Anna cried, which I guess should have been a good sign that I wasn't quite the piece of shit I thought I was. That I had made a positive impact on someone in my short time as Chloe.
Or that she was just a really nice person and it wasn't about me at all.
I ran a hand through my hair and faked a smile. Feeling more than a little like crying myself.
"Kevin should be here soon," I said, trying to break the awkward silence that fallen between us. "Then, we can figure out a plan."
"Tomorrow." Anna brushed at her eyes and lifted her phone. "I'll keep trying to find an address. I have a couple of friends who might be able to help with that. I need to talk to the circle elders too."
It wasn't really my place to ask about her witchy business so I didn't, which irritated me because when I had been in my own body, I would have. Which meant I had either changed more than I'd realised, absorbing more of Chloe, or I'd become a better person.
I was pretty sure it was the former, not the latter.
The sound of an engine on the quiet street outside had me rising. "That'll be him."
"Okay." She rose too, and after a moment's hesitation, leaned in and wrapped me in a tight embrace. "You don't have to do this."
"I'm not her," I whispered. "It's not right to fool everyone like this."
Anna looked away as she released me and I took a step back, hand brushing across her eyes. I tried to smile, to lighten the mood, but it came out forced. "Hey, we have a few days left at least, and you never know, these demons might get me first anyway."
She just shook her head and with one final hug, I was out the door and heading towards the car as Kevin was getting out. "We not staying?"
"No, home now."
"Oh."
We drove in silence for a while. Wind drove the rain against the windscreen forcing him to slow, hunching over the wheel as he peered out through the glass. I just watched the rain fall amongst the bright lights of the houses as we passed.
They looked warm and inviting. Houses full of people who loved one another. Families and friends. A world I had never really known existed growing up as I had. The sort of life I had never known I yearned for until I experienced it for the last few days.
With my head resting against the headrest as I stared out the window, I was so lost in thought that I didn't hear him at first and he had to repeat the question.
"Did I do something wrong?"
I turned to look his way. He kept glancing at me, though most of his focus remained on the road and driving safely. A real boy scout. I would have laughed at him once and called him the kind of slurs that just felt wrong to me now.
"No." I smoothed my skirt absently. It was weird how used I'd become to wearing it in just a short time. "I'm just feeling a bit down, is all. Been a rough few days."
"Maybe we should get you checked out by your doctor." The concern in his voice was touching, but unnecessary. I was pretty sure there was nothing a doctor could do for me. "You were in a coma not that long ago."
"Babe," I said, smiling gently. "I appreciate the concern, but I'm okay. I just need some sleep."
He looked doubtful but clamped his mouth shut and didn't voice his concerns. Instead he just kept a careful eye on me as we made our way back into the city. By the time he pulled into the driveway of the parent's house, I had to stifle a yawn.
"You want me to come in?"
Yes.
I wanted him to come in and just hold me as I lay on the bed and fell to sleep. I wanted that connection with someone who cared about me. And, just for a short time, I could pretend that it was me being cared about, not Chloe.
But that wouldn't be fair to him and would likely make me feel worse. Would definitely make it harder for me to leave when the time came. So instead, I hesitated for just a moment as I took off my seatbelt and then leaned in to kiss him, all too briefly.
"Not tonight," I said, voice low as I tried to hide my sorrow. "Can you come around tomorrow? We have plans to make."
"Sure, babe." His furrowed brow told me he was worried, but he cared enough to let me make my own choices. "I can take the day off work."
"No. Meet me at the community centre when you're done."
With a final smile, I slipped out of the car and gave a wave as I closed the door. He watched me as I walked to the front door, gravel crunching beneath my feet, and didn't leave until I went inside and closed the door behind me.
Alan and Nicole were in the living room, sitting on the couch together. Alan, with his arm resting along the back of the cushion, while Nicole was curled up beside him, her head resting in the crook of his arm as they watched some old movie.
"Hello, love. Good day?"
"Yeah, was fine."
"You want a drink or something to eat?" Nicole was half out of her seat before I waved her back. I wasn't hungry. "I'm good, but thanks."
"Films just started if you want to watch." Alan lifted the remote, pausing it as he looked expectantly at me.
It was tempting. So very tempting. But I had a lot of thinking to do before sleep and if I was honest with myself. An evening spent feeling like I was part of their family was the last thing I needed.
No.
I needed distance now, to make it easier. A few days. Then they would be forced to mourn their daughter for a second time and if I spent time with them now, they would mourn all the harder wondering if there was something they could have done.
"Night," I said, and left them there. As I headed up the stairs, the sound of the movie followed me and I smiled.
Changing into my pyjamas, I tossed my clothes onto the chair beside the window. They'd just been washed, and I was sure they'd be fine for another day. Then I climbed into bed and pulled my phone from my purse.
A few messages from friends of Chloe's. All gossip and references to things I didn't understand. I ignored them and skipped to the ones I could.
One from Kevin checking I was okay.
A quick reply to let him know that I was and would be going to sleep. That I'd message him tomorrow.
Annas was telling me she's spoken to her friends and was confident she'd have an address by the morning.
My gaze found the knife sitting on the bedside table as though it belonged there. It was ugly and dark, sucking in all joy.
Definitely made out of me, then.
My head fell back against the pillow as I let my phone drop and I stared at the ceiling, thoughts jumping from one memory to the next as I looked back through my life and tried to figure out what I had done that was so very bad. That was enough to send me to hell.
I'd never killed anyone. Not until those demons anyway.
Despite my lack of care for the feelings of my girlfriends and few sexual partners, they had all been enthusiastically willing. I'd never had any desire to force myself on someone or even coerce them into something they didn't want to do.
That just wasn't my thing.
There was some drug taking. Okay, more than some, but it wasn't exactly the hardcore stuff. If smoking weed or taking some MDMA at a party got you sent to hell, the people who lived through the 80s and 90s were in for a rough time.
I'd stolen cars, and the occasional bit of cash. Had a fair few fights, and some of that could have been called bullying, but I was no worse than any other kid in the schools I'd attended. Those I'd fought had given as good as they got.
So, why the heck, was I sentenced to Hell?
It didn't seem fair.
But then, life never was. Was it?
If it was, I wouldn't have had an absentee father, and a mother who was happy to spend each day half-cut and ignore the way her partners beat on her kid.
No. It had to be something else.
For the life of me, though. I couldn't figure out what and it was a long and frustrating time before I managed to finally sleep.
When I did sleep, it was rough and unrefreshing, and I awoke feeling every ache from the fight yesterday. In the bathroom mirror, a ghoul looked back at me, all pale skin and heavy black bags beneath my eyes that no amount of makeup could erase.
A hot shower, where I stood beneath the just shy of scalding water, feeling it sting my skin, helped a little and I dressed before gathering my phone and purse and heading downstairs.
Nicole had breakfast on the table, and she insisted I sit before I went anywhere. In no mood to argue, I did as she instructed and nibbled on the corner of a piece of toast as she pressed the back of her hand to my forehead.
"What're you doing?"
"You don't look well."
"I'm fine." Though my snappish tone revealed that to be a lie. "Really. I just didn't sleep well."
"Did you fight with Kevin again?"
No idea what she meant by 'again' but I shook my head anyway. "No, we're good. Just a crappy night."
"If, you're sure."
I was.
Another bite of the toast and I set it down. I wasn't hungry at all.
"We're worried about you, you know?"
"Yah, I know." I forced a smile that didn't fool her, and she leaned back against the counter, cradling her mug.
"You can talk to me."
"I know!" That came out sharper than I intended, and I tried to modulate my tone. "I know, mum. It's fine. I'm all good."
Just getting ready to fight two demons and find their boss, then hopefully defeat him so I could die.
Nothing to be stressed or upset about.
Nope. No siree.
"Are you seeing, Kevin tonight?"
"He's coming to see me after work."
"Aw, that's good." She sipped her coffee. "He was so good while you were ill. Visiting you nearly every day."
Great. Just what I needed. More reason to think he was a great guy.
"After you hit your head, he was the one who phoned for an ambulance and rode with you to the hospital." She smiled fondly. "He called me from there. Such a responsible, boy."
"Yeah, he's great, mum."
Which is why my stomach was so twisted. At least when I was back to being me, even in ghost form, these feelings would fade.
They had to.
The only reason I had them was because they were Chloe's feelings, I was sure.
"Glad you made up anyway."
I frowned at that, head tilting towards her. "What do you mean?"
"Well," she said. "You were breaking up with him."
"I was?"
Nicole smile and set her mug down before gathering my half-eaten toast to clear it away as it was clear I'd finished with it.
"That's what you told me. You don't remember?"
I shook my head slowly. What did that mean?
"Yes, you said that you liked him but not enough to do long distance when you went off to Cambridge."
Liked him.
He was someone she liked and was going to break up with for the sake of convenience.
If that was true… then whose feelings were these?