I came out of my room. Mama was sitting on the couch with her arms crossed, waiting for me, like a hungry lion waiting for its food. I walked slowly and stood in front of her, my eyes lowered. I already knew I did something wrong. And I was ready for whatever comes.
Mama spoke in her sharp voice,
"So you took advantage of our love? Tell me, didn't you pretend to be unwell and say your sugar dropped? Wasn't it all a drama? You played with our emotions."
I felt my stomach twist.
"Mama, why are you scolding me like this? It was just a class test, not my final exam," I said.
She looked even angrier.
"It's not about just failing your maths test. It's about how you are only seventeen, yet you are already learning to lie to your parents. To fool us. Tell me, Zhao Shiza."
Whenever she calls me that… my full name… I know I am in real trouble.
I swallowed and whispered, "I'm sorry, Mama. I won't do it again."
"No," she said. "Sorry is not enough. You need to understand what you did. Your father has spoiled you. Turned you into a stubborn girl."
That one hit me.
"What do you mean? What are you trying to say?" I asked, scared now. Something big was coming. I could feel it.
"A punishment," she said. "That's the only way you'll learn. I've had enough."
"I'll call bàba ," I said quickly, like I wanted to protect myself. But she grabbed my phone from my hand.
"Don't bring him into this. I am your mother. I know what is right for you. Stop being rebellious, Zhao Shiza. I'm done."
I couldn't hold anymore. I started crying.
"What… what are you going to do to me?" I asked through my sobs.
"I am sending you abroad," she said.
My heart dropped.
"No… please… I won't leave my country. I won't leave China. Please… let me stay. I won't ask for anything more," I cried.
Mama's eyes were filled with tears too.
She loves me. I know she does. That's why it hurts.
"Then I'll send you to Shanghai," she said. "You'll stay in a dorm and go to university there."
"But I'm still in highschool…" I whispered.
"I'm not sending you now. After you finish highschool," she said.
I just nodded. I didn't have any strength left. I went back to my room.
The moment the door closed, I heard Mama crying outside.
"If you love me so much… then why are you sending me away?"
I asked that to myself.
I opened his Weibo again.
Just seeing him calms me.
He is the calmness inside my storm.
His pictures feel like his eyes are looking straight at me. But I know… he is not mine, I know that pretty well.
He has his girlfriend, pretty girlfriend.
They look perfect.
Their destiny is already written.
And God… I never complained to you before.
I always believed whatever you give me is the best.
But today… I have one complaint.
"Why didn't you make me his cǎo méi dā dàng… so I could be close to him? So I could just see him… once… with my own eyes?"
But your plans are yours.
My plans were just dreams.
I know your plans are better no, best then mine but what about my plans which only has him in that?
Everything will change now.
My city.
My home.
My life.
Even I will change.
But one thing won't change —
my heart.
Even if he marries her.
Even if he forgets I ever existed.
Even if our story ends before it starts.
I just want him to stay happy.
Wherever he is.
May he stay healthy, live long, and smile always.
That is Zhao Shiza's wish for her Cǎoméi xiānsheng.
I turned the lights off and let the darkness come.
Because I could feel it…
everything fading…
the dreams, the warmth, the imaginary happiness.
I took a deep breath and said quietly, but clearly,
"It's over, Zhao Shiza. It's really over."
I free you Xu Yuan from my thoughts, dreams and from evrything, I free you.
I know you are a celebrity and I am just an ordinary fan of yours.
There is no match between us, and now I coming out of my delusional world stronger and more stronger....