Chapter 6 - MY FUTURE SELF IS A MENACE TO SOCIETY

I wish I could say I reacted gracefully.

I did not.

The moment the hood fell just enough for me to see the face underneath, my soul left my body, came back, slapped me, and left again.

Because the cloaked, reality-bending, bee-imploding sorcerer was—

Me.

Not a clone.Not a twin.Not a multiverse variant who drinks decaf.

Just older.Taller.Cooler.More unhinged.

And clearly operating with DLC I have no memory of purchasing.

"You—You're—ME?" I stammered.

Future Me grinned. "Yep. From about… hmm… twelve years ahead? Don't worry, puberty goes well eventually."

"I— what— HOW— why are you— how did you— VOID SYNTHESIS???"

Future Me flicked imaginary dust off their cloak."It's a long story. Actually no, it's not. I woke up one day and decided physics was optional."

That did not help.

"Okay, back up," I said, climbing to my feet. "Why did you just appear out of nowhere like a cosmic tax auditor?"

Future Me pointed at the empty space where a boss-sized bee used to exist.

"Because that was supposed to kill you."

"Excuse me??"

"Yeah. You were destined to die there. Canon event. Very sad. Very crunchy. But then you invented hydrogen."

I blinked."…what?"

"You heard me," Future Me said. "The moment you accidentally triggered , you derailed your own timeline so badly that the universe had to pull me in as damage control."

"That doesn't make sense."

Future Me tapped their staff. "I am you. I don't have to make sense."

Before I could argue, the system chimed in:

"DISPOSE??" I shouted at the ceiling.

Future Me waved it off. "Ignore that. Last time I ignored it nothing bad happened… except the moon thing. But you'll learn about that later."

THE MOON THING???

I inhaled sharply, trying to focus. "Okay. Let's just—start slow. Why are you here?"

Future Me clapped once. "Great question! Time for exposition dump."

They pointed at me dramatically.

"YOU, dear past-me, are what we call a 'Glitchpoint Entity.'"

"What does that MEAN?"

"It means," Future Me said, pacing, "the system literally does not know what to do with you. It gives you achievements you shouldn't have. Skills you didn't earn. Luck you don't deserve. And catastrophes you very much DO."

"So, business as usual?"

"Exactly."

The system, sounding exhausted:

Future Me continued, "Because you're a Glitchpoint, the universe has scheduled you for early deletion at least twelve different times."

I swallowed. "Has… has that ever worked?"

Future Me snorted. "Please. I once survived by tripping over a rock at terminal velocity."

"What does that even mean??"

"It means you're stupidly lucky and unreasonably durable. Anyway," Future Me said, pointing at the space where the warehouse wall used to be, "that bee was your fourth scheduled death."

"And you just… stopped it."

"Yep."

"But doesn't that cause paradox?"

"No, that's if you meet your past-self AND shake hands."

We stared at each other.We realized something at the same time.

"…we shook hands."

The system began SCREAMING.

Future Me froze. "Okay. Okay. Don't panic."

"I AM PANICKING."

"No no no, it's fine, it's fine—just—DON'T MOVE."

I instinctively took a step back.

The air rippled.

Reality wobbled.

And then—

KRRRAAAAAAA-SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

A tear in spacetime ripped open like an angry zipper.

Purple lightning.Black fog.A deep, monstrous hum.

And from the rift stepped a creature that should NOT EXIST.

It had:

• a humanoid body made entirely of system error messages,

• a head shaped like a warped hourglass,

• arms that looped in and out of reality,

• and glowing red eyes that looked like corrupted loading bars.

• The system went into full meltdown:

The creature pointed directly at ME.

It spoke in a voice like corrupted audio files:

"ERRRRRROOOOORRRR— YOU HAVE SHAKEN HANDS WITH YOURSELF. PENALTY: DEATH."

Future Me sighed loudly.

"Oh great," they muttered. "This guy again."

"AGAIN???" I yelled.

"Yeah. He never learns. Watch."

Future Me stepped forward.

The Paradox Reaper growled:"UNAUTHORIZED DUPLICATE DETECTED— ERASURE PROTOCOL—"

"That's enough," Future Me said, raising a single finger.

One finger.

A single, casual, bored-looking finger.

"Sit."

The universe shook.

The Reaper crumpled like a disappointed Labrador.

Even the system didn't know what to do:

<…>

Future Me cracked their neck. "Listen, buddy. I've told you before. Multiverse laws don't apply to me."

The Paradox Reaper whimpered.

I stared. "What did you DO to it?"

"Long story short," Future Me said casually, "I defeated it in a rap battle once and it never recovered."

I did not know where to put that information.I still don't.

Future Me turned to me. "Okay. We've got about five minutes before the timeline stabilizes. After that, I get yoinked back to my era."

"Wait—no—then what do I do??"

Future Me leaned in closer.

"You survive."

"That's it??"

"Yes. But also no. Look—every insane thing that happens to you? Every bug? Every glitch? Every boss monster with tax-evading energy? It's all building up to something."

"What?"

Future Me smiled.

A VERY ominous smile.

"You are going to meet someone."

"Who?"

"The one who breaks the system."

A chill went down my spine.

The system whispered:

Future Me raised one hand and flicked the system window shut like an annoying pop-up ad.

"Yeah yeah, shut up," they muttered.

Then they looked at me again.

"You'll know her when you see her."

"Her??"

"Yes. She is—"

Suddenly the timeline shook.

The portal behind them widened.

Reality began dragging Future Me backward like a vacuum cleaner who wants its deposit back.

"Oh crap," Future Me hissed. "Okay—listen—just remember—she has—"

"HAS WHAT???"

Future Me managed one last shout before being sucked back through time:

"—WEIRD EYES!"

The portal snapped shut.

Silence.

Dust settled.

Confused system messages flickered.

And I stood alone in the wrecked warehouse, trying to understand what any of that meant.

Then the system displayed one final notification: