The entire school might have been treating the "Pig Incident" like the greatest comedy of the decade…
…but Ron Weasley and "Mad-Eye Moody" saw it as a nightmare.
A horrible, life-ruining, dignity-obliterating nightmare.
So naturally, the two victims of the most humiliating moment in Hogwarts history decided to do the only logical thing:
Start an investigation.A very, very stupid investigation.
Scene 1: The Awkward Beginning
Ron met Moody outside the Great Hall.
Both avoided eye contact.
Both flinched whenever someone snorted behind them.
Ron muttered, "Professor… we need to find out who did that."
Moody grunted, "Aye. Someone attacked me. Me! Mad-Eye Moody. Turned me into a pig—A PIG!"
His magical eye spun wildly.His real eye twitched.
Ron whispered, "And… uh… made us… y'know…"
Both shuddered at the memory.
A nearby second-year looked at them and immediately burst into laughter so hard he tripped over his shoelaces.
Moody growled, "We find the culprit. We CRUSH them."
Ron nodded vigorously.
They had no idea they were going to fail spectacularly.
Scene 2: The Suspect Board
They sneaked into an unused classroom and pulled out a giant parchment.
On top, Ron wrote:
SUSPECTS WHO COULD HUMILIATE US SO BADLY
Moody immediately added:
"Death Eaters"
"Foreign Assassins"
"Invisible Wizards"
"The Ministry"
"Dumbledore himself"
"The castle ghosts"
"An unknown Dark Lord of Transformation"
"Peeves"
"A new breed of magical pig that can cast spells"
Ron slowly crossed out the last one.
Ron: "Professor, I don't think pigs can cast magic—"
Moody: "You'd be surprised, boy."
Then Ron wrote the names of students who might have motive:
Fred & George
Draco Malfoy
Lee Jordan
Peeves (again)
Luna Lovegood (Ron insisted)
Neville (Moody insisted)
Roy Valvas (Massive question mark)
They stared at the list.
Moody grunted, "Let's start interrogating them."
Scene 3: Interrogating Fred & George
They cornered the twins first.
Fred grinned.George grinned.They didn't even try to look innocent.
Moody slammed his cane on the floor."Did you two turn me into a pig?!"
Fred: "If we did, we'd make posters of it."
George: "Limited edition. Best-seller."
Fred: "We didn't—sadly."
George: "But we applaud whoever did."
Ron's left eye twitched violently.
Moody's magical eye spun like a blender.
But they admitted nothing.
Reason: They were innocent.(Also, they were too busy thinking how to turn the moment into Weasley's Wizard Wheezes merchandise.)
Scene 4: Draco's Interrogation
Draco was easy to find.He was still recovering from being turned into a ferret.
Moody (grumbling): "Malfoy, did you hex me?"
Draco: "Why would I hex you? You… you…"He pointed dramatically."You ferreted me!"
Ron: "He turned you into a ferret?"
Draco nodded miserably.
Ron smirked."That's brilliant."
Moody glared at Draco.
Draco glared at Ron.
Ron glared at Moody.
It was a beautiful triangle of pure hatred.
In the end, Draco stormed off, outraged and definitely not guilty.
Scene 5: Peeves — The Ultimate Confusion
Peeves was floating upside down singing:
"Piggy Moody, kissy-kissy Woony!~"
Ron tried to grab him.
Peeves turned invisible.
Peeves turned into a spoon.
Peeves threw chalk at Moody.
Peeves threw toilet water at Ron.
Peeves did everything…
Except confess.
Because he didn't do it.
Even Peeves knew he wasn't skilled enough to pull off a silent instantaneous transfiguration on a vigilant auror.
Scene 6: The Moment of Realization
Finally, Ron stared at the suspect list.
Everyone was interrogated.
Everyone denied it.
Ron: "Professor… what if…"
Moody leaned forward dramatically.
Ron: "…what if the magic came from nowhere?"
Moody froze.
Then nodded slowly.
"Aye… unpredictable magic… wild magic… INDEPENDENT MAGIC…"
He slammed his fist on the table.
"THE CASTLE DID IT."
Ron gasped.
"That makes so much sense!"
It did not.
At all.
But it was the only explanation their combined two brain cells could handle.
Moody and Ron proudly marched out of the room as if they solved the biggest mystery in Hogwarts history.
Meanwhile, Somewhere Else in the Castle…
Roy sat with Hermione, Daphne, and the others in the library, reading peacefully.
He quietly sipped tea.
He quietly flipped a page.
He quietly ignored the distant sound of professors still laughing about The Pig Incident.
He quietly ignored Ron and Moody searching for clues.
And he quietly thought:
"They are never finding out."
And they never would.