I've really hit rock bottom. I'm disgusting, and I know that calling myself trash over and over won't change anything, but I think it's the only way that, by reading this, I can come to my senses and realize that I want to change. I want a real change.
At the beginning of the year, I used to read a lot: mangas, novels, and I also listened to some audiobooks.
Right now, I'm trying to remember what my thoughts were at the start of the year, but I can only remember that I truly wanted to make the most of it, to be a better person than I had been in all the previous years. A common wish that many people share.
But I failed miserably. I didn't accomplish a single thing I said I would. I was supposed to go to the gym, keep an optimistic mindset, study hard so that next year I could start university, go out more, meet more people, get a job, make money, invest…
Yeah, I'm aware that it was unrealistic, that I was just building castles in the air. It was too much for me, a lazy person, as many people I know would say.
Now I'll tell you a bit about what I've been doing: nothing, absolutely nothing.
I've spent my time occasionally reading some erotic novels and hentai comics. I've masturbated a lot, too much. It's very rare for a day to go by without me doing it. I've tried to stop, but I always end up giving in, being self-indulgent.
Today is 09/27/2024. I've basically thrown away a year of my life, although you could also say I've wasted the previous years too, even back in high school. The education system must be really bad if I managed to graduate with decent grades.
Today, 09/28/2024. Just as I said yesterday, I haven't touched myself since then, although technically it hasn't even been a full day yet. Well, just a few more minutes and it will be a day. One day at a time, I guess.
I haven't done anything productive today. I just cooked, listened to an audiobook (a novel), and played a Pokémon fangame. That was my whole day. Yeah…
Pretty shitty, but I guess it was better than yesterday. That day I jerked off more than ten times. I've hit rock bottom and I want to change.
Today, 09/29/2024, is the first day without jerking off. I feel like I'm doing something right. Yeah, it might sound stupid, but to me it already makes a difference.
It really is stupid to think that just by stopping jerking off I'll become better, but it's a small step for me.
I'll take small steps, because I know I'm not someone who does everything at once.
I really had tried in the past; I thought I could handle everything.
I have to admit that I touched myself today. I'm disappointed in myself, but I stopped before reaching orgasm. The fact that I did it for pleasure could already be considered a failed day, but I'll try to be generous with myself and let it slide since I stopped before finishing. I was able to reflect and not completely give in. I won't do it again.
So here's the deal: I know that if I don't count it, I'll feel bad, but I also know that if I do count it, I'll feel even worse. So, for now, I'll count it, and when I have more days, I'll discount it.
Today I also took a shower and washed some of my clothes. Nothing else.
Today, 09/30/2024. Second day without jerking off.
Today, 10/01/2024. I've failed. I've masturbated, and not once, but several times during the day… I feel disgusting. I promise I won't do it tomorrow.