Felix:
People don't realize this about doctors, but we are not machines without emotions or baggage. Every patient you lose leaves a scar on your soul that is not seen by anyone. It blackens your soul without any possibility of light. Every patient that dies is a life lost in your hands. Someone's father or brother or husband or son you couldn't save. Someone's whole life gets turned upside down and people expect doctors will not be affected by this.
Maybe some of us are hardened by time and experiences, but not everyone. Not me. Especially not today. After I had just lost a twenty-something-year-old boy who arrived after a roadside accident. His pregnant girlfriend was waiting for him at her favorite restaurant he had booked on their anniversary and was going to propose.
How do I know that? Because I had to break the news to her that when he was brought in he had lost too much blood. That we tried everything we could. And she broke down right in front of me repeating all that. That she found the ring in his belongings that were handed over to her. How they were going to find out the gender of the baby and name it together.
I had tried to comfort her, but it was out of my hands. I called for the professional trauma-informed support specialist who would help her process the news and left.
I had come here straight but the sound of laughter and music around me was bothering me in ways I could not name.
Usually, after a loss of a patient, one or two drinks would be enough, and I'd be able to separate the emotions from my daily routine and get back in control. Today it was harder than usual.
I was already on my fourth drink and all I could see was the hopelessness in that woman's eyes. It was the same look I had seen on my mother's face after my dad's passing.
Anyone's grief has a way of mirroring your own, and there's no expiry date for when you start feeling better after you lose someone like that. No time limit to when you'll move forward without thinking about that person. This is the kind of loss you can't share with anyone.
Anyone listening would say, it's been two years, or you're a grown man, you need to move on. But age has nothing to do with how you process the loss of your parent, your best friend, your idol.
I was still nursing my drink when I caught that same feeling from the orientation day. Someone was looking at me.
I looked up and there she was... in a plain black t-shirt and jeans with her hair, the most beautiful shade of brown, down her back. Her forest green eyes caught mine and there it was again. That pull.
Every noise around me and inside me quieted down. There was just her and me.
I forgot about the patient I had lost, forgot my grief over the loss of my father. The weight of all the expectations and responsibility lifted off my shoulders, in just one gaze. And mine had already lingered too long, than was appropriate.
I looked away first, downing my drink. I was only hyper-aware of her presence. I couldn't focus on anything, didn't even notice when Ethan Calloway took the seat next to me. Not even when he ordered himself a drink.
His voice broke my trance,
"She is an intern, I'm her attending. Stop staring at her before I report you to the HR for harassment. What has that poor soul done to you?"
He was only kidding. I knew that, I knew him better than anyone, but his statement about us being worlds apart doused the fire burning inside me.
I had lost control over myself like that for the second time in two weeks. What was it about this girl that forced me to let go of my usual walls?
I felt bare when she looked at me. Though it had been brief, it was enough to scare me off.
I responded with a flat tone,
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yeah, right," he didn't buy it,
"What is going on here? Is there something going on? It was her on the orientation day, wasn't it?"
He looked at me after thanking the bartender for his drink.
"She had you all rattled like a deer caught in headlights. Do you two have any history I should know about?"
"What nonsense are you talking about? There is no history, there never will be. Like you said, she's an intern."
"Good, because she is under my supervision, and she's got great potential to be a good doctor one day. She is hardworking. I'd hate for her to leave the program. You rarely get to train good doctors these days," he said, shaking his head.
"What makes you say that she'd leave if something were to happen? I could be fired if a report for inappropriate behavior was made on her end, hypothetically speaking." The whiskey had finally kicked in, making my tongue loose. Otherwise, not in a million years would I have admitted the possibility of something.
"Come on now. Who are you kidding with that bullshit?" he tutted, and continued,
"Me or yourself? Because, my friend, you own the place, and you're the golden child everyone loves and the star attending everyone worships. You could do no wrong."
I didn't answer that. I didn't need to. I knew he was right.
He took a sip and looked at me, his tone turning serious,
"Look, I usually don't interfere with your personal conquests. God knows I have wanted to, but I never did. And if the look on your face is anything to go by, that's exactly where this will be heading. But it's different this time; she's not from our world. She doesn't know what burdens come with it. She would expect someone to reciprocate her and you, my friend, are not the type. So I'd hate to see that happen. She is a good intern and, you know, I don't say that about many."
He ordered another round for us, and finished with, "As your oldest friend and ally, I'm asking you to back off. Anya Briar is a good girl. Too good for assholes like us."
I wanted to refute him, argue with him, but I knew he was right. The reason I could not look away was exactly that: She was a breath of fresh air in a stifling basement that was my life.
I just nodded, finishing my drink. Ethan changed the topic to the next faculty meeting in two days. But my mind was still on her.
Anya Briar.
An intern at my hospital.
And despite knowing all too well, I knew it'd be impossible not to look at her, not seeing her gaze leave me stripped bare, like she could see past all my defenses.
And I knew at that moment if I didn't get a hold of myself soon, I was truly fucked.....