When Americans think "talk show," Oprah used to be the automatic answer.
That was a million years ago.
These days? Ellen, Jimmy Fallon, Jon Stewart (RIP to The Daily Show era), Colbert, Kimmel, SNL's Weekend Update; those are the ones that actually move the culture. Oprah's chicken-soup-for-the-soul vibe feels like a warm glass of milk in a world that runs on Red Bull and hot takes.
But Joey also couldn't stomach the super-edgy, roast-heavy late-night stuff either. So when The Ellen DeGeneres Show came calling? She said yes in about 0.2 seconds.
Ellen is the queen of daytime: a little wholesome, a little naughty, hilarious without ever being mean. Perfect for the stay-at-home moms and the retirees… and somehow also the entire internet. It's been the highest-rated daytime talk show in America for years, no contest.
And yeah, Joey; the woman who turned down Oprah; couldn't say no to Ellen. She's been low-key obsessed with Ellen's wit, swagger, and heart forever.
Word got out fast: Hollywood's mysterious genius girl was finally doing a talk show, and it was Ellen. The internet lost its mind. This episode was guaranteed to break the show's own records.
Her manager Catherine drilled her beforehand: "Remember, talk shows are branding. Some people go on to cry about their childhood, some play the sunshine-and-rainbows card. You're selling smart, funny, approachable goddess. Stay in that lane."
Joey just laughed. "I'll try, but the funny part isn't exactly a switch I can flip!"
The day of taping, Joey was legit nervous-excited. Meeting her idol? In front of a live audience? No big deal.
The second she walked out, the crowd went nuts.
After the hugs and hellos, Ellen kicked it off like they were just two friends on a couch.
"So," Ellen grinned, "anything lately that's made your heart stop?"
Joey let out the longest dramatic sigh. "Okay, picture this: I'm on a cruise, sitting on the restaurant balcony, living my best life… and then the deck below me bursts into flames."
Ellen's eyes went wide. "It WHAT?"
"I'm talking actual fire," Joey continued. "I freeze. Everyone else at dinner is just sipping their wine like it's no big deal. So I run to a crew member and I'm like, 'Uh, EXCUSE ME, the boat is on fire?!'"
The audience is already cracking up.
Joey drops her voice into the most chill, customer-service tone imaginable: "And the guy goes, 'Yes, ma'am, we've confirmed the lifeboat deck is indeed on fire~' I'm like, 'OKAY AND??' He smiles and says, 'Please don't worry, we're going to keep sailing~'"
The place explodes.
"Then the Russian tourists at the next table finally look up, super calm, and ask, 'How many lifeboats total?' Crew guy: 'Two~' Russians: '…This is not ideal.'"
The audience is wheezing.
"Long story short," Joey finished, "they put the fire out, we made it to port, and roughly forty ambulances were waiting for me personally."
Ellen wiped a tear. "Nothing makes you feel more alive than almost dying on vacation."
Cue the lightning-round game, because Ellen never lets anyone leave unscathed.
"Five seconds, no thinking, go. Three things in your nightstand right now."
"Cash, credit cards, notepad!" Joey blurted.
Ellen wiggled her eyebrows. "No condoms?"
Joey threw her head back laughing. "I'm single!"
"Still doesn't answer the question," Ellen sing-songed.
Joey fake-glared at her. "Oh my God, Ellen, fuck you; yes, fine, there's some!"
Crowd loses it. Ellen points at them triumphantly like she just won the lottery.
Next: "Sexiest part on a man?"
Joey, counting down out loud: "Four, three, two; CHEST!"
Ellen, evil grin: "The pecs… or the nipples?"
Joey, bright red but refusing to back down: "BOTH. Both is good."
Scream
"Ever sent a nude?"
Joey slams the "NEVER" card on the table so fast it almost breaks.
Crowd cheers her wholesome queen energy.
Last one. Ellen leans in: "Ever joined the Mile High Club? Be honest."
Joey freezes for half a second, then sheepishly flips the card that says "I PLEAD THE FIFTH" while giving the cutest guilty smile known to man.
The audience goes full feral: "WHOOOOO! WITH WHO?!"
Ellen obviously doesn't ask, but the screams say everyone's already writing fanfiction in their heads.
(Backstage, Catherine whispered, "You little menace, that was perfect.")
The episode dropped and the internet combusted. Ratings were insane; even Ellen tweeted that Joey broke her show's record. Overnight, Joey went from "untouchable prodigy" to "the cool, funny, slightly chaotic friend we all want."
Memes of her screaming "BOTH!" and shyly pleading the fifth went viral for weeks.
Out in Beverly Hills, Tom; who never watches daytime TV; apparently had a free afternoon and "happened" to turn it on.
He laughed out loud at the cruise story like everybody else.
When Ellen teased her about the nightstand and Joey announced she was single, Tom caught himself smiling at the screen like an idiot and had no idea why.
When she yelled "Both!" about pecs and nipples, he thought, Yep, that shameless honesty is ridiculously adorable.
Then came the Mile High Club moment.
His brain short-circuited.
He'd forgotten she'd had a serious long-term boyfriend. Seven years. Private jet. Do the math.
A sharp, ugly twist of jealousy hit him square in the chest.
He sat there staring at the TV long after the segment ended, trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with him.
He'd never been the jealous type.
But the idea of Joey; his Joey; with any other guy, even in the past… suddenly made him want to punch something.
He rubbed a hand over his face.
Either he'd been single way too long…
…or that woman had gotten way, way under his skin.