1) North Korea.
Do I really need to explain this one to you? Wait—what?! You want an explanation?? Alright, fine…
Kim Jong-un doesn't spend all his time in barbershops and bespoke military fashion studios. In between those hobbies, he occasionally scowls. And when that happens—uh-oh. Big trouble could follow.
So yeah. We are definitely not taking shelter there, comrade.
2) Russia.
Now, don't start, okay? There are not bears walking around in ushankas. I mean, technically they're there, and yeah, you can slap a hat on their heads, but I seriously doubt they've mastered the fine art of balalaika solos. Though honestly, I do know you'd love to teach them how to dance Kalinka- Malinka with their matryoshka girlfriends.
But—Putin is there. That's a confirmed fact.
And he probably hangs out in the Kremlin quite a bit, discussing world-shaking plans. I'm also
guessing he's a fan of cosplay, just like you. I mean, how else do you explain him regularly dressing up as an anime villain and threatening the world with his "nuclear punch"? Sure, he's not aiming it directly at you, but let's be real—you feel that hit even from outside the octagon.
And since you're not a fan of pain—neither inflicting it nor receiving it—we're not buying any tickets to St. Petersburg today. Nope, not heading that way.
3) Iran.
As your loyal inner mentor, I deeply mourn the tragic passing of your internal linguist—the poor soul who perished after consuming one too many dodgy burritos of wrong definitions. I don't mean
to guilt-trip you, but... yeah, that was kinda your fault. You keep mixing up Iran and Iraq! And you're still not sure which one's scarier for you.
Wanna hint? It's the one with the "N" at the end.
Also, Iran might just have that spicy little toy you're trying to outrun—the one that glows in the dark and ruins skin-care routines. So, yeah, you two probably shouldn't be planning a spa day together.
4) USA & Europe.
Bro, I got you. Hold on tight, and don't make any dumb moves.
This corner of the world? Yeah, no hiding here. Every country's tied up in that red string wall map that detectives use in crime shows to connect serial killers. And guess what? Every suspect in the upcoming nuclear whodunit is on it. That includes the good ol' US of A and most of Europe.
Wanna run away, holding hands like we're Frodo and Sam? Hell yeah, I'm down! But let's think it through first—where do we start our little trek to Mount Doom?
Oh wait—you just gave me a solid idea. Perfect for a starter location!