Ken marched toward the faintly glowing town with the enthusiasm of a man heading straight into a wall he already knew he wouldn't survive. The sky was softening at the edges, dawn starting to bleed gently into the horizon, turning everything a little too peaceful for the disaster currently unfolding on his back.
Specifically, Alis.
He still had her hoisted up over his shoulders, carried piggyback-style, limp as a ragdoll and just as heavy. Her soft breath fanned against the side of his neck, her arms hung loose around his collarbone, and her legs dangled behind him, occasionally kicking him in the kidney whenever he stepped wrong. But the real problem—the catastrophic, dignity-destroying problem—was pressed firmly between his shoulder blades.
Her boobs.
He didn't want to think about them. He tried not to think about them. He did everything in his power to empty his mind of boob-related awareness. But no matter how hard he focused on the road, the scenery, his future, or the fact that extreme testicular torsion awaited him if he failed his quest, there they were. Soft. Warm. Against his back. Reminding him of his powerlessness with every step he took.
His face had been red for the last twenty minutes. He was certain the guards, if there were any, would assume he had a fever.
"Why… why is gravity my enemy today…" he muttered, teeth clenched.
The System pinged into existence with the exact level of smugness Ken had come to fear.
[Because you're weak.]
Ken nearly stumbled. "I— excuse me?!"
[Observation: Elevated heart rate. Cause: continuous contact with companion's boobs.]
"They're on my BACK!" he hissed. "And she's unconscious!"
[Incorrect. Weight distribution is not the source of your emotional disturbance.]
"I WILL uninstall you with a stick."
[Denial logged.]
Ken tightened his grip on Alis's legs and stomped forward harder, as if violence toward dirt would somehow save him. Unfortunately for him, stomping also caused the soft, squishy problem on his back to shift and bounce slightly, which only made his face turn redder.
"Fantastic. Amazing. I'm going to die of embarrassment before the quest kills me. Wonderful. Perfect."
[User is thinking about boobs again.]
"STOP SAYING THAT OUT LOUD."
[No.]
Ken groaned, tried to breathe through it, and marched forward. The town was now in front of him—stone walls not tall enough to be intimidating, a pair of wooden gates propped open like the town wanted to look welcoming but couldn't afford actual guards. Except—no. They could afford guards. Two of them. They stood by the entrance, alert, armored, and staring right at him as he approached carrying an unconscious woman like a badly positioned backpack.
"Oh gods," Ken whispered, "they're going to think I kidnapped her."
[Correct. Probability: 83%.]
"That was NOT an invitation to confirm anything!"
The guards stepped forward, blocking the entrance. The moment Ken stopped walking, Alis slid lower on his back, her chest pressing even more firmly against him. Ken made a noise halfway between a squeak and a whimper.
The first guard cleared his throat professionally. "Halt. Identification, please."
Ken blinked. "Identification?"
The guard's eyebrow lifted like it was about to accuse him of tax fraud. "Guild-issued adventurer ID."
Ken stared. His brain went completely blank.
Then all at once, every reason he did not have an ID hit him like a brick.
He wasn't a guild member. He wasn't an adventurer. He didn't exist legally. He couldn't even prove his name was Ken.
"…Uhhh."
The second guard narrowed his eyes. "Sir. Do you have identification or not?"
Ken looked them dead in the eye, then shifted Alis slightly because she was slipping again, which caused her boobs to squish slightly more firmly against his back, which caused his soul to attempt escape through his mouth.
"Define 'have.'"
Both guards stared. The System chimed in, helpful as a sledgehammer to the teeth.
[User has no legal identity, no guild status, and no documentation. Recommend lying.]
Ken hissed, "You're not helping," out the side of his mouth.
[Incorrect. Lying statistically improves success.]
"You've taught me NOTHING!"
[Correct.]
The first guard frowned deeply. "Who are you talking to?"
Ken's brain scrambled for the first excuse it could find.
"My, uh… god."
The guard's eyebrow climbed even higher. "Your god speaks to you?"
Ken straightened his back, instantly regretted it because of the boobs, and muttered, "Yes. Loudly. Constantly. And rudely."
The System pulsed, smug as ever.
[Frequently.]
Ken resisted the urge to scream.
The guards exchanged a look that clearly said, "He's insane, but not the dangerous kind. Probably."
One spoke up. "Entry without an ID requires a temporary travel fee."
Ken's breath hitched. "How much?"
"Twenty silvers," the guard replied.
Ken's heart dissolved into dust. "I don't have one," he whispered.
The guard shrugged. "Then turn around."
Ken looked back.
Through the gates: hope, home, shelter, safety.
Behind him: road, danger, more walking, more quests, more maternal instinct if Alis woke up unexpectedly.
He swallowed. Hard.
"Look," Ken said, shifting Alis again as she drooled slightly on his neck, "I'm carrying a sleeping girl who could— for personal reasons— absolutely ruin me if she wakes up right now. All I need is somewhere to put her down before I panic myself into early retirement."
The guards blinked and leaned slightly to get a better look.
"…Is that your girlfriend?" the second guard asked.
Before Ken could prepare a proper explanation, the System chimed.
[Correct assessment.]
"I AM NOT WITH HER!" Ken barked.
[Denial logged again.]
Ken nearly threw Alis at the System.
The first guard sighed. "We'll let you in… if she wakes up and confirms you're traveling together."
Ken froze.
If she woke up NOW—like THIS—her arms around him, her boobs on his back, maternal instinct dormant but absolutely within rebooting range…
He would die.
Instantly.
Softly.
Boobily.
"N-No rush!" he stammered. "She sleeps deeply! Very deeply! Extremely deeply! Please don't— don't poke the bear. Or the baker."
The System pinged again.
[Embarrassment level: high.]
The first guard frowned, squinting. "Sir… are you okay?"
Ken looked him straight in the eye with the deadness of a man who had seen too much too fast.
"I haven't been okay in DAYS."
The second guard nodded gravely. "Ah. Relationship troubles."
The System chimed quietly.
[Correct.]
"STOP AGREEING WITH PEOPLE!"
He shifted Alis again, which caused her head to nuzzle deeper into his neck. Ken made a sound like a deflating balloon. Her boobs pressed harder against his back as gravity shifted them.
He whimpered internally.
[Observation: User's face is now 99% flushed. Cause: boobs.]
"I WILL THROW YOU INTO A FURNACE," Ken whispered.
[Threat detected. Irrelevant.]
The guards stepped a little closer, now visibly concerned.
One of them poked Alis's leg lightly with his spear.
"Miss? Can you hear me? We just need to confirm your connection to this… gentleman."
Ken panicked.
"DON'T WAKE HER UP—!"
But it was too late.
Alis stirred.
Ken felt her shift on his back. Felt her head lift slightly. Felt her breath change. Felt her arms twitch.
Oh no.
Oh no no no no no—
Alis mumbled something unintelligible, soft and warm against his shoulder.
The System chimed eagerly.
[Companion consciousness rising.]
"NO. STOP IT. DON'T ANNOUNCE IT."
[Maternal trait: inactive. For now.]
Ken's knees trembled.
Alis groaned sleepily. "Mmm… warm…"
Ken froze. The guards froze. The world froze.
Her arms tightened slightly around his chest, hugging him out of pure reflex.
Her boobs— already a problem— pressed even more firmly against his back.
Ken made the sound of a dying ferret.
Alis blinked one eye open. "Ken…?" she murmured, barely awake. "Why are we moving…? Why am I on your back…?"
Ken, shaking, whispered, "Please go back to sleep."
The guards leaned down and asked loudly, "Miss, are you traveling with this man?"
Alis rubbed her cheek against Ken's shoulder in the most innocent, sleepy snuggle imaginable.
"Mmm… yeah… Ken is warm and cute…" she mumbled.
The System chirped triumphantly.
[Confirmation received. Entry approved.]
The guards nodded. "Alright, you two may enter."
Ken stood there, barely breathing, one eye twitching, trying to decide whether the universe hated him or loved humiliating him more.
"Wonderful," he squeaked.
He shuffled forward, Alis still clinging to his back like a sleepy octopus, as the guards stepped aside.
The System brightened cheerfully.
[Quest Progress: 12%. Keep carrying your girlfriend.]
"STOP CALLING HER THAT!"
[Denial logged for the fifth time.]
Ken marched into town with a blush so intense it could be used as a lighthouse beacon.