Love.. it's used so easily to describe one's feelings or emotions, but what does it turly mean when faces in different situations.
What is love you say, even I wouldn't be able to fully comprehend the meaning of such word. I grew up believing in all the fantasy you could ever imagine, the stories, the books, the movies. I've seen and read them all. Hoping of one day having my own happily ever after. But I'm still single and my heart is slowly rejecting the idea of ever wanting to find whatever you may call love.
I see my friends and close ones all cherishing the ones they care and hold ever so dear that they call their love.. oh how I wish that was possible for me too. I sometimes always wonder if maybe I am the problem?.
Is it because I care too much, that I place others happiness before my own? Pleasing them as I think negatively on myself.. I'm I not pretty enough.. should I starve myself to fit the standards? Should I talk more aggressive, sexy? be more appealing show more skin, wear less?? Will I then grab their attention.. but that wouldn't be me.. I'm shy! I get nervous around guys, Im constantly hiding my true feelings in fear of getting hurt/ rejected and used I don't want any of that. I know I'm not as pretty as most of my friends or fitted it's not that I'm jealous or envious of them I truly value my friendship I love and cherish my love for them as my friend as for loving in a romantic way.. it's like a haze it's so unclear, I can't predict the outcome cause not everyones the thinks the same , it's not like we can read each other's minds, if that was the case everything would be so much easier.. I grew up believing the magic and wonders of being in love. Wanting to be loved and cherished like the characters in the books or films.. I sometimes wonder maybe because I dreamt to big. I sometimes fear that maybe my eyes are covered within a fog lost in a mist that's filled with lies and deception on how the real world really is. I hopeless believe that there's good in everyone, but that's far from the truth and maybe that's why my thoughts of love is slowly beginning to fade away. The once love I held so dear and hope to one day have is now becoming so out of reach. It's funny how I crave for love, when my own childhood wasn't even filled with much, is that why I cling onto the word love so much? The thought of finally being accepted or the feeling of being wanted and catered too, is that really too much to ask? I always wondered how a motherly love truly felt without the harsh tone or backhanded compliments, having a father who actually care to be in your life not for the rumoring talks or money, real honest friendship where I can be myself and not have to fake it, being able to express myself however I wanted.. without the beating and the bruises, but true unconditional love, without the fear of not being able to speak my mind, the constant pressure, the weighted expectation, the endless suffocation, the overwhelming breakdown… the slient nights, wishing and hoping that it'll all end. That many if I'm really gone it would all be okay, but I hoped, I wished it was all a dream and that one day my very own Prince Charming would come and steal me away.. but of course those are all fantasy.. I wanted to believe, believe in the magic.. but reality has a way of beating you down. The people that I believed to be so good became so evil and cruel the outside world that I thought to be so magical was far beyond that, as I grew older I saw humanity for the way it truly is. Not everyone is truly so kind or filled with warmth. No one genuinely cares for each other , it's just constant fighting and bickering the world I imagine when I was little started to shatter as I saw it for how it truly is. When people say they love another, nowadays it's filled with so much lies, cheats and manipulation. How can I fall in love.. truly love, give my heart out to another, when the world I thought was so good is really so evil… how should I? How do I find the one to make me believe again and the true meaning of love? Genuine love. Being able to understand someone for more than what is shown out but deep within. To be able to express, appreciate and understand one another . How do you love when your afraid to be broken? How do you love when you've poured your whole heart out just for it to be shattered in pieces? How do you love when you never really been taught the meaning of love? How do you love when you don't know where to even start? What is love?
Should I even love.. or should I begin to hate the word love, the fantasy of it all. The lies I grew to believe the narrative I was thought to believe is love.