Lucifer had survived many things in his 18 years of life:
A goose attack.
Falling down a campus staircase in front of 37 people.
Ruth teaching him to drive ("HIT THE GAS—NO NOT THAT HARD!").
But he was not prepared for this.
Not the Ultimate System.
Not Abigail's jealous aura.
Not Isabel's wicked grin.
Not Elena's secret crush energy.
Not Ruth's… well, Ruth-ness.
And definitely not all of them crammed into his kitchen at the same time.
7:58 AM — The Gathering of Chaos
The kitchen looked like it had been hit by a tornado.
A beautiful, well-dressed, perfume-soaked tornado.
Ruth was flipping pancakes while wearing an apron that said "HOTTER THAN YOUR EX."
She was not using a spatula. She was using her hand.
Isabel sat cross-legged on the counter, eating strawberries like she was in a perfume ad, watching Lucifer like a shark watches a tasty swimmer.
Elena stood by the fridge, pretending to drink water, stealing glances at Lucifer every 3 seconds and then glaring at the cup like it betrayed her.
And Abigail?
Abigail was at the stove.
Cooking eggs.
In a silk blouse worth more than Lucifer's tuition.
Without an apron.
Without fear.
She radiated the calm of a woman who would burn the world if Lucifer said he liked someone else's cooking.
Lucifer walked in and five heads snapped toward him simultaneously.
He froze.
[WARNING!]
ALL TARGETS ARE FOCUSED ON YOU.
PROCEED WITH CAUTION OR DON'T — IT'S FUNNY EITHER WAY.
The System was getting sassier.
The Moment Everything Went Wrong
Abigail turned, eyes softening.
"Good morning, Lucifer. Did you sleep well?"
Isabel smirked.
"Oh? Want details, Mom? Because I bet he—"
Lucifer: Nope nope nope—
Elena nearly choked on her water.
"I-I wasn't listening! I mean I wasn't thinking about him— I MEAN— I'm just thirsty! Not for him! For WATER! WATER ONLY!"
Ruth tossed a pancake over her shoulder.
It stuck to the wall with a gentle splap.
She didn't even turn around.
"So, sweetheart," Ruth sang, "how's that new… energy of yours?"
Lucifer froze.
Abigail froze harder.
Isabel raised an eyebrow.
Elena dropped her cup.
The System chimed with explosive cheerfulness:
[DETECTION:
RUTH IS ABOUT TO REVEAL YOUR SYSTEM.]
[COUNTERMEASURE SUGGESTED:
PANIC.]
Lucifer panicked.
"I DON'T HAVE ENERGY!"
Ruth laughed.
"Oh honey, you're glowing like you swallowed a lightbulb."
Abigail took a slow step toward him.
"Glowing?" she repeated.
Her tone: soft.
Her aura: dangerously jealous.
Isabel slid off the counter, stalking closer.
"Interesting…"
Elena stepped protectively in front of Lucifer like a tiny tsundere guard dog.
"H-HE'S JUST… NATURALLY BRIGHT, OKAY?!"
Lucifer could feel the collapse coming.
This was a disaster. A catastrophe.
A breakfast apocalypse.
A breakfast-pocalypse.
The Explosion (Not Literal, but Close)
Ruth clapped her hands.
"Well! While you four sort out your chaotic emotions, I made breakfast!"
She set the plate down.
Everyone stared.
Burnt pancakes.
Purple eggs.
A sausage shaped suspiciously like—
Lucifer refused to finish the thought.
Abigail's face twitched.
"I'll cook," she said.
"My cooking is great!" Ruth protested.
"Your cooking is a hate crime," Isabel muttered.
Elena nodded rapidly. "I—I still have nightmares—"
Ruth dramatically held a spatula like a sword.
"FINE. don't appreciate greatness. I'll eat it myself!"
Lucifer caught the System flashing:
[ABIGAIL'S EMOTIONAL STABILITY: 49% — DANGER]
[CAUSE: Ruth serving Lucifer food first.]
He froze.
Abigail stared at the plate.
Then at Ruth.
Then at Lucifer.
"Who," she said softly, "did you make these for, Ruth?"
Lucifer whispered, "I don't want to die before class…"
Ruth pointed proudly.
"For Lucifer, obviously!"
BOOM.
Not a real explosion — just the emotional one.
Abigail's jealousy aura intensified.
Isabel's competitive grin sharpened.
Elena's eyes widened in panic.
Ruth blinked innocently.
Lucifer's soul left his body.
Disaster Level: Maximum
Abigail stepped forward, voice sugar-sweet and dangerous.
"Lucifer," she said, "who would you like to cook for you?"
Isabel leaned in.
Elena leaned closer.
Ruth leaned so close her boa tickled his ear.
Lucifer's heart rate skyrocketed.
[ULTIMA CHOICE ACTIVATED]
Choose Carefully:
Abigail
Isabel
Elena
Ruth
Jump out the window
Fake a heart attack
Lucifer swallowed.
He chose option 7: scream internally.
⭐ End of Chapter 2
If you'd like, next chapters could be:
Option (B) — First day of college + accidental seduction chaos
Option (C) — Abigail invites him to her office
Option (D) — Aunt Ruth decides she's going to be his "MILF-handling coach"
Option (E) — The System glitches and reveals someone has a CRITICAL CRUSH on him