Zaylknork blankly stared at Leonard. The poor man still had his butt raised up to the sky. It specially reminded him of a webcomic he read about an estate developer.
Zaylknork groaned out loud, taking off his grand cape as he threw it into the room behind them.
"You're not going to be jobless, Leonard. Don't you find the life of being a villain's sidekick... tiring? Won't it be nice to not receive threat letters from the villagers?"
Leonard raised his tear-stained eyes. His glasses crooked until he straightened it back to place.
"Well... Never once had those threat messages had an impact to you, my lord. And, being your sidekick is my only purpose in life. Without you, I am nothing but a mere background character." He then lowered his gaze.
Oh. Zaylknork eyes widened a fraction. Are they self-aware they're characters in a book?
He placed his arm on his chin thoughtfully. Well, that makes sense because they know that I'm the villain, minion 1 and 2 don't even have a face... so does the followers outside.
And again, if I do retire, where would they go? Might as well be...
Farmers!
No one said I can't pursue my dream of being a wine maker in another world!
Leonard gazed up again. Usually, Zaylknork should have kicked him out of his sight by now, but the tyrant lord before him looked... lost. And deep in thoughts too, as if considering his people.
But what Zaylknork said next literally broke his glasses into half.
"You'll be farmers."
'What in the crustacean vile words did master just spill out of his Divine mouth?!' Leonard thought.
"F-farmers?" He repeated.
Zaylknork nodded, his eyes twinkling. "Yes. Farmers."
"B-but villain duties. You can't juggle them with farming." Leonard voice was stiff.
"That's the point. I'm quitting. I want to be good for now. You know, put the villain era down for a while and do something more... relaxing."
Leonard stared at him in disbelief.
Unbeknownst to them, every single follower below them had been listening. They leaned in, pretending to clean as usual or sharpen weapons, whispering among themselves.
"Farming does sounds nice." A female commented.
"Yeah, I'm tired of stealing food all the time." Minion 2 groaned, cleaning his knife with a white fabric
"But we don't even have a farm." Minion 1 responded.
"Doesn't matter. I can milk a goat."
"You can't even hold a sword right."
"That's why I'll milk it gently."
Their chatter grew into a loud murmur. For once, no one was talking about raids or curses, or another blood ritual.
They were arguing about crops.
Zaylknork turned to them, arms wide, cloak still on the floor. Their eyes—every one of them—twinkled with stupid excitement.
He faced Leonard again. "I know you love planting potatoes. We'll start there and the day of being villains stops."
Leonard froze. A thousand responses ran through his mind, but only one escaped.
"…Potatoes?"
Zaylknork nodded firmly. "Yes. Potatoes."
Ho-jin had always paid special attention to Leonard's character. The stuff man had a stupid obsession with potatoes which was super cringe to read when Leonard geek about how awesome potatoes are.
However, he had cried and took a day off work when Leonard died in the novel. Something stung his chest.
Yes, he must avoid the life of a villain if he wants a peaceful life for his favorite character. And also if he wanted to keep his life in this world.
Leonard sighed. Then smiled. "Well, the wine you make still tastes terrible. It's high time we work on that. Maybe stepping down as a villain won't be so bad after all."
Wait. Zaylknork makes terrible wine?!
Leonard looked down at his broken glasses, adjusting them out of habit even though they hung useless.
Somewhere deep inside, he was just happy he'd finally get to plant potatoes without anyone screaming in terror.
---
A few hours later.
Zaylknork regretted his decision of retirement.
He blinked at the faint light bleeding through the high windows of his tower. A stack of parchment was sitting beside him — taller than his thigh.
Leonard stood there, posture perfect, voice calm. "My Lord, I've prepared the full outline for your moral reformation."
Zaylknork stared at the papers. "My what, now?"
Leonard smiled faintly, like a teacher presenting a project. "Your redemption campaign. If we are to prove your retirement is genuine, we must file evidence. I have drawn up a schedule — one good deed per day. Here's your 'Apology Draft to the Queen,' a list of charities, and the documentation for public service."
Ho-jin blinked. "Public service?"
"Yes, my Lord. We'll start with soup kitchens. Then moral realignment training. If you need the Queen's signature for the retirement, you need proof."
He rubbed his temples, reaching for one of the parchments and scanned it.
The handwriting was beautiful. The title read: Villain Rehabilitation Plan, Phase One. Under it were tasks written in red ink — Smile at disciples, feed orphans, reduce screaming incidents to once per week.
He lowered the paper slowly. "Leonard, isn't this a bit too much? I didn't know you're that much into potatoes."
Leonard's tone didn't change. "No, my lord. Reputation management requires discipline."
Zaylknork leaned back in the throne. His head ached.
Minion 1 and Minion 2 stood by the pillars, nodding solemnly while pretending to take notes. One of them muttered, "My Lord, do we also smile? Or is that reserved for higher ranks?"
He almost threw his goblet at them.
Leonard cleared his throat. "The good deeds shall improve morale. I've even included a hymn of repentance for the morning meetings."
"A hymn?"
Leonard nodded enthusiastically.
Ho-jin exhaled, dragging a hand down his face. "Fine. Whatever. We'll try to reform. I'll get the Queen's signature, and then I'm done. I'll retire for real."
Leonard's eyes brightened. "Understood, my Lord." He clapped once. "Prepare the supplies! We travel to Eldeloria!"
Before Zaylknork could say anything, the tower began to tremble. The floor vibrated and dust rained from the ceiling.
Leonard's head snapped up. "Intruder."
A voice bellowed from below.
"ZAYLKNORK! YOUR REIGN ENDS TODAY!"
The chanting outside turned to panic as doors slammed. Minions screamed and scattered like chickens.
What's the point of having minions if they can't even fight?!
Zaylknork blinked at the ceiling. "What is it again?"
Leonard rushed to the balcony. "The Hero has arrived!"
"W-what?! Why's he here now?! There's still 30 more days for the Blood Moon stupid fights! Why's he here now? I can't stand those mortifications. He is insane!"
Again, Ho-jin cringed. Why do I sound like I have too much beer? Does the villain always talked like this???
The gates burst open with a blast of white light. The Hero stood framed by it, sword glowing, armor shining, eyes full of righteous stupidity.
Zaylknork raised his hands. "Peace. I'm retired. Go fight some other villains."
The Hero pointed his sword. "Lies! The tongue of evil deceives even in surrender!"
"I literally said I quit."
"Silence, fiend!"
Zaylknork turned to Leonard. "Does he not understand words?"
Leonard's voice was grim, staring at the hero in disgust. "He's narratively immune to reason, my Lord."
The Hero charged. A beam of light hit a column and blew it apart. Zaylknork ducked behind his throne. "This is exactly why I want to quit!"
Leonard pulled him by the sleeve. "This way!"
The two sprinted through a back corridor. Cultists tried to cast spells but ended up setting their robes on fire. Someone shouted about protecting the wine supply.
By the time they reached the underground passage, Zaylknork was panting. "We're going to Eldeloria," he said between breaths. "I'll get that damned signature myself."
Leonard nodded, clutching the stack of redemption paperwork to his chest like a relic. "As you command, my Lord. But I must say, leaving your followers behind for your selfish interest is still infact, a villainous thing to do."
Zaylknork gave out a muffled cry. He slammed his hand on the underground gates. The wood splintered and instantly shattered into pieces, startling himself with such vigorous strength.
For f*ck's—goddamn—bloody—shit-eating—what the actual hell —?!