The real Vikings were legends. Monsters in human skin. The mere silhouette of their dragon-headed ships on the horizon sent entire coastal villages into panic. People would drop everything, scoop up their children, and sprint for the hills, praying they'd left nothing valuable enough to die for.
So why the hell were these Clearwater villagers staring at Hunter and his "fearsome bandit crew" like they were watching a community theater production of Robin Hood: The Budget Edition?
One old farmer actually laughed. Pointed at Tao's attempted "menacing stance" and laughed so hard he started coughing.
A kid, couldn't have been more than seven, tugged his mother's sleeve and asked, "Mama, why is that man holding his sword backwards?"
Hunter wanted to die. Actually, literally die. Just cease existing right there in the village square.
How? How did we mess this up so badly?
Through his spiritual sense, he felt his three "elite bandits" radiating pure mortification. Tao's heartbeat was through the roof. Lex looked ready to cry. Xuan had apparently forgotten he was supposed to be intimidating and was now just standing there, looking lost.
The village head, a portly man with a magnificent beard, stepped forward. Not with fear. With concern.
"Son, are you lost? Do you need directions somewhere?"
That's when Hunter realized the terrible truth: they didn't look like bandits. They looked like four idiots who'd gotten turned around in the woods and stumbled into civilization by accident.
Okay. How did we get here? What went wrong?
Oh right. Everything. Everything went wrong.
Let's rewind to where it all went wrong.
Yesterday: Pre-Raid Planning, or "How Three Bandits Tried Their Best and Failed Spectacularly"
Dawn broke cold and gray over the bandit camp. Hunter sat cross-legged near the fire, trying to look mysterious and powerful while his three "elite followers" huddled together planning the raid.
He'd positioned himself just far enough away to seem aloof, like a wise master letting his disciples handle the grunt work. In reality, he had no idea what he was doing and desperately hoped these actual bandits knew something about, you know, banditry.
Through his spiritual sense, he felt their nervous energy. The way Lex kept wringing his hands. How Tao's heartbeat spiked every time he opened his mouth. Xuan's constant fidgeting.
They're nervous. That's normal, right? Even experienced bandits probably get pre-raid jitters.
In Hunter's head, this is how the planning session would go:
Lex would slam his fist on a rock like a war table. "We hit them fast and hard! Swift and brutal. There's only three of us, so we can't rely on Master. He's Foundation Realm. This is beneath him. He's just here to observe our loyalty."
Tao would nod, cracking his knuckles. "I'll be the distraction. Cause chaos at the main gate. While they're focused on me, you two find the village head and take him hostage."
Xuan would mark positions in the dirt. "I'll secure the perimeter and watch our escape route. First sign of trouble, we signal and extract."
All three would clasp hands. "For the crew."
That's what Hunter expected.
Here's what actually happened.
Tao spoke first, his green eyes bright with what Hunter initially mistook for tactical brilliance.
"Okay, so here's the plan." Tao leaned forward conspiratorially. "I dress up as a traveling merchant. Real convincing-like. And then I sell them expired produce."
Hunter blinked.
"We rinse them for everything they're worth." Tao sat back, arms crossed, looking incredibly pleased with himself.
Wait. What?
"Expired produce?" Lex asked slowly.
"Yeah! Like, really expired. Stuff that's about to go bad anyway. They won't know until we're long gone." Tao grinned. "Classic con."
Hunter's eye twitched. That's not a raid. That's fraud. Very small-scale fraud.
Before he could process this, Xuan's face lit up like he'd just solved world hunger.
"Oh! Oh, I've got one!" Xuan practically bounced. "Master's shoe. The one he threw away yesterday."
Hunter felt a migraine forming. Through his spiritual sense, he could pinpoint the exact location of his destroyed dress shoe. Currently being used as a nest by something with six legs.
"I bet those dumb villagers would pay at least one silver for it!" Xuan's smile was so genuine, so proud, that Hunter almost felt bad for what he was about to think.
One silver. For a destroyed shoe. That I threw away. Because it was literally falling apart.
Then Xuan's expression shifted. The smile dropped. Fear crept into his eyes and his heartbeat spiked.
Oh thank God. He realized how stupid that sounds.
Hunter felt a flicker of hope. Maybe Xuan had a functioning brain cell after all. Maybe he was about to say, "Wait, that's idiotic, here's the real plan."
"As long as Master doesn't mind me selling his trash." Xuan said it with such sincere worry that Hunter wanted to cry.
Hunter pressed his palm against his face so hard he saw spots.
Are they this stupid, or are they... special? Like, yellow-helmet-at-recess special?
He looked at Lex. The oldest of the three. The one who'd introduced himself first. The one who seemed to have at least two brain cells to rub together.
Come on, Lex. You have to be the smart one. You just have to be.
Lex noticed Hunter staring. He straightened up, clearing his throat with the gravity of someone about to deliver the Gettysburg Address.
Yes. Here it comes. The real plan.
"Master." Lex's voice was reverent. "I have an even better idea. And it's foolproof."
Foolproof. Good. We need foolproof.
"We infiltrate the village." Lex paused for dramatic effect.
Okay. Infiltration. That's actual bandit strategy.
"We get jobs there."
Hunter's hope flickered.
"Any jobs. Doesn't matter what exactly. We just need to get inside, work every day, and earn their trust." Lex looked at Hunter carefully, checking if he should continue.
Wait. This might actually work. Get close to them, learn their routines, find out where they keep valuables...
Hunter nodded slightly, a smile creeping onto his face. "And then what?"
Lex's face lit up like Hunter had just called him the best student in class.
"And then," Lex said, his voice rising with excitement, "when we have their complete trust, this is where we strike. This is the beautiful part, Master. They pay us directly. Week after week. Month after month. They won't even know they're getting robbed!"
Hunter's smile froze.
No. No, he's not...
"And then, thirty years later, we walk out of the village like nothing ever happened!"
Lex finished with the biggest, most satisfied grin Hunter had ever seen. Like he'd just invented fire.
Tao and Xuan nodded enthusiastically.
"That's genius!" Tao whispered.
"Master's going to be so impressed!" Xuan added.
Hunter sat there, processing. His spiritual sense picked up their genuine excitement, their racing hearts, their absolute conviction that this was a brilliant plan.
Thirty years.
Getting paid for work.
They'd just described a job.
"MOTHER FLOGGING..." Hunter caught himself before the full curse escaped. He took a deep breath. Then another. "That's a JOB! You just described having a JOB!"
All three bandits stared at him blankly.
"But Master," Lex said slowly, like explaining arithmetic to a child, "they're giving us money. For years. Without knowing we're bandits."
"BECAUSE WE WOULDN'T BE BANDITS ANYMORE! WE'D BE EMPLOYEES!"
"Employed bandits," Xuan corrected helpfully.
Hunter stood up so fast he scared a bird out of a nearby tree. He paced, hands in his hair, trying to find words that wouldn't come.
These were the worst bandits in history. Possibly in any universe. These men had somehow survived in a world where the strong ate the weak by being so catastrophically incompetent that even other bandits probably didn't see them as threats.
Their old leader was probably the only thing keeping them alive. And I killed him. With a boulder. By accident.
"Okay." Hunter forced his voice to stay level. "New plan. Here's what we're actually going to do."
All three snapped to attention, eager to hear Master's wisdom.
I can't believe I'm about to plan an actual raid. I wrote insurance policies six days ago. My biggest decision was which microwave meal to eat. And now I'm...
He looked at their expectant faces. Felt their heartbeats through his spiritual sense. They were terrified of him, bound to him by a soul seal, and completely, utterly dependent on whatever he said next.
What am I doing? What have I become?
But he couldn't stop now. The system wouldn't let him. The situation wouldn't let him.
Hunter took a breath and started talking. Each word felt like pulling teeth, but he forced them out anyway.
"Tao." He pointed at the muscular redhead. "You infiltrate first. Get into the village, scope it out, then set fire to a couple buildings near the center. Not homes. Storage sheds, maybe a barn. Something that'll burn slow and make a lot of smoke."
Tao's eyes went wide. Actual fear crossed his face, quickly replaced by shaky determination. "Yes, Master."
Good. He should be scared. This is actual banditry now, not expired vegetable schemes.
"While the men are busy fighting the fire, panicking, running around with buckets." Hunter turned to Lex and Xuan. "You two move in. Round up the elderly, women, and children. Get them together in one place. The village square, probably. Somewhere visible."
Through his spiritual sense, he felt Lex's heartbeat spike. The man's hands were trembling slightly.
"Don't hurt them." Hunter added that part quickly, maybe too quickly. "Just... herd them. Make them think you will if they don't comply. Fear is enough."
Is fear enough? Am I lying to them or to myself?
"Tao, once they're gathered, you keep eyes on the men. If anyone tries to play hero, if anyone even looks like they're thinking about fighting back, you signal. Three short whistles."
"And then?" Xuan asked, voice small.
"And then the men will notice what we've done." Hunter met each of their eyes in turn. "They'll see their families grouped together. They'll see the three of you. They'll see me."
He let that hang in the air. Through his spiritual sense, he felt the moment they understood. The moment the reality of what they were about to do actually sank in.
"They'll surrender without us spilling blood." Hunter said it like a fact, not a hope. "Because if they're smart, they'll realize fighting back means risking the people they love. And no grain or silver is worth that."
Please let them be smart. Please let this work. Please don't make me...
He couldn't finish that thought.
"Do you understand?" He arched his eyebrows, adding just enough edge to his voice to sound confident instead of fear.
All three nodded in unison. "Yes, Master!" They sounded almost relieved, like they were grateful someone else was making the decisions.
Of course they are.
Hunter's head throbbed.
"Good. I need to rest for a bit." He turned and walked toward his chamber before they could ask questions.
Inside the cave, Hunter sat on the thin mat and pressed his palms against his temples.
My head is killing me. Why is my head killing me? I didn't think cultivators got headaches. Isn't that the whole point of superhuman bodies?
[SYSTEM] OH THAT'S PROBABLY STRESS [SYSTEM] CULTIVATION FIXES PHYSICAL PROBLEMS BUT PSYCHOLOGICAL ONES? YEAH, YOU'RE STILL HUMAN ENOUGH FOR THOSE (︶︹︺)
"Thanks. Super helpful." Hunter muttered.
[SYSTEM] YOU'RE WELCOME! [SYSTEM] BTW GOOD PLAN BACK THERE [SYSTEM] MINIMAL VIOLENCE, PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE, HOSTAGE SITUATION WITHOUT TECHNICALLY TAKING HOSTAGES [SYSTEM] VERY EFFICIENT ♪(´▽｀)
"Stop congratulating me for planning a raid on innocent people."
[SYSTEM] INNOCENT IS A STRONG WORD [SYSTEM] THEY'RE NPCS IN YOUR LEVELING JOURNEY ¯_(ツ)_/¯
"They're people." Hunter's voice came out sharper than intended. "They have lives. Families. They're probably just like my landlord, just trying to make rent and keep food on the table."
[SYSTEM] ... YOU'RE TAKING THIS VERY PERSONALLY. THAT'S GONNA MAKE THINGS HARDER, YOU KNOW
"Maybe that's a good thing." Hunter laid back on the mat, staring at the glowstone veins in the ceiling. "It should be hard..."
[SYSTEM] BUT YOU'RE STILL DOING IT
That was the worst part. The System was right.
He was still doing it.
Because what choice did he have? Refuse and sit here? Run away into the forest and get eaten by whatever that centipede-wolf thing was?
I really hope they don't screw this up. I really don't want to have to hurt anyone.
But even as he thought it, he knew the truth. If it came down to survival, his or theirs, he'd choose his. That's what people did. That's what he'd already done when he'd shoved that sword through the bandit leader.
The old Hunter, the insurance adjuster who argued about super hero was best, would have been horrified.
This Hunter, the one with a spirit root and a dantian and the ability to sense someone taking a dump from four hundred meters away, was just tired.
When did I stop being Hunter and start being... whatever this is?
His head pounded harder.
Outside, through his spiritual sense, he felt the three bandits preparing. Tao was practicing sneaking, which mostly consisted of him tiptoeing dramatically and occasionally running into trees. Xuan was sharpening a knife that didn't need sharpening, just for something to do with his hands. Lex sat by the fire, staring into the flames, with a blank look on his face.
They're scared too. Maybe more scared than me. At least I have power. They're just mortals.
Another wave of guilt crashed over him, mixing with the headache until he couldn't tell which was causing more pain.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow we raid a village. Tomorrow I become an actual bandit.
Hunter closed his eyes and tried to ignore the countdown in his head.
Tried to ignore the fact that with every choice, every compromise, every rationalization, he was becoming exactly what the System wanted him to be. A bandit.
And the worst part?
He didn't know how to stop.