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I could only hear my heartbeat for the few minutes that followed. I still couldn't get it into my head that Sam had kissed me. I mean, she hadn't taken it well when I did the first time. A lot of thoughts were running through my mind. Did she do it to distract herself? She clearly had stuff going on.
"You wanted to see me?"
Her voice broke through the silence.
I turned to look at her and for a moment I thought I was dreaming. She made it seem like what had just happened hadn't happened at all. Her face was devoid of emotion. I couldn't tell what she was thinking.
All the weight from earlier was back — very visible.
"Yeah… I was worried."
I decided to play along despite my mind screaming at me to confront her. Another part of me begged me to pretend nothing had happened and never let such a thing happen again. I wasn't ready for that. Not now.
"Worried?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I just found out about the video today, and Brandon mentioned you weren't taking it well." I paused. Sam was looking at me with the same blank expression. "I'm… I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." I added, looking down at my intertwined fingers.
"I should have known he can't keep his mouth shut," she mumbled.
"He didn't exactly tell me. I had to drag it out of him. He really did try to keep it." I defended Brandon.
"How are you? I mea—"
"I'm good. Fine, even."
She cut me off. Her voice was low, and the crack in it didn't go unnoticed.
"Sam… I can tell you're not okay. Are people at school giving you a hard time?" I asked, concerned. My heart ached just looking at her like this. I was used to the cheerful Sam.
"I don't really care about the people at school."
Her eyes were heavy now. She looked down, avoiding my gaze.
Then what is it?
I shifted closer on the couch and placed a hand on her lap.
"What is it then?"
My eyes pierced into hers, hoping to find something — anything.
A warm drop landed on my hand. Sam quickly covered her face with her hands as I heard her sniffle.
I couldn't help it anymore. I pulled her into my arms and ran my hand over her back. She let out soft sobs as she trembled against me, soaking my shirt.
"It's okay… let it all out," I whispered softly in her ear, rubbing her back. "I'm here."
I kept whispering to her as she cried, her soft sobs filling the room.
"I… I'm… so… so… sorry," she tried to speak, but the words wouldn't come out.
"Shhh," I murmured, playing with her hair. "Let it all out, ba—" My eyes widened when I realized what I had almost said. I kept stroking her back until her trembling slowly stopped. She eventually pulled away from me, never meeting my eyes.
"So… sorry for, uh…" She paused, stealing a glance at me before looking back down at her lap. "For that."
"What are friends for, if not that?" I joked.
She smiled faintly — but it disappeared just as quickly.
"I swear I'm not always like this," she said, her voice breaking. "It's just… that…"
I stayed quiet, giving her time. I wanted to tell her she didn't have to explain anything if she didn't want to, but I also didn't want her to think I didn't care.
I really wanted to know what was wrong.
Who could have hurt her this much?
I never thought seeing someone in pain could hurt this badly. My entire body ached. I wanted to fight whoever did this to her.
Get that out of your head. You know what happened the last time you fought, I scolded myself.
"I can't take it anymore. I'm fed up," Sam whispered.The pain in her eyes setting my heart on fire.
What could she not take anymore? Was someone hurting her? Threatening her? Is that why she left class this morning?
"They've been controlling me my whole life… since we lost her."
She swallowed.
"I can't do anything I want. Everything I do has to be approved by them — even what I eat. I'm so tired."
Who was she talking about?
"And now it's worse after the video. They're saying they can't have people thinking their daughter is a homosexual."
Her parents!
I couldn't believe people were still homophobic in this century.
"They want to change my school, Jolls. They want me to go to Germany."
She finally looked at me.
"What the f— what?!" I blurted. Sam leaving? Germany?
"Thats like—"
"I know," she cut me off. "And it's not just that. I'll have to stay with my grandparents. They're the worst, Jolls."
I couldn't help wondering what she meant when she said her parents had been like that since they lost her. Who did they lose?
"Can't you just tell them you don't want to go?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"You don't know my parents. They'll do anything to get what they want."
She paused. "I had a virtual interview this morning. That's why I left class."
"Interview?"
"Yeah, with the school they want me to join." She let out a dry laugh.
"I got accepted… and I'm banned from leaving the house until next week, when I leave for Germany."
"What?"
It was too much information at once.
The universe really didn't like me. First Sandy… now Sam?
At least she wasn't choosing to leave, but it still wasn't fair. No one I let in ever stayed.
I felt Sam's hand brush my cheek, wiping away a tear I hadn't noticed falling.
"Sorry," I muttered with a weak laugh. I didn't even recognize myself this days. I cried over everything now. I wasn't in control of my emotions.
"It's okay," Sam whispered, squeezing my hand.
"I knew you'd miss me. That's why I snuck out to say goodbye."
"This is goodbye?" My voice cracked.
It explained the kiss.
"I'm gonna mi—"
Her phone rang, cutting her off.
"Shit," she cursed, staring at the screen.
"What?"
"It's my mom."
Her finger hovered over the screen. "She must've noticed I left."
I watched her wishing I could protect her from all of it. All I wanted was to see her happy — living the life she wanted.
But all I could do was sit there, watching her helplessly, with nothing I could do.