"…Huh?"
The word slipped out in a flat, stupid croak—no honorifics, no filter, just pure brain-freeze.
I, Jirei Lago, professional slacker and D-rank adventurer, stared at the sixth princess as she'd just proposed.
Elena just beamed brighter.
"I said I'm making you my husband," she repeated, chest puffed out like she'd already won.
Her sapphire eyes glittered with the unshakable confidence of someone who'd never been told no in her life.
"Too happy to speak, right?"
"No, I'm genuinely confused," I deadpanned, rubbing my temples hard enough to leave marks.
All I wanted was prize money, a nap, and zero princesses.
This was not the plan.
"Oh! Gifts first, then!" Elena chirped, clapping once.
"Stica, Ale-kun, please."
Stica stepped forward with her usual blank face and—seriously?—pulled a slimy frog-shaped lump from under her skirt.
"This is my one-of-a-kind custom magic tool, *Ale-kun*!" Elena declared, thrusting the thing at me like it was sacred.
"It responds to voice commands so you can program the perfect conversation buddy! No more lonely days!"
I stared at the grotesque G-class trash in her hands. Absolute garbage.
"My *Hana Glasses* even predicted you'd love it, so it's fate!" she added, shoving a marriage contract under my nose.
Those tacky flower-rimmed glasses flashed as she leaned in way too close.
"Sign it, come on!"
"Hard no," I said, arms crossed.
She froze, contract dangling.
"Why not? I'm objectively a transcendentally beautiful princess!"
"Look," I sighed, "you're… decent, sure. But marrying a stranger because of a pretty face is how people end up in bad isekai novels."
"You'll fall for me after the wedding!" she insisted, cheeks puffing.
"It was love at first sight! Right, Stica?"
"Love at first sight," Stica echoed in perfect monotone. "You decided that thirty seconds ago."
Elena barreled on anyway.
"Plus, you get this perfect, plump body!" She hugged herself dramatically, emphasizing her chest.
I narrowed my eyes. Something was definitely off.
"*Throne Appraisal*," I whispered.
**Magic Item: Mock Armor Replica**
**Level: Ancient Relic**
**Effect: Fake body parts on demand**
**Current setting: AAA → G-cup**
"…Triple-A?" I said aloud. "You're using an ancient relic?"
Elena turned crimson and shrieked, "Pervert! Detection should be illegal!"
She clutched her chest like I'd stabbed her.
The regal façade shattered instantly.
"Just give me the prize money and let me leave," I said, already exhausted.
"I don't want the frog or the fake boobs."
"Wait right here," Elena snapped, grabbing Stica and storming into the next room.
The door slammed so hard the hinges rattled.
Through the wall—because of course they forgot soundproofing—came Elena's wail.
"He saw right through it! My charm failed!"
Stica, calm as ever: "I'm an H-cup, milady. Maybe he likes them flat… or big. Hard to tell."
"It's not flat!" Elena sobbed.
The next five minutes were pure slapstick tragedy.
Eventually Elena shuffled back, eyes red, still sniffling.
"I know you hate the idea, but listen—my kingdom's in a succession crisis."
She took a shaky breath. "Father declared whoever brings the strongest magical spouse gets the throne. My siblings are monsters, and I… can't even cast beginner spells."
Stica added helpfully, "She skips practice, trips at balls, and only joined to avoid an arranged marriage. You're literally her only option."
Elena wailed, "Stica!!"
"Nope," I said, standing. "Not my circus, not my monkeys."
Elena's teary face flipped to a sly grin in half a second.
"Fine, I give up… but you're not walking out for free."
Seven hidden magical signatures I'd sensed ages ago flared slightly—elite anti-mage guards sealing the room.
"Really? A trap?" I asked, unimpressed.
"You think seven cloaked mages scare me in here?"
Elena faltered. "You already noticed…?"
"Good threat, milady," Stica said blankly. "Illegal, but good acting."
"Stica, be quiet!" Elena hissed, face burning again.
I sighed, tracing a pale circle under my feet.
"Didn't want to use this, but whatever."
"*Spatial Transition: Teleport*."
Light flashed.
Elena's shocked "Wait—!" and Stica's emotionless "Tehe" were the last things I heard before vanishing completely.
Peace at last.
Or so I thought.