I still remember that day.
The day my heart felt like it was showered with beautiful blooming flowers.
A day when the sun always shone warmly and the sky was always clear before my eyes.
A day when a smile never faded from my lips.
A day when I felt like the happiest person in the world.
With the man I love, my husband.
But was it all just an illusion?
Was it all a lie? Was it all a fake?
I don't know.
In the beginning, everything was fine. Although our initial meeting seemed like a coincidence, the threads of fate eventually tied us together.
Although our lives weren't always smooth sailing, I was happy to be by his side with him.
But, like waking from a beautiful dream, the sky was no longer bright before my eyes.
The sun no longer felt warm to me.
The smile no longer appeared on my lips.
The flower that bloomed so beautifully in my heart had now dried and wilted.
After three years of our marriage, which felt like sailing on a calm sea, a huge wave suddenly crashed and destroyed us.
Why did all this have to happen?
After giving him my heart and life, how could he do this to me?
After all my energy and time for him... why?
Our marriage was happy, but it felt like something wasn't quite right.
Having a child is a huge responsibility. It's not just about raising and feeding him.
The responsibility for his education, his life, his attention, and his happiness is something parents must shoulder.
Parents must be able to control their emotions wisely. Not just by giving and giving orders. But many things.
Financially, we were ready and could be said to be quite capable of caring for a child.
However, controlling our emotions, attention, and affection... were we able to do it?
In our two years of marriage without a child, I kept thinking and learning everything about children. I didn't want my child to be treated badly and suffer.
After a long wait, our family would finally be complete.
We both felt so happy. Smiles and tears of joy kept flowing from our eyes. Our love felt even deeper.
However, that happiness could be destroyed in the blink of an eye.
Had I been living in a dream all this time?
If so, couldn't I not wake up from this dream?
The cruel reality hit me.
It was painful and disgusting.
That day was my routine checkup at the hospital. My pregnancy, which was already six months old, was declared healthy by the doctor. I went home with a smile. I stroked my stomach where my child was.
But suddenly my smile disappeared.
My eyes trembled. My lips clenched in anger.
At that moment, I saw it.
What was this?
The man I had made a lifelong promise to, betrayed me. Without me needing to question what he did, just looking at him explained everything.
Unable to contain the hatred and disappointment in my heart, I left, leaving him with another woman I didn't know.
When I arrived home, unlike what I had felt before, now there was only emptiness in my heart.
I was angry, I was sad, I was disappointed, but for some reason I could only sit and stare blankly with eyes that seemed dead.
I don't know how much time had passed, but I heard the sound of the door opening.
Seeing the figure of the man in front of me, the tiredness and emptiness suddenly turned into explosive anger.
After that intense commotion, I decided to go to my parents' house.
But when I got there, I found nothing comfort and reassurance. Instead, I received insults.
Everything they said seemed to show how stupid I was.
"I told you all along, he's not a good man..."
"That's why you should listen to your parents..."
"If this is the case, who's going to be bothered? You're pregnant too..."
"..." "..." "..."
Yes. I know. Yes. I was stupid. Yes. It was my fault. But... did they have to tell me now?
I didn't expect this to happen either. I didn't know it would happen.
No one supported me. No one held my hand. No one listened to me.
My parents, and my sister. No one.
I told the man, once this child is born, we'll separate. And from now on, never see me again.
I'll go and live alone.
Time passed, and the child was born.
Contrary to my expectations, a strange feeling filled my heart. The child was innocent, and I shouldn't hate him.
But, for some reason, I didn't know.
I hadn't told anyone about my life at the time.
Living alone with him was quite difficult at first.
It's natural for babies to cry and whine. But sometimes when I heard him, my emotions would flare up.
I tried my best to control my anger. I couldn't hurt that little body.
I was putting my life under pressure.
Was this wrong too? I didn't know.
Time passed and I started working again. I left him with a nanny. Being away from him made me think.
Was what I had done right? Did I have to endure all of this?
As time went by, the child continued to grow.
And I ended up holding back, no, neglecting the love I should have given him.
I became cold to him.
In my mind, the most important thing was money.
I had to pay off the debts I had while raising him. There was no need for me to spend time with him.
As long as there was money, he could eat, go to school, and live. I didn't care about anything else.
Even though I thought that, I watched him grow.
He started crawling.
He started standing.
He started walking.
He started talking.
He laughed.
In his clear eyes, I reflected myself, just standing there.
Would he hate me when he grew older?
Well, that would probably be better.
But none of that happened.
He grew into a warm and intelligent child.
He knew I hadn't treated him well. But his eyes still looked at me with affection and a warm smile.
He always smiled and never complained.
That made me waver a little.
All this time, I'd been afraid. Afraid to give him my love.
Why was I so afraid that I ended up being cold to him? I don't know.
As I watched him sleep soundly, my hands trembled. I wanted to stroke his head.
Can I do it?
And only then did I dare to give him a little bit of my love.
But it was too late.
When I saw him lying unconscious alone in the house. My body was shaking.
Seeing him lying with an oxygen tube and IV attached. My eyes were shaking.
Seeing him still smiling and looking at me with warmth. My heart felt like it was cut by a sharp knife.
Why is there no hatred for me in your eyes?
How can you have such warm love when you grew up in the cold?
If only I could turn back time.
If only I could spend more time with him.
If only I could always hug him.
He has now fallen asleep forever.
He will never open his eyes again.
He will never smile at me again.
His warm hands will never touch me again.
Your warm love for me will no longer exist.
If only in his last moments I could say it.
Holding the paper flower that he made, i cry.
You who always gave me the sun who gave you winter.
Thank you for your love.
Forgive me.
I love you, my little son.
-End-