Teleporting into the tavern, Lance appeared in the same spot he'd been drinking at earlier.
Now broken tables and torn banners were scattered everywhere, the place reeked of spilt rum and blood, and the floor was littered with corpses, Zoro's handiwork without a doubt. "Toei really likes to go over the top with Zoro," Lance whispered as he kicked an arm away.
Lance stepped over one of the halves of another bounty hunter without even glancing down, grabbed a half-full bottle of whiskey from the counter on his way out, and took a long swig as he stepped through the open doors.
Outside, the air was cold and fighting and explosions could be heard afar, closer than far again. Luffy and Zoro were already going at each other, their fight shaking the streets while Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine lay crumpled in the dirt nearby, both knocked out.
Lance sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose as if the whole scene was more tiring than interesting, "Yeah, yeah, timeline's fine, no reason to mess with it," he mumbled, strolling casually toward the bodies, whiskey in one hand.
He crouched down beside Mr. 5 and grabbed his revolver, spinning it lazily on his finger. The gun was surprisingly well-made: good balance, polished grip, clean barrel. "Not bad for a fraud's lackey," Lance said, smirking slightly.
Fishing a few rounds from Mr. 5's coat pocket, Lance loaded the cylinder, then stood and levelled the barrel at Mr. 5's chest, "You don't mind if I take this, do you?"
Lance then pulled the trigger twice, the gun kicked once for each shot with surprising strength, reminding Lance that even if he could alter reality, he was still a small fry; the first bullet tore through Mr. 5's heart, the second through his skull, both clean.
"Good gun," Lance simply said, holstering it into his waistband before taking another sip from the bottle.
By the time he turned around, Nami had already calmed Luffy and Zoro down; the two idiots were still glaring at each other, but not throwing punches anymore.
Alvida was leaning against a wall, a proud grin on her lips, bruised but still smug, "Kept up with both of them for a bit, Captain," she said, pushing her hair back.
Lance raised an eyebrow and walked past her with a dismissive tone, "Don't get too proud, you're still a second-class slave," he said coldly, the words making her flinch slightly, even if she didn't argue.
He turned his gaze toward Nami, who was already waiting for his orders, "Nami, take care of Miss Valentine," Lance said, motioning lazily toward the unconscious blonde sprawled across the dirt, "you know what you have to do."
Then he looked back to Alvida, pointing at Mr. 5's still body, "And you—go find where the Bomb-Bomb Fruit reappeared, should be nearby"
Without waiting for an answer, Lance turned on his heel, taking another swig of whiskey before throwing the bottle away and walking down the street, only to be stopped by a familiar princess and her giant duck.
As Vivi appeared at the edge of the road, Nami practically sprinted over to her, even as she dragged the unconscious Miss Valentine along, the blondie hanging limp over her shoulder like a doll. Nami's tits bounced wildly with every step as she called out, "Hey! You're a princess, right? That means you can sign contracts, yeah?" She said with a tone that was too casual for the situation, but the glint in her eyes screamed 'business'.
Vivi blinked in surprise as she tried to steady her breathing. "A—ah, yes, I suppose I can, but—" she began, but Nami cut her off immediately, already digging into her pocket for a pen, "Perfect! We're gonna need that royal signature soon," she said smirking.
The rest of the crew gathered on the dusty road. Zoro leaned against a wall with his swords crossed over his chest, yawning like he hadn't just turned half the town into corpses, while Luffy sat cross-legged nearby.
Usopp was nervously checking if anyone had noticed he hadn't done anything like the bum he was, as Sanji smoked quietly.
Lance was there too, sitting on a fallen crate with his legs spread lazily apart, with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and an already usual, empty, distant look on his face; his body was present, but his mind was miles away.
He looked at Vivi like someone reading subtitles for a movie they didn't care about, Alvida, meanwhile, had taken off down one of the alleys at full sprint after his last order.
Back with the group, Vivi had finally started explaining what was happening in Alabasta. The words flowed nonstop as she started explaining about Crocodile, Baroque Works, rebellion, drought, and the kingdom on the verge of collapse.
Lance didn't hear half of it as he was zoned out somewhere around the word "kingdom," his mind wandering to what he'd eat later or which position Nami hadn't tried yet.
"...and that's why I need your help to reach Alabasta before Crocodile takes full control," Vivi said, bowing her head slightly in desperation.
Lance took a long swig from the whiskey bottle, whispering under his breath, "Lord, this arc feels like filler," before leaning back against the crate, staring blankly up at the dark sky.
Then came Igaram, Mr. 8, marching up dramatically as if his hair didn't look like a clown's and he hadn't just kicked the bucket an hour ago. "Princess Vivi! We must—" he started, before realising the Straw Hats were all staring at him like he was an unwanted side quest.
"Oh, for fuck's sake," Lance mumbled, rubbing the bridge of his nose as Igaram went into a full speech about duty and loyalty. "Is this dude serious?"
While Vivi tried to calm him down, Nami wasted no time getting straight to the point, crouching beside the princess with a calculating grin, "Alright, let's talk numbers, you need help, we need money, we save your kingdom, you pay us—it's that simple."
Vivi blinked, startled by the sudden bluntness, "H-how much are we talking?" to which Nami responded, "Five hundred million berries and you'll become a temporary member of the crew," without hesitation.
"Five hundred million—?!" Vivi gasped at how cheap it would be, but had to fake surprise to hide how much money her kingdom truly had. After all, her kingdom was currently broke and on the verge of a civil war.
Before she could start yet another monologue, Lance, who'd been sitting behind Nami the whole time, reached forward and lazily grabbed a handful of her tits, kneading them absentmindedly as if to keep himself entertained while she worked, "she's the treasurer, princess," he said flatly, "if she says five hundred mil, you're lucky it's not double."
Nami smacked his hand lightly but didn't move it away, her professional smile not faltering in the slightest, even as his fingers dug into her soft flesh, "Ignore him," she said sweetly to Vivi, "he's the Captain but also a pervert. Anyway, five hundred million, upfront if possible, or after we fix your little civil war."
Vivi looked like she wanted to crawl under a rock, her face red as she nodded nervously, "A-after the kingdom is safe, of course," she stammered out.
Igaram nearly dropped his rifle as he heard that. "Princess! You mustn't— the royal family's tradition—" he began before realising Lance's cold, unblinking eyes were on him.
"Tradition?" Lance repeated with a mocking tone, trying not to laugh out loud since he was the one who made that shit up, while his hand was still lazily playing with Nami's tits, "Oh, you mean the one where Alabasta's princesses become whores of whoever saves the kingdom? Yeah, I know that one, real familiar with it."
Igaram froze completely, the colour draining from his face, and Vivi's eyes went wide as she stammered, "T-that's not—well, I mean—it's not exactly—"
Lance smirked and finally pulled his hand back, resting it on his knee, "Relax, princess, I'll wait till after we save your little desert, that is if "you" can last that long."
The conversation devolved quickly after that. Mr. 13 finished his creepy little sketches of everyone's faces, and Lance yawned every thirty seconds.
Finally, just to wrap things up, "Deal," Nami said, shaking Vivi's hand before pulling out a small piece of paper and scribbling a quick "contract" that was basically a note demanding the 500 million bounty later.
Vivi signed it without hesitation, still trying to avoid making eye contact with Lance, who was now half-lying on the crate, clearly done with existing for the day.
As Igaram's ship drifted away from the dock, the Straw Hats waved half-heartedly, everyone looking weirdly sentimental for about five seconds before the whole boat exploded into a fireball in the distance.
Vivi screamed, covering her mouth, "M-Mr. 8!"
Nami blinked, unimpressed, "Well, that was fast."
"Waste of a good man," Lance mumbled, standing and stretching his back until it popped.
The quiet moment was broken by the sound of quick, heavy footsteps and Alvida's voice echoing down the street, "Captain! I found it!"
She came into view, sweaty, panting, and grinning wide, clutching a weirdly shiny fruit shaped like a coconut with spiralling patterns, the Bomb-Bomb Fruit.
"Good girl," Lance said lazily, not even pretending to look impressed, "put it somewhere safe, we'll figure out who eats it later."
Before anyone could respond, he simply disappeared, gone in a blink with a faint hum of teleportation, while the rest of the crew just stood there for a moment in silence before Luffy yelled, "He teleported again! So cool!"
Nami rolled her eyes and sighed, "Yeah, cool. Now everyone back to the ship before something else blows up."
With Alvida still holding the fruit proudly and Vivi still processing everything, the Straw Hats ran off toward the Going Merry.
After a while of waiting, the crew finally arrived, and the Going Merry set sail once more. Lance sat perched high up on the upper railing of the deck, his back leaning against the mast, one leg hanging lazily over the edge and a bottle of rum dangling from his hand.
He stared out at the endless horizon, his mind drifting with the waves, even with all the power he had, the teleportation, the "normalcy" manipulation, and the rest of his skills and lunarian powers, he couldn't help but feel like a bum.
The One Piece world was wild and massive, filled with monsters and absurd power scaling, yet here he was, sipping stolen rum.
"The Straw Hats are kinda pathetic when you think about it," Lance mumbled to himself, throwing the cork of the bottle into the ocean.
"Post-timeskip or not, half of them would get folded by Crocodile," Lance took a long swig and exhaled a rough sigh, "Hell, Crocodile's mid-tier, and that's a stretch, fruit merchant fucker."
Individually, each Straw Hat had their specialities, of course, Luffy's strength, Zoro's swordsmanship, Sanji's fighting skill, Nami's navigation, but in terms of raw combat power, they were barely scraping by most of the arcs.
Usopp was still a bum with a slingshot up till Elbaf, and Chopper hadn't done anything since the monster point clutch in Enies Lobby.
After a moment of bored silence, Lance hopped down from the railing, landing lightly on his bare feet, "Alright, crew meeting," he called.
The Straw Hats gathered reluctantly, some groaning and others curious, Vivi stayed near the back still awkward around the group, while Alvida leaned against the mast with her signature smug grin.
Lance looked at all of them for a second, completely deadpan, then sighed. "You're all weak," he said flatly.
Zoro raised an eyebrow, "Excuse me?"
"Yeah, you heard me," Lance said, pacing lazily in front of them, "Weak, if someone like Crocodile or even Smoker showed up right now, half of you would die before you could blink" then pointed his bottle lazily toward Luffy, "You've got potential, condom boy, but you're too stupid to use it properly."
"Hey!" Luffy protested, puffing his cheeks out, "What's a condom?".
Lance then gestured toward all of them, "Starting today, everyone will start training, you're gonna pair up, beat the shit out of each other, and actually learn how to fight on your own and alongside each other."
Luffy immediately cheered, "Fighting! Yeah!" while Zoro cracked a grin and Sanji muttered something about "showing that marimo who's boss."
Nami sighed but eventually nodded, "Fine, but if I get bruises, you're paying for the ointment."
"You'll live. Anyway, Nami you pick who you wanna learn from first, then Alvida, as for you Vivi—" Lance turned toward her with his tone shifting from commanding to lazy amusement, "—you're new, so you're gonna learn something different. Nami and Alvida will teach you how to act like a proper sex slave. You'll fit in faster that way."
The deck went dead silent for half a second before Vivi's face turned bright red, her lips parting as she struggled to form words. "W-what—? I—! That's—!"
Alvida snorted, "You'll get used to it, Princess. Everyone does."
Lance ignored her embarrassment and turned away, already done with the conversation, "That's settled, meeting adjourned."
He was about to walk off when a calm, mature woman's voice came from right beside him—so close he could feel her breath against his neck, "Be careful not to crash your ship into the rocks near the shore."
Lance froze mid-step as his neck stiffened, a bead of cold sweat running down his temple, he hadn't sensed anyone approaching and that pissed him off, if he didn't knew that Robin would let them go he would be shitting bricks or dead by now.
Lance then turned his head slowly, and there she was—Nico Robin.
She stood tall, with black hair framing her face perfectly, long and straight down to her waist. Her outfit was a mix of classy and slutty—an open purple corset that barely held her massive tits, a matching miniskirt with silver ornaments that jingled softly when she moved, and a white fur-lined coat that hung from her shoulders.
A wide-brimmed white cowboy hat, much like Alvida's, cast a faint shadow over her eyes, and her long, shapely legs disappeared into high white boots.
Robin smiled faintly, tilting her hat, "I didn't mean to startle you," she said calmly yet Lance's expression didn't change, "You know it's normal that no one gets close to me without being noticed," he said, voice flat.
Vivi quickly ran to Robin's side, trying to defuse the tension, "Everyone, this is Miss All Sunday! She's… she's the vice president of Baroque Works."
The air around the deck grew thick as Zoro's hand twitched toward his sword and Sanji flicked his cigarette away with his eyes narrowing at her legs.
Nami tensed up, stepping closer to Lance, while Alvida sized up the new woman.
Robin remained perfectly calm, her eyes drifting lazily over each of them before settling back on Lance, "You must be the captain," she said with a small smirk, her voice as smooth as silk.
"Yeah," Lance said simply, "and you must be trouble."
Robin smiled wider, not denying it, "You could say that, but I'm just here to deliver a message."
The tension lasted another few minutes, the usual monologue between pirate and enemy, until Robin finally turned and walked to the edge of the ship.
She whistled softly, and a massive turtle surfaced beside the Going Merry, and Robin stepped gracefully onto its back and turned to glance over her shoulder.
"Until next time, Captain," she said, tipping her hat before the turtle slipped away into the sea, leaving nothing but ripples behind.
The crew relaxed, but Lance didn't move for a while, watching her disappear into the horizon until he finally sighed and sighed, "She's got the biggest tits I've seen since I got here."
Nami groaned, "Seriously?"
"Dead serious," Lance said, smiling ", Can't wait to get her pregnant, I wonder what her milk will taste like..." then turned toward Nami, "By the way, where's Miss Valentine?"
Nami smirked, clearly proud of herself, "Tied up in the galley, Captain, I didn't know if we should keep her for ransom or fun, so I figured I'd wait for your call."
Lance grinned, his tongue running briefly across his teeth, "Perfect," he said, pushing himself off the railing, "Nami, Alvida—you're coming with me, and Vivi…" he turned his head slightly, his grin widening just enough to make her shiver, "…you should come too, consider it a live lesson."
Vivi blinked, confused, "L-live… lesson?" she asked, knowing well what he meant but faking innocence.
"You'll see," Nami said with a mischievous smile, grabbing her arm as they followed Lance below deck.