I would imagine my ex's face every time I drank whiskey. The extent at which I felt physical pain was easily knocked out of the ring by my mental anguish, the tiresome work of maintaining a stable mood and outlook never giving me a break. And then there were life circumstances outside of my selfish mental health issues.
It was like being in two places at once. Worrying and praying over my troubled family members became a personal favorite pass time. What the hell was wrong with me, and my obsession with fatality? Of many things, not just a physical body.
I knew something was wrong with me when I began fighting with my partner about his taking to a distance. Emotionally and mentally. I became a wreck as he shut down further. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. Perhaps I was too available as he yearned for his past once again. I was being played, as I remained loyal and going insane from it. My pure intentions.
I finally woke up to the fact that I was alone four years later. He was infatuated with the idea of me and disgusted by his love for me. Everything I built within our connection, every gift I bought him, every fight — a reflection of my disparity and sheer patheticness. I failed to keep myself together.
It didn't stop there. My ketamine addiction was getting out of control. I would spend four hundred a month self-medicating as I lied to myself, that in some long-term way, it would cure me. Despite being a junkie in the past, my boyfriend threw me out of his house for having a gram on me. How fucking insulting considering he was involved with more drugged out women emersed in his sex addiction than a Luciferianist cult member. Only to judge, attempt to control and manipulate me out of no longer being who I was meant to be.
I lost all hope at the right time. Being saved from my expectations, disappointment and capacity to love someone who valued being away from me brought me a sense of intrinsic peace. I had done something right in my life. These forward actions were not derived from self love, but rather survival. I chose myself.
For once, I chose me.
Not overnight did this happen. It took a lot of backhands before I decided the person I acted like wasn't who I needed to be. I was in his corner. Was he in mine when he became an alcoholic and mingled in my absence? While I was trying to heal from a psychotic break, he reached out to anyone and everyone for relief from the atrocity of my mental illness, as if I wasn't suffering in my solitude from it, day in, day out. Proudly, he ditched the relationship and uttered profanities at me for telling him I wanted some form of the truth. Fucking delinquent had me crying myself to sleep often in the psych ward. It wasn't until two years later that it hit me hard.
Regardless if you are an unlovable wreck, do not trust a degenerate with your heart. It will be your life's mistake.
I remained with him despite my sudden discovery of my calling to exit the humiliating phase of overcaring, overthinking, and overloving. For I still wanted a partner. I instead watched the bond we had become a tragedy. My inner peace became a target for him to throw knives at. And they cut deep. That was the price of wanting someone who conned you from day one.
At least he wasn't like every other man I knew, who just viewed me as some slut they could manipulate until boredom reached them as though an orgasmic pulse, finalizing all intentions to interact into the sum of up satisfaction I could never relate to. Fuck it all.
I intended to disappear and take a vow of silence. For no other reason than I needed to clear my head. It was beyond hectic with the revolving thoughts in painful reminiscence of people mistreating me for the fun of degrading someone with nothing but thirty-seven cuts on their left wrist to show for the pain they've felt in the darkest corners of their life. Which involved standing there alone, not even bothering to turn around and walk into the light.
Yes. For the longest time I didn't want to heal. I enjoyed fading into the dark abyss depression granted me. There was a warm blanket beneath the treachery.