. His head hits the ground and keeps screaming because Nomu apparently don't need brains.
Regeneration vs regeneration. It's like fighting myself, but uglier and less charming.
I turn to the nearest news drone. "Hey Japan! You're welcome! Subscribe to my OnlyFans for the uncensored version. Link in bio."
All Might is crawling away, leaving a trail like a crime scene slug. I jog over, crouch down.
"Yo, Toshinori Yagi, right? Big fan. Loved you in Smash Bros.
He stares at me like I'm the final boss of sanity.
"You… you're a hero?"
"Pfft. Nah. I'm more of a chaotic neutral with a body count kinda guy. But I did just save your life, so technically you owe me. Japanese culture is big on debts, right? Cool, I'll take your quirk."
His eyes go wide. "You can't...."
I boop his nose. "Already did. Kidding! I have no idea how this shit works. But watch this."
I grab the rebar from earlier and stab myself through the throat for dramatic effect. Pull it out. Hole closes instantly.
"See? Mutant-type quirk, baby! They're gonna put me in Class 1-A and everything. I call dibs on the top bunk."
Behind me, All for One is getting pissed. You can tell because the air rivets start warping or whatever. Dude's about to go Super Saiyan.
I spin around, swords up. "Okay, Darth Discount, you want next? Because I gotta warn you, I once killed the entire Marvel Universe. Twice. And that was before lunch."
He actually laughs. It's the laugh of a man who's never had to deal with me sober.
"You are an anomaly. I will enjoy dissecting you."
"Buddy, people have been trying to dissect me since the Weapon X days."
Then the best thing happens.
Some kid with green hair and a face that screams "I cry during Pixar movies" comes screaming in at Mach Jesus, yelling "SMASH!" like it's his safe word.
Deku. It's baby Deku. Season 3 Deku. The one who still thinks heroes don't kill people.
He looks at skinny All Might. Looks at me covered in Nomu guts. Looks at All for One.
His brain blue-screens.
I wave. "Sup, successor kun! Love the energy! Quick question! does One for All come with dental?"
Deku's mouth opens. Closes. Opens again.
"You… you just murdered that Nomu in front of national television…"
"Technically I murdered it in front of several Nomu and one very disappointed father figure. Also, hi, you're adorable. Wanna be friends? I'll let you punch me in the face. It's basically foreplay."
All for One raises a hand the size of a Buick. Air pressure cannon thingy charging up.
I sigh. "Okay, fine. Rude. I was trying to have a moment."
I grab Deku by the back of his costume like a kitten and yeet him toward All Might.
"Catch, grandpa!"
Then I turn, pull both Desert Eagles, and start unloading into All for One while walking forward like this is a Michael Bay wet dream.
Bullets ping off his mask. He's not even flinching. Whatever.
"Worth a shot! Get it? Shot? I'll be here all week. Try the veal!"
The air cannon fires. I get hit so hard my skeleton briefly leaves my body, waves goodbye, and goes on vacation to Fiji.
Everything goes black for like 0.2 seconds. Then I'm already regenerating mid-air, doing a sick flip, and landing in a three-point hero pose right in front of the news cameras.
"Ta-da! Rating pending."
The chat on every screen in Japan is just:
???????? WHO IS THIS GUY
IS HE ALLOWED TO SAY THAT
MOM COME PICK ME UP I'M SCARED
All for One is staring at me like I'm a glitch in his perfectly evil matrix.
I blow him a kiss. "Hey, big guy. You, me, dinner? I know a great place that serves chimichangas and existential dread."
He teleports away with the remaining Nomu because even ultimate evil has a bedtime.
The second he's gone, every hero left alive turns to me.
Endeavor's on fire and yelling something.
Hawks looks like he's having the best/worst day of his life.
Best Jeanist is already crying over the state of my costume.
And little Deku is having a full panic attack because All Might is dying and I just turned the final battle into a circus.
I walk over to All Might, who's somehow still breathing.
"Hey, Symbol of Peace? Quick question before you kick it. On a scale of one to 'Wolverine after a bar fight,' how bad does this hurt?"
He coughs blood. "You… you're insane…"
"Certified! Also, plot twist—" I lean in and whisper, "I'm not killing you today. That'd be too easy.
I want you to live long enough to see me burn your entire society to the ground and dance in the ashes. It's gonna be our thing."
I pat his cheek, stand up, and face the cameras again.
"Japan! You just witnessed the death of All Might and the birth of a new era! You're welcome! Follow me on whatever the hell this universe uses for Twitter.
#DeadpoolDidNothingWrong.
#AllMightWho.
#ChimichangaSupremacy."
I salute, blow a kiss to Deku (who's crying now, adorable), and moonwalk directly into the smoking crater where All for One was standing.
Then I shout at the sky, because I know you fuckers are reading this:
"Author-san! If you're listening, I'm keeping the katanas AND the fourth wall privileges. Try and stop me, I dare you."
And that, kids, is how I speedran becoming Public Enemy Number One in under ten minutes.
See you in the bloodbath,
Wade Motherfuckin' Wilson.