1 Hachiman Hikigaya's life at school is, in fact, extremely peaceful.
It was that season again—the one that makes me think girls are actually more attractive in additional clothes rather than fewer. The cultural festival was over, the athletic festival had come and gone without any major hiccups, and the year would conclude in less than two months. The weather had suddenly got colder, and the wind had turned from cool breezes to wintry chills.
The world around me was colder and bleaker, too.
My seat in the middle of the classroom was like the eye of a hurricane, a vacuum no one dared approach. Everyone seemed to like the edges and corners—perhaps this is a custom of the Japanese. On the train or the bus, people always choose the sides and corners first. If you turned them into cute girls, I'm sure Wall-chan and Corner-chan would be super-popular.
And so there was no one around my spot in the center. It had always been like this.
What was different now was how they looked at me.
They weren't oblivious to me. They were deliberately going out of their way to tell me they were ignoring me. Their eyes would flick toward me for just an instant, as if they were smothering snickers.
When I'd look to see where the sound was coming from, our eyes would lock. Meeting such looks is the way of the Hikigaya.
So it would be normal for them to look away again, and indeed, that's what they used to do.
But when they had the upper hand, that didn't always happen. In fact, after we'd stared at each other for two full seconds, they would giggle about it with their friends and begin their witty repartee interwoven with tasteful jokes such as Like, he's looking at us (lol) and What's with that guy? (lol) and Ew (lol).
I felt a bit like a panda— No, that's an exaggeration. More like an axolotl or a sea monkey or something. Oh man, what the heck? Am I the lovable type? "Gross-cute," I think they call it.
I had to encourage myself, or it'd break me a little.
There was already a slight chip on one of my edges, and I'd even cried a little in bed at night. I pride myself in my Diamond-level hardness (according to the Superhuman Hardness scale), but diamond is just strong against scratches, and they actually break right apart if you give one a good whack with a hammer. You said diamond is unbreakable, didn't you? You lied.
But fortunately, it was no longer the whole grade year that was antiHikigaya—partly because people weren't paying much attention to me in the first place, so their attention went elsewhere quickly. They say rumors last seventy-five days, and basically, that's how it works. They're like the new waifus you get every season. Since they never treated me like a person in the first place, that period was condensed, and now they were so disinterested in me that I wouldn't even get a bit on Where Are They Now?
The world isn't concerned with me. There are plenty of other amusements out there.
That day, the classroom was filled with the same old lighthearted conversations.
The back of the class was abuzz with noisy conversation. It was just like gorillas drumming: an attempt to emphasize their existence. By the way, "drumming" in Japanese is translated taiko-ing.
Within this melting pot of conversation, the chatter of these kids making their mark on the world often reached my ears. Glancing over, I saw the Tobe-Ooka-Yamato trio sitting on desks. There are chairs. Why don't you sit on those?
"Man, what're we gonna do on the field trip?" Tobe brought up the topic, and Ooka raised his hand up high to reply.
"It's Kyoto, right? So we gotta go to USJ. USJ! USJ!"
"Ain't that in Osaka?" Yamato quipped, strangely calm and quiet.
"Whoo! A punchline from the home o' comedy, y'all!" Tobe, meanwhile, was hysterical.
…Eugh.
Frankly, I couldn't stand listening to their bad accents. If someone from Kansai were here, these guys would probably get hit with an ashtray. One of the defining traits of a Kansai local is their fury at crappy imitations of their accent. I reckon Conan said somethin' 'bout that.
There's nothing more dubious than a Kanto person's attempt at a Kansai accent. Should my crimes on that front be forgiven? Probably not.
With no way of knowing what was going on in my head, the three boys continued their exuberant conversation. The way they'd glance over at the girls to see if anyone noticed how much fun they were having was shallow but adorable.
"But, like, going all the way to Osaka'd be a pain in the ass," Tobe said while tugging at the hair at the back of his neck.
"Darn tootin'." The smugness radiated off Ooka.
But then in came calm, cool, and slow-on-the-uptake Yamato. He ignored the opportunity for a quip, contemplating silently before taking careful aim and saying, "…Why don't you just go by yourself, Tobe?"
"Whoa! You wanna leave me out? That's Whassis-tani, though." They all burst into laughter.
Nearby, Oda and Tahara had been showing each other their phones,
but I could see their shoulders shaking with little snerks of suppressed laughter if I looked.
Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. So funny. What a riot; better call the cops.
Well, this was how they'd been treating me these days. They made me the butt of all their jokes as they all found their own ways to probe the boundary line of how much they could say and how far they could go.
By the way, there's no such thing as bullying at my school, and all these things are just jokes. Just playing around. Not bullying at aaaaaall. They were just teeeeasing. The usual. No matter how cruel their words or behavior, they can blow it all off by claiming it was just a joke. It's superconvenient. Say that to anyone, and you're Cell telling Vegeta to laugh. They have no choice.
But why do they do it? Well, it's just the conventional method of making something accepted.
When something difficult to accept is allowed into a group, a compromise is made. The only way it can be done is to make it funny. It's a necessary step to introduce something foreign into a group.
For a certain period of time, there had also been some passionate lobbying for Sagami in Class 2-F, and you might have been witness to all the disgust directed my way and a lovely sense of friendship and consideration for Sagami. But time flies when you're in high school. By the time the athletic festival was over, the "poor Sagamin" fad had ended, and now we were in the midst of a "let's make jokes about Hikitani" fad. I'm the star of the times.
They had already forgotten about Sagami and how everything started with her, and only the dregs remained—the part about treating Hachiman Hikigaya like crap—and it was now a custom. This concept of a ritual reduced to a formality is easy to understand if you imagine some religious ceremony, a historied set of behaviors that once had reasons behind it, losing its original meaning. Take the Bon Odori, or Christmas. People enjoy it and accept it without really knowing where it came from.
These things eventually become part of the group identity, a unified culture, and are performed to reaffirm group solidarity.
They'll probably get tired of this soon enough, though.
But now that the whole class was getting excited for the field trip, it was at its peak. These rituals become necessary especially at the times when everyone has to exercise their strength as a unit: when they're putting together cliques and talking about where they'll go and what they'll do.
As Tobe and his friends went on about Whassis-tani, Whassis-tani, gradually, the topic of conversation shifted. And hey, my name isn't even Hikitani in the first place.
Stroking his crew cut, Ooka said, "Anyway, this field trip, though.
Sick."
"Sick," Yamato agreed. He didn't ask what was sick. What's sick is sick. What's so sick? It's real sick. If you point out the circular logic, you lose. Sick.
"So anyway, hey, Tobe, like, what're you gonna do about the thing?" Ooka brought up this subject nervously, as if he wanted so badly to ask he just couldn't help himself.
Tobe got kinda shy and bashful. "Wait, you're asking me? I guess you are. Well, y'know, isn't it obvious?" He cleared his throat lightly and paused for emphasis. "…I mean, I'm gonna do it."
The other guys ohh'd in admiration of his pointlessly determined expression. Do what, I wonder. Drugs? It sure seems like he's done enough to damage the speech center of his brain already, though.
Tobe and the guys did a one-eighty, suddenly quiet. It seemed this was something they really didn't want others to be hearing about.
Since everyone in the classroom, including the trio themselves, was now absorbed in their own conversations, attention had moved away from me. If they glanced over to check on me, they would find me staring blankly at the ceiling.
It's nice sitting on the edge of your chair, slouching into it with all your weight on the back. Sighing, I slowly closed my eyes. The classroom was abuzz with excited chattering about the approaching field trip. This meant I was freed from uncomfortable looks and sneers.
Suddenly, a shadow fell over me. What? I thought, and I opened my eyes to see a familiar chest—er, face. "Yahallo." Yuigahama was peering down on me from above.
"Uhhh…" I felt like I was about to fall out of my chair, but I endeavored to reply calmly.
"You're coming to club today, right?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. Then see you in the clubroom," she said quietly. This consideration was a big deal. She had apparently chosen a moment when everyone wasn't looking. With an air of secrecy, she gave a little wave in front of her chest, then returned to Miura, who gave me a questioning look but immediately dropped her gaze to her phone again.
As expected of the Queen of Fire. She walked her own path, and it seemed she wasn't much interested in the lives of the common people. She was neither an enemy nor a friend, but she also wasn't a neutral party. Her noninvolvement was something to be thankful for.
That look just now had probably not been really about me, but rather her showing concern for Yuigahama. Talking to me under the current circumstances was a fairly risky thing to do, but Yuigahama had a knack for reading the room and keeping everyone uncomfortable. I'm sure a desire for self-preservation was a major factor in her behavior, but the heaviest implication was that she was trying to avoid making me a target.
When everyone hates you but you nevertheless must associate yourself with a group, the first thing you must do is remove the targets of attack to the best of your ability. The three keys are not making mistakes, not showing fault, and avoiding errors. Wait…those are all functionally the same thing.
But even saying that, pride in your own perfection can also be an opening to attack. So first of all, the trick is to do nothing. If you don't do anything, you'll never fail.
Also, don't get involved with anyone.
Involvement with other people inevitably brings about friction—and not just between the two relevant parties. You also have to account for anyone watching. You have to be especially careful about making contact with those who tend to attract attention.
I should be somewhat careful myself. I don't want to drag anyone else into this.
Yuigahama was always considerate enough to be aware of her position in the upper caste when she spoke to me, and that's why she chose an inconspicuous moment to come talk to me, but I doubted I should rely too heavily on her for that.
Until now, just avoiding attention had been enough, but from here on out, it might be better to make myself physically scarce, like by leaving the classroom and doing something with my phone. I could pretend like I'd gotten a phone call… No, they'd catch on immediately. They would know right away that nobody would ever call me.
In the end, I was left with nothing to do, and so I lay back down on my desk.
Around the time when the break was almost over, the traffic through the classroom door reached a fever pitch. Everyone who had gone to hang out in other classrooms or to the washroom or to buy drinks was filtering back in.
I opened my eyelids a crack and saw a long ponytail out of the corner of my eye.
Her blue-tinged black hair was tied up in a scrunchie, and when she closed her phone, her beaming smile suddenly turned bored.
That girl with the brother complex. She's been texting him again? I've got to be careful when I text Komachi, too, or they'll call me a siscon. In fact, they'll even call me a sispuri. Or not.
Saki Kawa-something—I'll call her Sakikawa for short—was looking all around the room warily. It seemed she was worried someone might have seen her grinning just now.
Her gaze hit mine.
"Yeep!" She jumped a little with a strange, quiet yelp. Her face reddened visibly, and then she looked down and swiftly headed to her own seat. She'd been like that ever since the cultural festival. She avoided getting anywhere near me, and whenever she met my eyes, she was extremely obvious about turning away.
Yes, yes, that's best. There's an appropriate distance to be kept if we're both to live our lives in comfort.
Some might make the impertinent claim that only we humans kill our own species, but that's not quite true. Wild animals will make serious attempts to kill one another if their territories collide. There are all kinds of territorial overlaps at school, so of course there's gonna be conflict.
Most of all, in high school, we each have our own social groups, our own castes, and we're all of different types.
Each person really is unique.
Case in point, the one trotting up to me right that minute.
"Hachiman." A voice of heavenly music, the gait of one who walks atop the clouds themselves, and the form of a divine messenger.
Totsuka's seriously an angel.
Totsuka was so angelic, he wasn't bothered by the air coming from us foul humans, and so he came to talk to me. "They said we're going to decide on groups for the field trip in the next long homeroom." Totsuka passed along the news he'd heard somewhere.
The field trip was looming; it would be a three-night stay the following week. On the first day, we'd all be in class groups; on the second day, we'd split into smaller groups with other classmates; and on the third day, we were all free to do what we wanted. Only the first day had a fixed schedule; from the second day onward, we could all go where we wanted, which meant the hot topic for discussion in the classroom now was the second and third days.
In other words, the groups that would be decided in the next long homeroom were like the prelims that would decide about two-thirds of the field trip.
Not that it had much to do with me, since I'd be paired up with whoever was left over and follow along behind them.
"…Oh, well, everyone's basically decided already, right?"
"I dunno… I haven't decided yet," Totsuka muttered quietly, looking down. Maybe he was embarrassed he still didn't have a place to go when most everyone else had decided on their groups.
"…"
There was an uncomfortable pause, and noticing the silence, Totsuka lifted his head to cover the awkwardness with a warm expression.
I want to protect this smile.
I'm generally not disposed to invite other people to things, but this was the long-awaited school field trip. Maybe I could give it a shot this time. But, like, giving it a shot with a guy… How did I get here?
"…Well, we could be a group."
"Yeah!" He seized onto the favorable reply and broke into a grin, and the sight left me content. If I'd been a wandering ghost, that would have sent me peacefully on to the next life. If the JSDF had canvassed me then, I would probably have joined. "So then we need two others, right? What should we do?"
"A group of four, huh…? Well, I guess we need to find another couple of people without a full group yet and dock with them." Of the ones left over, whoever left the most vivid impression would carry out the operation with us.
"Yeah! And then we have to think about where we're going."
"Sure, we can just go wherever."
It looked like class was about to start. Totsuka seemed ready to dive straight into thinking up ideas, but I gently sent him back to his seat. I didn't forget to give him a light, casual touch on the shoulder as he went, either.
Totsuka nodded, waved at me, and returned to his seat.
The eyes around us turned to Totsuka for an instant, but I couldn't sense any distaste for him.
Maybe it was his androgynous appearance. I figure his position is a little different from most.
But I didn't want to give him undue attention just in case, for the future.
I'd never been the one to go talk to him, and I probably never would. I wouldn't go out of my way to approach him, either. Things would be fine as long as I maintained an appropriate and reasonable distance. And the responsibility for taking care on that front lay on my shoulders.
I would spend my time as I always had.
Today, like every day, I committed myself to pretending to sleep. At times like these, it's particularly important to stay in control and maintain your normal pattern of behavior. With my left arm as a pillow, I put my face down on the desk, and in the right side of my field of vision, I spotted a rare duo.
It was right before class.
Hayama and Ebina were coming back. I'd seen them together as part of the same social clique, but I'd basically never seen them talking alone together before.
Oh, now that I think of it, I didn't see them in the classroom earlier.
The two of them exchanged a few whispered words—secrets, perhaps—and then quickly separated.
"Hey, hey, hey!" Ebina called, an offhand and lighthearted greeting, as she headed toward Miura and Yuigahama. She was cheerful, as always, and they received her with the same reaction they always did.
But unlike theirs, Hayama's expression was solemn.
Unusually for him, his smile seemed somehow grim. It almost seemed sad to me, like he was laughing at his own expense. It was noticeable enough that even I could pick up on it, and I wasn't close to him. So of course, the others could tell, too.
Of the three guys, the first to talk to him was Tobe. "Hey, Hayato. Did you go somewhere? Pulling a Whassis-tani and going off by yourself?"
"It wasn't anything important. Let me go to the bathroom alone, at least. And you really like that joke, don't you? You're overusing it." Still smiling, Hayama poked Tobe in the head.
"Geh!" The sound from Tobe fell somewhere between an exhalation and a word.
Yamato and Ooka followed in Hayama's footsteps. "Oof, you got told."
"You mean he got Tobe'd?"
"I'm the joke now?! Come on, man, gimme a break!" The laughter grew and spread.
As it did, jokes about Tobe-ing and getting Tobe'd ripped out across the whole room, and now Tobe was the trend.
The clique of Hayama the thought leader was a force to be reckoned with. Hikitani jokes were now a relic of the past.
Thanks to that, my days were peaceful once again.
Glorious lonerdom, just as before.
In fact, I even got the feeling that everyone was acting even more distant than they had before. My existence had been buried in the darkness.
Now, I was kind of like a ninja. Domo, greetings, it is I, the ninja Hikigaya.
I'm looking forward to going to Kinkaku-ji Temple in Kyoto…
2 Nobody knows why they came to the Service Club.
Someone must have brought in an electric kettle at some point, because I could hear one whistling. Yukinoshita noticed the water was boiling and carefully folded over the corner of her magazine: the "dog-ear." Though since she loves cats, she might argue it isn't a dog ear but the ear of a Scottish fold. If you don't know, the Scottish fold is a popular breed of cat with characteristic "dog-eared" bent ears, which is unusual for a cat.
She set her magazine on the desk and got up to fetch the kettle.
Yuigahama had been lazily toying with the cell phone in her hand until she called out to Yukinoshita, eyes sparkling with anticipation. "Yay! Snack time!" As Yukinoshita prepared the cups and tea leaves, Yuigahama fished through her bag for some treats to go with the drinks.
On the desktop was a pretty cup and a saucer, plus a mug printed with an unmotivated-looking dog lying in a slump.
I'd been seeing them a lot lately, now that we were deeper into fall and you could hear the footsteps of the coming winter. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Yukinoshita making tea as I read my paperback.
She poured hot water into the glass pot, and the leaves slowly rose in a dance. The way they fluttered up only to quietly drift down again was reminiscent of the little flecks in a snow globe.
Yukinoshita poured first into the cup, then in the mug, and then, teapot still in hand, she froze. Putting her hand on her chin, she seemed to consider something a moment before reaching out to the paper cups that were always kept in the clubroom and pouring the liquid into one of those, too. She gave the paper cup a cold and dissatisfied glare, even though she was the one responsible for it, then transferred the rest of the tea into a ceramic pot and put a cozy on it to keep it warm.
Then she took her cup and saucer and returned to her seat. Still clacking away on her cell phone, Yuigahama followed suit with her mug.
With no one claiming it, the paper cup was left all alone. The steam rising from it wavered, unsure where to go.
"The tea…will get cold."
"…My tongue burns easily." It had taken me a few moments to understand that the cup was for me. But I wasn't enough of a contrarian that I couldn't accept something someone went to the effort of leaving for me. When I figured the tea had cooled a bit, I reached out for it.
As I sipped at my drink, Yuigahama was holding her own mug in both hands and blowing on it to cool it down. "Oh yeah, so it's about time for the field trip, huh?"
The term made Yukinoshita's eyebrows twitch. Lately, our class had been talking about nothing else. It seemed those ripples had reached the Service Club, too.
"Have you guys already decided where you're going and stuff?" Yuigahama asked.
"I'm about to," Yukinoshita replied.
"Depends on where the people in my group go," I said. To me, a field trip is basically just forcible displacement. The other members of my group would stand in front of me and come up with a plan that included none of my opinions and act like I wasn't there, and I would silently follow after them. I wasn't particularly dissatisfied with this arrangement; I liked that it was easy, though it wasn't quite what I'd call fun.
A chummy group will be considerate and take my opinions into account sometimes, but a foreign body is still a foreign body. Something to be eliminated.
As someone with a long history of being that particular alien element, I take this fact for granted. This should also be the same for Yukinoshita, who would have similarly been treated this way.
"Oh yeah, so, Yukinoshita, what do you do for field trips and events and stuff?" I asked her, suddenly curious.
Teacup in one hand, Yukinoshita tilted her head slightly. "? What do you mean?"
"You don't have any friends in your class, right?"
To a stranger, it would sound like a pretty mean question, but
Yukinoshita didn't seem bothered by it. She replied matter-of-factly, "No. So?"
"I was just wondering what you do about groups and stuff," I said.
Yukinoshita must have finally grasped the intentions behind my question, as she put down her teacup and spoke with understanding. "—Oh, if that's what you mean, I simply go with whoever invites me."
"What? You get i-invited?" I asked in surprise. That was unexpected.
Yukinoshita looked a little sullen as she replied, "I don't know what sort of impression you have of me, but I've never had trouble finding a group. Usually, some girls will come talk to me." She swept her hair off her shoulder.
Yuigahama was listening to us off to the side, and she touched her cup to her mouth as she looked up. "Oh, I think I kinda get that. Class
J is mostly girls, so I think they'd be into someone as cool and calm as Yukinon."
"Huh. I see… In Class J, huh?"
Yukinoshita was in Class J, the international curriculum. Since Class J was 90 percent girls, the vibe there was a little different from all the other, normal classes, almost like a girls' school. If you're close enough when you walk by them, they smell nice—well, it's a mix of a lot of smells, and it makes me feel a little sick. Also, in winter, they tend to wear their gym pants under their skirts and fool around by rolling up one another's skirts, which is pretty entertaining to watch from afar.
I'm sure Yukinoshita's class shares a sense of comfort, familiarity, or ease, since it's all the same sex. Or maybe you could say it's easier to form cliques. That's one plus of not having the eyes of the opposite sex on you.
Guys are so worried about how girls see them, it tends to make them act weird. Like Tobe and friends and their gorilla drumming in the classroom the other day, or the bad-boy act. You might also be able to include M-2 types in that category. Oh, of course, this includes me. And I'm sure it's probably similar for girls.
In fact, Yukinoshita must have experienced this plenty in her life. When you put pubescent boys and girls together in one classroom, stuff happens—between boys and girls, and among the boys and the girls, too. Stuff happens in life. Which is why we have pensions.
"Agh. Man, I wish our school could've gone to Okinawa or something," Yuigahama said, sitting on the edge of her seat and looking at the ceiling.
"I don't know about going at this time of year… I wouldn't really recommend it," Yukinoshita replied, turning to gaze out the window. The cold wind made everything sound bleak. Even on the southern island of Okinawa, you couldn't expect to have fun in the ocean, or shii or marin or whatever they call it in English, at this time of year.
"Really? But there's nothing to do in Kyoto, y'know? All they have there is temples and shrines. We have that stuff in our neighborhood… Like, we can go to the Inage Sengen shrine whenever…"
Classic Yuigahama. The remark made my head hurt. Yukinoshita must have felt the same way, as she was lightly pressing her temples. "You have absolutely no sense of the weight of history or cultural value, do you?" she muttered, then sighed.
Yuigahama immediately went on the defensive. "I mean, I don't even know what we would do at a temple…"
Well, it's not like I didn't get at all what she was saying. If you don't have any interest in temples or shrines, it must be boring as hell. Most teenagers probably don't find themselves interacting with any of that stuff aside from major life events like weddings or New Year's.
"There are plenty of things to do. And more importantly, this trip isn't for fun. Of course, there's the history, and we also have the opportunity to see and touch our nation's culture directly—"
"I don't think that's what these trips are about," I interrupted Yukinoshita's opining.
"Oh. Well then, what exactly is their purpose?" Yukinoshita shot me a belligerent look, suggesting she was irritated by the interruption.
That's a little scary, ma'am. But unflinchingly, I continued, "In my opinion…it's a chance to practice life as adults in society."
"…I see. True, we do use the Shinkansen and other public transportation, and stay at hotels…" Yukinoshita folded her arms, her eyes shifting up and to the right in thought.
But I wasn't done yet. "You're forced to go on a business trip you don't want to go on, and at your destination, you're forced to meet some higher-ups you don't want to see. You're not the one choosing where you stay or what you eat for dinner, either. On top of that, when you go sightseeing, you've got to appease people, smother your own opinions, and conform in all sorts of little ways. You have to make do with the money you've got as you consider all the little compulsory details, like, Well, I'll get a souvenir around this price for that one person, but I don't have to get anything for that other guy, I guess. Field trips teach you all these lessons. It's like training for how to deceive yourself into thinking the world can be fun in its own way when you compromise, even though it will never go how you want," I finished.
Yuigahama gave me the most pitiful look. "Whoa, your field trips sound miserable…"
"I sincerely doubt the organizers are putting together the travel itinerary from such a pessimistic perspective," Yukinoshita said with some bafflement.
"Oh!" Yuigahama said, as if she'd hit on something. "B-but you know, even if you're right about that, Hikki, it's still up to us how we enjoy it, right?"
"Uh, well, I guess…" It's true; no matter what sort of curriculum or quota is levied upon you, how you take it is a matter of individual choice.
I was on my way to being convinced by Yuigahama's counterargument when suddenly, Yukinoshita smiled. "Indeed. I'm sure even you're looking forward to something, aren't you, Hikigaya?"
"I guess…" Like sharing a room with Totsuka, or a bath with Totsuka, or eating with Totsuka… Yeah, okay, there were some things I was looking forward to a little bit.
"Hikki, is there anything you're excited about?" Yuigahama asked.
"Oh, well, I do like Kyoto to begin with, you know," I replied.
Yukinoshita's eyes widened. "That's surprising. I assumed you were all about throwing tradition and formality in the trash."
…What an awful way to phrase it. Whatever. I've gotten used to all that.
"To humanities types who enjoy Japanese history and language, it's a holy land." If we're talking historical novels, you have the works of Ryotaro Shiba, and in more recent general literature, there's The Tatami Galaxy. When you're into those things, you do develop some interest in the city of Kyoto.
"Anyway," I continued, "being unable to go where you want is a defining feature of field trips. Eventually, I'll go on my own."
"Isn't traveling by yourself kinda lonely?" Yuigahama murmured.
Naw, I think traveling solo is pretty fun. You're not forced to accommodate others, which is enough to make it more comfortable all on its own.
I wasn't the only one thinking along these lines. Yukinoshita dipped her head in acknowledgment. "Not at all. If you go alone, you can take your time sightseeing. I think it would be enjoyable."
"Yeah, yeah. And the best part is that you can really bask in the feel of everything. If you try to watch the rock garden in Ryouan-ji Temple with a crowd of loud high school kids in the background, you might just pick up one of the rocks to smash open some heads."
"Obviously, I wouldn't do that… It's a World Heritage site after all." Yukinoshita was disgusted—for relatively academic reasons. Not much of a humanist, this one.
"What about you guys?" I asked. "Anywhere you want to go, or things you want to do?"
"I haven't looked into it at all yet, but I'm thinking I might wanna see Kiyomizu-dera Temple. It's famous and stuff."
"Someone sure likes bandwagons…"
Yuigahama was just being Yuigahama, and I replied before I even thought about it. She pouted a little, puffing up her cheeks.
"What's wrong with that? Oh, and I wanna see Kyoto Tower."
"We have basically the same thing in Chiba."
"That's the Port Tower!"
They've got similar names, don't they? Though actually, the names are about all that's similar about them.
You really do end up more attached to your home region. I love the Port Tower. Though they don't do fireworks shows there anymore, so there aren't many opportunities to check it out.
But then Yukinoshita had to put a damper on my local loyalties. "If we're talking Port Towers, the one in Kobe is more famous, though."
"That's fine. Chiba's is taller."
"I have no idea what you mean by fine…" Yukinoshita gently touched her temple as if to push back a headache.
"So, Yukinoshita. What about you?" I asked her.
She paused a moment to consider. "Me…? Well, you already mentioned the rock garden in Ryouan-ji Temple, and Yuigahama brought up Kiyomizu-dera Temple, but I'd also like to visit some other famous spots like Rokuon-ji and Jishou-ji Temples."
I think that was a string of unfamiliar words to Yuigahama. She just blinked. "Rokuonji Anjishouji…?"
"Don't mix them all together… Oh, hey, it kinda makes for a cool character name!" Rokuonji Anjishouji. He'd probably be a monk character with superpowers—that's how it feels anyway.
"The names Kinkaku-ji and Ginkaku-ji might be more well-known, generally."
"Y-you coulda just said that!" said Yuigahama. "Oh, but I'm going to the Kinkaku-ji Temple. Yumiko wants to go see it."
"Yeah, that temple sure suits her perfectly…" It fit my mental image of the glamorous Miura to a T.
As I was imagining the queen bee jangling with golden decorations, Yukinoshita continued, "And the Philosopher's Walk, too. It's supposed to be nice during cherry blossom season, but I think it would be lovely when the leaves are changing as well. Also, some temples and shrines allow special nighttime visits, so if the schedule permits, I'd like to go…but it may not be possible to go out at night on a school field trip." Yukinoshita was gushing.
Yuigahama gave her a questioning look. "You know a lot about this…"
"What are you, a travel magazine?" She's really too excited about this…
"It's nothing, really… This information about Kyoto is within the scope of common knowledge." Yukinoshita jerked her face away grumpily and reached out to her magazine. Wait, now that I got a good look at it, her reading material was, in fact, the travel magazine Jalan.
It was unusual to see Yukinoshita so innocently looking forward to something, though.
Right as I quietly turned away in an effort to smother my smile before it escaped, my eyes met with Yuigahama's, and she had the exact same look. That just made it funnier, and I couldn't suppress a little snicker.
"…What's the matter?"
"Nothing at all!"
As Yukinoshita glowered icily, Yuigahama frantically waved her hands in an attempt to distract her. But that wasn't enough for Yukinoshita to let it drop, and the frigid glare remained.
"Ah…ah-ha-ha-ha…" Yuigahama laughed pathetically until something occurred to her. "So anyway, Yukinon, let's go look at stuff together on the last day."
Yukinoshita tilted her head. "Together?"
"Yeah, together!" Yuigahama flashed her a bright smile.
However, Yukinoshita was still thinking. Quietly, she began to speak, and I could predict what she was about to say. "But…" "She's not in our class." I beat her to the punch.
But Yuigahama nodded carelessly. "I know. But the third day is a free day, so I can call you up, and we can hang out in Kyoto!" "I'm not certain it's that free…," said Yukinoshita.
"Huh? It'll be fine, won't it? I don't really know, though."
She doesn't even think about these things…
But maybe on the third day I could just drift wherever my whims took me and say I was making the most of my free day. I've always wanted to go to the ruins of the Shinsengumi headquarters or the Ikedaya Inn. Though I hear the Ikedaya isn't there anymore, and now it's a pub. If I went on a tour of the historical sites, I'd be the only one getting excited.
As I was ruminating, Yuigahama moved the conversation along without me. "Of course, only if it fits your schedule. How 'bout it?"
"…I don't mind."
"All right! Then we're set!"
Yukinoshita quietly looked away, while Yuigahama beamed and scooched her chair closer to Yukinoshita's.
Friendship is beautiful, I guess. Well, if they could enjoy themselves on this field trip even though they're in different classes, I suppose I couldn't complain.
"And you too, Hikki! Let's go someplace together!"
"Hmm, uh…" Yuigahama large eyes flicked my way for an instant. I wasn't expecting to hear that right then, and I found myself unable to reply.
As I considered how exactly to respond, the silence was broken by a knock on the door.
"Come in," Yukinoshita responded, and the door opened.
Our visitors were not who you'd expect. Actually, the only people who ever came to this clubroom were people you didn't expect, or people I didn't want to be here at all… People who'd fit in here, or whose presence would seem right, or who would otherwise fall within the category of those I'd expect, never seemed to come.
But this time, it was fair to say that even among the unexpected, these were some of the least expected.
It was Hayama, and behind him, Tobe, Yamato, and Ooka.
A very surprising quartet. I don't know if they're actually close, but they appeared to be a friendly foursome.
Hayama had come here a few times before, so he acted like he knew how this whole thing went, but the other three were looking around the clubroom with curiosity.
Then their eyes stopped on me.
They didn't have to bother with saying anything aloud for me to tell what they were thinking. All of them were wearing the same baffled expression. They all looked at one another, then back at me again.
But I couldn't take them to task for their rude looks—I'm sure I was staring back at them in just the same way. Why the hell are these guys here?
Of course, I wasn't the only one with that question. It seemed Yukinoshita and Yuigahama were equally baffled. "Do you need something?" Yukinoshita said in a mildly chilly tone, and Yuigahama gave a couple of nods in agreement.
Hayama glanced at Tobe as if to check with him. For some reason, Tobe kept fidgeting with his hair, brushing it up at the back of his neck and tugging at it. Kinda gross.
"Yes, I brought the guys because we have a consultation for you…" Hayama sounded like he was distancing himself from the situation— basically, he wasn't doing the consulting himself, but one of his lackeys had some issue.
"Go on, Tobe."
"Out with it!"
Prompted by the two guys beside him, Tobe opened his mouth, but all that came out was a groan as he contemplated. "Mmrrgh…"
Huh? What? Myrrh? Are you planning on embalming someone?
After what seemed to be some deep thought, by Tobe standards, he shook his head. Thanks to his long hair, the gesture reminded me of a sopping-wet stray dog. "Uh, actually, forget it! I'm not gonna ask
Hikitani for anything!"
…Huh? The hell? Are you tryin' to pick out a brand-new fight from the Hikitani rack here, eh?
Though my heart is a peaceful one, I felt as if the rage was about to give me an awakening, but with a few deep breaths, I stealthily let it out. After calming myself somewhat, I glanced around to see Yamato and Ooka with little smiles that said, Oh, you're so hopeless, while Hayama was breathing a short sigh. Yuigahama's mouth hung open, while Yukinoshita's was in a tight line.
A moment of silence.
The silence felt strange, like a creepy-crawly feeling in your butt that makes it impossible to sit still, and the one to break it was Hayama. "Tobe. We're the ones who came here with a request."
"Well, I mean, y'know, I can't talk about this sorta thing to Hikitani. Trust score zero, man!"
I found myself discovering an unexpected drawback to being recognized—which in my case meant being hated.
The person who was supposed to have come with a request wasn't saying anything, which created more silence. So when Yuigahama spoke, though it was quiet, I could hear her just fine.
"Geez…"
Thank you for going to the trouble to voice my inner feelings out loud. But, Yuigahama, hearing that from you feels so unsettling. What's up?
"Do you have to say it like that, Tobecchi? You could at least be nicer about it," she said.
"I mean, but, like…"
I was grateful she was telling him off, but getting into conflict here wasn't gonna help her any.
I wondered what I should do now, but Yukinoshita came up with the answer first. "I see. Well, the problem is with Hikigaya, so there's no way around that. Why am I not surprised…? So, I'm sorry, but could you leave?"
Well, she was right. If Tobe was saying he couldn't talk with me around, it was best for me to go. "All right, once you've done your stuff, call me or whatever." I started to get up.
But Yukinoshita stopped me. "Wait. Where are you going?"
"Huh? You just said…" I looked at her and saw her eyes were shifting slowly from me over to Tobe and the others.
"They're the ones who will be leaving."
"Huh?" Tobe squawked. He and his friends were now just as frozen as I was.
But Yukinoshita didn't care one bit as she continued, "There's no need for us to listen to a request from people with no manners and no sense for common courtesy. You may leave at your earliest convenience." Her tone was the same as always, that Yukinoshitalike extreme composure. But her expression was somewhat colder than usual, and her frozen gaze pierced Tobe.
"This is kinda awkward…" Yuigahama's stinging remark just made it even more agonizing.
I was stuck getting halfway out of my seat during that whole frozen moment, and it was starting to make my back sore.
I sort of wanted them to make up their minds about who would leave.
Could everyone just leave instead, and we'd all call it a day? No?
"…Well, this is our fault. Tobe, let's come back another time. Or maybe we should just resolve this ourselves," Hayama said with some resignation, breathing a sigh of relief.
Yeah, yeah, just keep your mouth shut and leave.
But Hayama's remark became the trigger that unfroze Tobe. Once he was moving again, he started combing up the hair at the back of his neck again. "Come on, I can't back out now… Besides, I told Hikitani about it before, during summer vacation, so I should just come out and say it."
"…All right." Seeing Tobe's determination, Hayama backed down.
I was a little surprised Tobe didn't listen to Hayama's attempt to stop him, but this was kind, noble, righteous Hayama here. He might have just done it to gauge how serious Tobe was. At his core, Hayama was the sort who would support his friends and push them along, so of course he would do something like that. I guess. I couldn't understand the guy.
I don't know whether Hayama was doing this to be considerate or not, but either way, it hadn't worked on Tobe. He still seemed to be having a hard time spitting it out, though.
Agh, if you're not gonna say it, you can leave, you know?
"Um…" Finally able to spit something out, Tobe wavered. There wasn't much to be curious about here, but everyone was quietly listening.
"Um…"
You're still not gonna say it? You're really dragging this out. Are we on a variety show?
Why do they always have to stick multiple commercial breaks in these moments? And once you think the ads are finally done, it's starts up again from right before the reveal. Are they time leaping? This is why I hardly watch anything but anime anymore.
"Um, actually…" After taking his sweet time, Tobe finally started talking. "I think…Ebina's…pretty cool, you know? And, well, I kinda wanna clinch it during this trip."
About half of that was code—actually, he was talking almost entirely in implications.
"For real?!" Yuigahama's eyes sparkled. My reaction was a little like hers.
Oh-ho, so he was serious about what he said during the summer camp in Chiba Village. Because of this prior information I had, I got what Tobe was trying to say even though he was speaking in allusions, but Yukinoshita tilted her head in a questioning gesture.
She appeared to have no idea what this was about, so Yuigahama whispered into her ear. Yukinoshita made listening noises as Yuigahama told her, but then she stopped suddenly. And then, with a complicated expression on her face, she tilted her head.
Might as well summarize the gist of it myself, then. "So you mean, like…you're saying you want to tell her how you feel and start dating her?" I asked Tobe, putting it in terms that might be a little embarrassing for a pubescent boy.
Tobe swept up his hair again, turned to me, and pointed at me. "Yeah, yeah, basically. But it'd be pretty harsh to get rejected. Glad you get my drift, Hikitani."
Well, he changed his tune quickly… Oh well, that's the kind of guy he is. He had told me about this stuff during the summer camp after all.
But still…
"Hmph. So you don't wanna get rejected, huh?"
Don't be so naive. Being rejected, rebuffed, and dumped is a part of life. Once you enter the workforce, you'll have jobs with no apparent meaning dumped on you, and some of them will make you go, Is this even my job? So yeah, get used to dumping now.
This is so lame, I thought, putting my face down on my desk with my right arm as my pillow.
Yukinoshita, who was within my field of vision, was slightly nonplussed. She put her hand to her mouth, pondering.
Just one person there seemed ready to bite: Yuigahama.
Her chair scraped as she hopped up and leaned forward on her desk with deep interest. Her eyes were sparkling with enthusiasm for this juicy bit of romantic gossip that had fallen so suddenly into her lap. "Come on! Like, this stuff is really nice! I'll cheer you on!"
Meanwhile, Yukinoshita seemed to have fallen into thought. "What does one do, specifically, for a date…?"
You don't even know that? I thought, but I guess I didn't really know, either. Glaze them with syrup, maybe?
It seemed the other two already meant to accept the request, but I wasn't really into it.
Trying to get people to help you with this is a mistake to begin with.
You hear about it everywhere from elementary school to high school, but I've never witnessed a single instance of other people helping that actually worked out. Generally, they get some laughs out of it, and then it's over. If you try to talk to someone about it, they'll very often turn it into a joke. Or into leverage the moment you have some minor fight, even if that wasn't their initial intent, or a bargaining chip to find out someone else's crush. You really can't underestimate elementary school–level information warfare.
That was why I really didn't want to engage in any cooperation or support. I mean, it kinda reminds me of a painful past, you know.
When my reluctance started to show, Hayama turned the discussion to me, wearing a similarly wry smile. "I guess it's not that simple after all."
"Well…" Not knowing how to react, I quietly looked away. And my eyes met with Yukinoshita's.
She was tilting her head as if to say, What do you think?
I gave a little shake of my head with a double helping of rottenness in my eyes to reply, No way…
Yukinoshita gave a little nod of recognition and said, "Sorry, but it doesn't seem we can help you." "Nope," I agreed.
And so it was over.
"…Okay. Well, of course." Hayama nodded in acceptance, his gaze coming to a halt at his feet.
It would be conceited to believe we could help with anything and everything. After all, our position isn't so different from those who come to consult with us. Hayama might feel the same way.
The realm of impossibility is greater than that of possibility; it's the way of the world. Indeed, it is truly regrettable, but we cannot be of any use. Yes, um, truly regrettable. I mean, I'm not in possession of a girlfriend myself, so, well, uh, I think it's a rather difficult problem.
But one of us wasn't convinced of this, so…
"Huh?! Why not? Let's help him!" Yuigahama persisted, tugging at Yukinoshita's blazer. At a loss, Yukinoshita glanced at me, and Yuigahama followed suit. Now both of them were staring at me.
Hold on here. Don't try to force the decision on me… I just said we can't!
Tobe must have realized what those looks meant, as he took a step forward and grinned at me. "Hikitani… No—Hikitani, sir! Do me a solid!"
Hey, hey, hey, the politeness fix just makes it even ruder. And you're still getting my name wrong.
"Look, he's asking you!"
"C'mon."
Ooka and Yamato served as Tobe's smiling reinforcements. I always end up in the minority position every time, don't I?
"It does look like Tobecchi needs help, Yukinon."
"…Well, if you insist, I suppose we can consider it."
Yuigahama implored with moist eyes, and Yukinoshita capitulated.
Pardon me, Miss Yukinoshita, but you're being too easy on her these days.
So now, I could be the squeaky wheel going No, I don't wanna, but it wasn't gonna do anything. No matter when, no matter where, once you're outvoted, you're done for. Though the opinions of the minority might be respected, they can never make the decisions. I learned that as a member of elementary school society. I'd be forced to give in now, too. "Then I guess we do it…"
"Yuss! Thanks a bunch! Major thanks, Yui, Yukinoshita!" Tobe crowed.
Hey. And me. There's me… What about me?
Oh, whatever. It wasn't like I was doing it because I wanted to be thanked. I was just doing it because it was my job.
And my policy was that if I was going to do something, I'd try to do it at least kinda right. I wouldn't put in 100 percent, but I'd exert enough effort for a passing grade. I'd recently gained the spirit of the corporate slave after being on the committee for the last cultural festival. I'd try hard enough that I wouldn't be fired.
"Okay, so," I said, "what do you want us to do, specifically?"
"Well, like I said, I'm gonna be confessing, right? So, like, you basically play wingman?"
The moment he said the word confessing, Yuigahama put her hand to her mouth and let out a breathy "Yeek!" I was sorry to be thinking this when she was getting all excited about it, but I did not think this would end well. And also, I said specifically. Give me a specific reply.
"Well, I get how you feel," I said. "Actually, it's all I get. But listen, Tobe. Maybe it's mean to say this, but isn't this a risukii thing to do?" I said, using the English word.
Tobe momentarily stopped tugging at his hair. "Risukii? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's risukii. Risukii."
Does he actually understand what that means? It's not cat food, you know? It wasn't the nickname for Littbarski when he was playing for JEF, either.
I wasn't sure how much Tobe understood, but I was even more dubious about Yuigahama. She spun around toward me to ask, "What do you mean, risukii?"
"Risuku. Risk. English for danger, the possibility of suffering loss," Yukinoshita explained like a Pokédex.
"I get what it means, you know! I'm asking what sort of risks there are!"
Yukinoshita was unfazed by Yuigahama's huffing outburst. Perhaps she knew Yuigahama knew and was teasing her…
Well, like they say, you teach me, and I'll teach you—I had to explain this from square one. "Well, first of all, you're confessing, right? Then you get rejected, right?"
"You're assuming she's gonna say no?!"
"You fool. That's not all. What comes next is already set in stone."
Yuigahama's yelp of surprise came too early. The rejection would just be the beginning. There's more that comes after. You might think you're at rock bottom right now, but in life, there's always another bottom beneath rock bottom. Yes, you can fall forever…
"The day after your confession, the whole class will inevitably know about it. That wouldn't be so bad, if it ended there. But you know…you'll hear them talking, here and there:
"'I hear Hikigaya confessed to Kaori yesterday.' "'Whoa, poor Kaori.' (Like, why poor Kaori?)
"'And via text, too!'
"'Whaaat? Someone's got no guts. Geez, via text? Who does that?'
"'Right?'
"'I'm glad I never gave him my number.'
"'Nobody's gonna confess to you, so you'll be okay (lol).'
"'Whaaat? That's so mean! (lol).'
"…People will throw it into their pleasant little conversations, and then you'll feel the sting when you happen to overhear it. That's the risk," I finished. That's what gets you while you're down. Right when you're suffering from a broken heart, you get social assassination, too.
"This was about you again, Hikki…," Yuigahama muttered quietly.
Why even bother saying that at this point? I wouldn't know anything about other people. When I talk, it's generally about myself.
Oh, this is no good. When I start talking about myself, I can't help going on and on. Phew~. I'm tired (lol).
Perhaps my fervent speech was too much. The entire room had gone silent.
"…Do you get it?" I asked, for emphasis.
Yukinoshita put her hand to her forehead and sighed. "That was because it was you, Hikigaya."
"Hey, personally, I think it's a common experience for middle schoolers."
But apparently, it was not for Tobe. My explanation was in vain, and indeed, the fine gentleman did not take what I had to say seriously, no, not in the least.
"Okay, okay, then I'm fine as long as I don't confess via text, right? Besides, guys like me don't care what other people say. It doesn't bother me." Tobe jerked his thumb firmly at himself, and Ooka and Yamato piggybacked on that.
"Man, you're so cool, Tobe. Gonna tell her face-to-face!"
"Like a man."
"Come on, a guy's gotta do it that way!" Tobe said, but he was blushing a bit, too.
Could you please not…?
Sorry to butt in when you're acting all shy, Tobe, but the so-called risks go beyond the aforementioned. "…Well, it's not only that."
"There's more…?" Yuigahama cut in, sounding like she'd just about had it.
"Of course. There's lots of other risks. For example, when you confess your love for a friend, you're risking your ongoing relationship."
"Come on, now, we already knew that." Hayama dropped a hand on my shoulder to cut me off, like he was trying to console me. "…I get it, so we'll manage that part," he said.
All I could do in response was nod in silence. I was sure Hayama had always handled himself socially way better than someone like me did. So then I figured I didn't have to worry about it.
But looking up at his face, he didn't have his usual smile. He was watching the three idiots with an expression that had a somehow sorrowful edge to it.
"Well, I have practice, so sorry, but I'm counting on you to handle the rest… Don't stay too late, Tobe," Hayama said, leaving the clubroom.
"Oh, I'm going, too."
"I have club, too."
Ooka and Yamato followed after him. It seemed they'd simply come to accompany Tobe and weren't planning to help us come up with ideas. This is what you call "dumping it on someone else."
"Roger, roger, I'll come soon!" Tobe replied to the three of them casually and then turned back to face me. "So, let's rock this."
And what exactly do you want me to rock? This town? Your world? Around the clock?
"Okay, but what should we even do about this…?" Yukinoshita muttered, at a loss.
Indeed, we had basically no know-how in the realm of the loveydovey. Maybe he just picked the wrong people here. There had to be any number of others who would be better suited for the job.
"Tobe, why are you coming to us about this?" I asked.
"Huh? Oh, well, you know. You guys are Hayato's top rec, right?"
"Not really… Isn't this sort of Hayama's area of expertise?" I said.
Tobe's head drooped a little. "Oh, well, it's like, y'know. He's a really good guy… And he's good-looking, right? So he doesn't really have problems with this stuff…"
I understood what Tobe was trying to say. Just as people crack jokes about what hot guys can get away with, you can assume from appearances that Hayama has not, in fact, ever worried about this. It might be difficult for Tobe to share his distress with a classy babe magnet when you can just feel the effort they're putting in to actually win girls over.
Hayama is an attractive guy, the kind anyone would recognize whether they wanted to or not. I think he's so attractive, you can't help but say Whoa!
And I'm not just talking about his face or looks. He's upbeat and considerate, and it seems as if basically nobody hates him.
But that's exactly why. That inability to hate him might be the reason you want to distance yourself from him. When someone is so inarguably perfect, their existence itself is a deadly weapon.
Maybe Yukinoshita was on that dimension, too, as someone fundamentally equal to Hayama. But for better or for worse, she's a jerk. She says and does things that ruin her utterly perfect qualities.
However, it's fair to call Hayama perfect in personality as well. He's not only good-looking, he's sociable, he's smart, and he's expressive. He has too many positive traits to count.
That's why he brings with him a form of torture.
Because when someone is excellent and amazing compared with anyone, that includes you. You don't have a choice; you're forced to recognize where you're inferior and flawed.
That's why, if you were to try to come up with a flaw of his, that would be it.
Even watching him from afar, you can tell. Maybe people who have seen him up close would feel it even more strongly.
Yuigahama put on a bit of a wry smile, too. "Hmm… It's true Hayato doesn't seem like he'd have these problems." "Right?" Tobe agreed.
Yukinoshita nodded in response, too, and then gave me a brilliant, beaming smile. "I see. So that's why you came to consult with Hikigaya."
"Hey, you're making it sound like I'm having some massive struggle with relationships," I snapped back. She said that with such a sweet look on her face.
But Yukinoshita and Yuigahama both looked away.
"…Pff."
"Agh…"
Yukinoshita breathed a short, pitying sigh, while Yuigahama agreed with a deploring sigh of her own. And then the two of them went silent.
"Don't go quiet and look away. You're just making it seem even worse."
As my mood spiraled steadily downward, Tobe patted me on the shoulder. "Well, so anyway, glad to have your help, Hikitani." …Still getting my name wrong.
3 Kakeru Tobe is just hopelessly shallow.
The day after Tobe came to consult with us, we decided to analyze his request in detail and discuss how we would deal with it.
Frankly, I wasn't really enthusiastic.
I mean, other peoples' problems—relationship-wise—are just stupid to me, and the one to come in with this request was Tobe, besides. So of course it'd be hard for me to get excited.
In brief, here's what he was asking:
He was going to tell Ebina he had a crush on her, so he wanted us backing him up.
Come on… Right from the get-go, his request was flaky and thin, kinda like an ad for some new kind of pastry.
And so, after hearing his request the day before, we were now at the next stage, considering what we should do.
Yukinoshita rapped the edge of a stack of some nearby papers on her desk a couple of times to even them out, then turned back to us. "Right, then. For now, let's begin by reviewing our situation. Then we'll gather information and consider how to handle this."
Hmm, a Yukinoshita-like approach. But I was a little uneasy. I mean, in sports manga, the data-collection character always looks good at first but ends up losing.
"First, I suppose we'll start with what we know about Tobe," she continued.
"Yeah, all right," I said. "As the ancients said, know thine enemy, know thyself, and you'll give up on a hundred battles." "So you're giving up…?" said Yuigahama.
I mean, I do actually think we should… I mean, I doubt this is gonna work for him. Half sighing, I glanced over at the guy sitting beside me.
"Well then, a simple self-introduction," Yukinoshita prompted, and Tobe grinned.
"Yeah. Kakeru Tobe, Class 2-F. I'm in the soccer club." Tobe, who'd come to the Service Club room all excited, was now slouching in his chair as he joined our conversation. Well, if we were going to be gathering information about him, it was fastest to ask the guy in question.
"You don't have to go to club?" I inquired.
"It's totally fine. The old captain's already retired, so now the club captain's Hayato. I'm good."
Taking a lot of things for granted there, aren't you? Eh-heh-heh.
"Let's look for some positive qualities you can emphasize," said Yukinoshita. "If you can communicate them in a more effective way, I think Ebina will take notice."
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, ding. Time's up.
In silence, we all used up our thinking time, when Tobe went "Ah!" and raised his hand.
Yes, Tobe. Please tell us.
"…I'm friends with Hayato."
"Aaand he immediately piggybacks on someone else…," Yuigahama muttered, sounding somewhat exasperated.
Well, it's hard to come up with your own positive attributes on the spot—unless you're amazing like me, with just so many virtues.
In that case, it would be best to ask someone who was pretty familiar with him. "Can't you come up with something, Yuigahama?" I asked.
Yuigahama folded her arms in a thinking pose and hmm'd. When she finally hit on something, she clapped her hands. "Um, like, how he's always so bright and sunshiny?"
"If shining was enough to make people like you, bald guys would be super-popular." Also, you'd expect people to be fond of light bulbs, too. But now that I think about it, Pikachu is super-popular, so maybe if you got a Shiny one and put it on your head, the masses would flock to you. Or maybe not.
But anyway, maybe sometimes things aren't apparent to you precisely because they're so close. So maybe next, it'd be best to delve into his finer qualities by examining how he was seen from afar instead. "What about you, Yukinoshita?" I asked.
"Hmm…," Yukinoshita considered, putting a hand to her chin. "Obnoxious…? No… Loud? He's loud, so…perhaps his liveliness." She gave a bright smile at the end, but she'd completely exposed her thought process in getting to that point.
"…Okay, I get it." I now knew she would never, ever give anyone a compliment.
She must have been unsatisfied with my reaction, as she then turned the question to me. "Why don't you think about it?"
"Hey, you can't squeeze out what isn't there."
"…What isn't there is your motivation."
I think what's really missing is an interest in Tobe, though. But I'd feel bad about saying that, so I decided to keep my mouth shut. In fact, I had quite a lot of confidence in my ability to maintain a lack of interest in things, so saying something would be just making trouble.
But, well, we wouldn't be getting anywhere if I simply said I wasn't interested. So I decided to consider the matter seriously for a moment—consider meaning "make shit up" or something similar in this context. I didn't really know much about Tobe in the first place. Heck, I'd only just learned that his given name was Kakeru.
Anyway, if I had to describe him, well, what you see is what you get.
If you were to ask Hayama, he would say, He comes off like a tough guy, but he's actually really good at setting an upbeat mood. He's a good guy.
But ask Yukinoshita, and he'd be a frivolous party-type who had no talents aside from being loud.
Well, my evaluation would be basically that. There were no standout incidents for me to bring up, and I couldn't detect any trait that would form the core of his personality. He was unquestionably a background NPC.
I'm sure the above impression is a superficial evaluation of his type.
But now I knew more about him—at least, more than I did at the beginning of second year, when I only saw him as one of Hayama's hangers-on—thanks to that hot summer night together under the same roof. Though putting it that way may invite some misunderstandings, we did go to summer camp together and stuff. Based on those experiences, I'd try to make a guess.
He'd show off because he wanted a girl to like him, he'd take steps toward accomplishing his goal of getting a girlfriend, and when he had a crush, he'd feel jealous of his friends.
That kinda guy.
That's not gonna be useful. That's just Basic Boy A. You can find him anywhere.
The fact of the matter was that of all the people I knew, the most normal, the most regular, the most ordinary and mediocre, might just be Tobe.
I do consider myself a fairly typical high school student with a healthy dose of common sense, possessed of enough good instincts that they call me (well, I call myself) the Conscience of Chiba. But Tobe reached a level of normalness that frightened even me.
Tl;dr—Tobe was worthless.
Even after comprehensive analysis, I couldn't think of any positive traits in him.
I had nothing, but Yukinoshita and Yuigahama were silently pressing me, and Tobe was eyeing me hopefully like this time I'd say something nice for sure.
"Tobe's positive traits…are not what I'd be looking for. Actually, I think it might be faster for him to fit Ebina's tastes. Like, I'm sure she has a type, probably."
I wasn't exactly in a position to be looking down upon the little people and describing their fortes, so I chose to nudge the conversation in a different direction. It was more constructive to think about this realistically instead of focusing on something that didn't exist, right?!
"Ohhh, okay," Yuigahama agreed—surprisingly, since I'd come up with that one out of desperation. Good, good. I rather like simple souls.
Yukinoshita nodded, indicating this sounded good to her, too. "You mean to target her weakness, hmm? Impressive as always. You are peerless when it comes to using underhanded methods."
"That's a really weird compliment…" I wasn't glad to hear that at all. In fact, the compliment was rather suspect.
"So then what is Ebina into?" I asked.
Ebina is also a young lady just beginning to bloom, and for such a girl, this is the age when they're in love with love. She should be just like a flower, a proper young lady. And of course, young women enjoy talking about crushes with one another.
I looked expectantly at Yuigahama, but she avoided my gaze. "Um…well, in Hina's case…it's less about what kind of guys she likes, and more that she likes guys together…"
…Well, you know, even a corpse flower is still a flower. And as they say, even if it's rotten, it's still good fish. Or actually, is it the rotting that makes her Ebina?
"Well, I guess I'd call that side of her, like…unique? Eccentric? It works for her, y'know?"
Ohhh, how admirable, Tobe. You really defended her. I guess this is why they say "love is blind."
But he did defend her, which must mean he had a real affection for her. I'd probably lose my mind with rage if someone were to speak badly of Totsuka or Komachi, too, so he must feel something close to that.
It seemed the others could get a vague sense of it, too, as Yukinoshita gave an approving nod. But then she tilted her head again. "Tobe's feelings aside…what does she think of you?"
"I—I dunno." Yuigahama seemed uncomfortable with Yukinoshita's direct question.
Whoops, and there's your answer. That question was so easy, I was mentally betting on Super Hitoshi.
"Oh man, I'm uriouscay as ellhay about that." Tobe suddenly leaned forward, ready to go.
"…Listen, Tobe," I said. "This is basically going to be like…the Final Judgment."
"Come on, I have to hear this, or I can't get anywhere, right?"
"O-okay…"
Right, then. The answer, please, Yuigahama.
She looked at us, and her words caught in her throat with an ulp. "…I think, maybe, she thinks of you as a good person," Yuigahama said, gently averting her eyes.
Ngh… The tears… A good person.
When a girl calls you that, it basically always means "good to ignore," or at best, "good to use." In other words, it meant he essentially had zero chance.
But Tobe was the one person in the room smiling as if he were certain of his victory as he slowly muttered, "…That's a positive assessment, right?"
The only positive thing here is your mind-set. Or your test results for being clinically short a few screws. I came up with numerous remarks to lambaste him with but, unfortunately, absolutely no ideas.
Tobe is aggressively idiotic, far more than I imagined.
"B-but look, she doesn't hate you, so that's a good thing, right?" Yuigahama desperately attempted to support him, but resignation was already swirling in the air between me and Yukinoshita.
"There's a limit to our capabilities," Yukinoshita said.
"The barrier between Tobe and Ebina is just too big, you know?" I agreed.
As was apparent, Tobe was an excitable character, the frivolous type. Ebina, on the other hand, was a modest, sweet pervert.
But in this situation, the irregular individual was Ebina.
I think it's unusual for an out-and-out slash fangirl to be in the top caste. If a closeted one were in her position, I think she'd actually be pretty secretive about it. I hear there are more attractive, outgoing types at those sorts of events than you would think. Source: manga. I read it in 801-chan and Genshiken, so you know it's true.
Normally, Tobe and Ebina would have occupied different levels in the hierarchy. The clique Tobe associated with was fundamentally the cool one, the focus of attention. Ebina did have a pretty face, and she was cute in a mousy sort of way, but I think that definition of cute is a little off if we're comparing her with Miura.
Typically, I think she would be the secret object of affection for boys one rank lower than the top group on the social ladder, or those from middle ranks, or even boys of the lowest category, who hold on to the hope that maybe she would even go out with me? They'd think of her as the supercute girl noticed by no one else. There was a possibility that middle school Hachiman could have gotten a crush on someone like her.
But what destroyed this typical idea was the indomitable Yumiko Miura.
Yumiko had quite thoroughly, mercilessly, and passionately gathered the cutest girls around her to compose her clique. She chose what she wanted without ever questioning the differences between what made them attractive. Well, it was a little baffling that Kawasaki wasn't included there. She was pretty, too. If only she would fix the grumpy attitude and the brother complex.
Miura, the one who had created this nonstandard social situation, was, in a way, bound to become a key factor in this matter.
The moment the thought hit me, Yuigahama mentioned Miura. "Maybe it'd be best to get someone else to help, like Yumiko."
"Yeah," I agreed. "It's like they always say. If you want to shoot the general, first, give up."
"You're still giving up?!"
I'd stunned Yuigahama again, but, well, I actually had a reason. "We should give up on that angle… I mean, I doubt Miura's going to help."
"H-hmm…but Yumiko's into this stuff."
"…Just drop it," I insisted, and Yuigahama looked at me with surprise.
I'd said it a little sharper than I'd meant to. I figured that in all probability, this request was not going to go well.
And when it went sour, it wasn't hard to imagine how Ebina would see it: Yuigahama and Miura would be the ones who pushed Tobe into it.
That's how it would end up, no matter what actually happened.
If Yuigahama was the only one involved, she could use the Service Club as her excuse. I figured the interference of outsiders like myself and Yukinoshita would be taken as an inevitability, providing cover for her. But if even Miura were to join in on this, the weak connection between her and the Service Club would place emphasis on Yuigahama's influence, and then Ebina might come to resent Yuigahama for it.
That would basically suck.
There was too little to be gained, and the risks weren't worth it.
"Well, anyway…just don't do it."
"Okay…then I won't." She didn't ask for an explanation. I was grateful for that. I didn't feel like I'd be able to present sound logic. It would have been stupid and annoying to spell out a detailed justification of what was nothing more than an emotional argument.
"But then we're at a complete stalemate." Yukinoshita breathed a short sigh, sounding a little tired.
Indeed, the indicators were pointing toward probable defeat. I couldn't see any positive signs. "Why don't you just give up?" I suggested to Tobe. I was sick of this.
In response, he flicked himself in the forehead and slumped his shoulders.
"Whoa! You're harsh, Hikitani. A real-deal nasty talker, just like Hayato says… But I know your game, y'know? You're just putting it on."
"Uh, I'm totally serious, though…"
But Tobe wasn't going to listen to what I said. He turned right back to me with no hesitation. "But, like, y'know what they always say. The opposite of love is indifference. So that means you're taking this real serious for me, right?"
E-eugh… He's so obnoxious… His brand of obnoxiousness was the polar opposite of Zaimokuza's.
I mean, obviously the opposite of love is hate.
Disinterest is just an inability to give an evaluation because you don't know someone, and once you know them, you're forced to categorize them as someone you like or hate. And once you categorized a person as hated, you'll pursue them and loathe them eternally for the purpose of their abuse. The opposites of love are loathing and the desire to kill.
Of course, Tobe couldn't tell what I was thinking, and he gazed out the window as he explained in fits and starts. "I'm…pretty serious… Yamato and Ooka are cheering me on, but I kinda feel like they're actually in it for the laughs…" He paused for a moment, then rubbed his nose like he was a little embarrassed. "So it actually feels kinda nice that you're seriously trying to stop me, y'know?"
"…"
That's not what's going on. You're not allowed to just decide this is positive, without any input from anyone else. Look, it's very much not like that. Could you not?
"And that's how Ebina can be, too. Sometimes she'll just randomly hit real deep. I guess you'd say she's not who she seems at first? That's the kinda thing that gets me. Agh, now that was an embarrassing thing to say! I'm being a creep!" Tobe fluffed up the hair at the back of his neck aggressively to cover his embarrassment.
Thank you for that gleeful and completely unasked-for explanation. Don't grin at me. Your hair is annoying. It's too long. Just get a damn haircut.
But…huh, he's actually been paying attention to what she's like.
I've spent many years observing people myself, which was why I'd gotten the vague inkling that Ebina wasn't just the cute girl she appeared to be.
She had something quietly hidden inside her, too.
Tobe hadn't yet reached the essence of that, but now I was sure he'd picked up on some things, since he'd been watching her all this time.
These are the thoughts that get you started, and then before you know it, you're following her with your eyes, which leads you to learn something new about her, and then your chest starts feeling hot. Anyone will have gone through that process…including me and Tobe.
Boys are so stupid. Even when they know it won't end well, that isn't enough reason for them to give up. Boys truly are dumb.
Exactly as I had once been, Tobe was a boy in love. He might have been a normie or top caste or whatever, but at his core, he was just a single-minded boy.
"Well, there's something to be said for giving it a shot, even if you know it won't work," I said. If he was going to make a serious go at this, I'd help. That was the founding idea for this club anyway.
"Hey, you gotta make it so it does work." Tobe put his hands together in a quick gesture of supplication.
I was shooing it away with a wave as if to say I get it, I get it when I heard the muffled vibration of a cell phone.
"Oh, that's mine. 'Sup… Huh? Oh, sorry, man! Coming now!" Tobe ended the call in a rush and snatched up his bag.
By the time Yuigahama asked, "What is it?" Tobe had already dashed to the door.
"Going to club now! The old captain said he was gonna come watch, so I gotta go, or I'm in trouble! See ya!" Before he even finished talking, he flung open the door and ran out.
Watching him go, Yukinoshita muttered, "He really is loud…" Once Tobe was gone, suddenly, the clubroom was quiet.
Now that the scene had once again turned calm, we all ended up at loose ends. Each of us vaguely reached out to whatever was nearby. Yukinoshita started preparing tea, while I pulled the paperback on the desk closer to me. Yuigahama flipped through the magazine in front of her.
Then Yuigahama's hands stopped, and her eyes were fixed on the page. Curious about her unusually serious reaction, I popped my head around my book to peek. "What're you looking at? …Oh, matchmaking shrines."
"I figured divine help could be a thing…um, for Tobecchi," Yuigahama replied, her eyes never leaving the magazine.
Having finished making the tea, Yukinoshita joined in. "There are lots of temples and shrines in Kyoto where you can have your relationships blessed, enough that there are tours just for that purpose. But praying for it? That's going a little far…"
"Yeah, it's like that saying: 'Divine resignation in the darkest of times.'" Instead of divine supplication? Divine resignation: giving up in a godly manner. Ha-ha, look, I'm giving up again… It's pretty lonely when you set up the joke and nobody else goes for the punchline.
As I was mulling over this, I glanced over at Yuigahama to see that, for some reason, her eyes were sparkling. "…That's it!"
"That's it?"
Was my divine resignation bit that witty? I personally wasn't a fan. It sounded kinda forced.
"Not that. They could get closer by having a walk around Kyoto! He could, like, casually come up with little trivia facts about the city. Hina said she likes Kyoto, so I think it could work!"
Trivia. It comes from the word trivial. In other words, stuff that doesn't matter. There's some trivia for you.
In other words, since he wasn't getting anywhere when everything was normal at school, Tobe would have to count on the newness of the field trip to change things.
The field trip was going to be four days long. I think there's some American movie called, like, How to Get a Girl in Four Days. Starring Cameron Diaz and Hugh Grant.
But anyway, in that short period of time, we had to create a situation where Ebina would be attracted to Tobe… Yeah, that's impossible.
"So then first, wouldn't we have to make sure they end up somewhere together?" Yukinoshita said, pouring out tea for all of us.
Yuigahama took her mug, had a sip, and raised her head. "The first day, we're all together as a class, so that's no problem. And then for the group day, I'll be with Hina and Yumiko. We've basically decided already."
No doubt. Assuming that would happen, in order to create a group of four, someone else would have to join their group. But we didn't really have to take their influence into consideration…
So then I pondered what to do with Tobe, but Yuigahama cut off my train of thought. "So for the guys, you just have to be in Tobecchi's group, Hikki. Then if we choose the same places, on the second day they can be together, too."
"…Huh? Uh, I'm going to be in a group with Totsuka, though," I replied, waving my hands like, I can't, I can't, and Yukinoshita interjected in support of me.
"Won't Tobe and his friends have decided to be a group of four? There wouldn't be anything to gain by throwing Hikigaya in there, and I doubt it would make anyone happy."
I should have been thankful that Yukinoshita agreed with me. But I didn't feel grateful at all. I wonder why.
"Yeah, but if me and Hikki come up with a schedule for us, then we'll end up being together on the second day, too, and I think it's best to have two people there, for support." Yuigahama, coming up with a logical argument… My eyes widened in shock at this rare occurrence, and I missed my opportunity to present a counterargument.
And when I failed to say anything, Yukinoshita nodded with an mmhmm. "I see. Well, Ooka and Yamato were both willing to accompany him to the clubroom, so I'm sure if we explain, they'll agree."
"Yeah, I'll try talking to them when we're deciding on groups."
Oh no. Things are moving along fast. At this rate, I'll end up in a group with Hayama and co. I have to avoid this! "Wait, hey, listen to me—," I began, but Yuigahama clapped her hands as if an idea had hit her.
"So then for the groups, we can split those four into two and have you and Sai-chan together in a group, Hikki?"
…That's fine. It's actually more than fine. Let's do that.