A few hours later, it's almost mid morning.
The carriage rattled along the muddy road, small rain smacking against the wooden wheels, which was barely holding its shape. I'd just finished mentally planning my next sarcastic diary entry—because if you're going to die in someone else's fantasy, you might as well do it with flair—when I noticed something.
Trailing behind us, like black smoke with a major identity crisis, were the wraiths. (I asked Coffi and she said, almost fainted again, that the wraiths were after us…) Follow us. I even laughed at her words because trust me, she was so scared, like I saw the fear in her eyes as she mentioned about those dark magic. And guess what? I saw nothing but cuteness. Though it was only in my eyes, to them, it was hell incarnate.
Of course, they were supposed to be terrifying. The kind of monsters that made peasants scream and knights wet their pants.
In any sane story, they would have been shadowy, dreadful, all sharp claws and glowing eyes, oozing fear itself.
But in my eyes…
They looked like teacup-sized shadow teddy bears with chubby cheeks.
Yes. Chubby. Cheeks. Like someone had taken a horror movie villain, shrunk it, and added baby fat.
I blinked as one of the shadows came forward. "You know," I began, folding my arms in my ridiculously oversized cloak, "you guys are… adorable. Terrifying? Eh. Kind of pathetic, actually. Do you have a union? Because clearly, management is failing."
One wraith tried to wail. It sounded like a vacuum cleaner struggling to start.
"Ah, yes. The classic 'I-am-terrifying' noise. Very intimidating. I'm shaking in my boots… not really. More like sitting in my boots, judging you." I pointed at a particularly plump shadow. "You! Stop floating so dramatically. Gravity exists, I checked. You're making me question basic physics!"
The black smoke wobbled like a gelatin dessert.
"Really, do you even know why you're here?" I continued. "Are you supposed to haunt a mine? Guard some cursed box? Or are you just here to trail a carriage like a group project you all hate?"
Another wraith attempted a swooping move. It got caught in the carriage wheel and bounced harmlessly to the side.
"Oh my God, careful!" I yelped, clutching the edge of the seat. "Yes, we get it, swooping is your thing, but maybe coordinate? Ever heard of teamwork? Google it!"
They hovered closer, all puffed-up cheeks and shadowy fluff. One tried to roar—I mean, really roar. It sounded like a cat with a hairball.
"Impressive," I said, deadpan. "Truly terrifying. I've never been so scared in my life… of something that looks like it could be served with tea and biscuits."
I leaned back, smug. "Honestly, if you're going to haunt me, at least learn some charm. I need manners taught here, okay? Your aura of doom is weak. Try menacing me with insults, not with your terrifyingly pudgy cheeks. Honestly, how is anyone supposed to fear that?"
A pause. I could swear one of them tilted its head. Maybe it was offended. Or confused. Hard to tell when it looks like a smudgy, floating macaroon.
"And another thing," I continued, warming up to my lecture. "Stop trailing us like we're on a sightseeing tour. Seriously, I have a carriage to ride in, my hair to keep dry, and sarcasm to maintain. If you're going to stalk me, at least do it in style. Try dark, foreboding, spooky—not chunky shadow teddy bear doing a wobble dance."
The lead wraith—who had the audacity to be even chubbier than the rest—puffed out its smoke in an attempt at intimidation.
I clapped slowly. "Bravo! That was… slightly less pathetic than last time. I'll give you a C-minus. Honestly, aim higher. Maybe grow a little sharper edge, or at least learn how to hover in formation. You're embarrassing yourselves—and me, by association!"
By now, the entire group of wraiths had gathered, floating in a chaotic cloud of teacup-shaped doom. They meant to be terrifying—but thanks to my commentary, they now looked like a dysfunctional daycare class of shadow creatures.
I leaned back and sipped my tea. "Okay, team. I think that's enough of the first lesson. Remember: menace first, adorable cheeks second. Dismissed!"
One wraith attempted what I assumed was a bow. It collided with another, bounced into a puddle, and poofed up in a spiraling smoke tornado.
"Perfect," I muttered. "Exactly what I meant by chaos management."
And with that, I turned back to my sleep, leaving the tiny shadow bears trailing behind the carriage, utterly useless but now, in my eyes, infinitely entertaining.
Because honestly?
They could be terrifying in the story—but in my world, they were basically shadowy, pudgy interns of doom.
*****
Several hours later.
Sundown hit just as we finally crested the hill that led to my father's territory.
The air smelled faintly of wet earth and burned wood, and my limbs ached like I'd run a marathon in stilettos… if I had shoes that fancy.
I felt it in my gut—something about arriving at this mansion made me want to just surrender my butt to gravity and nap forever.
Coffi—bless her soul—had already fainted twice during the long ride, each time screaming about "the shadows of doom that never end."
She was a brave soul… until a teacup-sized nightmare wraith followed us for more than three hours, bouncing behind the carriage like a tiny, pudgy, menacing puppy.
I, however, had a plan. A brilliant, sassy, genius-level plan.
"Listen up, you chubby smoke bears," I said, leaning out the carriage window as they jittered in the air like caffeinated marshmallows. "You're about to be employed. Consider this… a career upgrade. I'm your new boss. Happy?"
At first, the wraiths simply bounced up and down, wide-eyed, muttering incomprehensible poof poof noises. The chubby leader—the largest of them, suspiciously round and dangerous-looking in a "teacup with evil eyes" sort of way—kept staring at the ring I found. I swear, it practically glowed under their tiny shadowy noses.
"Ah, yes," I said, wagging a finger like a teacher in a particularly chaotic kindergarten. "You like that, don't you? That shiny piece of pure chinese knock off? Keep staring. Maybe you'll learn something."
Then I got cheeky.
"Guess what," I told them, leaning closer, "I could let the ring eat you. Or, you know… your career prospects. The choice is yours."
I saw their shocked faces. And it hit me! They were afraid of the ring…or maybe needed the ring to survive, so I tried my luck.
The effect was immediate. The bouncing slowed. They froze. Tiny chubby arms crossed themselves in unison. Head tilted, eyes glinting.
They were officially considering the terrifying implications of a ring-hungry human.
Finally, they agreed to my terms.
They would become my invisible, chubby, floating bodyguards. They just had to hide themselves in plain sight whenever I said so.
HA!
It was hilarious watching these "dark spirits of terror" cautiously obey me because of a shiny accessory on my finger.
By the time we reached the mansion, I couldn't see them anymore—well, not fully.
But I could hear the leader's chipmunk-like voice in the air, complaining in muffled squeaks about the state of my "poor excuse for a mansion" and how the dark magic they had once woven across the land was gradually fading.
Apparently, without that ring's pure dark magic, they had no choice but to follow me…
I just smiled. "Yeah, guess who's boss now?"