THE PAIN OF MOTHERHOOD
Since when did my success become something I want to hide?
How do you celebrate a victory when the one person who should be proud of you will see it as betrayal?
I stared at the letter in my hand, my promotion to the post of managing director printed in bold print at the top. it should have been announcing a victory. it was everything I had worked for; the late night shifts, the endless shifts, the sacrifices I told myself were worth it. I ran my fingers on the logo and all I can feel is... dread.
The answer is pretty clear.
To him, my success isn't ours. It's mine alone.
And in that house, our home, that makes it a threat.
"Quit that job! You're only f*****g your way up the ranks!" his voice when I was promoted to my current position rang in my head and I would be honest, it still stings like the first time he said it.
I shook my head. I can't show this to him, I can't tell him.
I folded the paper carefully and dipped it into my bag before standing up.
I forced a breath, my fingers tightening around the straps of my bag. Tomorrow is Finn's birthday and I had gotten a day off. I could hear doors shutting and laughter drifting in the air. The office was becoming empty as the last few employees trickled out.
I was so tired.
I should leave too. I should go home.
But my feet didn't move.
Instead, I stared at my reflection on the glass window of my soon to be old office, at the reflection of a woman who used to be.
The elevator dinged in the distance. Someone laughed. Life moved on.
And, I... I hesitated before exhaling.
With one last glance, I turned off the lights and grabbed my car key before walking out.
I won't show him and we will get to be happy for a few more months before he finds out.
The drive home was silent. My windows were rolled up, the radio was turned off and the AC at it's highest.
A few minutes later, I pulled up into the parking lot of our duplex and switched off the engine. I grabbed my bag and a brown envelope before shutting the car and staggering to the door.
It's a few hours to midnight. Finn should be asleep upstairs, his nanny would have tucked him in. But Sebastian should be awake, probably watching TV or on his laptop.
I scanned my finger print and turned the knob before stepping in.
"Sebastian?" I called tiredly. My voice echoed through the dimly lit living room but there was no answer.
The TV played on a low hum in the background, casting flickering lights across the empty couch. I rubbed my tired eyes, my eyes taking in the half-empty glass of whiskey sitting on the coffee table, the ice long melted.
I sighed, slipped out of my heels as I walked towards the stairs.
"Sebastian?" I called again.
Maybe he's in the study or he's just avoiding me. Either way, I don't have the energy to deal with him tonight.
I just want to see Finn before I sleep. And maybe Sebastian too.
My fingers trailed along the wooden railing as I ascended, the familiar creaking sound of the third step greeted me.
But as I reached the fourth step, a faint noise stopped me.
My head snapped back as the door to the nanny's room creaked open and he stepped out.
I rubbed my tired eyes. "Sebastian? Is that you?"
"Yes honey" he said, walking towards me.
"What are you doing there?" I asked softly.
"She had a problem with a leaking pipe. I went to help" he said as he walked closer and engulfed me in a hug.
I didn't dwell much on it as I melted into the hug until he pulled away. I kissed his cheek goodnight and continued on my way to Finn's room.
I opened the door and slipped in. The soft rug muted my footsteps as I approached his bed. And like I had expected, he was already asleep.
I took his tiny little hand in mine and squeezed it softly, running my thumb over his soft skin. Even in sleep, his fingers twitched slightly, instinctively holding on.
He still reaches for me.
A lump rose in my throat as I knelt beside his bed, taking in his peaceful expression. He doesn't know how much of my world revolves around him. How every late night, every exhausting day, every sacrifice, I do it for him.
"Mommy is now a managing director" I whispered. I knew he can't hear me, and that was why I said it.
I brushed a stray curl from his forehead. Seven. It feels like just yesterday he was taking his first steps, giggling as he wobbled towards me, his little arms outstretched. Now, I blinked, and he's growing too fast, slipping through my fingers like sand.
I should be here more.
But I can't be.
Not when everything rests on me.
Sebastian used to carry that weight too. Before the accusations. Before the trial. Before the shame of embezzlement... Whether true or not true, it made every job interview a dead end. It's been four years now.
I tried. God knows I tried. I combed through listings, pulled every string I had, but he wouldn't take anything that felt like a step down. Wouldn't swallow his pride.
And so, the weight fell on me.
The bills, the mortgage, the school fees, the nanny's paycheck so that Finn won't feel my absence so much.
It sucks.
But I'm not complaining.
This is what you do for the people you love. You hold everything together, even when it's breaking you.
I dipped my hand into my purse and brought out a wrap of chocolate which I placed on his palm.
Then, I spared his peaceful form a last glance and slipped out of his room to make my way towards our room.
I want to be as good as new for his seventh birthday.
My angel.