The director Li called us and we went to shoot our scene that we needed to shoot today. His character in the drama series, Ming Shen, is scolding me in the scene and saying, "If you do this again, then I'll surely make you pay the repayment for this." Then my character in the series, Dai Liya, says, "You are no one to stop me. I'll do whatever I want to do." I said the dialogue in full rage with my wide eyes.
"Ok, cut it—that's it. The shot is good and perfect, no retakes," our Director Li said to us. I took a deep sigh and said, "Today's scene is quite easy, right?" I asked Xu Yuan, but he was busy with his phone and didn't listen, so I just moved away from there, leaving him alone.
Today we were done with the shooting. Now it's time to get changed and head home. I changed my costume and then stepped outside my room, and the moment I stepped out, he was waiting for me but I didn't know why.
"Hey, stop. I wanna ask you something. I have a question for you," he said while looking toward me.
I got a little panic the moment he said "question," but I told myself, Why should I panic? He can ask anything. It's nothing for me to panic about. I took a deep sigh and said, "Hm, ask."
"Nǐ shì gēnzōng kuáng ma?" he asked while raising his left eyebrow.
"Stalker?" I repeated it. "Are you mad? What are you saying? Stalker? How could you?" I said.
"Yes, of course stalker. You seem like a stalker. A stalker of mine," he said.
"Yours?" I asked confusingly.
"Yes, mine. I've been noticing things for the past few days. I can sense it," he said.
"What did you sense? Just tell me clearly," I said.
"I sense how you know so much about me—like when I was going for surgery, when I rode that horse and was proud of it in that video, even about my flu that I got in Hengdian while filming there," he asked.
"You are China's big face, such a great superstar actor, China's face of global TV. And so if I get to see some videos of you on Weibo, it doesn't mean I am eyeing on you. You are such a famous personality. Everyone knows about it. Don't act innocent that you don't know how famous you are," I said in one breath.
"Relax. I'm just asking. Why do you look like you just participated in China's Olympics for running? Take a deep breath and relax," he said, trying to calm me.
"Listen, Xu Yuan, don't get angry, but every time it's not always about you. I am a student and I have never seen any of your dramas. I only know you by your name and face. I think you should accept it if someone is not your fan," I said while patting his arm and turning my face away from him.
"I understand. I'm sorry if I made you stressed. You looked a little stressed. And please don't think that I am a self‑obsessed person. I was just curious about you. The way you behave with me is quite strange," he continued saying, but I cut his conversation midway and said:
"Sorry, Mr. Xu Yuan, if my behaviour makes you uncomfortable or anything more. I really don't want to bother you. I'm just an ordinary girl who got this big chance to work with you. I'm not trained in this field like you. I'm very, very small in front of you. Please don't expect me to act like a trained actor. I am new here. I am still learning everything. And trust me, I'll cherish all the things my whole life—whatever I learned from you and will learn in the future while shooting further for the drama," I said, and a tear splashed in my eyes, but before he could see that, I turned away again.
"I'm so sorry, silly girl. I didn't want to hurt you or make you feel small in front of me. I'm sorry if I asked you something that made you feel that way. Actually I just forgot that you are so new here. I am sorry," he said, and while saying it, his voice broke a little. I could feel it but didn't have the courage to look at him.
Before leaving for my bus, I said, "Mr. Xu Yuan, please don't call me with such names. We are not that close. We are here for work, not to make friendship. And please go from here… you are not wearing your mask. If anyone sees you here, a lot of crowd will get created." And then I moved away from there without turning around and without waiting for his reply.
I kept moving on the road to reach the bus stop while wiping my tears with both hands.
I like it… I like it when you call me with such names… but I need to stop it. I need to stop myself. I can't get myself so attached to you. You already have a girlfriend and you love her so much. There is no space, no space. If you talk to me nicely and politely, it doesn't mean I can think whatever I want to think. I just need to stop everything. Then I took a deep breath and continued saying to myself, We are in a professional relationship and nothing more, nothing less than that.
I love you… I care for you… how can I not keep an eye on you? It's my duty—daily duty—to see you and get updated about you. Because you are my favourite novel that I read daily, see daily, and keep close to my heart before sleeping. You are my favourite lines that I read daily. My secret novel. But I'll never tell it to anyone, not even you. Never. It's my secret love for you. I'll keep it secret till my last breath.
And then I said softly in my heart:
Shì de, wǒ shì nǐ de xiǎo zhuīzōng — zhǐ zhuī nǐ yīgè.
Then the bus arrived…