Chapter 1
Catherine's POV
I sat on the couch, my chest tight as I re-read his message–Later in life I guess, Bye.
I felt my fingertips run cold. I couldn't imagine that the person who asked me to be his best friend three years ago, sent me this text.
I slowly lost myself in his fog. The way he saw me how others couldn't, the way he felt like a book where I could write my story on without judgement.
And with one thing–graduating from high school, it all went away.
I put my phone away, but my heart stayed on his last message. My head ached, as my eyes said the words my brains couldn't fathom, as everything blurred around me.
I slowly slid down the couch and landed on the tiled floor with my knees, and my hand over my chest.
The weather wasn't chilly, but every hair on my skin rose and so did the realization.
I just slowly laid on the floor, closed my eyes, and let the silence sit. I wanted to scream, but my lungs and throat felt constricted, so I just quietly sobbed.
"Cat?" I heard my name from my mother, who was calling me from the other room.
I cleared my throat, and sniffed, struggling to find my voice. "Yes?"
A crack.
It almost showed, but I knew she wouldn't pick it up, as sometimes my voice cracks if I stayed silent for long.
"Remember to close the doors before coming to sleep. And did you warm the leftover rice?" I sat upright from the floor, and turned to lean my back on the couch behind me.
I toon deep breaths in, as my shoulder began shaking due to my effort to take in oxygen, but this seemed futile.
"Yes" I whispered, but I made sure it was loud enough for her to hear. I knew I didn't have the strength to repeat anything, when my soul seemed to be dead.
Nothing.
I didn't hear anything else, only shuffling of feet and closing of the door and I knew she had gone to sleep.
I sat there, my mind blank but I knew and I felt my heart bleed.
Time felt constant, but I came alive when I saw the faint brightness of the sky notifying me that it was soon dawn.
I crawled on all fours to my room, and the untouched bed felt colder than it usually did on nights I stayed up late, studying.
Slowly and almost unwillingly, my eyes danced to the tunes sleep played.
****
"Catherine!"
I jolted awake, my brain going into overdrive as I scanned the entire room. I slowly moved from my bed and went to meet my mother, only to see her already dressed and ready to leave.
"Come and lock the door" She told me, spraying her perfume on her neck, holding her bag, and with that she left, closing the door behind me.
The entire house echoed as I was the only one at home. My sister, was out of the state for university, and I was here alone.
I sat there, and picked up my phone, the ache from last night echoing louder in the now emptying house, as I opened my messaging app.
My fingers shook over his name–Xandon, the icon beckoned on me to open it, but my heart hid behind the tears from last night.
Tears once again filled my eyes, and my hands began trembling. I sat on the floor, my chest not having the capacity to handle the wound he gave me, I screamed, pulling at my hair.
This wasn't the first time his actions hurt me, but I couldn't bring myself to even tell him when he wasn't my boyfriend.
I knew at the back of my mind that he was only my best friend but the way he looked at me back in high school, the way he hugged me made me feel something more–something that i shouldn't.
A knock sounded on the door pulling me out of my head, and I looked to see Jase there. I slowly opened the door for him, after cleaning my face of my tears stain.
"Catherine. Hi" I smiled, while he sat close to me, his skin close to me. I felt the heat of his skin going way deeper, and I found myself leaning into him.
"What do you want?" I felt myself distant and drained, as I closed my eyes like I was sleepy. He came closer to me.
Another relationship that I shouldn't have dragged on, but I loved the way he kissed me, the way he held and touched me, but he wasn't giving me the same nakedness I felt with Xandon.
Suddenly I felt my head being pulled into a kiss. Wet, slow and almost unsure, he kissed me, as his hand went under my big shirt, and he grabbed on my naked breast.
He grabbed on my thigh and pulled me closer to him, as he settled in-between my legs. The kiss soon turned hungry, but I didn't back down, as I kissed him back with the same vigour.
"Stop" I whispered, but my waist gravitated towards him, almost rubbing against his hard member. I heard him groan, as he tilted his head and buried his neck in mine, kissing and nibbling.
Almost suddenly a moan fell from my lips, but I didn't know if it was from the intensity or the hunger that I slowly felt beginning to rise in me.
But whatever it was, it felt empty but heavy at the same time.
"Stop" I groaned again, fighting against him. I beat against his chest while also arching my body to him.
"Why? Don't fight it" His voice came out low and almost absentmindedly. I almost laughed, seeing the way he didn't look up from my neck.
I smiled at the thought of making a guy like Jase–one with high self control, now lost on my skin, on my body.
But as much as this seemed to make me smile, I suddenly felt self-conscious on the thought that Xandon didn't find me this attractive.
I looked at him, his eyes heavy with arousal as they rested on me, and I felt his heightened heartbeat, and intense but shallow breathing.
"Stop. I'm not fighting anything" I didn't know what it was but I knew for a fact that my body reacted to his in ways that it hadn't reacted before, at least not this shameless.
But I felt a lock on me, like a string that pulled me away from him.
I pushed him off me successfully and I'm glad that he didn't fight me.
The silence grew with both of us in our worlds, but I felt him glancing at me, like he was meaning to say something but just like me, was being pulled by a string.
"Do you want me to leave?" His voice almost didn't get registered but I managed to get the last word before it slipped.
"Yes" I whispered, without looking at him. He slowly nodded his head, smacked his lips together and left.
I sat there, looking into space, and I felt the indismissable cues that led to something I knew all too well.
Lethargy
And immediately, I knew that maybe I gave more than my heart to someone who I knew deep down he would never look at me the same but somewhere deep within me I had hoped for it to happen.
And maybe that hope is what ached more.