*crash*
I slowly opened my eyes, confused about the sound that I had just heard. My vision was still kind of blurry since I just woke up, so I quickly rubbed my eyes with my hands. I slowly adjusted to my dimly lit room, with the only source of light peeking in from the cracks in my blinds.
"Again with the thunder? How many years has it been raining in this godforsaken city?"
It has been raining everyday where I live since I graduated highschool. And even while I was in highschool it would rain once a week, and over time once every other day.
By this point my eyes have fully adjusted to the darkness in my room. The room was what you would expect during this type of weather. My bed, the walls, even the light peering from the blinds, it all just looks grey.
"With how dark it is in my room I'd assume it's sometime in the afternoon. Did I really waste another day just sleeping? If ion get my shit together I might just become a shut in neet."
With that thought in mind I looked around my room for my phone to see what time it was. To my luck however I couldn't seem to find it. I started flipping over my blankets and pillows but to no avail. Actually, there was no need for me to do this because I already had an idea of where my phone was. I reluctantly shove my hand into the crevice of the bed until it reached the floor. To not my surprise my phone was found right there. I power on my phone to check what time it is. The time showed 5:00pm in the afternoon.
"Well, looks like I just wasted half my day doing jack."
I decided better late than never and got up to get my day - well my noon - started. As I stood up a sharp pain in my head sent me straight to the floor.
"What the fuck??? This early?"
I quickly reach to the table beside my bed and knock a lot of things over. I quickly found what I was looking for - pills that'd cure my pain- and opened the bottle and chugged what was left of it.
"Looks like ill have to get more of these things."
As I made my way to the washroom my vision started to distort all of a sudden and caused me to have a harder time getting to the washroom. It was like I could feel my existence swimming in my mind. It wasn't a pleasant feeling at all. But I still made it to the washroom without anything too inconvenient. I turned on the facet, drenched my hands with the water and rinsed my face. I looked up to the mirror to see a reflection of… well obviously myself.
"Wow… everyday I just look more and more miserable"
My reflection has seen better days. I had long uneven pitch black hair. About up to my shoulders. My bangs were long enough where they would meet my lightless black eyes but not obscure my vision. Enough where it would start poking it and annoy me though. The highlight of this look however were the obnoxiously apparent dark circles under my eyes. What I didn't expect to see was how bloodshot my eyes were.
"You're telling me I'm sleeping till 5pm and I still look tired as shit? Sounds to me like getting 8 hours daily is a hoax or something."
As I finished my nooning routine I went back to my room and changed into a black zipup -half zipped up of course- with a white t-shirt underneath and long baggy jeans. I knew I didn't have any food in my fridge so I had to get ready to go to the nearest grocery store to get some breakfast? Or maybe it'd be lunch by now? Well, whatever to get some food.
I stepped outside my apartment and was met with a torrent of rain. I didn't have an umbrella so I just put my hood up and called it a day. You'd think after years of daily rain I'd go out and get one but I never really got that wet for some reason so I never really needed one. I also kept the half zip look even if it meant potentially getting more wet than I needed to. You know what they say, pain is beauty. Or is it beauty is pain? Well one or the other the saying still stands.
I got to the nearest convenience store and went straight to the instant noodle section. Nothing says eating well like eating cup ramen noodles everyday. Talk about living a pristine life if you ask me.
After finishing that I headed to the medicine section and took the first pills I laid my eyes on. All of them work to help me alleviate my headaches so I usually just take the first one I find and call it a day without looking too hard.
I went to the self checkout quickly, paid for all my things and exited the store with a bag in one hand. As the doors to the outside opened I was once again assaulted by the harsh rain. But what came with it this time was a new, seething headache. Which caused me to clutch my head with my remaining free hand.
"2 back to back ganks??? Today is not my day."
I rummaged through my bag for the pills that I just got, found them, opened the lid, and poured some into my mouth. My headache seemed to alleviate a bit, if not completely vanish. But what replaced it was a sense of lightheadedness.
"Well, that's new."
It's prolly because I've consumed so many of them without eating. My mom always told me I should eat before drinking pills. I don't know the validity behind that but it was a satisfying enough reason for me to believe it.
As I was on my way back to my apartment I passed by a local park. While it definitely isn't the greatest idea I had this sudden urge to go take a quick swing on the swings. As I approached there I saw something, no, definitely more like a someone sitting there.
What I saw was a girl sitting on the swings with long straight black hair up to her waist with a mini bun in the back of her head. She was soaked from head to toe, which made her red eyes shine even brighter in contrast to her soaked body.
"Wait… my romcom waves are tingling. if this isn't the most cliche setting to a romcom. Today might be my lucky day afterall!"
She noticed me standing there and we made eye contact. You'd usually expect her to scream or show some type of fear or concern. Afterall, sitting in the swings alone and looking up to see some dude ogling you probably isn't the best feeling in the world. But she just continued to stare at me, her face unchanging.
"Well if this isn't the depressed girl archetype I don't know what is."
But what really bothered me were her eyes. They say eyes are the windows to your soul, or some romantic philosophical shit like that. But those eyes clearly displayed no light, no hope, with a hint of despair. I don't believe in saving people. You can only save yourself. But leaving someone out to rot is another thing. So I should probably do something about this. This is definitely some justification to start my life with a rosy romantic comedy atmosphere.
Judging from where she is while it is raining and the expressionless look on her face, obviously she is not okay. So I'm not gonna start the conversation by saying something so insensitive by asking "are you okay" or "what are you doing here at a time like this." I hate when people do that the most. Don't you have eyes or a brain? Why else would I be alone in the rain? Because I want to???? Well in any case ill just deal with this with how i feel is right.
"Blink twice if you need help"
"…what??"
She wore a… puzzled look on her face??? Honestly I'd never be able to tell if it was a puzzled look with that expressionless ass face if she didn't tilt her head to the side while replying. But what kind of shocked me was her voice. For someone so, for a lack of a better word, a depressed looking voice sounded soft and angelic in a way? A complete contrast to her look.
"You know how when you get kidnapped in a car and you gotta blink twice to let the car behind you know that you need help? Basically that."
She blinked once. Then twice. Then three times.
"Uhhh, i dont know what a third blink means, i dont remember there being an option c when i only added a and b."
"…"
"…"
"Strange"
"Scuse me?"
"Thats not the way I would've approached someone. And not the way I would've responded to someone obviously confused either."
"Well I believe the best way to get close to someone is with a joke."
"Well, it was a terrible joke."
"God forbid a man tries, sorrey."
Although her face and voice didn't change, it seemed as though a faint glimmer appeared in her eyes for a second. Well, at least that's a start.
"Well, wuts ur name? My name is hakaze hanamura."
She let out a sigh in response. I don't know whether it was because she was reluctant and didn't want to say her name or if it was for some other reason. While it wouldn't blame her and would honestly understand if it was the former for some reason I felt like it was another reason.
"Ai Honami, that's my name."
"For a second there I thought you weren't gonna respond."
"Dont take it personally, but I just thought it was all a pain."
"A pain? What do you mean?"
She looked me in the eyes. Those same, expressionless red eyes. Those eyes look eerily a lot like… mine.
"How long do you intend to lie."
This time, her eyes showed a slightly darker shade of red.
I felt a chill run down my spine. Lie? What is she talking about? But the way she was looking at me… it was like she understood every fiber of my being with that one darkened gaze.
"Sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking about."
For the first time, a hint of visible emotion appeared on her face. I looked a lot like disappointment? But that looked washed away just as quickly along with the rain drops splashing in the floor.
*huh, the rain seems a little heavier all of a sudden.*
"Well whatever. So, out with it, what do you want from me?"
"I'm not gonna lie, I didn't have a plan going into this. I just believe that leaving someone out to rot in the rain is distasteful so I wanted to do something about it."
"I didn't know you were the hero type. Does saving a girl alone in the rain fill your saviour complex?"
"Saviour complex?"
I couldn't help but let out a little laugh. It was a pretty funny joke. At least I convinced myself that she's joking.
"I don't believe in saving people. The only one who can save you is you. But that doesn't mean I'd stand idly by and watch someone fall either."
"Thats just the type of answer I'd expect from you."
What is that supposed to mean? Does she know me somehow? But I've never seen her or someone like her in my life. I'm confident of that. But the way she speaks to me, it's almost like she knows me. How thrilling.
"Well then, are you going to invite me to your place? Surely you wouldn't leave a vulnerable cute girl out in the rain like this."
"Thats an awfully forward way of doing it. But ya, i was going to offer you at least a place to rest up since clearly you don't want to go home. Otherwise you wouldn't be here."
"Consider yourself lucky that I insisted. Had you invited me first that would qualify as hitting on an isolated girl at a park. That'd make you look bad, worse than you already do with the dark circles under your bloodshot eyes anyways."
"Wow. That was uncalled for. I might just cry if you keep up this verbal assault."
"You're a boy, you can handle this much."
The hell is that supposed to mean "i'm a boy." That doesn't justify anything!
"Hahh, well whatever lets go. I hope you're satisfied with eating instant ramen that's all I got."
"What better way to rest up than with good warm fulfilling delicious plastic noodles."
She said without a hint of emotion.
"Beggers can't be choosers. If you just lie to yourself and convince yourself it's good it'll be good."
"That's a twisted way of thinking."
"Well, you know what the say, the greatest type of lies- "
"Are the ones people make themselves? Isn't that right?"
I didn't know we had a pro self deceiver over here. If I didn't know any better I'd think she's my soul mate. I might just fall in love at this rate.
"Just the type of thing I'd expect from you, Hakaze."
She looked at me with eyes that seemed to glimpse into the deepest trenches of my being.
*again with that look*
"Wowwww you know me so well. Is this what they call love at first sight?"
"That's sexual harassment. It's disgusting so stop."
She said with a straight face.
"Whatever. Anyways let's go. I'm hungry and I'm sure you are too."
We made our way out of the park and proceeded to my apartment. There were a lot of people out at this time of the day. It was about 6pm by now. So people should be leaving work or hanging out after school. The strange thing is despite how rainy it was, no one had an umbrella. And even stranger no one was wet. Well, almost no one, except for the girl beside me. I took a glance over and saw the girl walking beside me, soaked from head to toe. But despite all that, she continued like nothing was bothering her. I would offer her my sweater to keep her from getting more inconvenience than she has to, but she genuinely looks like she'd be more bothered if I tried helping her, so I didn't.
Eventually we reached the apartment complex and made our way to my room.
"Pardon the intrusion."
Ai said with no hint of remorse whatsoever.
She slowly examined the empty room with a hint of, well, nothingness in her eyes.
"This is a boring ass room you got here."
"Well, I live alone so I don't really need many things."
"Id expect a guy like your age to have some forms of entertainment in here or something. But the only thing I can see is the Wii. You're about 20 years too late for an upgrade."
"Hey, don't go dissing on Wii sports resort. 20 years later and this shit is still a banger ion wanna hear it."
After that pointless back and forth I made my way to the kitchen to start preparing the food. Well I say preparing but all I really need to do is boil water to make the instant noodles.
"What flavor do you want to eat?"
"What flavors are there?"
"Chicken and beef. Both are spicy so if you can't eat it you're gonna have to bear with it."
"What better way to take care of a girl than offering instant noodles."
"Then, do tell, what should I have started with?"
"Probably offering me a bath and a change of clothes?"
After she said that, I took a close look at her again, and she was right. She was just standing in the rain after all, so obviously she'd need a shower and a change of clothes. I guess it just slipped my mind because I wasn't wet in the slightest.
"Yeah, my bad. I'll go prepare the bath and a towel for you."
I headed to the washroom and set the water temperature at a moderately hot heat and set some spare towels for her on the counter.
*wait… what am i supposed to do about the change of clothes? Is this finally the time for the boyfriend thing where I offer her my T shirt and start blushing seeing a girl in my clothes? The dream. How thrilling.*
"You're going to have to make do with my shirt, is that okay with you?"
"Is this supposed to be some sort of twisted way to project your pervasive fantasies on me?"
Damn, caught red handed. I raised both my hands as a sign of resignation.
"You got me."
"Well, I'll bite. Give me the shirt that'll make your heart beat the quickest."
"Aye aye."
I just prepared a simple blank white t-shirt. It was the first one I could find. I wasn't going to go scavenging for anything more that'd be a hassle.
"Well, help yourself. The bath's all yours."
She proceeded her way into the washroom and locked the door. Even though all I could hear was the sounds of the water, the thought of a girl undressing in my washroom was awfully distressing.
"You're not gonna take a peek inside right? That'd be too much even for a lowlife like you."
"For someone so emotionless your words hit like a truck."
After that short exchange I decided it was finally time to get to work. I boiled the water and.. work finished, the noodles were ready.
*another hard day of work if I do say so myself.*
I took a couple paper towels to clean the floor. Afterall, she was just standing on my floor, wet as a dog, so I expected there to be some drops of water here and there. To my surprise, there wasn't much to clean. I'd say I deserve this lucky break. I made my way back to the kitchen to continue preparing for dinner.
As I was pouring the boiling water into the 2 cup noodles I heard the sound of the shower stop running. Looks like she finally finished. I was excited to see her in MY shirt. It has to be the top 5 things a male wants to see in their life so I can't be blamed for this.
As she slowly stepped outside the washroom -or at least it appeared slow to me gotta add dramatics to it- I saw her form. Her dark wet hair glistened in a way that shouldn't be possible for black hair. Even from where I was standing I could feel the aura of the shampoo she used. Almost everything she touched shined a little brighter.
How is it we use the same things but it has a much more affect on her than me. I never glistened like this!
But what was the most accentuated was, obviously, her deep red eyes. In the darkness of my room, it was almost like 2 pairs of blood soaked rubies were there. Her eyes stood out as the sole source of color in this monochrome world.
"How long are you gonna keep staring? It's embarrassing."
She says with no embarrassment in her face at all.
"Cant blame a man for being flustered at a cute girl in his clothes after stepping outside the shower."
"Flustered? For someone who claims to be, you don't look troubled in the slightest."
A cold sweat ran down my back. Or at least, that's what I liked to think.
"Who can say?"
I smoothly avoided that topic if I do say so myself.
"Well shall we start eating? The ramen will get cold at this rate."
I offered her a seat opposite from me on the table and set down the 2 cups of ramen.
"Help yourself. Unless you're one of those types who get embarrassed when people watch her eat."
"Of course not. That's only a thing that exists in fiction to make girls look more cute than they actually are. In real life people rarely actually care. Some still do but not that much."
"Way to ruin a man's dream."
After that, we both ate in silence. It wasn't awkward by any stretch of the imagination. We just had nothing to say. So we didn't. It wasn't that comforting silence of "just being next to them makes me happy!". But even so, having some company once in a while isn't so bad.
"Aren't you curious?"
I looked up, surprised. I didn't expect she would be the one to start the conversation.
"Kind of. But I'm not going to force you to say anything or do whatever you want. I'm just a dude offering you cup noodles."
She was obviously talking about whether I was curious about what she was doing at the park alone. But considering the circumstances, it's only gentlemanly of me if I don't rush her. But also deep down, I don't really care. I just found someone in need and did something about it. That's all there is to it. But just because I don't care doesn't mean I wouldn't like to know.
"Thank you for that, honestly."
She said that, but not a hint of thanks appeared on her face. Almost like she didn't even care about herself. No, that's not it. I know that face, it's someone who's given up. Someone who's tried and failed, almost like…
As I thought about something… Ack!
Again, the pain in my head started flaring up, this time a lot worse than the other 2 today. Or in my life honestly. Why did this have to happen now of all times?
"Are you okay?"
"Ya, I just get frequent headaches randomly. It disappears once I take my medication."
As I stood up to head for the bag I stumbled over and fell to the floor.
Well if this isn't a sign of goodluck, I don't know what is.
As I tried to get up, a hand grabbed hold of me and helped me settle on the coach. She had a look that was somewhat akin to concern. In any other situation I would've felt flattered.
"Ill get it for you. It should be in the bag right?"
How she knew that, I had no idea. For all she knows the only thing that should be there is the cup noodles, but I was in too much pain to delve too deeply into it.
"Ya it is, if it isn't too much trouble for you then get it for me please."
She stood up and walked towards the grocery bag. After rummaging around the mountains of instant noodles she eventually made her way over to me and handed me the pills. I opened it up and poured some into my mouth. Eventually, the pain subsided but my head was feeling a lot more light for some reason. As my vision started to slowly adjust again the first thing I saw were those same red, expressionless eyes. More vivid than ever before.
"Are you feeling better now?"
"Ya, I'm fine. Thanks for helping out."
And then, there was silence again.
"You know, it's been a while since I've been helped by anyone, or even talked to anyone."
"Sooooo you're a shut a hikikomori? I wouldn't expect that from someone who can harass people so easily. Actually, maybe that's why you can, your social awareness is down the drain."
"Thanks for the compliment."
I heard a sound that resembled… a laugh? From her? I looked over at her face and there she was. Her face is exactly the same. But a hint of a smile was there.
Would you look at that, she can smile after all.
I felt a trace of warmth in myself that I haven't felt in a long time. Was it happiness? I couldn't tell. But it felt like the room just got a little more warm. This feeling of talking to someone, even if you know nothing about them, is.. Fun. I couldn't help but let out a self-deprecating laugh.
"What's wrong?"
She asked, confused by this laughter.
"No, it's nothing. I just thought of something funny. But enough about this, how about some wii sports resort? Unless you're gonna say you're too old for the Wii."
"Don't be ridiculous, ill play."
I stood up from the couch and turned on the wii. That nostalgic feeling from when I was a kid, the happier and simpler times came washing over me.
How long has it been since I've turned this thing on?
After that, I don't remember much. All I remember is me and Ai playing throughout the night. It reminded me of a time that I've forgotten. A time where I was happy. Having fun just doing the little things in life. I don't have that childlike innocence anymore, but spending time with this stranger is strangely endearing. But just like the memories of the past, these endearing memories were left in the wake of oblivion.
***
Pain. My entire body was in pain.
What the hell.
I slowly got up from the ground, confused about what happened.
Did I fall asleep on the ground?
Based on what I could remember yesterday, it seems that I stayed up very late playing on wii with ai. I looked around and saw scattered bottles of sodas around. Since when did we take these out? I guess we get carried away by the mood.
Before I could get my daily morning headache I went to digest my medication beforehand. As I grabbed the bottle I noticed something strange. The bottle was almost empty. About 1/5th was leftover. Enough to last me the day. Did I really take this much yesterday? I honestly don't remember. I opened the bottle and ingested some of the pills and put it back on the counter. Well, time to start my day.
Around the same time, Ai woke up. She slowly sat up from the floor, her face still in a daze. Even though she's half asleep, this is the most "expression" I've seen on her face. She covered her mouth and let out a soft yawn. As she did the left part of the shirt slid down, revealing a little bit more than it should.
Woah, if you don't pull that shit up we are going to have a problem around here. At least, I'd like to think we would.
"What time is it?"
I snapped out of my daze and reached for my pocket to take hold of my phone. The time said 6pm.
Wow, I woke up later today than yesterday. Looks like we really stayed up late yesterday.
"It looks like it's about 6pm. We slept through most of today."
"Sounds to me like you're being a bad influence on me. I haven't woken up this late or stayed up that late in my life."
"Well, there's a first time for everything."
I made my way to where she was sitting and picked up the bottles of soda left over.
"Well how about you get ready to start your day, go wake yourself up. There should be an extra tooth brush in the drawer in the washroom."
She stood up after wobbling a little bit and slowly made her way to the washroom. I could hear the facet turn on which means she was probably in the process of brushing her teeth. In the meantime I decided to clean the living room of the chaos that ensued yesterday. I threw all the bottles in the trash, put the wii remotes on a shelf where they belong, and started preparing for breakfast. Well, I say breakfast but it's 6 o'clock.
"The washroom is all yours now, I'm done."
Ai came out of the washroom, looking a lot better than she did this morning. Well, maybe not better, but looking normal. She still wore that face of indifference, and there was still no light in her vibrant eyes. What a contradiction.
"Can you watch the water for me until I finish? Thanks"
I made my way to the washroom and got ready for my day. After finishing washing up, I took a look in the mirror.
That's weird.
Nothing changed since yesterday. Or I should say, nothing should have changed since yesterday. But my face… looked a little more alive. I took a quick scan of my surroundings. Actually, now that I'm looking at it, the room feels a little… warmer? I'm probably just imagining it.
As I went outside the washroom I couldn't help but take a look out of the balcony. And to my shock, it wasn't raining anymore. For the first time since I graduated high school, the rain stopped. It was still cloudy and the outside world was still gloomy, but the rain was gone. It's a goddamn Christmas miracle! I couldn't help but let out a smile. I don't mind the rain, actually I like it quite a bit. But seeing the world when it's not raining, I wouldn't say it's awe inspiring or beautiful or anything cheesy like that, but it's nice to see once in a while.
"How long are you gonna be spaced out for? The water is done boiling."
I looked over and saw Ai staring at me. But it wasn't the same type of stare she usually gave me. In place of that nothing was… a sense of pride? Like a mom watching her child do something good. That look made me feel like I had done something worth being proud of. I couldn't help but be a little embarrassed.
"What are you looking at?"
"Nothing. I just thought you looked a little less ugly today."
"Well that's a rude thing to say to the benevolent man who saved you yesterday."
"You were only doing it to fulfill your romcom main character cliche wishes."
"hey, even if i do something for ulterior motives it doesn't change the fact that i help you."
"It doesn't change the fact that you aren't necessarily a good person either."
"..well, maybe you got me there."
She turned away from me. But even as she did I could still see a trace of the same smile. I couldn't help but smile a little back at that reaction. And as I did, I saw little rays of sunlight appear between the clouds. Not enough to illuminate the world but enough where there are a few places that shine here and there.
"The water's getting cold. Hurry up and make the ramen."
"Cant you do it yourself? And would it kill you to say please women."
Even as I protested I made my way to the kitchen and made both of us some instant ramen. By the time I finished she already helped herself and was sitting at the table waiting for me. I made my way over carrying both cups of ramen and set them down. We both began to eat in silence. When was the last time I ate together with someone like this? I think the last time was right before I moved out. I moved out after graduating high school. Before then I'd always eat family dinner with my parents everyday. Well, maybe not always. As I progressed through school I started eating with them less and less. I never had any problems with my family, actually I love my parents and my siblings. I just grew up and got busier. It was just a natural course in life. So, sharing a meal with someone after all this time is nice. It's funny how much things you used to do everyday mean to you until it's gone. It really is one of those cases where "you don't know what you have until it's gone."
"What are you thinking about?"
"I was just thinking about how long it's been since I've sat down and ate with someone. It's kind of refreshing."
I couldn't help but let out a little genuine smile.
"If that's the case why don't you go to your family or friends sometimes? I don't know a lot about you but based on how you talk I can at least say you're socially capable. Which means you did have friends growing up."
"Well, I did and still do have friends. I talk to them when I see them coincidentally and it's like we never stopped talking to each other. The same with my family. There's no bad blood and when I see them I do have a good time. But I just grew up. I spent my high school days studying and making friends. After that I entered the work force and have just been working ever since. Nothing bad happened. Life did. And what you are seeing now is the result of it."
I took a glance at the state of my empty room, and so did she. Her eyes widened slightly. It looks like she realized. My room isn't boring because I'm a boring person, I've just been so busy with life that I haven't had the time to do what I want to do. I don't have any sad or tragic stories like other people do. I'm just the same as everyone else.
"Is that so… I'm sorry to hear that."
"Sorry? Sorry for what? There's nothing to be sorry for."
"No, it's nothing. Forget I said anything."
She looked straight at me, with a gaze that was filled with nothing but compassion. The first real emotion I saw from her ever since I've known her. I took an involuntary step back at this sudden change in demeanor. Well, not really since I was still seated in my chair. I tried to laugh it off in my head, but she still kept gazing at me with the same sense of compassion. This kindness that she's looking at me with… it fulfills me, but also disgusts me. I don't need kindness in my life.
A sudden drowsiness took over me. I think all this thinking is making me tired.
"I'm kinda tired, probably because I spent yesterday night sleeping on the floor. I think I'll go take a quick nap."
"Is that so…"
Ai put her hand under her chin. Striking a pose almost resembling someone deep in thought. If I didn't know any better I would've thought she was being kind of cute right now. But in no world would I ever admit that. All of a sudden she looked up straight at me with a shine in her eyes that resembled something like someone finding a new toy to play with.
What the hell is going on inside her head.
She swiftly made her way to the sofa and patted the seat next to it.
"Uhhh what is that supposed to mean? What are you scheming?"
"?"
That same look she gave me the first time we met. That same expressionless look that I could only tell was confusion because of the slight head tilt she made.
"What does it look like I'm doing? Come here."
"Sorry, but I don't trust whatever trap you have set up there."
"If you don't trust me that much you shouldn't have invited me into your apartment in the first place."
"Well… that's a fair point. But look at it from my side, you've never been this outgoing before so no wonder I'd be suspicious. Especially with that devilish glint in your eyes!"
She let out a loud sigh. This sigh might just be the loudest thing she's done.
"Consider it... Me repaying my debt to you. Nothing is free in this world. So your hospitality shouldn't be either. Or something. I don't know. Just come, sit down. It's my responsibility to do at least this much."
Well, when she puts it like that, I guess I can understand where she's coming from. I'm still reluctant to do as she says but… name a guy who wouldn't fold in this situation! I can't be blamed for this!
I made my way over to the seat next to her on the coach. The next thing I knew, she grabbed my head and forcefully pulled me down to her lap.
"I KNEW IT WAS TRAP, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING YOU FIEND-"
The next thing I knew, she started gently stroking my head. I looked up in utter confusion. Just what is she doing? And when I looked up, I saw those same red eyes. Eyes that once showed indifference now showed longing. My body convulsed from the shock of it all.
"What are you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm taking you to sleep."
"In such a cliche way? At least take me out to dinner first."
I protested, but in actuality I didn't really mind. My pride just wouldn't let me accept such a gift. So I had to act like I hated it more than I did.
I hate this part of myself. The one that wants kindness but can't bring himself to accept it.
"Dont act like you hate it."
She let out a little giggle at my attempted protest. She probably knew I was acting like this out of a sense of manly pride. She slowly reached for my hand and held it. This warmth… was like something I've never felt before. I genuinely felt my heart racing a little bit for the first time in my life.
"Why are you doing this?"
She didn't say anything back. But her eyes told me everything I needed to know. This isn't just something she decided to do as a joke, but to genuinely care for me. Even though my entire body was against it, I decided to ease my tension just a little bit and accept her embrace.
"Youve done a great job"
She said in a voice full of warmth. The complete opposite of what she's done so far. But it felt so natural somehow. Like this warmth was who she was supposed to be. I hate cliche words like "it'll be okay" or "don't worry im always there for you." but those words, for some reason, struck a chord with me. Like I've longed to hear those words. Sometimes, I don't even understand myself. No, I think I understand myself too much…
"Hey, are you enjoying your time here?"
I looked up at her and saw eyes brimming with curiosity. Like she genuinely wanted to know how I was feeling. I know I shouldn't but… I fell for the trap.
"If I'm being honest, no. My life for a long time has been devoid of any colour. I always complained about that, but I was the same. I try to joke around and laugh. But those are just lies to keep myself going. Worst of all is, I know all my lies are nothing more, they will always be just lies."
"You don't think lies can become the truth?"
"What kind of sick mindset is that? Of course they can't. There is only one truth."
The look she gave me when I said that was filled with disappointment. Her brows creased, straining her once unmoving face. And her eyes glistened, almost like she was on the verge of crying. That's impossible, she can't cry.
She squeezed my hand even tighter, like she wanted to imprint her existence onto me.
"Maybe it's true that there is one truth. But does that mean we have to accept it?"
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Everyone lives their lives under the influence of the same, universal truths. Yet, despite the same truths that tie everyone down, we all live differently. Why is that?"
"You tell me."
"It's because while those truths do exist, it does not exist in their own world. Everyone lives their lives living out some sort of lie or falsehood. Pretending like something is true when it isn't. And why's that? It's so they can keep on living their lives. Truth is absolute, but lies are power."
"What are you trying to say to me?"
"I'm trying to say that it's not too late. It's never too late. You can keep trying to be happy."
"But… I'm scared. Of course I want to be fucking happy, I want a life under the sun too. But what's the point if it'll all just disappear anyways?"
"Is something not worth doing because it will eventually go away? We live to enjoy the things that have a time limit to them. And there's one thing that's certain, Ai will never leave you."
I looked up past her eyes and to the balcony window. The clouds were gone. I could see the stars and the moon shining over the world. The deep blue moonlight making its way through the balcony window and illuminating the space around us. Deep blue? I looked around. Everywhere I looked, I saw color. The blue moonlight, he green couch, the brown floor tiles, the white walls, and the same red eyes, the color that was once the only source of warmth in my lifeless world.
"I.. think I can try again, just one more time. Thank you"
She gave me a warm, genuine smile. It was a look that showed nothing but pure emotion. I didn't know she had it in her to make that face. Looks like there really are a lot of things I don't know about her after all. I'll have to spend the rest of my life repaying her now for everything she did for me. Feeling the sense of drowsiness wash over me, I slowly closed my eyes. And before my world faded to black, I heard.
"The strongest types of lies… are lies people make themselves."
***
Flash
A blinding light assaulted my eyes. Lighting up my black world. Who the fuck is flashbanging me? Don't these neighbors know anything about respect! I covered my eyes with my hand and slowly opened my eyes. It turns out the light was coming from the balcony window.
Wait, what? I hurriedly sat up and turned around to the balcony, and there it was. A clear blue sky, the sun completely out with no clouds in sight.
"How many years has it been since I saw this scene?"
A sense of fulfillment washed over me for some reason. Wanting to share the news that the sun came out for the first time in years, I turned to find Ai and tell her the news. Except, no one was there.
"What the fuck?"
Ai, who has been living with me for the past 2 days was… gone. In a slight panic, I got up from the coach and went looking around the room to find her. I felt… heat, beginning to form in my eyes.
The first place I checked was the washroom. But the door was wide open and she wasn't there. However, strangely, there was the white shirt I left her sitting on the counter top. Like it had been untouched. I slowly go over to the shirt and pick it up. Usually after someone wears clothes there would be a lingering sense of warmth. But this shirt felt like… no one had worn it at all.
"Did she leave the house? Well it isn't raining anymore so she could just walk out without worrying about getting assaulted by the rain."
Following that logic, I went to the front door. But the door was locked. Which is a strange sense if she went outside, the door should have been unlocked, unless she locked it with a key. I only have one room key, so I went into my room to find it. It should be left on the table top. As I made my way to my room, my breathing intensified and my heartrate spiked.
"Please tell me the key isn't there. Please tell me she just left!"
My room is exactly the way I left it, a complete mess. The room emanated a dull chill that I haven't felt in a long time. The only sound that I could hear in this mute world were the sounds of my heartbeat pounding louder and louder.
As I made my way to the table I stepped over needles and white dust scattered about on the floor. This mess probably happened 2 days prior when I woke up with a massive headache and thrashed everything onto the floor in an attempt to find the medication I need for the headaches.
I eventually got to the table, and froze. Something that shouldn't have been there, was there like it hadn't been touched at all. The key to my apartment was laying on the table, exactly the way I left it. All sound drowned out. My breathing started becoming hoarse, and I clutched my chest as if I was about to have a panic attack.
"How could this have happened? I just have the will to keep trying, to keep living, to strive to be happy."
Her words rang in my ears in a world where sound should cease to exist.
*
"Ai will always be with you."
*
Even in my state of dismay, the puzzle pieces slowly started forming in my mind… no, they have been formed in my mind. I just didn't want to admit it. I tried my best to stop it, to keep living in this world, but it's too late now.
All of a sudden, Ai's last words from yesterday rang in my ears once again, as if transcending time to reach me for a second time.
*
"The strongest types of lies… are lies people make themselves."
*
My tears instantly dried up, as if they never existed in the first place. I slowly took a step back and exited out of my room back into the living room. From the balcony window, the sky was being obscured once again by grey clouds, filling my once warm and colourful room with grey once again. Then, a flash of lightning changed my world… or maybe reset it back to the way it was. And as if on queue, rain started pouring again. As if it had never left. The sound of rain filled my world once again.
"So… that's how it is."
This feeling… Yes, I know this feeling. I've known this feeling. I was right all along, it was all pointless from the very beginning.
I slowly make my way towards the door and exit my apartment. Leaving the door unlocked as I start walking outside. Even as it was raining, my body never got wet unlike Ai. I looked around to see that other people also weren't wet. I froze and stood in place. I raised my face to take a look at the sky. Even when directly under this torrent of rain… I didn't feel a single raindrop hit my face. I didn't want to admit it… I've been denying it for so long…
"The rain, the grey, AI, all of it… was a lie."
I couldn't help but let out a self deprecating laugh.
I thought it had been raining all this time, and in a way, it has. Just not for everyone else. It was only raining for me. That was my truth, and also my lie. It was a lie that was the truth in my world. Lies are power she said, i didn't get the full scope of those words until just now.
"This is… so fucked up."
That feeling came back to me, and I was suddenly overcome with an overwhelming wave of despair. After all this time, I finally got it. The answer has been in front of me for so long, but I refused to look at it. Ai, no… I knew all along. I want to live like anyone else. I want to be happy, I want to be fulfilled, I want to genuinely laugh and have fun in the sun too. That's what I was to me. She was the part of me that still hoped for a good ending. That's why she was sitting on the swings. Waiting for someone or something to give her the push she needed to start swinging. But that's also why she was emotionless. Because deep down inside, she knew it was useless. But she still tried her best, Ai tried to tell me to keep on going. But now… I dont think I have it in me anymore.
"If this is how it is, and how it's going to be, I'm sick of it."
I grab the white shirt that I gave Ai and put it on. And take one final glance at myself in the mirror.
"Dont I look as good and miserable as ever?"
I slowly walk out the washroom and make my way to the balcony window. I place my hand on the window and swing it open. I close my eyes. I can't hear anything, can't feel anything, no wind, no rain.
"Enough with this truth."
I step on top of the balcony railing, the wind blowing through my hair.
"Looks like I won't get my romantic comedy at the end of the day."
I couldn't help but let out a little chuckle at my own shitty joke in this situation. And then… I disappeared, as quick as the sun, the colors, the warmth, Ai, and my lies.