"DISASTER"
This has turned into a recipe for disaster, so much fighting wasn't part of the plan, insecurities and differences, now it's out of my hands, woke up to 4 missed calls, clearly something ain't been right between us.
She keeps getting loud while I'm tryna speak, we won't find a solution, I should've known that we're a ticking time bomb, I'm so sick of the fighting, it wasn't part of the plan, we were supposed to have love and sex, build and bond but now all we do is share toxic energy.
Everytime I turn off my phone, I come back to accusations and interrogations, her misconceptions and the miscommunication led her to thinking that I'm fucking somebody else but I've been swamped for hours with work.
Arguing with me about the girl that isn't even a friend of mine, we've never touched or kissed but everytime she appears, I already know there's gonna be some bullshit later. It's only a matter of time after I fuck with her emotions until she starts putting our business on her posts, as if we didn't agree on never putting our bussiness out there.
The only time I find out how she really feels about me is when she's mad at me, she thinks that I've been messing with few girls on the side, so she starts talking to other niggas and at this point I'm ready to really do what she's been accusing me of but I don't wanna put her through the pain.
This has turned into a war, company turned into a battlefield, I'm sick and tired of the fighting, this wasn't part of the plan.
"HATE ME FOREVER"
Would she rather that I play her for a fool, make promises that I don't mean to her heart, use her love for my selfish reasons and then leave her hanging when I find something else? It wasn't supposed to get to this point, I was just trying to have fun and protect our hearts from a disaster but she's always wanted more from me.
I thought that she would understand my reasons, I thought she'd settle for the little that I can offer but she was so fixed upon the idea of us being lovers and in a relationship, I walked away quietly and I spent my time with another girl, she found out through social media and then she blew up my phone on some drama, I didn't have the time nor the energy, so she took offense and left me a 5am text.
"You don't even wanna have a conversation about this, you're just immature and always running, I'm done waiting for you and everything, I deserve that loves me and is sure about it, don't bother replying because I'm blocking you, bye", that's what she said.
She wanted me to give her more even though I made it clear that I'm not ready for commitment and love, I don't care if she decides to hate me forever, I'm not the type of guy who's gonna rush himself into something he ain't ready for just for somebody's happiness.
I was just trying to kep it safe, have fun with no strings but she's always wanted more from me.
"MOMMY ISSUES"
I used to think that it's normal for a mother to not be affectionate with her child, things like hugs and "I love you" weren't part of my childhood. I'm getting older now and every single thing that I grew up not getting from my mother is now what I search for in all these girls, at this point, I lost count.
Now instead of getting to know each other and taking things slow, I always wanna jump the talking stage and get to the point where a girl falls for me, that's when she loves me with no conditions but as soon as it gets to the commitment, I find myself somebody else to love me. I used to think less of my mommy issues but now that I'm older, getting involved with multiple women, I can't even open up to anybody, all I do is feed my appetite, then I move on.
These mommy issues are now getting more louder, I'm out here looking for a girl that's gonna love me, hug me, ask about my day and communicate with me, maybe that's gonna fill up this void I have inside.
A child's first love is his mother, I know that my loves me wholeheartedly but she's never been affectionate, that part did something to me when I was growing up and now that I'm getting involved with these girls, it's showing how closed off and toxic I am, that there's some things I gotta heal from.