Sunday / April - 5 - 2015 / 5:50 A.M.
Again.
It happened again.
Many hours ago, Peter had gone to dine with Emma for her birthday, then he experienced what is the wet dream for the majority of teenagers all around the world - but he ended up having to flee her place because of her family coming home.
Finally he got home after parkouring and sneaking his way through his city, texting Emma that he was home while she was most likely busy with her family's celebration.
Feeling tired of everything, he climbed into his bed and tried to sleep while thinking of how good of a day he just had. Only to have yet another nightmare.
The same shit since three weeks ago. Always the same. Billy crying, yelling at him to look at the consequences of his actions.
Fire, destruction, blood and death.
He woke up in a cold sweat, and hadn't been able to reconcile his sleep yet. The only thing he is able to do is to try and pretend in his mind like nothing happened, recalling something May told him around a year ago, back when he was also feeling the guilt of what he did to Ben.
'We can let tragedy drag us down and break us until we become shallow forms of our former selves. Or we can rebel against the chaos and evilness that happens in our lives by smiling, laughing and joking at it'
Peter tries to.
He chose to lie about what he did, he decides to rebel against the chaos that happened to him and smile through his day as though nothing happened.
All day long, for three weeks. Smiling and doing everything just right to make everyone around him as happy as he wants to project himself to be.
Because he should be! He should be happy to see that everyone around him seems to be more at ease now that Spider-Man is gone.
But… but he is not happy. Not when he can feel himself being dragged down to a seemingly endless pit of guilt and grief because of what happened. And the guilt just keeps on increasing because of what is still happening in his beloved city while Spider-Man is acting like the pathetic teenager he truly is.
Petty theft, armed robbery, car jacks, assaults, drug dealings, cases of alleged rape or abuse, murders - even two or three of his 'own' villains have been seen just outside Queens, doing what they seem to only know what to do… all while he sits there on his bed with his head hung low.
It won't be long before the criminals in this city take notice of his absence - if they haven't already of course. And how couldn't they? When there are various online accounts in all different social media platforms that are dedicated solely to announce when they spot him?
Peter has never wanted to be famous. That was not his intention. He genuinely just wanted to go around the city - swinging up high above the ground at neck breaking speeds as he found he loved to do - and lend his superpowered hand anywhere it may be needed.
In hindsight though, it was probably really obvious that he would become something of a celebrity. Even when half the city used to hate him thanks to Jonah and The Bugle's rants about him, some people took an interest in him.
Everyone loves a showman after all.
And despite not wanting to be famous, Peter knows he kinda was one. Swinging through the city in his red and blue suit in broad daylight, doing acrobatics as if those complicated moves were only natural to him and doing whatever request they had for him.
Like that nice guy that regularly asks him to do backflips and then hyped him up after doing it.
Even some of his villains have 'fans' among the people due to how unique they are.
How some citizens are awed by Electro but are disgusted by mutants will forever be a dumb and frustrating mystery to Peter.
But worst of all, he has merchandise. Peter can not escape his own mask because of how popular and welcomed he has become to the public. And Peter used to think that it was something funny.
Now he hates it.
Because he simply can't escape Spider-Man. He can't walk the street without seeing something with his face in it, he can't shop anywhere without seeing something 'Spider-Man' related every now and then. He can't even be at school without Flash wearing a T-Shirt with his mask on it.
And he hates it because he misses it dearly.
No… he misses it miserably.
Because he loved it. He really, truly loved being Spider-Man and the freedom that came with it. Despite the responsibilities that came with his powers, the freedom was intoxicating.
As he swung through his beloved city, he was able - even if just for a very fleeting moment - to exist.
Exist…
Nothing more than that. Nothing less. He could forget all about the sad past of 'Peter Parker's' life. He could forget about the burden and weight of 'Spider-Man's' responsibilities that came with his power and he could simply… be.
Away from everyone, underneath that piece of clothing that hid his face, the boy could close his eyes and breathe - truly, TRULY, breathe - a deep and gentle lungful of air while the gravity pulled him down towards it's center while the boy felt like any shackles he had were shaken off from him.
He was free of everything but himself and the laws of nature.
And now… now he is sitting on his bed, shamefully dreaming of what it would be like if he had not done what he did. As if he deserves that comfort.
Three weeks might not be much. They aren't. But to a boy that has spent the last year on the edge of life? Living every second of it with the excitement of a secret and the adrenaline of a hero?
It was perhaps too long.
And he sits quietly, pretending like he doesn't still have his spare suit in his room. Pretending so, even when - almost after every nightmare - Peter takes out the mask and places it in a chair in front of him whenever he doesn't take the file or the gun out.
White, reflective and soulless lenses judging him while a spider crawls all over the damned thing for a reason he can't understand. Was the spider truly there? Is he imagining it?
Honestly? At this point, who cares if-
*BRRR - BRRR*
Peter suddenly tenses involuntarily as his burner phone starts vibrating from a drawer in his nightstand, right beside his bed.
This is the second time someone has called him since he quitted bieng Spider-Man, with the first one being none other than Sue Storm-Richards, who called him around four days ago.
Most likely wanting him to babysit the little 2 year old ball of sunshine that is Franklin. But how could he? How could Peter in good conscience take care of a baby while being a dangerous murderer?
So, despite not really wanting to, Peter ghosted Sue and the rest of the family. The first week and a half was easy since they had taken a family trip who-knows-where, but now they are back home and… he doesn't know what he'll do if they reach out to him again.
It's scary to think about what they would think of him if he admits the truth to what happened or they figure it out somehow.
And if they don't discover what he did… It's sad to think that they would want nothing to do with him if he is no longer Spider-Man. After all, they are Spidey's friends, not Peter's.
That thought hurts him deeply.
So it was actually Sue's call that made Peter turn on the vibration mode on his phone, not wanting or expecting any more calls from it. But it seems like he was wrong.
'Daredevil…' Peter muses as he sees the ID. Double D is not someone who'd make a social call, meaning that if he is calling, it's because he has something urgent to tell Spider-Man.
But he doesn't know that Spider-Man is no more. No one but Emma does.
"Spidey? Are you there?" Daredevil's voice snapped Peter out of his thoughts in a shock. Seems like he answered the phone without even meaning to. Again.
'S-shit!' Peter thinks to himself as stands up with nerves; he looks around his room as though an answer to how to handle this situation will randomly appear on one wall.
He didn't intend to talk to a 'fellow' hero or vigilante. Why would he? He is no longer part of that lifestyle. No matter how badly he wants to be.
"Hello?" Daredevil asks again, causing the boy to groan and finally answer.
"U-uhm… y-yeah, I'm here" Peter replied lamely while sitting on his bed once again with his head hung low and weight supported thanks to his elbows on his thighs; feeling disappointed and frustrated with himself for answering the damn thing.
"Oh good, you're awake. Haven't heard from you for some time, is everything okay?" The older man asks with a hint of worry in his tone.
"I- ehr-" Peter was about to give a lame answer, but was interrupted.
"You know what? I'm actually very busy right now, so how about you tell me tonight at the spot we met? I have something important I need to tell you" Daredevil explains as Peter could hear a door shutting down behind him, making it clear that the man was either leaving or entering somewhere.
Request that caused Peter's stomach to drop even further than it was before. Of course Daredevil was calling to meet him, what else could've this been about?
"… I can't" Peter answers with a grim and defeated voice after a second too long.
"Shoot, really? How about tomorrow then?" Daredevil said, sounding a little frustrated at that.
"No, Daredevil, tomorrow I can't either" Peter kept his tone "I… I don't think I'll ever put on the suit again to be honest"
"… something did happen, didn't it?" Daredevil asked after a few seconds of processing the words and the way he said them "that's why you've been gone for three weeks now".
"…uh, yeah… something like that" Peter admitted regretfully, but feeling a little bit warm for the fact that his older friend seems to care just enough to see that something is wrong.
*Sigh* "Look, I don't know what happened" Daredevil starts speaking with a weirdly tense tone "but I really need to talk to you… Peter".
Peter's eyes snapped wide open when he heard his name coming from someone that shouldn't know who he is. Daredevil is not someone on Peter's very short list of people that know his identity.
And he shouldn't.
This… fuck, this is just great for Peter, isn't it? He doesn't have enough on his plate already with the guilt eating at him for what happened, for having to lie to those closest to him with a smile and then the whole other different type of guilt that comes with hearing of all the crime that Spider-Man - that HE - should be stopping?!
Now he has to deal with yet another one knowing who he is?!
It's… it's not fair! It's not fair for Peter not to have one good news when it comes to the other side of his life that just doesn't seem to want to give him up when he already did!
'Peter Parker' had given up 'Spider-Man'… despite that being something incredibly hard for him to do. Something that he feels is tearing him apart.
So why does it seem like 'Spider-Man' - together with his deeds and responsibilities - doesn't want to give 'Peter Parker' up?!
It's not fair! And-And Peter knows he doesn't deserve fair, but-! But…!
Fuck, it's just not fair…
And that unfairness makes him sad. And that sadness makes him mad. So… his shock doesn't last long, and it's instead replaced by bubbling and increasing anger.
With his back straightening up, muscles tensing and eyes morphing from surprise to show how angry he feels, Peter snarls in a whispery and unbelieving breath "W-What the fuck did you just call me?"
"… okay, wasn't expecting that" Daredevil admits with surprise.
————
With Matt
Matt had learned Spider-Man's name accidentally because of his radar sense. He didn't mean for it to happen, but Spider-Man has a signature so unique to himself that it would be practically impossible for Matt to confuse him with anyone else.
Especially when they walk past each other, shoulders literally mere inches from touching each other.
So it's not really Matt's fault that they both decided to take their date for a French meal, and Spider-Man's date just so happens to say his name, thus revealing the identity to him, right?
No, it wasn't his fault…
But it's also not his secret to keep. If anyone else had learned his name, Matt would appreciate it if they told him, at least so that they are on the same page.
Which is why he called Spider-Man the moment he left his date's apartment first thing in the morning, so that they could have a proper conversation with each other.
And Matt was sure that nothing was going to go wrong. After all, they are both friends, and Matt knows Spider-Man enough to know that the nice boy will understand what happened without making a big deal out of it.
"W-What the fuck did you just call me?" Or so Matt thought, because Peter's tone clearly had a menacing and dangerous edge to it.
"…okay. Wasn't expecting that" which is the truth.
"I don't care what you were expecting" Spider-Man said with a calm anger and confused frustration in his tone "why do you… how- *Sigh* Why and how do you know my name!?"
"Look, I understand how that sounds, but I'll explain everything tonight if you give me the chance to do so" Matt said "I just ask you to listen, and you'll realize this is all a simple misunderstanding".
"…" but Spider-Man remained quiet, unnervingly so since Matt knows how much of a chatterbox he is, until finally "Fine. Tonight at the spot we met, midnight".
And he hung on Matt without waiting for confirmation.
Realistically, Matt knew that Spider-Man getting angry was a big possibility. But the older man was expecting more of a 'Aww shucks, double D, that's so uncool!' kind of anger.
Not whatever that was.
But well, in the end Spidey had agreed to meet him, so he just needed to explain what happened and done! It was just a matter of taking things out and they'd be back to how things were between them, no issue at all.
————
With Peter
Peter was conflicted.
He had just agreed to meet Daredevil, the first hero/vigilante friend he had made because somehow or another he learned his secret identity.
Three weeks after he quitted bieng Spider-Man, someone else learned who he is. And this time, it's someone who seems really fond of beating assassins and all types of crooks to near death.
Is this related to Connors? Is this a set up to arrest him? Who else had he told? Is everyone with powers going to learn his secret identity without him wanting them to?
So far the only one he has consciously told is The Invisible Woman, and that's because he still had fresh the emotion of Emma knowing and the trust the older woman had in him to introduce him to Franklin.
Wolverine, who he had a 'mission' with earlier this year, just 'sniffed' him out - as gross as that sounds. And even his girlfriend, Emma, only found out thanks to her powers.
Looking in front of him, Peter saw the mask staring back at him from the chair it's perched on, almost mockingly and triumphantly for being allowed to be worn again; now without that damn spider walking on it.
Something he really wants and dreads to do at the same time, hence his conflict.
"God…Damn it" Peter mutters as he hides his face behind his hands, arms resting one again in his thighs. He is not looking forward to this. Not at all. Because it's just not fair.
And he feels disappointed with himself for the fact that - a small, but very significant part of himself - is looking forward to going out as Spider-Man once again.
Again, three weeks aren't much. But to someone that spent every night of the past year on a roller coaster of thrills? These three weeks have nothing but dull, bitter and painful days that go by very slowly.
And it's worse because he barely sleeps at night, and he just stays in his room. Knowing he should be out there, helping as many people as he can to avoid the tragedies that might happen and he knows he can prevent.
But…
He is not sure what to do, other than just wait for midnight to come.
————
Hours Later
Peter called Emma when it was morning enough to know she was awake, and while pretending everything is normal and okay, he lovingly conversed with his girlfriend.
What she did after her family arrived, what she got gifted, where they are taking her to eat today for her birthday, her teasing him about what they did, etc, etc.
Luckily for Peter, Emma herself was the one that told him that she wouldn't be able to meet him today due to her celebration, but with the reassurance that they would see each other first thing in the morning tomorrow at school.
Saying their goodbyes with unpracticed 'I love yous', which warmed each teen's heart immensely. They each had waited for the moment where they could use it more casually to show the seriousness of their relationship after all.
His day continued as usual after that.
Eating with May, getting a phone call from MJ where she told him about this one actress she is taking inspiration from, Gwen's brag on some genetics book her dad got for her, Chat telling him about a zoo visit she'll have with her sister or Harry's demand for tips on how to get Liz's attention.
And all the time, he had a smile on his face.
No matter the inner turmoil he had going on, causing him to just want to drop alone in his bed and forget about everything and everyone to be allowed to dread meeting Daredevil later.
No matter what, Peter smiled at everyone and everything.
At least until it was time to wear his suit.
11:00 P.M. came faster than what Peter wanted it to, but he needed to get to the bottom of this, so he wore his suit.
And it was heavy.
Heavier than most things Peter has dealt with. And it was not heavy because of the physical weight, but because of the burden and guilt it came with, as well as the shameful satisfaction Peter felt when putting it on.
It felt so correct on him, like a second skin he has been missing oh so dearly. Like, for the first time in three weeks, he was able to see part of his real 'face' on the reflection of his window once again. The half he wanted to forget, now on him again.
And that felt good. And that felt disgusting.
But still with that inner turmoil going on, he exited his home and swung to his destination with practiced and natural grace. Quietly swinging around his city as if nothing had happened to Spider-Man.
Making the same flips, tricks and free falls he loves to do so much. Peter felt a sense of shame at how much he was enjoying this. But he just can't help it; just like the first time he did this, Peter noticed how right this is to him.
As though he was born to 'fly'. As if him swinging high up in the sky was simply meant to be - like the city's skyline was built that way just to allow him to do this.
Some people cheered when they saw him, some other people cursed at him; who are now the grand minority, gratefully - but everyone in the city that never sleeps was able to witness him after his three week absence.
And something not many would be willing to admit is that they are relieved to see their resident web-head safe and sound. This due to some rumors running around the internet about his sudden disappearance; ranging from him quitting to even his death by the hand of one of the various villains of the city.
But no. There he goes. Swinging through the city as he has done every single day for almost a year now. Always looking out for their safety in exchange for nothing.
"WHOOO, SPIDEY!" An excited man yelled out from the curb as Spider-Man did a particularly daring free fall-catch that amazed the onlookers.
Only for Spider-Man to keep on going with his ever increasing speed, leaving behind his clapping and cheering fans.
….
"You're early" Daredevil noted as Spider-Man silently falls onto the edge of the building with his famous crouch.
"There wasn't much air traffic this time around" Spider-Man quipped, though not with his usual humor, but with sarcasm and anxiousness clear in his tone.
"Yeah, I noticed" Trying to ease the atmosphere, Daredevil replied in kind, given how he too is also early.
"So?" Spider-Man asks as he gets off the ledge and crosses his arms, going straight to business without asking Matt how he's been or any other type of small talk at all.
That was unlike the Spider-Man Matt had befriended, but the 'feel' he gets in his radar sense makes it clear that it is definitely him. Matt takes notice of his attitude, but decides to answer first.
*Sigh* "Okay, okay, I know your name" Seeing his animosity, Daredevil raises his hands in mock surrender to calm his friend down a little "but it's just because of an accident".
*Groan* "Of course it is" Spider-Man mutters more to himself, undoing his arm cross in favor of pinching the bridge of his nose with one while the other rests at his hip.
He had been scared the whole day with the possibility of Daredevil spying on him or something similar, and well, it could still be the case and he is just lying. But Peter doesn't think that would be the case - he wouldn't be here if it was. But he still has to ask "how did it happen?"
"Yesterday, I was leaving that French restaurant just as you stood in front of it" Double D started explaining while Spider-Man walked slowly around him "We almost brush shoulders actually, and with my radar-sense it was almost impossible for me not to notice it was you there. Anyway, just as we walked past each other, I heard 'Look, Peter, that is the one' and you answered, so…".
'Emma…' Peter sighs tiredly at what she did as he stopped walking. Though it is not like it was her fault or anything, after all, who could've possibly known this exact situation would happen to him? It's just… unfortunate.
Another case of his 'Parker Luck' acting against him.
"But wait" Peter says as he realizes something important; snapping his head towards the older man and questions him with an attitude "so you just know my first name? You don't actually know who I am?"
"Uhm, yeah that's right. Just your name" Daredevil answered slightly lamely due to Peter's sudden annoyance.
"Damn it, man! You could've just said that through the phone!" Spider-Man complained while throwing his hands up in frustration "I wore the suit for nothing!"
Matt was very surprised to hear that, given that he knows just how precious Spider-Man's secret identity is to him. Normally, the teenager would've freaked out a bit even if Matt were to learn his hair color.
But it seems like having his name revealed is not as important to him as wearing his suit for whatever reason, which only makes Matt more sure that something happened to his friend.
But he needs to make sure.
"What do you mean 'for nothing'?" Daredevil asks carefully, intending to bait him into giving him the answer "aren't you patrolling tonight?"
"No. Not tonight, or ever again for that matter" Spider-Man answered dejectedly.
"I know that sometimes it seems hard to keep on going with this thing we do, Spidey" Daredevil started saying, making Peter tense up "but you do good work around the city, no matter what the news claims. We - men like you and I - have the sacred mission to help-"
"Double D, stop. P-please man, just stop" Spider-Man interrupts Daredevil's speech "You know I don't care about what the news say. This is not about that".
"Then what is it about?" Daredevil asks with a frown, hearing Peter's heartbeat spiking hardly at the question.
"I-it's nothing, nothing happened" Spider-Man tried to deflect, but his nerves were easily catched by the older man.
" 'Happened'? I didn't say anything happened" Daredevil says with narrowed eyes "what DID happen?"
"C-c'mon man, drop it" Spider-Man says in an almost pleading tone, not liking where this was heading.
"I'm serious Spider-Man, if you have a problem going on, I'd be happy to help. You know that" But DD keeps on pressing.
And those words hit the boy really hard, because he knows that his older friend is telling the truth. And of course he is, Daredevil is a good man after all.
But Peter feels uncomfortable with those words.
Because Peter has never seeked help from anyone, he doesn't know how to. And ever since Norman told Peter back at Ben's funeral that the only real help he can genuinely receive comes from himself, that unwillingness to seek help has only gotten worse.
And that's… fine with Peter. Because he needs to be strong enough to shoulder everything, to handle everything, to face everything that life throws at him and hold it with a smile.
Because that follows some of Ben's last words to him. Because that follows the advice May gave him after Ben died. Because that's the type of man he wants to be.
Someone that doesn't burden others with his problems, someone that is willing to take responsibility for everything that happened born out of his selfish choices. Someone independent of anyone's helping hand.
Peter Parker wants to be someone 'strong'.
So despite Peter wanting to immediately accept Daredevil's help, he doesn't - because he can't. And even if he wasn't the kind of man he is and did actually seeked help for what has happened, what kind of help would anyone be able to provide anyway?
"You can't help with this" Peter mutters sadly and defeatedly, perhaps more to himself, but with the same volume.
Something that sends alarms to Matt's head. The usual cheerful boy sounds rough, almost depressed even. Something clearly happened to him and he is apparently shutting everything away.
"Maybe I could if you tell me what happened" Matt tells the boy as he takes a step closer to him. And the boy takes a moment to answer.
Because he does want to tell him. He has wanted to tell someone since the moment it happened almost desperately. But he made the decision to keep it to himself.
And it's perhaps the wrong decision. And maybe, just maybe, Peter knows it. Which subconsciously makes him angry at himself, which in turn makes him angry at everything.
"No! Damn it man, I said drop it!" Suddenly Spider-Man shouted at the older vigilante while clearly feeling agitated.
"Hey! I'm trying to be nice here!" Matt didn't take that too kindly "I'm just trying to be of help!"
"There is no helping this!" Spider-Man yelled again, trying to get his friend to understand without saying anything else.
"Not if you don't tell me what happened!" Daredevil argued.
"And I won't!" Spider-Man countered, throwing his arms to the side mockingly "Because nothing happened! Nothing that you can help with!"
"Why are you being this way?! What are you not telling me?!" Daredevil knows for a fact that Spider-Man was lying thanks to his powers.
Since Matt figured something happened to the younger hero, his heart rate went flying through the roof; same as it happens every time he asks for Peter to tell him the truth.
Spider-Man is nervous, agitated, anxious and now angry at him.
But some people are like that. He knows it first hand thanks to all his time in law school and as a vigilante. Some folk just refuse to accept that they need help or that they are in distress until their patience runs out.
Which is why Daredevil engaged easily in a shouting match with Spider-Man, where the younger hero even threatened to leave but stayed under the threat of him following after.
Although to be honest, Matt was expecting Spider-Man to reveal whatever it was that forced him out of his costume earlier, but with his eloquent and fancy lawyer techniques, he eventually managed to do it after some minutes.
"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED THEN!" Matt yelled at the top of his lungs all up in Spider-Man's mask "LET ME HELP YOU!".
"YOU CAN'T!" Spider-Man replied in kind.
"WHY NOT?!" Daredevil asked again for the nth time.
"WHY DO YOU CARE!?" Spider-Man asked amidst their very loudly shouting that was starting to blend in together.
"BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FRIEND, DAMN IT!" Daredevil replied with frustration, as though that was obvious.
"THEN AS MY FRIEND LEAVE IT" Spider-Man demanded, feeling his patience really starting to run thin.
He really wanted to run out of this conversation, but what if Daredevil did follow after him? What if he
learned more than his first name? And Peter knows the guy is like some kind of detective, so what if he finds out what happened for whatever reason?
What happened…
Oh, how Peter is tired of holding that to himself. He wanted to tell May, Emma and MJ when he had the first chance to really talk to them. But something happened each time that deepened his resolve to keep it to himself.
But he really wanted to tell them the truth, at least to those three. Because right now, it's becoming really hard not to spill anything by the way his friend is literally shouting with frustration at how he denies help.
"AS YOUR FRIEND I WON'T" Daredevil declared, matching the attitude of the messed up teenager without meaning to.
And it warms Peter's heart to hear that, it really does. If more than three weeks ago, Daredevil said that, he would've rendered the boy a happy and embarrassed mess, but now it just makes him feel scummy.
"P-please just leave it man!" Peter faltered due to what the older man said, yelling but now more quietly than before.
"Just tell me!" Double D matched the boy's tone. Now sounding a bit more hopeful at seeing him hesitate slightly "I really just want to help!"
But once again, Peter denied the prospect of getting help "NO, GOD DAMNIT!"
"WHY NOT?!" Daredevil demanded to know, frustrated once again by the bounce back in attitude.
"BECAUSE THERE IS NOT HELPING WHAT HAPPENED!" Spider-Man exclaimed with an undertone of grief that Matt was able to identify.
"HOW DO YOU KNOW?!" Daredevil questioned, getting closer to the boy who was clearly going through a lot on his head.
"BECAUSE I KILLED SOMEONE!" The boy finally snapped, literally yelling the words he's kept so closed off to himself.
…
He really said it.
Peter wanted to keep it as his most sacred secret, but it was too much for him to keep.
Three weeks of lying to everyone about how fine he is, laughing, talking and acting like usual while his head was a mess of guilt and trauma finally came to their end when someone Peter considers to be a friend offers his help.
But seriously, what help can there possibly be for this? How can Peter possibly make things right?!
What could Daredevil- what could anyone do to help him?! Why would they even help him? What is there to help…?
There is only a powerful - enhanced kid playing dress up that killed his teacher in a fit of anger, confusion and horror.
Connors became a monster again, killed his family, ate them, attacked Peter and then finally; when Peter was concussed, fearful, angry and scared, he asked Peter to kill him.
Which the boy ultimately did.
"I… I killed him…" Peter admits again after both men go silent, tasting how the words feel in his mouth as he nods slowly and hesitantly to himself; remarking the truth behind his words.
It's the first time he admitted it out loud.
He has yelled because of it, cursed, cried, vomited and everything one does when they feel like the world crumbled on their feet. But never did Peter admit out loud.
No… it was always in his head. Calling himself a murderer, remembering the moment in his waking moments, twisting reality in his nightmares… always, always in his head.
Until now.
His secret, his shameful, tragic and cruel secret was now open on the air; shouted at the top of his lungs in front of a man that can hear a pin drop from a ridiculous distance away.
And Matt has no idea what truly happened.
He just hears Spider-Man shout angrily that he killed someone right in his face, only to reaffirm his confession more quietly soon after. And Matt looks for the lie. After the words were said twice, Matt searches for any indication, any hint, any thread of possibility that his friend is lying, but he doesn't find any of it.
There is only the truth.
Spider-Man killed someone. And that's so… disappointing to Matt.
Because Spider-Man was meant to be one of the good ones, someone even better than him! He has been gifted with such great power and talent and he was using it so, so well! Going down the righteous path of helping his fellow man.
But this… it's almost heartbreaking for Matt. And that makes his blood boil in anger, frustration and rage. Because somehow, he feels betrayed.
"D-Daredevil, I-I-" Peter ruined it for himself, yet perhaps… Perhaps this is what he wanted.
Perhaps he desperately wanted someone - anyone - to know what he did. Which is why he doesn't move when his spider-sense warns him of the approaching danger.
*WAK*
Is the sound that Daredevil's left fist makes as he impacts straight into Spider-Man's right cheekbone, making him stagger a single step away from his current position.
Both men 'stare' at each from behind their respective red masks without saying a word for a few seconds after the punch happened, neither of them are sure of what to say or what to do.
Matt waits just for a couple of seconds for Spider-Man to say something; giving him a chance to say that he is joking or-or something! To explain himself, to try and stop him while saying how he got it wrong!
But Spider-Man stays silent, conveying true guilt over what he said.
So they did what came naturally to them at the moment. Daredevil kept punching, and Spider-Man allowed it to happen.
*WHACK* This time it was Spider-Man's left side of his cheekbone due to another - harsher hook coming from the older man's left fist.
*GUH* Peter has been punched many, many times before. Whether it'd be from Flash and his friends, simple crooks trying to make a life for themselves to even literal monsters that punch with the very clear intent to kill.
But Daredevil's punch is different. It physically hurts significantly less than some of the others he's endured after becoming Spider-Man, but emotionally… emotionally, Daredevil's fist 'tastes' like betrayal.
Betrayal from Spider-Man to Daredevil.
Because Daredevil had trusted the young hero. To know that someone enhanced was looking over the city, fighting battles he can't battle because of the difference in power, sharing his heroic mission to help the city without killing… it was so, so disappointing to hear that Spider-Man had killed someone.
Two punches to the face became three, then another to the body, then a kick to the legs and it went on and on until Peter was forced to start defending himself, initiating a fight between them underneath the dark blanket of the sky.
But Spider-Man doesn't retaliate.
No matter how much time they both spent together on that roof with Daredevil tiring himself out with his constant attacks, no matter how hard they were, Spider-Man did not fight back.
In fact, sometimes he willingly allowed some hits to land. Because Peter feels like he deserves this.
"Fight back you damned coward!" Yelled Daredevil again, frustrated at the fact that it seems like this is just a one sided fight that shouldn't be happening in the first place.
"…" but Spider-Man remains silent, frustrating the already disappointed Daredevil even more.
"Who was it, huh!? Some poor soul you decided to test your strength against!?" Daredevil demanded to know as he threw another kick to Spider-Man's stomach.
"N-no" the young hero muttered for the first time as he barely blocked it.
"An old grudge you had against a classmate? Was it because of revenge?! Money?! Who did you kill?! WHY?!" Daredevil felt his own frustration rising as he kept going "DID YOU ENJOY IT?! IS THAT-".
"NO, I DIDN'T FUCKING ENJOY IT" Spider-Man finally pushed Daredevil off from with just the right force to keep him beyond arm's length from him as he barked that, with his tone was angry and hurt.
But it also sounded broken and sad and frustrated and-and even scared. Which made Daredevil pause on his attacks to see what the young man was finally going to say.
"D-do you truly think I wanted to kill him?! Do you think I would've given up being Spider-Man if I - if I wanted to do that again?!" Spider-Man started making questions of his own, his tone shattering with each passing word "Of course I didn't want to do it! I didn't do it for the money, or-or revenge, or any other stupid reason!"
And Matt felt it.
Truth.
Peter was telling the truth when he said that he didn't mean to do what he did, and he genuinely sounds regretful and mournful. But more than that, Matt can smell the saltiness and dampness starting to appear on Spider-Man's mask.
He's crying.
And Matt felt his own stomach hurl with worry and even some degree of regret at how he is handling the situation so far. So he kept quiet to see what the young boy had to explain.
"I-I didn't… I didn't know, I… how could he do that? And-and ask me t-to do that?" Spider-Man started stumbling over his words as his body trembled slightly. He is remembering what happened; returning to that moment.
That awful, awful moment that won't ever leave him alone.
"I… I don't understand" Daredevil admitted as he lowered his guard and felt some kind of pressure to ease the young man. But he really needed to know what happened before he started making his own messed up theories "Who is 'he'? What did he ask you to do?"
"… do you remember The Lizard?" Peter answers the question with another. The fact that he killed someone is already out of the bag, so telling the older man who he killed is not going to change much for Peter.
"The man who turned himself into a monster twice…" Matt answers easily, raising an eyebrow behind his mask in curiosity "yeah, I remember".
"Well… three weeks ago, he was released from prison and confined to house arrest" Peter started explaining as he sat in one of the air ventilation systems, ceiling his knees up to his chest "I decided to check up on him, see if everything was okay with him, y'know?"
"…" Matt stood quiet as he started to listen carefully, imitating the sitting position of the younger man in front of him, but ready to follow after Spider-Man if he tries to flee for some reason.
"So, I get to his house and… and…" Spider-Man gathers himself for what's coming next "he turned into that thing again… he killed and ate his wife and ten year old son".
Matt's eyes widened at the information, not quite expecting that turn of events. He remembers Foggy telling him that the man had died in a fire with the rest of his family, but detecting no lie from Spider-Man made things darker.
"…so you killed him for what he did?" Matt asks as he finally lowers his arms completely, his tone now careful, as if to not scare the teen away.
"No… not at first" Spider-Man kept talking with that broken tone, battling a losing battle against his tears "We fought. It was a scary fight… but eventually I managed to turn him back to normal… he asked me to kill him.
B-but I didn't want to! I-I tried to convince him to just give up, but he was turning into-into that thing again! And he figured my identity and-and he threatened everyone I knew and he would not shut up! B-but I don't - didn't k-know-!"
"Okay, okay" Matt says with a calming tone he usually uses with victims he's helping "why don't we calm down, breathe, and then you tell me exactly what happened?"
Peter considered the words of his friend who was beating him up just a few seconds ago, seeing how he is trying to understand his situation. Plus, he already spilled the important stuff, so the details may as well be revealed.
"…okay" Spider-Man agreed after some consideration, thus starting his talk about everything that happened.
Only skipping how he learned how Curt was released - which was thanks to Gwen's dad - Peter explained everything that happened, down to the faintest detail. Finally ending with his resolve to stop being Spider-Man.
All the while Matt listened carefully, not once detecting a lie through the emotional boy's words, not interrupting him and even wincing when the boy recalled how he was slammed against the concrete of the sewer, how he broke his arm and every other injury; easily concluding that Peter must've been heavily concussed by the end of that night.
Once everything was said, both men stood quiet, each deep in their own thoughts.
Peter feels some sort of relief at finally admitting his sin, but now he feels fear for what's about to happen. His fate is now in the hands of Daredevil, because if the older man decided to take him down and bring him to justice, he might just allow that to happen.
But Matt was deeply considering everything he learned, ending with a conclusion that needed just one more assurance before he could act on it.
"Do you regret it?" Matt broke the silence with his question. Seriousness heavy on his words.
" 'Do I…'? Yes, of course I regret it! What kind of question is that?!" Spider-Man replied, feeling offended that his friend would even question that.
Sensing the truth behind his indignation, Matt nodded and sighed as he reveals his thoughts "I think you shouldn't stop being Spider-Man".
"…what?" Peter asked dumbfounded, not expecting the older man to say that at all "W-why?"
"What you did… is a crime of the highest degree. Something awful and wrong" Matt said sternly, with a scowl visible even through his cowl.
"…" And Peter looked away without any denials in him, for he already knows that to be the simple and terrible truth.
"But…" Daredevil started saying as he 'looked' up to the sky with tiredness laced in his tone, making the boy look at him again "I can tell that you truly regret what's been done, and that's more than most people in your shoes can say.
And we are only human; none of us are free of sin. We were all born with it, and thus we are bound to fail and do it again. Our fight - humanity's true struggle - is to keep ourselves from falling into the temptation of committing more sins.
But we are only human - imperfect beings that are certain to fail and sin more than once, even when we try our best. Because in this cruel and twisted world, sometimes, our best is just not enough…" Daredevil paused his speech to swallow his own words, feeling the how heavy they feel even to himself.
And Peter listened carefully as Daredevil spoke; getting into one of his weird religious moods, but that last part really struck him where he didn't wish to be. Not right now.
Because, who better knew that his best is not enough than the boy who made saving everyone his personal mission? Than the teen who sweated, cried and shed blood for his cause? Man who tried so, so hard for everyone to be safe? And despite doing his damned best, only ended up how he currently is.
Like a shadow of his former self.
Who knew better than Peter Parker that his best wasn't enough?
Because he tried his best, and he lost. He lost two pieces of himself that night; he gave up on being Spider-Man right after betraying everything Peter Parker wanted to stand up for.
And what does a man have when he loses both his halves?
He - at least this boy - has the ability to act as though nothing has happened.
Because he is 'strong'.
"… And… and when we fail, we must atone for what has been done. Because then, and only then, may we find ourselves forgiven. I know you regret what happened, because I can tell you were telling the truth… and even before then, I have known you to be a good man… perhaps one of the few left in the world… So, don't you want to make things right? Repent for what has been done?" Daredevil asks with a knowing voice, already knowing the answer.
Because for men like Peter and Matt, guilt is a never ending battle that is certain to win if not fought faced on. Guilt is only defeated by earning forgiveness; but sometimes, forgiveness can't be granted by the ones that have been wronged or need to be avenged.
And it's because of times like that, that Spider-Man and Daredevil exist. To repent for what has been done, to prevent more disgrace from happening and so that they can truly be forgiven for everything that taints their soul.
"… 'repent' " Peter muttered to himself, tasting the word in his mouth, knowing in his very soul that he does want to, desperately so "how do I… how do I repent for that?"
"Through sacrifice" Daredevil answered with total conviction.
"Aren't I doing that already? Sacrificing being Spider-Man so that I don't do that again" The young boy asks confused.
It was a big deal for him to get rid of his other identity. It tore him apart and it sent him down a colorless abyss of regret, guilt and doubt. If something makes him feel so miserable, how can it not be a sacrifice?
Because isn't that what sacrifice is? Pain?
"You are not sacrificing being Spider-Man, Peter. You are denying people it's help" Daredevil explains as he shook his head in a tired denial "sacrificing yourself means giving a part of yourself to a greater cause, relinquishing something precious to your very being in order to achieve something grander.
But this is not it.
What you are doing is not a sacrifice, you're just giving up. And that is inherently selfish" Daredevil says with finality in his voice. Knowing already that his words boomed in Spidey's ears, mind and even soul.
" 'Selfish…' " Peter ponders the word with some level of dread, doubting the possibility of Daredevil being right.
Peter has known this since he first wore the mask, even before he officially became 'Spider-Man'. He knows that if he has the power to do the things he can, and he doesn't and then bad things happen, they happen because of him.
And he has been seeing the news every chance he gets, perhaps as a form of morbid punishment he placed on himself. And he knows it's stupid, and self destructive and he should be able to stop doing things that just serve to make him feel bad.
But he… damn it, he just can't help himself.
He needs to see what is happening because he is not out there doing what he is supposed to. But… has he been wrong?
Is Daredevil right? Has he been selfish in giving up? Has he been only looking at himself while forgetting about the people he is meant to help?
… isn't that why Ben died? Because Peter was too busy only with himself without looking at the bigger picture?
He had promised to use his powers to avoid what happened to Ben from happening to someone else. So… what is he doing right now? Why did he quit?
Because he killed someone… What is he supposed to do about that if he is not supposed to give up as Spider-Man?
"But…? What about what I did? The crime I committed? Shouldn't I be in prison or-or something?" Peter asks with a broken and tired tone, more accepting of the fact than scared of it.
"… underneath the cowl…" Daredevil started saying after debating what to say for a few moments, making Peter's eyes go wide behind his mask "I'm an undergrad studying law to become a criminal-defense attorney… and I know many cases of voluntary manslaughter, such as what happened to you. Which is when the crime involves some level of intent, but lacks the malice to be considered murder.
Meaning… you were fighting against a monster for your life, Peter. What you did, in the state you were in… I don't think you deserve the world knowing your secret because of it" Daredevil explained himself with a calming tone.
"… why are you telling me all of this?" Peter asks seriously, trying to find the truth behind his words so that he can cling to them with as much conviction as he wants.
He wants to believe the words of the man. He wants to cling onto them and move on from this mess he created for himslef.
He wants to be Spider-Man once more.
He craves to be 'complete'.
But he needs to know the real reason for just why would Peter be on the receiving end of a pep talk from the only other vigilante he knows that is more against killing than even he is… at least now.
And not only the pep talk, but he is even revealing personal information about himself, something Peter knows is sacred to the older man; again, just like he is of his.
"Because I… I know that you are not a bad guy. I know you try to do good as only we know how to do it" Matt sinceres himself "I don't want this city to lose one of the best guy's there is because of what's been done. Nor do I want you to lose your path… because no one will be able to save you from that but yourself".
Matt wants help Peter to clean himself of his sin, and for sin to be cleansed away, there are steps to follow: first, you need to acknowledge what has been done, then you need to feel remorse, seek forgiveness, make amends and finally - the toughest part - forgive oneself.
And Matt knows Peter won't ever be able to forgive himself if he doesn't make amends - if he stops being Spider-Man - if he loses himself.
Because if he loses himself, then who would the boy be fighting for? Who would he be living for? Who would forgive him and why? Peter needs to do that by himself.
And Peter understands that better than Matt could even fathom. Because he knows better than most that no one will save him, and the only help he'll truly have, is himself.
It's been that way most his life… it's how he lives. And that mentality only grows stronger and stronger with each passing day. Daredevil may be saying all this to him, but at the end of the day, they are just words.
Peter has to help himself. That's his path.
'My path…' Peter wonders as he listens to Daredevil.
He made a promise to his uncle, to use his powers responsibly for the sake of the people. To defend those who can't do it for themselves and prevent what happened to his uncle happening to anyone else.
And he is failing that promise.
His mask - Spider-Man - is his personal cross to bear to atone for his uncle's death, and he even learned to love bearing it.
And he loves it more than he can even express it to himself.
So is Matt right? Should he atone for what he did by bearing his mask again? Is his path moving forward putting the mask on, screwing up and wearing the mask to atone that last screw up in a never ending cycle of violence and guilt?
Is it selfish to think that?
He knows that he does good, even after what happened. He doesn't need Wolverine, Captain America or even Daredevil here telling him that, because he himself can see it.
And he can see how his absence in just three weeks has affected the safety of those around him. Whether it was by purpose or accident, Spider-Man has became someone the city telos's on in just under a year.
So what should Peter do?
'I-I just don't know what to do' Peter thinks to himself as he struggles to find any words to reply to his older friend without even looking at him.
*BANG*
When all of a sudden a gunshot was fired three blocks from where both men currently are, prompting them to stand up simultaneously and look towards the direction of the gunshot.
'…Huh' Peter thinks to himself as Daredevil quickly runs to the edge of the building to try and have a better understanding of what's happening.
"That was a warning shot from a robbery going on at a pharmacy" Daredevil informs Spider-Man while listening to the robbers demands "you up for a team up?"
Matt asks this in a more humorous way than he would usually have, trying to appeal to Spider-Man who uses humor as a form of mechanism; really hoping that his little friend will agree to help him.
And Peter ponders again about the selfishness of his decision. Spider-Man… who is Spider-Man meant to be for? For him? Or for the citizens that he swore to help?
And who did he quit for? For himself because he was scared? Or for the people that could potentially become another one of his 'victims'?
The answers are so easy that it's almost laughable.
Daredevil is right. His choice of quitting the mantle was selfish of him; a decision born out of doubt and fear, rather than logic and reason.
And now he has the chance to make a choice.
He can keep hiding away in his room; soaking and wasting away in his guilt, shame and cowardice. Or he can man up and become the 'strong' version of himself he so usually preaches himself to be.
An easy choice.
"…yeah… yeah, let's go bust these guys" Spider-Man agreed somewhat hesitant as he walked next to Daredevil. And he jumps "try to keep up, 'old man'!"
Matt could sense some doubt and even fear behind the teen's supposedly excited voice, but he couldn't help but smile at the way Spider-Man tried to change his attitude as he goes to help.
So he jumps after him, ready to follow suit and help as well.
————
It didn't end with the pharmacist, who was someone really glad to see Spider-Man all well and safe.
After beating the robbers from that store, Peter and Matt kept on patrolling together for hours and hours without saying a word between them.
There wasn't a need to.
Both of them were just enjoying the night together with someone who could understand the other. They have lived very different lives, going on very different paths and yet there's an understanding between them that both men appreciate immensely.
And Peter is the one that feels more appreciative right now, which is why he stops his patrolling at the top of one of the tallest buildings in Hell's Kitchen and turns to a slightly confused Daredevil, who is wondering why the sudden pause.
"I've missed this" Peter confesses in a low voice as he looks over the city covered in the dark blanket of the night, illuminated softly and brightly by all the lights inside of the concrete jungle "Perhaps I shouldn't… be enjoying being me after what happened. I tried lying to myself about it… but I do enjoy being me. And I don't think I can stop being Spider-Man".
"I understand that" Matt says as he stands next to Peter, also 'looking' over the city "It's the same with me and my cowl. Because I believe this is who I am… who we are".
"… thank you" Peter says, making Matt's head turn towards him with some sort of surprise "I don't know how long it would've taken me to wear the mask again, but somehow - deep down - I think I was just trying to fool myself into thinking I genuinely quit.
But I can't lie to myself.
So I have to thank you. For forcing me to wear the suit, for admitting you know my name and for encouraging me to keep going even after learning what happened.
… So thanks, double D. You're a good friend" Peter finished his words of gratitude as he turned and looked at Daredevil, meaning every word.
"Matt" Darwdevil answers, making Spider-Man blink confused under his mask.
"Hm?" Peter asks lamely, which quickly turns to shock and surprise as he sees Daredevil taking his red cowl off, revealing his disheveled, almost red hair and the white-misty eyes of a blind man.
"Matthew Murdock" Matt says with a kind smile as he reveals his real name and extends his hand towards Peter "that's my name".
Peter stares for a second too long, unbelieving a the fact that Daredevil just revealed himself to him. But they where having a moment here, and Peter didn't want that to go to waste.
So in a similar fashion, Peter took his mask off and smiled at Matthew. He knows it must change nothing for the older man, but him removing his mask is more symbolic than anything else.
"Parker" Peter says as he shakes Matt's hand, revealing his full name as well "Peter Parker".
"It's nice to finally meet you, Peter Parker" Matt admits with a bright smile as he returns the shake.
"Yeah… it's nice to finally meet you too, Matt Murdock" Peter responds in a similar fashion, containing himself to sound as giddy and happy as he actually is to be able to finally meet the man behind the cowl; meeting Spider-Man's friend as Peter.
"And-And I have to say that I'm sorry for earlier" Matt ends the handshake as he looks away with some shame in his face and voice.
"W-what?" Peter asks dumbfounded as he also releases his hold on Matt's hand and takes a step back.
"I was too rash in my actions. I should've asked about what happened that made you… do what you did before attacking you" Matt says with regret clear in his voice "I should've known better, I should acted better but I instead punched you immediately and-well, I am sorry".
It's not usual for Matt to apologize like he is doing right now, but he believes it to be important to do so. Spider-Man - Peter - has been his friend for many months now, and Matt should've been more… understanding, patient… better.
He was just so… hurt after hearing that Spider-Man had killed someone that he acted on emotion; something he can't allow himself to do. So he apologized to his friend because of it.
But he can clearly 'feel' that Peter went tense at the and uncomfortable at apology for some reason.
"I-it's fine, man. You-You don't have to apologize to me or anything" Peter stammered at the apology "I… I deserved a beat down from what I did anyway".
But Matt was able to catch his cringe at the words "Uhm, was there something wrong with what I said?"
*Sigh* "W-well, since we're being honest here and all, I'm going to tell you something weird about me that I've never told anyone before" Peter started saying nervously as he scratched his neck.
"Okay?" Answered Matt with uncertainty and a raised eyebrow.
"I really hate when people apologize to me" Peter revealed with shame, as though it was something to be embarrassed about "ever since I was a little kid. I'm… not really sure why, but man do I feel my blood boiling everytime someone tells me they're 'sorry' ".
"Really?" Matt asks with surprise "that's an odd little fact about you".
"Yeah, I know it's weird" Peter shrugged, still embarrassed by it "I just can't help it. So I'd appreciate it if you could… uhm, not apologize to me".
"Sure, sorry for saying it before" Matt says easily, unaware that he just said it.
"Dude" The teen replied unbelieving.
"Ooh, sorry" Matt said yet again, causing both men to cringe and groan at the same time "damn, this is tricky"
"Are you like, messing with me on purpose?" Peter asks with narrowed eyes "because I'm serious, man, I really hate it".
"No, no , of course not" Matt replies as he wipes his face with his gloved hand "Im done, I'm done".
"Good" Peter says with an edge to his voice, but becomes gentler once he repeats himslef "good".
"So… what do I say in case I want to apologize to you?" Matt asks, just noticing how much of task his little quirk really is.
Peter ponders the question, and realizes something "Huh, I actually don't know… I guess the best answer is for you to avoid doing something that may warrant an apology, but that's a stupid answer I guess… uhm, maybe just pretend like nothing happened? Or we can cross that bridge if we even get there"
"Yeah, okay. That makes sense" Matt shrugs as well "and speaking of what to do next, I don't have to tell you to keep my identity a secret, right?"
"Of course not" Peter says as if it's the most obvious thing ever "You can trust that I won't tell anyone your name, just like I'll trust you with mine".
"Good" Matt nods with an edge to his voice "Because I promise you that The Devil will hunt you if you fail to keep that promise".
"… did you seriously just refer to yourself as 'the devil' in the third person?" Peter asks dumbly as he blinks repeatedly, fighting the urge he has to snort loudly.
"…I hear you speaking in third person all the time and I've never complained" Matt mumbles as he puts his cowl back on, causing Peter to try to hide a funny snicker "but now, seriously though… you didn't develop a taste for blood or anything like that, did you?"
Question that made Peter's smile erase completely from his face "what!? Of course not!"
Matt sensed no lie behind his response, and nodded at that "I just had to make sure again, because now that if you ever do… I'll be there to stop you".
Daredevil's words would've made Peter angry if he didn't agree with the man. He knows, more or less, how the devil-costume wearing guy thinks, because Peter thinks similarly.
If he had developed a taste for blood, then he would inevitably become just like the people he was trying to stop.
And Peter refuses to let that happen to him. No matter what, Peter won't become a man that wishes to inflict harm on others, because he can't allow himself to. He won't. Because he is stronger than that.
He has to be.
But it's still nice to know he has someone like Daredevil looking over him. To help him like he is doing tonight, and to stop him if it's ever needed.
"Yeah, I hope you do stop me if that ever comes to happen" Peter agrees with a level of maturity that Matt wasn't expecting, but is glad to see.
"And it goes both ways, Peter" Matt keeps his tone steady and full of conviction "If I ever deviate from the path, if I ever become something I shouldn't ever be… I need you to promise me that you'll stop me".
Peter had half a mind to quip at that, maybe lighten the mood once again with a joke, but Matt is deadly serious. He is putting his trust into Peter and his judgment as a fellow vigilante.
As an equal.
As a friend.
And that deserves seriousness to be returned in equal measure, so Peter puts his own mask back on and says "yeah, I promise".
And Matt smiled.
"It's good to have you here again, Spider-Man" Daredevil says as he walks towards the edge of the building they're on "welcome back".
Peter sees Daredevil jump off, leaving him alone with his thoughts under the ever seeing moon and its soft-white light that covers the entirety of his city.
And he smiles.
A gentle, small and real smile that shows the acceptance of wearing the mask again, still feeling his heart pounding strongly against his chest because of the excitement of being Spider-Man for the first time in more than three weeks.
"Yeah… it's good to be back"
He says so slightly hesitatant, still doubting himself and the choices he has recently made. But he was being honest before in saying that he can't lie to himself.
This is who he is.
What he is.
And he can't give that up; he will never be able to stop being Spider-Man even if he were to lose the mask or even his powers. And Peter is content in able to admit that to himself.
He is not sure of the choices he has made, but at the end they are his. And he will own up to every si for one of them as he should, without running away from the consequences that are born from them.
He is done running and hiding away. It's just not who he is.
He does a wrong deed and his reaction is to run and hide away? That's wrong, and Peter has known it to be wrong since the moment the choice was made. He simply needed to be a little slapped and reminded of why he does what does - reminded of who he is.
He's a fighter.
He is not a coward that runs from his choices and the consequences of them - a fearful boy that hides away from the truth. He's a fighter, and he will fight and he will win. Against the injustice that claims this city, against the people that want to make innocent lives miserable, against the chaos and evilness that he faces so often…
And he will even fight against himself and all what is plaguing him; keeping him at an abyss of doubt and uncertainty. He will fight and he will come out on top.
Because that's the man Peter wants to be - because he needs to.
Because he will be better.
And he's done running away from his responsibilities - of who he is.
So Peter takes a deep breathe - a lungful frol the top of the highest building in Hell' Kitchen'd dirty air - and he feels as though he is truly breathing for the first time since he quitted.
And it feels amazing for Peter.
Despite not being sure of what he is doing, he is sure that almost nothing can compare to this. This view, this moment, this feeling.
Perhaps it's selfish to give up being Spider-Man, perhaps it's even more selfish to continue being so. Peter is not sure… but that doesn't matter any more.
He has made up his mind.
And he will fight.
As Peter.
As Spider-Man.
As himself.
So with his lungs full of air and his choice made, Peter sees the sun starting to show signs pf wanting to rise far in the horizon.
"I still have a few hours before school…" Peter muses out loud for no one to hear. He has spent much time as Peter Parker while the city has been in need of Spider-Man. He won't be heading home now that his resolve is made.
"All right, Spidey" Peter breathes out for himself as he hyped himself up "let's see what the city has in store for us".
And he jumps out of the building, ready to resume his responsibilities.
Exactly three weeks after Spider-Man had quitted, he reappears. And he won't be quitting again. Not as long as he has that eagerness to fight in his soul - a flame that will never burn out.
From this night on, Spider-Man is back.