After living with the sentient house of mysteries for a couple of weeks I noticed.
The House of Mystery didn't like being left alone.
That was the first thing you learned about it — like a cat that pretended not to care but would claw your face off if you went on vacation. I could feel its irritation bleeding through the walls as we stepped out of the portal. The door behind us slammed shut with a hiss, and I swear the damn thing whispered traitor in my ear.
"Relax," I muttered, lighting a cigarette. "I'm just getting a drink."
"Maybe it's mad because you never just get a drink," Wanda said beside me, arms crossed, crimson coat swaying in the city breeze. "Last time, you brought home a cursed monkey's paw, a hangover, and three demons."
"They weren't demons, they were—" I paused, exhaled smoke, "—entrepreneurs."
Pietro snorted. "Entrepreneurs who tried to eat the Wi-Fi router."
"Everyone's got a hustle, kid."
We walked down an empty street that shouldn't have existed — the kind that folds into itself, swallowing all light. At the end stood a door with a neon eye above it attached to a rundown store front, carved with shifting symbols. The smell of ozone and whiskey clung to it like perfume.
The Black Room.
Neutral ground. A pub that existed halfway between planes — run by the same barkeep. The place only appeared to those who'd made enough bad choices to curse gods.
"Remember the rules," I said, palming the door. "No fighting, no summoning, and don't ask what's in the stew."
Wanda arched an eyebrow. "What is in the stew?"
"No one knows. That's why it's delicious."
Pietro grinned. "Then let's eat."
The door opened. Warm light spilled out — smoke, laughter, bad jazz, and the scent of liquor strong enough to sterilize an open wound.
We stepped through.
⸻
The place looked like it was built by someone who'd read too many noir novels.
Low ceilings, green lamps, wood polished with old secrets. The jukebox in the corner hummed something bluesy and half-possessed. Every booth was occupied — vampires sipping from dark glasses, warlocks debating over sigils, one very nervous Asgardian pretending not to recognize Loki at the bar.
And there they were — my dysfunctional little circle of cosmic poker buddies.
Keller sat in the booth farthest from the light, looking half asleep but probably aware of everything. Across from him, Red Wolf nursed a whiskey, eyes scanning the crowd like he expected a fight to materialize from thin air. Next to them, Thor was laughing so loudly that half the patrons were glaring, and Loki was pretending not to know him.
And then, somehow, there was Tony Stark — in a tailored suit, tinkering with a tablet glowing with runic circuits.
"Bloody hell," I muttered. "Who let the futurist into the fantasy section?"
Thor spotted me first. "Eli Constantine!" he boomed. "Come! Sit! Drink! Tell us what sorcery you've dragged from your latest nightmare!"
"Hello to you too, Goldilocks." I flicked my cigarette into the void — the floor absorbed it with a sizzle — and slid into the booth. Wanda followed, graceful as always, Pietro right after, already eyeing the bar menu that kept rewriting itself.
"Ah, if it isn't the wielded of chaos and speedster," Loki said, smirking faintly. "I see Constantine has found new… apprentices."
"I'm nobody's apprentice," Wanda said flatly.
"Same," Pietro added. "Though I'll take free drinks if that's part of the job."
"See?" I said, pointing. "Fast learner." I ordered the 2 juice and stew as they were still kids and I didn't feel safe leaving them alone with the house.
Keller chuckled quietly. "It's been a while, Eli. You look like hell."
"Good," I said. "Means I'm consistent."
"Don't worry," Tony said without looking up, "you still smell like whiskey and questionable life choices. Some things are constants."
"Tony bloody Stark," I said, incredulous. "I thought this place didn't let in the uninitiated."
He grinned, finally meeting my eyes. "Yeah, well. I thought bars were for adults guess I was wrong about that."
"Don't worry there my baggage so like any self sustaining alcoholic. I took em with me to the bar." I replied "so how'd you get here male quantum rift to step through dimensions
"Nah. but intriguing idea?"
"Turns out science can fake it till it makes it." He tapped his tablet — holographic runes danced over the surface. "I call it the Arcana Interface. Machine learning trained on the magical resonance spectrum. Basically, I taught my tech to speak sorcerer."
I blinked. "You gave magic a diagnostic interface?"
"Yup. Magic is energy, energy can be mapped, and mapped energy can be categorized." He smirked. "I'm building a unified theory. Physics, metaphysics, same thing."
Keller groaned softly. "He's been like this for hours."
"You brought him here?" I said.
"I didn't," he said. "He found it on his own."
Tony winked. "Turns out if you triangulate thaumaturgic interference with sub-quantum oscillation patterns, this place pings like a Christmas tree."
Loki leaned in. "I could kill you and spare the universe that explanation."
Thor grinned. "Brother, you've been threatening to kill him since he won your helmet during our poker game."
"That wasn't fair I know he cheated!"
I took a long drink of whatever the Black Room had poured — something dark and smoky that burned like the memory of regret.
"Why am I here again?"
"You said you were going for a drink," Wanda reminded me.
"Yeah, it was metaphorical
Red Wolf grunted. "You sound like a man who doesn't appreciate good company."
"I appreciate company," I said. "It's the good part I have trouble with."
⸻
For a while, we just drank.
Strange finally joined him and Keller traded soft theories about mystical artifacts and magics place in the universe. Tony I challenged Thor to a drinking contest (and lost spectacularly). Loki spent most of the night making sarcastic remarks about humanity's obsession with alcohol as he quietly finished an entire bottle by himself.
Tony showed me the data he'd gathered on "mana emissions" — which, apparently, he'd been measuring through modified Stark satellites. I didn't want to admit it, but… it was brilliant. Dangerous, yes, but brilliant.
"So let me get this straight," I said, tapping his hologram. "You've been spying on the world's magic fields?"
"Monitoring," Tony corrected. "For research."
"You realize that's how horror movies start, right?"
"Eh," he said, sipping his drink. "I've been in worse."
I gave him a sideways glance. "You ever tried to unmake a curse by hand?"
He hesitated. "No."
"Then trust me, genius — worse is still ahead."
Wanda smirked into her glass. "You say that like it's a promise."
"It usually is."
⸻
As the night dragged on, the Black Room's lights dimmed to a softer hue — like the place itself was eavesdropping. I'd almost forgotten how it felt to sit in a circle like this.
Not as a soldier. Not as a savior.
Just… people. Tired, broken, magical, and trying to stay that way.
Thor raised a glass. "To the mad, the mortal, and the meddlesome."
Loki rolled his eyes. "You're all three, brother."
"Exactly!" Thor boomed. "Which means I drink for all of us!"
Pietro leaned toward Wanda. "How is he still standing?"
"Asgardian metabolism," she said. "And arrogance."
I chuckled. "One's the cause, the other's the cure."
Wanda looked at me across the rim of her glass. "You know I'm glad your my teacher even if you are a drunk loser."
"Not sure that's a compliment."
"It is," she said softly. "You're still reckless, still infuriating… but you hardly ever run and make do with what you have and always find a way to succeed."
I looked away, pretending to study the candlelight dancing in the liquor. "Maybe I'm just faking everything ever thought about that."
She smiled faintly. "Or maybe you finally found some worth fighting for."
"Careful, love," I said, though my voice came out quieter than I meant. "Say things like that and the universe might hear you."
She tilted her head. "Then let it listen." "Teach." She smiled
"Yeah teach" said pietro as he stole my whiskey and drowned in it and pass out immediately.
⸻
A few drinks later, Tony was trying to convince Loki to help him design a "mana stabilizer core" ("like a mini-Arc Reactor, but for wizards"), Thor was laughing at Pietro's fourth attempt to lift Mjolnir ("the table moved, I swear it!"), and Keller… Keller was staring into his glass like he could see the future.
When the noise died down, he looked up, and for once his tone wasn't casual.
"Eli," he said quietly. "There's something you should know."
I straightened, the air shifting — even Loki stopped talking.
"What kind of something?"
He set his drink down. "We've had reports — sightings, whispers really — from Los Angeles. People disappearing. Blood drained. Bodies turning up in the river with their eyes burned out."
I sighed. "Vampires. Always bloody vampires."
"That's not the strange part," Keller continued. "Someone's organizing them."
"Organizing?" Wanda asked.
He nodded. "There's a man — or something that looks like one — using a local rave promoter as his front. He throws massive parties in old warehouses. Everyone's welcome. Music, drugs, glamour spells — and then the vampires come in. Pick and choose their food… or their new kin."
"Feeding farms," I muttered. "Classy."
Tony frowned. "Can't SHIELD or, you know, anyone else handle that?"
"No this wand business," Keller said. "They've layered the site with archaic tunes that scramble surveillance and tech. Even your toys won't get through."
Tony's eyes narrowed. "I could—"
"No," I cut him off. "This isn't a science problem. It's a monster problem."
Wanda leaned in. "Then we handle it."
I raised an eyebrow. "We?"
She smirked. "You think I'm letting you go to a vampire rave alone?"
"Didn't say I was going alone," I said. "Just didn't say I was bringing you."
Pietro grinned. "I'm coming too."
"You?" I asked. "Just yesterday when the house let out Dracula, you asked if garlic spray would work."
"Yeah," he said, sparks of silver light flickering around his fingers, "but now I've got a spark."
He raised his hand — a small flare of magic danced across his palm, messy but alive.
I couldn't help but grin. "Guess I did teach you something."
"Damn right you did."
Loki sighed dramatically. "Mortals and their heroics. You'll all die young."
"Maybe," I said, standing and pulling my coat around me. "But we'll do it drunk and stylish."
Thor slammed his mug down. "Then it's settled! We ride for Los Angeles!"
"No," I said immediately. "You stay here. Last thing I need is a thunder god crashing through a nightclub."
He looked genuinely disappointed. "But—"
"No."
Wanda smirked. "He's right, Thor. You don't really blend."
Pietro grinned. "Yeah, you'd kill the vibe."
Thor frowned. "By odins beard. am I not the vibe?"
"Not this one," I said. "Trust me."
Keller raised his glass. "Good hunting, Constantine."
I nodded. "Always."
⸻
As we stepped out of the Black Room, the door sealed behind us — vanishing into the night like it had never been there.
Wanda pulled her hood up. "So. Vampires in L.A."
"Yep," I said, lighting a fresh cigarette. "And a rave run by bloodsuckers. You ever dance with the undead under UV lights?"
She smirked. "No."
"Good," I said. "It's awful."
Pietro cracked his knuckles. "When do we leave?"
"Soon as I finish this smoke," I said, exhaling into the dark. "And maybe after I steal one of Stark's satellite maps."
Wanda rolled her eyes. "You're impossible."
"Yeah," I said, flicking ash into the void. "But I make it look good."
The city hummed beneath us — alive, restless, waiting.
Somewhere out there, the dead were throwing a party.
And for better or worse, we were on the guest list.
Authors note: first authors note I'm posting this story through my phone hope you enjoy the story. The timeline begins in 2005 in chapter 1 and this chapter it's 2006 iron man and Thor movies happen earlier and stranger's training started earlier too. in the timeline due to Mephisto fucking wit shit I write this shit while I'm smoking so I have something to do after each bong rip besides coughing my lungs out I added red wolf cuz I was looking up witch characters I wanted to introduce and I thought the story is Texas rn let's add a hero who's established as a hero in Texas fond red wolf and bros native black panther thought he was cool so now he's here.