It had been a very long and painful two days since Kareen last felt Damon's lips on her neck or Andrew's hands holding her legs as if they couldn't let go.
And she had told herself she didn't want more of it, that she had made a final decision, destroyed any chance of it happening again, and moved on.
But her body felt differently,
It quietly hurt deep inside, under soft, silky sheets, behind professional jackets, and under the gentle light of the studio, wanting something it couldn't have.
Kareen threw her shoes onto the floor of her bedroom with more strength than needed and fell onto the edge of her bed, feeling more and more tense.
She had spent the whole day trying to avoid people looking at her.
Not just from Damon and Andrew, who, surprisingly, had been very professional since she got angry, but from all the other workers, and even worse, the models.
The whispers were getting louder.
She'd heard Chloe laughing loudly in the hallway,
She noticed Mathilda looking closely every time Kareen was called first for clothes fittings,
She felt like she was being judged whenever she spoke quietly or smiled too much,
There was a story going around now,
That she was being treated better than other,
That one of them, or maybe both, liked her more,
That she wasn't successful because she was talented, but because she was attractive.
It was silly.
And yet, her not saying anything wasn't helping her.
Also, it didn't help that she hadn't been touched in two days and already missed the feeling it left behind.
Kareen stood up again, walking across the room with no shoes on, her fingers shaking slightly as she opened her drawer.
She hated that things had gotten to this point.
That no amount of calming breaths or cold showers could get rid of the attraction they had created in her.
Her hand found the device she hadn't used in many months, not since before Tokyo.
She stopped for a moment.
But the longing was too strong,
She took off her robe, got onto the bed, and let the quiet fill the room.
Her breathing was unsteady as she started , softly, slowly, testing.
Her hips moved against the sheets, her head falling back,
She imagined his voice, soft and teasing,
His hand closing over hers,
Andrew's lips on her neck, Damon's low voice in her ear.
She moved faster now, trying to remember the feeling.
Trying to remember how they had left her feeling ruined and out of breath,
And then,
A sound came from her lips, too loud for the quiet.
One name came out,
She didn't even know which one it was,
And somehow, that made things even worse.
She fell back into the pillows, breathing hard, her face red and empty.
Even in her private room, even after letting herself go in the only way she could, she didn't feel any better.
She felt empty inside.
Because it wasn't enough.
And she hated that nothing else was good enough either.
Kareen walked into the studio the next morning with dark circles under her eyes and a strong, emotionless look on her face.
She used silence as protection.
Every step and every breath was planned, controlled, and untouchable.
But still, it wasn't sufficient.
The quiet talks began even before she got to the makeup area.
"I heard she didn't even try out, is that right?"
"I'm told she was in his room again, with him too."
"I guess some people just sleep their way up."
It was Chloe's turn today.
And Mathilda's too.
Like two predators drawn to the smell of doubt, wanting to rip apart the weak.
Kareen didn't move.
She walked by them with her head up, her heels clicking loudly on the shiny floor, her mouth in a firm line that hid how hurt she really was.
Andrew barely glanced up as she walked by his office's glass wall.
And Damon wasn't there for the meeting in the morning.
They were both staying away, playing it cool, doing just what she told them.
But somehow, it felt even harder.
She wanted power, now she had it,
So why did it seem like she was the one being shunned?
She was fixing her outfit when the young assistant came up to her softly.
"This is for you," the girl said, holding out a dark box with a ribbon around it.
Kareen was surprised,
"Who is it from?"
"She didn't say," the assistant answered, "Just told me to give it to you when no one else was around."
Kareen took the box and went behind the screen, her heart already beating fast,
Inside was a nightgown made of red silk
Smooth,
Pricey,
Heartbreaking.
It was the type of material that felt better taken off than left on
But it wasn't the material that made Kareen unable to breathe
It was the message placed right next to it
Written by hand with dark-colored ink
"Pick the person you want to wear it for."
Her fingers gripped the paper more firmly
There was no name on it
No marks
No smell
Only those words
She looked at the nightgown again, then at her own image in the mirror behind the clothes
She had tried to stop thinking about everything
Tried to get her strength back
Tried not to touch anyone and to protect her feelings even more
But nothing was helping
Because they were still all around her
And now, somehow… they weren't even near her, and she still felt damaged
She carefully folded the gown, put it back in the box, and shut it
But she kept thinking about the words all day
Pick the person you want to wear it for
Not if it happens
Not when it happens
Just who it will be
Like the choice was already made without her
Like they knew she would eventually give up
Like her body had already given her away the second she quietly said a name when alone
That night, she put the box on her bed and looked at it until the city lights faded
And when she finally moved away, she left the message behind
She didn't need it
Because she already knew the answer
She just wasn't ready to say the name out loud
Not yet